


Freeze

by therumandcokediaries



Series: Frostiron and Spiderson [2]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, Spider-Man: Homecoming (2017), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: ???? precautionary tags going in here but like tell me if there's anything I've missed, Anxiety, Bullying, Character Death, Conflict, Corporal Punishment, Dark, Depression, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Grief, Gritty, Hurt/Comfort, IronDad and SpiderSon, M/M, Mental Health Issues, NSFW text, Other, Relationship Problems, School, Tony Stark Acting as Peter Parker's Parental Figure, Violence, bedroom stuff, bereavment, domestic abuse, honestly i have no clue with my own writing sometimes, light nsfw
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-17
Updated: 2018-11-20
Packaged: 2019-06-28 21:48:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 33
Words: 134,951
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15715734
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/therumandcokediaries/pseuds/therumandcokediaries
Summary: (Title Subject To Change) (Additional tags will be added as the story progressed/as necessary/as requested)When a burst gas main destroys everything and leaves Peter with nothing, the Stark’s take him in. Thrown together by necessity, they then need to try to keep it together and build a new life. Devastated by loss, Peter doesn’t make things easy for them, and Loki and Tony struggle with their own grief and the responsibility of having someone completely dependant on them.This takes place around two years after Called To Be A Rock (please note, that in the same way as The Simpsons, my characters don't tend to age, so Peter is *still* 15 here)Half-dedicated to my own devil in disguise for being the first person to hear this concept and support it





	1. Before We Lose It All

**Author's Note:**

> A night of gossiping is cut short when a frightening announcement comes over the radio. The Stark’s get caught up in the chaos and in the absence of an important person, all they can do is pace the hospital corridors, and wait.

Loki leant back against the kitchen counter and laughed.

“See, that’s what I’m saying. There’s no way it could be interpreted any differently”

Tony shook his head. “I get it! Honestly, I swear some people _pretend_ to view it differently just to annoy the rest of us”

“I think I can agree with you there”

They were both quiet for a moment, sipping their drinks, when the radio serving as background noise caught Tony’s attention.

“ _The explosion has caused catastrophic damage. Casualty numbers are as yet unknown. Police say there is no evidence that the explosion is terrorist related-_ ”

“Loki, turn on the TV”

“What?”

“Just turn it on”

Loki picked up the remote and turned on the small kitchen telly. The news flashed up on the screen, and all the colour drained from Tony’s face. Loki looked at him.

“Are you alright?”

It took him a moment to find the words. “That’s Peter’s building… I’ve gotta go”

He grabbed his keys.

“Tony, wait! We should-”

He was out of the room before Loki could finish his sentence.

-

The fuzz of distant, frenzied voices broke into Peter’s consciousness. He opened his eyes, dazed. He could see the night sky, the swirl of dust and smoke around him, and feel the cold air on his skin. The floor felt rough and uneven beneath him, parts of it digging into him. Slowly, he turned his head to the side. He could see bricks and concrete and wood. He could see plastic and poster paper and clothing, all of it grey with dust. What was this? What was going on? He tried to sit up, and suddenly became aware of the beams and rubble atop himself, holding him down. They felt heavy, almost crushing, and as he tried once again to move, a sharp pain in his leg made him cry out.

“Hello?!” he heard a voice.

He stopped trying to get up and listened. Had he imagined it? The air felt thick.

“Hello, is anybody there?!”

There it was again. He swallowed hard. He knew he had to get their attention: something bad had happened here. He didn’t know what, but he knew he needed to get out of there.

“HELP!”

Suddenly there was a light in his eyes, making him flinch.

“Ok son, it’s ok, we’ve got you”

Peter looked up into the man’s dirty face. He was wearing a heavy uniform and a helmet with a light strapped to it. He was followed by another colleague in the same clothing. Firemen.

“What’s your name, kid?”

“What’s happened? Where am I? Where’s my aunt?”

“You’re alright. We’re gonna get you out of here”

They set to work, shifting the debris and freeing Peter from the rubble. Peter suddenly couldn’t speak, confused and scared and shaking. The first fireman lifted him into his arms.

“I’ve got you”

-

Loki grabbed Tony’s wrist.

“Loki? What are you doing here?!”

“What do you _think_ I’m doing here? You can’t just run off like that, much less run off somewhere like this”

They both stopped at the police tape, looking at the pile of rubble and bricks where the block of flats once stood, the lights from emergency vehicle sirens flashing in the corner of their vision. They felt sick. It didn’t feel real, it _couldn’t_ be real.

From the dust, Tony saw two firemen. One was carrying a very still person, dusty in torn clothing, a great bloody gash visible on their leg. Tony knew who it was.

“PETER!” he ducked under the police tape.

Loki followed, his heart thumping in his chest. Peter’s eyes opened at the shout, and he lifted his head, disorientated by the flashing lights. He burst into tears at the sight of his mentor.

“Mr Stark! Mr Stark!”

“Peter! Oh god, Peter, please say you’re ok!” Tony took his face in his hands, looking him over frantically. “Please be ok”

“He’s ok, sir. Doesn’t look like anything too serious” the fireman said. “We’re going to get the paramedics to take him in anyway, get him seen to properly”

Tony kissed Peter hard on the forehead. Loki stood back, biting his thumb, trying to stay calm.

“Where’s May?” Peter asked, his voice shaking.

“She’s probably already been taken in, kid” the fireman said. “We’ve recovered most people now. I’m sorry to say you’re one of the last. Come on, let’s get you in the ambo”

“I’ll go with him in the ambulance” Loki said. “You’ve got the car”

Tony nodded, giving Peter another kiss. “I’ll be right behind, I promise. Loki will stay with you. I’ll join you at the hospital. You’re gonna be fine”

-

Peter was set down on the trolley in the back of the ambulance. He blinked in the bright light, trying to cover his face. The paramedics tried to get him settled, but he kept shouting and struggling. He still didn’t know what was going on. He’d just been going about his daily life, and the next thing he knew he was trapped in rubble, and nothing made sense.

Eventually Loki came to his senses and got involved.

“Peter. Hey, Peter, it’s ok: they’re only trying to help. You need to let them help you” he pulled him close for a hug. “Let them help!”

“It hurts! I’m scared, I’m scared, please don’t let them hurt me!”

“They won’t. They just need to stick the needle in your hand in case you need any medication. They need to put the oxygen on you because of all the dust and smoke you’ve inhaled. You have to let them help you”

He kept his voice calm, and Peter leant against him and stopped struggling, although he did cry a bit more as the paramedic secured the needle in his hand. She put the oxygen mask over his face and helped him lie down.

“There now. Let’s get you in”

She stayed in the back while her colleague drove. She turned on the blue interior lights to try to calm his agitation.

Peter lay on his back, staring up at the ceiling of the ambulance, wincing whenever they went over a bump in the road. He couldn’t look at Loki, but he let him hold his hand. He didn’t know what was going on. One minute he’d went into his bedroom to grab his phone charger, and the next thing he knew, firemen were shouting. He didn’t know what had happened back there. He didn’t really know what was happening _now_. He didn’t really know where he was. All he knew was that he was in pain and was filled with an overwhelming sense of dread. He didn’t know what he wanted, but he definitely wanted _something_. Clarification, probably, and his aunt.

May.

-

Peter was taken straight to cubicles and left in the capable hands of a nurse, who cleaned him up and dressed his wounds. The gash on his leg turned out to be his most serious injury, but even that looked worse than it was. Aside from that, he’d escaped with cuts and bruises, nothing serious to speak of. They still wanted to keep him there for observation. He was quiet, uncharacteristically so, only speaking to ask about May. Loki sat down beside him on the bed, an arm round his shoulders, holding him close.

“Try not to worry so much. May is one of the toughest women I’ve ever had the pleasure of knowing. She’s probably just stuck in the queue for X-ray or something like that. It’s very busy here tonight. I think they’re the receiving hospital”

Peter nodded. Loki was probably right. May would’ve been brought in a lot earlier. The fireman had said he’d been one of the last. May would be in a queue somewhere, or having the last of her injuries tended to, or signing forms. Or maybe she’d been discharged already. Yeah, that was it. She’d been discharged, and was just lost in the crowds, harassing every passing member of hospital staff to find where her nephew was.

-

A nurse pulled the curtain back. “Peter, there’s someone here for you”

Peter sat up straight – and drooped visibly to see Tony. Tony decided not to be put off by his obvious disappointment.

“How are you doing?”

“Do you know where May is?”

Tony shook his head. “I’ve asked, but I haven’t had any luck. They’re very busy”

Peter rested his head against Loki’s chest.

“How are you doing?” Tony repeated.

Peter stayed quiet, so Loki answered for him.

“A few cuts and bruises, but nothing too major. The doctor still wants to keep an eye on him for a while, but she didn’t seem concerned when she came to check him over”

Tony let out a sigh of relief. “I’m so glad you’re ok. You wouldn’t believe the feeling of dread I had when I saw the news” He gave Peter a hug. “I was so scared”

Peter soon found himself hugging Tony back. He glanced over to the corridor, waiting for a nurse. He’d asked just about every member of staff he’d seen, and given a description to quite a few of them. He was sore, and he was mostly ok physically, but he was still so scared and worried. He knew as soon as he heard May’s voice, as soon as he hugged her, he’d be able to calm down and it’d all be ok again. It was the waiting that was getting to him. Every second felt like a minute, and every minute felt like an hour. He couldn’t stand it.

-

Tony grew agitated. He paced around by Peter’s bed, unsettled by the busy hospital and the sounds of shouting, from staff and patients alike. Police were roaming around, obviously wanting to talk to people involved in the accident.

“Tony, go and get a coffee” Loki said, unnerved by his husbands pacing.

Tony nodded, wandering off without a word. He used a machine out in the corridor, zoning out as he watched the coffee trickling into the polystyrene cup. He was so hugely relieved that Peter wasn’t seriously hurt, but a thousand different thoughts were racing through his head. This evening wouldn’t last forever. There had to be an aftermath. Peter and May were homeless now. They’d have to sort something. He couldn’t shake the feeling that something else was going to happen. The explosion was enough trauma for one night, wasn’t it?

-

Tony stepped outside, watching the ambulances unloading while he drank his coffee. He took his time, but eventually returned to cubicles. Peter was sat in Loki’s lap, twisting his wedding and engagement rings round his finger. Loki was patiently allowing it, stroking Peter’s hair absent-mindedly with his free hand.

“They’re saying it was a burst gas main” Peter said quietly. He glanced up. “Any news?”

Tony shook his head. “Not yet”

Peter nodded, taking Loki’s rings off and looking at them closely, trying to distract himself. He was so zoned out. Nothing felt real. Loki kept looking up, hearing the nurses talking as they passed. They’d had to declare a major incident. He overheard their updates.

“That’s another one…” he rested his head against Peter’s.

“Hm? Another what?” Tony questioned.

“DOA. That makes about twenty now”

Peter buried his face in Loki’s chest. He didn’t want to hear this. He wasn’t especially _close_ with anyone in his building, but he knew them all by face, and many of them by name. They were all such a constant presence in his life. He couldn’t believe that everything had changed so quickly. He felt Tony’s hand on his shoulder.

“I’m sorry, kiddo. I know it’s horrible. But you’re ok. You, in the very least, are ok”

“Mr Stark?” a voice sounded.

Peter looked up at the nurse who had appeared.

“Can I have a word?”

Tony nodded. “Sure?”

He followed her out to the corridor.

Peter looked up at Loki.

“Why do they want to talk to Mr Stark?”

“I’m not sure”

Loki took his rings from Peter, slipping them back onto his finger. Peter slid off his lap, perching on the edge of the bed, swinging his legs. His face and hands had been washed, but his clothing was still filthy from dust and dirt, and there was nothing to be done about that. He looked at his new trainers, which had been pristine white at the start of the day, but were now a very scuffed dirty grey, black in places. He rather thought May would be annoyed: she’d only bought these yesterday. Still, it wasn’t really his fault this time, so maybe she wouldn’t. He didn’t know. He didn’t really care. He kept looking at the doorway, waiting for her to come in. He almost thought he could hear her voice, but it was just his imagination.

“May _is_ here, isn’t she?”

“Of course she is” Loki said. “This is the receiving hospital. Everyone from your building has been brought here”

Peter nodded. “I don’t really know what’s happened”

“It’ll all become clear in a day or two. You just need a bit of time to get over the shock. I know, it’s horrible. But you’re ok. You’re alive. Minor injuries. You got lucky. And by god, I’m glad you did”

“I’m scared. I’m so confused”

Loki squeezed his hand. “I know”

“I want May”

Loki sighed. “I know”

-

Tony bit his thumb.

“What?”

“How well do you know May Parker?”

“Pretty well” Tony said. “We’re good friends. Peter – her nephew – he stays with us a lot. He stays every Wednesday and every second weekend. So we’ve got that kinda agreement and relationship”

“So you’d know her by sight?”

“Of course I would. What is this?”

The nurse shifted slightly. “We’ve got someone matching the description her nephew gave us. I’m sorry to ask: I know it’s difficult. But, it does need to be done. We need to ask that you help identify the body”

Tony felt sick. He didn’t want to go down to the morgue. He knew it wouldn’t be May. But he saw the look on the nurse’s face, and he knew that he could help to let them know that it wasn’t May Parker. They could move on to the next friend or relative of the next possibility on the list. It would take mere seconds – he could do that for the next of kin of this unidentified person, if nothing else.

-

Peter rested his head against Loki’s arm. He was so tired. It felt like the middle of the night. He imagined it must be about 2am, but he checked Loki’s watch and found it was barely 9pm. Time didn’t feel real any more. He started crying softly, tears dribbling gently down his cheeks. He was just so tired. He didn’t really know what was happening.

A nurse came along and removed the needle from his hand. She was sweet, very cheery and supportive, but Peter barely noticed. She sorted his hand and gave him a pat on the head and was on her way. It didn’t feel quite real.

-

Loki rested his head against Peter’s. He was tired too, and he was scared. But he knew his fear was nothing compared to what Peter must be feeling. He too was waiting for May to come shouting round the corner. He could imagine her rushing in, hugging Peter and thanking Loki for looking after him. She was such a massive personality, and such a good friend. He was rather looking forward to hugging her too.

-

Peter fell asleep for a little bit. He woke up about ten minutes later, a little surprised to find himself in hospital, but then the events of the evening flooded back. He couldn’t really remember anything before the firemen.

Loki looked up when the nurse and Tony appeared out in the corridor. They approached. Tony was deathly pale, looking distant and shocked and above all, scared. Loki swallowed hard. Tony stayed stood up. Peter looked at him. Tony couldn’t bring himself to look back. Peter looked at the nurse. He saw the look on both their faces.

“Where’s May? You’ve found her. You _have_ found her – haven’t you?”

Tony and the nurse glanced at each other. The nurse sat down beside Peter, taking his hands in her own.

“Everyone did absolutely everything they could for May, but in the end, her injuries proved incompatible with life. I’m sorry, Peter, but your aunt died in the ambulance on the way to hospital”

For a moment he just looked at her, and then an overwhelming hot sickening feeling swept over him, and he pulled his hands away.

“No”

“I’m so sorry”

“No” he shook his head. “I don’t believe you! She’s not-”

He looked back at Loki, and he saw the tears in his eyes. He looked at Tony.

“I’m sorry” his voice cracked as he said it.

“No… No! You’re lying!” he stood up from the bed, backing away, looking frantically between the three adults like they were a group of wolves about to pounce on him. “You’re lying!”

“Peter-”

He ducked away from them and ran.

“Peter!”

Loki grabbed hold of Tony before he could pursue him. “Let him go”

Tony turned to Loki, and as their eyes met, he collapsed into tears. Once he did, Loki did too, and they clung to each other and cried while the nurse stood by, watching their pain in sympathised silence.

-

Both mentally deciding they needed to be strong about this, they managed to calm themselves quite well within fifteen minutes. It hurt a lot, but they couldn’t break down, not in front of Peter.

“I’m sorry. But we really do need to find Peter: he’s still a patient”

Tony took a deep, shaky breath, and nodded. “We’ll go and look for him”

-

Forty minutes into the search, and they’d had no luck. Loki, Tony, and a couple of the nurses congregated in cubicles, trying to puzzle out where he could’ve gone. Security had been informed and had produced no results.

“I’m going to go and have another look” Loki said.

-

It was dark outside, raining heavily, and bitterly cold. Loki wandered along the path where the taxi’s unloaded. He followed it till it merged into the grass, and followed it further still. He could see part of a set of metal steps leading down from what he presumed was a fire escape. He approached and started up the first section of steps. He paused for half a second on the bend before walking up the last few steps. Peter was sat with his back against the fire escape door, fists over his eyes, crying bitterly. Loki sat down beside him. If it weren’t for the creaking of the steps, Loki might have thought Peter wasn’t aware of his presence at first. But soon, the boy leant against him and lowered his hands. Loki put an arm round his shoulders, holding him tight until he stopped crying.

“She’s really gone, isn’t she?” his voice was barely more than a whisper.

Loki closed his eyes for a moment. “I wish I could say no… I’m so sorry”

Peter felt numb.

“I want to see her”

“I don’t think that’s a good idea”

Peter snapped at him, although his voice cracked, and more tears spurted down his cheeks. “Well, why not? She’s _my_ aunt! It’s not fair if you get to see her and I don’t”

Loki stayed calm. “I haven’t seen her. But from what I’ve been told… I don’t think they’d let you. I’m sorry, I really am. But we need to take care of you”

Peter hung his head and knuckled his eyes. It hurt so much. He shivered.

“Sweetie, you’re absolutely saturated. And you’re _freezing_. We really need to get you back inside”

“I don’t want to. Not yet”

Loki took his own jacket off, wrapping it round Peter’s shoulders. It was wet too, but nowhere near as wet at Peter’s. He hugged him close, and they stayed like that for a long time, too numb to care about the cold, too shocked to care about the rain seeping through their clothes and dripping down their noses. How could they possibly be affected by something so trivial after what had happened?

-

Eventually Peter allowed Loki to pick him up and carry him back inside to cubicles. Tony felt he might faint with relief when he saw them.

“Where on earth did you get to, sweetheart? Look at you: you’re absolutely soaked!”

Peter barely heard him. He zoned out and allowed the nurse to take his temperature and get him out of his wet clothes and into a gown, wrapping a blanket round him for good measure. Loki was given a blanket too, and he sat beside Peter, hugging him close. Tony sat on Peter’s other side, rubbing his back. He was struggling to keep his emotions repressed. It felt like they were wandering through a type of dream world. He couldn’t quite comprehend what had happened. This wasn’t what their night was supposed to turn out like.

-

Peter’s nurse approached with a new person; a lady in a suit with high heels and a lanyard, a large file folder and notebook balanced on her arm. Peter looked up at her. He didn’t need any introductions to know who – or more, _what_ – this person was.

“Hello, Peter” she said. She sounded kind, but her voice was laden with professionalism. “My name is Li Alan. I’m sorry for your loss, and I apologise that we need to do this now, but there’s no way around it. We need to discuss what happens next”

Peter’s blood ran cold. He knew what she was getting at, and it wasn’t funeral arrangements. They needed to talk about what was going to happen to _him_. He knew what was going to happen: he’d be taken into foster care. He’d be taken and given to a bunch of strangers. He’d have to move schools. He’d have to leave town, maybe even state. He’d be thrown into a life of not-belonging, being no more than a task: a problem child to look after purely because the law stated he needed care. No one would want him. They’d take him in because they got paid to do so. He felt sick, thinking about being pushed into a car and dropped off at a strange house with nothing more than the clothes on his back. He started trembling, and he thought for a moment that he really _was_ going to be sick – but then he felt Tony’s arm tight round his shoulders.

“He’s coming home with me” Tony said firmly. Peter looked at him, and Tony looked back. “I’m going to look after you from now on. I promise”

Helped by his status and the pre-existing relationship, the social worker agreed, under condition of close monitoring before guardianship was fully assigned.

-

The doctor came to check Peter over again a while later. She gave him the all clear and went to get his discharge papers. Peter’s clothes, although still filthy, were now mostly dry, so he chose to change back into them. Tony didn’t approve, but he didn’t say. Peter stared at nothing in particular while the papers were being signed. Then he was lifted up into Loki’s arms, and within a minute, he was out of the loud and crowded hospital and into the cold dark car park once more. He couldn’t really register what was happening. He didn’t struggle as Loki put him down in the back of the car and strapped him in. The door was closed, and he kept his eyes cast downwards. He could hear muffled voices from outside the car, but it was as though they were speaking a foreign language. The passenger door opened.

“We’ll be in touch” Li Alan said.

“We’ll talk to you soon, then. Thank you, Ms. Alan”

Loki and Tony got in the car, and Peter glanced up as the hospital passed them by and they joined the main road. He looked down at his dirty ripped clothing. So this was it. He’d lost everything.

-

Loki carried Peter inside. For once, this house which he frequented and often regarded as a second home felt like the least welcoming place on Earth. It felt too big – or did he feel too small? He wasn’t quite sure. They took him to his bedroom, which had been undeniably his for such a long time now. He was there so often that he left a good amount of his stuff in that room, and there was even now a ‘Peter’s Room’ sign on the door. He was usually so happy to be there, but now it felt like the last place on Earth he wanted to be.

He let them get him out of his dirty clothes and get him changed into pyjamas. He looked round the room, and he hated it. He hated the perfectly painted walls and the expensive interior. He hated the curtains and the rug and the bedspread. He hated that his belongs here were all he had left in the world. He hated everything about it. He didn’t want to be here. He wanted to be in his wobbly old bunk beds with the faded old blanket, with his computers on the cabinets and his posters on the walls. But that room no longer existed: none of that stuff did.

“Would you like something to eat before you go to sleep?” Tony asked gently.

Peter shook his head. Loki helped him lie down and settled him in bed while Tony filled his water jug and set it beside the glass on the bedside table. Peter lay on his side, covering the lower part of his face with the quilt.

“Do you want us to stay with you for a bit?”

Peter shook his head slightly. Tony and Loki looked at each other, and kissed Peter in turn.

“See you in the morning, darling. You know where we are if you need us”

They turned the light off and closed the door behind them.

-

Peter lay in the dark. He was sore. He was scared. He was confused. He didn’t know exactly what it was he was feeling. He didn’t know exactly what it was that had happened. He couldn’t believe that any of this was really happening. It _couldn’t_ be happening, it _wasn’t_ happening. He had to believe it wasn’t happening. None of this was real.

No, this evening had been a dream – nothing more. It wasn’t a Thursday, of course it wasn’t: he only stayed with the Stark’s on Wednesday nights and every other weekend, so it must be a Wednesday. Yes, that was it. He’d been at school all day, and he’d been greeted by the big car which took him back to the Stark household, same as every week. He’d spent late afternoon and early evening in the workshop with Tony, and then after dinner, he’d joined Loki in the reading nook, and they’d laughed and joked and snacked on biscuits and chocolate from the dolphin bowl. They’d lost track of time – that’s why it was only now, long after midnight, that he had only just gone to bed. Yes, Tony had suddenly seen the time and come to find them, and he’d been sent to bed. Loki had made him a hot drink and he’d taken one biscuit more than was allowed from the biscuit barrel while Tony’s back was turned. After that, he’d had a quick wash and a quick cuddle with Loki and Tony before crawling into bed. It was just a normal Wednesday evening. Tomorrow he’d go to school, and then go back to the flat. May would ask what he’d got up to at the Stark’s, and he’d answer as he always did; “Same as always”, and then maybe offer a story of something Loki had said, or Tony had done, and May would laugh and say she was sure they were both mad. It was just a normal Wednesday, and everything was just fine. Everything was absolutely, 100%, fine.

“Everything’s ok. It’s all ok. Everything’s ok…” he found himself whispering over and over to himself, trying to make himself believe it.

“I’m fine, everyone is fine, everything’s fine” he said through his tears, shoulders shaking.

He pressed the quilt down over his mouth, trying to stop himself from being heard. But it was so hard. His jaw hurt. He felt hot and sick and he was shaking so much. He didn’t want to be alone any more. He couldn’t hold back any more, and an anguished scream escaped him.

Within seconds the door had opened, and he was pulled into Loki’s lap while Tony hugged both of them as tight as he could. Peter buried his face in Tony’s chest and howled. It wasn’t fair. It wasn’t _fair_. Why did it have to be May? Out of everyone, why did it have to be _her_? Why? Why couldn’t it have been him?

*


	2. How Did It Come To This?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> With the funeral out of the way, it’s time for Peter to return to school. The return to education is far from ideal, and with it, comes a constant feeling of tight jaws and pins and needles

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All comments/reviews appreciated!

-

Custody of Peter’s was assigned legally to Loki and Tony. They kept the official side of things to themselves. Peter had other things to think about. Deep down, he was grateful he hadn’t lost  _everything_ – he still had his phone, and a load of clothes and some books and other things he’d left at school and at the Stark’s. He had privately hoped that he’d be able to go back and salvage some of their belongings, but the day after the explosion, the building featured on the news in another story – it had been set alight. They had a live video link on the news, and all Peter could do was sit in front of the telly and sob as he watched his life literally burn away before his eyes. He’d lost so much. He had nothing left of May but his memories. Even her car had been caught up in the blaze.

Tony told Peter he should write a eulogy. They were doing everything quickly. The funeral was set for a week after the explosion had torn everything to the ground. Peter spent a long time at the desk in Tony’s study writing his tribute. He made several drafts, editing thoroughly. It took him two days before he was satisfied.

Tony and Loki grew more worried about Peter by the day. He’d barely spoken. He’d stopped eating. He wasn’t interested in doing anything. They tried hard to offer distractions and things to do, but Peter never wanted to do anything they suggested. He spent a long time looking at his phone, refusing to answer Ned’s calls. The screen was cracked, but miraculously, it had survived the accident and was still working. He’d only sent Ned two messages: one saying; “I’m alive”, and another a day or so later with; “May’s funeral:” followed by the date. Ned had sent countless texts and left countless voicemail messages, begging Peter to speak to him and let him know how he was doing. Eventually Tony had taken it upon himself to talk to Ned and let him know the full story. Loki wasn’t sure how he could best comfort him, so tried to content himself with merely keeping himself available for whenever Peter crawled onto his lap for a cuddle.

-

The day of the funeral saw brighter weather, sunny and relatively warm. Peter was struggling from the moment he woke up. Loki and Tony forced themselves to be strong for his sake. They helped him get ready and tried hard to reassure him. Peter felt sicker by the minute. He bit the inside of his cheeks and tried not to look anyone in the face.

Ned sat with him on the front pew, and as soon as he saw him, Peter threw his arms round him and hugged him as tight as he could.

-

Peter couldn’t stop looking at the coffin. It was hard to believe that his aunt was inside. Loki had been right: they hadn’t let him see her. They said it would be too traumatising. Tony agreed with them. He was still struggling with what he’d seen when they’d asked him to identify the body.

“…And now May’s nephew, Peter, will say a few words”

The voice broke through Peter’s distracted state. He glanced at Loki briefly, and stood up, taking his final speech out of his blazer pocket. He felt raw and hollow, and he was trembling. He could feel so many eyes on him as he approached the pulpit. He didn’t look at them: he looked back at the coffin, so much closer now. He looked at the shining wood, at the display of flowers and the gold engraved plaque on top. He couldn’t do this. He couldn’t. But he had to. He tore his eyes away, unfolding his speech. He looked down at the paper, and as he opened his mouth to speak, he broke down and started sobbing. It echoed round the walls of the church, and he covered his face helplessly with his hand, unable to move. He heard footsteps and then he was in Tony’s arms, held close and tight against him.

“Shh, ok sweetheart, ok”

“I can’t do it-!”

“Ok. Ok. Shall I read it for you?”

Peter nodded. “I can’t…”

“It’s ok. It’s ok”

He let him go and pressed him to sit back down. Peter returned to the bench, collapsing back into his seat and burying his face in Loki’s chest. Ned hugged him from behind.

“This is all Peter’s words: I’m just going to read it for him”

Peter gritted his teeth. He was so ashamed of himself. He pressed his hands over his ears as Tony began to read. He couldn’t bear to listen to his own words. He felt so fake for not being able to say them himself. He’d kept the tears back all morning. Why did his composure have to falter at the most crucial moment? He’d timed his speech, but it was so hard to keep track of time when burdened with such heavy emotion. He could hear Ned crying. He could feel Loki shaking with silent sobs. He hated this. He hated it so much. He felt so weak and lost and helpless.

“… You’ve always been there for me. I can always count on you to help me with absolutely anything. You’ve always made it so easy for me to talk to you. You’re more than just my aunt; you’re one of my best friends too-”

Peter lifted his head. Tony was crying too. He hid his head back in Loki’s chest, pressing his hands harder over his ears, trying to block everything out. Maybe it wouldn’t feel so real that way.

-

The hollow sound of the handful of dirt hitting the coffin made Peter feel sick to his stomach. Six feet under had never seemed so deep until today. He stared down into the grave, barely noticing the other people gathered at the graveside. He felt like he really was going to be sick, and as others scattered handfuls of dirt onto the coffin, it suddenly felt all too real. Without warning, he was suddenly on his knees, anxious and terrified and with absolutely no cause to remain dignified. 

“Please don’t go!! Please! Please don’t leave me, I’m not ready for you to go! I don’t want to do this without you!” he cried. 

Loki knelt down, pulling the boy close with an arm about his chest. Peter didn’t seem to notice. 

“No! No, please, May, please don’t go! May! May!" 

Peter howled into the crook of Loki’s elbow. He was briefly aware of Ned hugging him tight, but he couldn’t feel him properly, like he was being touched through a very thick coat. The presence was lost after a while. He didn’t know how long it had been. It felt like it could have been hours. All he knew for certain was that he couldn’t stop crying. He didn’t even bother trying. He didn’t care any more. He had nothing left to care about. 

- 

Eventually he was hoicked up in Loki’s strong arms. He was bundled into the back of the car, still sobbing uncontrollably. Loki sat in the back with him, holding him tight, and as the car started, he began to cry as well.

- 

Loki had managed to calm himself by the time they got home - Peter had not. Loki carried him to his bedroom and, together with Tony, got him out of his suit. Tony picked up a pair of joggers and a t-shirt, but when he tried to help Peter into them, the boy shouted and pushed him away and wouldn’t let him touch him. 

"Come on, sweetheart. Don’t be like that” Tony said sadly. 

Loki grabbed the dressing gown from the back of the door, and although he flinched a bit, Peter let himself be dressed in it. Tony decided it was better than nothing, and set the clothes back on the chair. 

“Ok. Alright sweetheart" 

"No, it’s not alright!” Peter burst out. “None of this is alright! It’s all wrong and it’s not fair!" 

Tony sat down on the bed and tried to hug him, but Peter pulled away, standing up and stumbling over his feet. Loki caught him before he could fall. 

"Peter” he said, gently. 

Peter looked up at him. He felt so sick. He didn’t want to be here. He didn’t want to be anywhere. He didn’t know what to do. He pushed passed Loki and ran.

“Peter!" 

Tony grabbed his arm before he could run after him. Loki looked at him. He didn’t need to say anything: Loki knew what that look meant. 

- 

Eventually Tony decided they needed to track Peter down. He checked all the usual places, to no avail. 

"I can’t find him” he said to Loki. 

“I think I might know where he is" 

- 

Loki opened the storage cupboard by the side of the swimming pool, and sure enough, he found Peter sat beneath the shelf beside the mop buckets, his knees drawn up and his head in his hands. Loki sat down beside him, putting an arm round his shoulders. Tony sat at his other side, keeping his hands to himself for the moment. 

"I can’t do this" 

Loki rested his head against Peter’s. "You have to" 

"I don’t want to" 

"You’ve got no choice" 

"It gets easier” Tony said. “It’ll get easier. It won’t hurt like this forever. You’ll find a way to cope" 

"I don’t believe you" 

Tony sighed. "I know. But it really does get better. Life goes on no matter how much it hurts. You have to keep moving forward. Which reminds me…" 

Peter finally looked up. "What?" 

Tony looked at Loki. Peter did too. Loki looked uncomfortable. 

"What?” Peter repeated. 

“Peter” Tony said. “You know, in a couple of weeks, once you’ve had time to process everything, you’ll have to go back to school" 

"I know” Peter said. 

In a way he’d kind of been looking forward to it. Maybe he’d be able to pretend everything was still normal while he was there. Tony shifted.

“See, the thing is, well, you see-" 

” _What_?“ Peter was growing impatient. He was hurting too much to play guessing games.

Tony exchanged a look with Loki. 

"Peter, your school is too far away. We’ve looked into it, and it’s just not practical. There’s a school about a ten minutes walk away from here-" 

"What? What do you mean? I don’t mind long journeys” he looked at Tony desperately. He knew what was going on. “It’s fine, I don’t mind. I’ll keep-”

“Peter” Tony interrupted him firmly. “You can’t go to that school any more. We’ve got you a place at one near here. It’s a similar sort of school, so you won’t need too much adjustment-" 

"No! No please, please Mr Stark, please don’t do this!” he knelt up, grabbing at Tony’s shirt. “I like my school, I don’t wanna leave it! It’s all I’ve got left, please, please Mr Stark!" 

Tony carefully detached Peter’s hands from his shirt. "I’m sorry, kiddo. If it were practical, I’d have let you keep going there. But it’s not. I’m sorry. You really do have to move schools" 

Peter knew there was no way around it. He didn’t know what else to say, so he just burst into tears. Holding onto the thought of going back to school, of maintaining at least one aspect of his normal life, had kept him going. Generally speaking, he didn’t especially  _enjoy_  it there, but it was familiar. That was all he wanted; a bit of familiarity. And that had just been snatched away from him. Loki held him close and he cried and cried. It wasn’t fair. It just wasn’t fair. He’d already lost his family, and now this bombshell had lost him his school and his friends. He thought back to earlier that day, to all the people in the church, to the solemn look on the coffin bearers faces, and he felt so unbearably sick- 

"Oh dear. Alright sweetheart, alright. Shh” Tony grabbed a clean cleaning cloth and wiped Peter’s mouth gently. “Lolly, why don’t you take him upstairs? I’ll come and join you once I’ve cleaned up down here”

-

Tony approached the sofa quietly.

“He’s asleep” Loki said, stroking the boys hair. 

Tony nodded, and sighed. “It’s probably just as well”

“Tony, I don’t know what I’m doing”

“Neither do I. I really don’t have a clue” 

Loki got to his feet, trembling. “I’m sorry-”

“Loki? Loki!” Tony hurried after him, catching him in the hallway. “Hey! Don’t run from me. Please”

Loki sank down into the chair beside the bureau, head in his hands. “I don’t think I can do this”

“I know it hurts” Tony said, taking Loki’s wrists so he had to look at him. “But we haven’t got a choice. Peter needs us. We’re all he’s got now”

Loki looked into his eyes. He knew he was right, but that didn’t make it any easier. “She didn’t deserve this”

Tony pressed his lips together, trying to stay composed. 

“She was our friend” Loki said, his voice breaking. 

“Oh Loki please, please don’t. Please don’t cry. You’ll set me off” he threw his arms round him desperately, clinging to him. “Please don’t cry”

Loki couldn’t help it. The pain was too much to bear. He cried into Tony’s shoulder while Tony cried into his. They’d both tried so hard not to cry in front of Peter, and now that they were finally alone, they couldn’t hold it in any more. They felt fake, like they had no right to be hurting when Peter was so anguished. Peter had lost everything - but that didn’t change the fact that Loki and Tony had lost one of their best friends. 

“We can do this” Tony choked. “It’s gonna be horrible, but we’ve got to do it, and we  _will_ do it. We’ll do it together, like we’ve always done”

Loki held onto him tighter. He knew they’d have to find a way to move on from this. There was so much that needed doing, so much change they had to deal with. He didn’t want things to change: he’d been so happy with the way things were. But things had already changed, and they would continue to change - there were no two ways about it. 

They had no choice but to get on with it.

-

Tony took a very deep breath and squeezed Loki’s hand tighter.

“Peter?”

Peter looked up at them with dull eyes. The last couple of weeks had shown a big change in the boy. For a couple of days after the funeral, he had been very loud and angry, but soon settled into a depression, spending more time  _in_  tears than out of them. He spent most of his time curled up on the sofa, staring into the distance with a sad, blank look on his face. He would have spent all day in bed if Loki didn’t insist on dragging him out of it. There was a lot of things he wouldn’t do if Loki and Tony didn’t get involved. 

Loki and Tony had been trying hard. Tony had bought him a full wardrobes worth of new clothes, although most of them remained unworn, as Peter spent most of the time either in joggers and a t-shirt or his pyjamas. He’d also made sure he cooked good food for him every evening, and prepared lunch and breakfast for him, although most of it went uneaten. He didn’t really know what else to do. He’d sat with Peter and told him about his latest projects, and showed him future plans. Peter appeared to listen, and he looked at the blueprints and prototypes, but he said nothing. He kept showing them to him anyway, trying to keep him involved and get him interested. Peter was too sad to get excited about any of it. Tony held him when he cried and sang to him to stop himself from crying too.

Loki still felt like he didn’t know what he was doing. He took it upon himself to get Peter out of bed every morning, making sure he got dressed into something clean. He spent a lot of time reading to him and soothing his sobs, rocking him gently and lending him his pig to cuddle and his MP3 to listen to. He took Peter to the shops with him to get him out of the house, and every other day (with Tony’s help), he bathed the boy and washed his hair and put him to bed in clean bedding. Aside from that, he didn’t know what else he could do, so he just made sure he told him he loved him as often as possible. 

 

“Peter, we’ve been talking” Tony said. “And we think- well, we think it’s time for you to go to school”

Peter didn’t say anything, but he cast his eyes down and clenched his fists under the blanket. 

“It’ll be good for you, being with people your own age, having something to do - the schoolwork will keep you busy. And we don’t really want to neglect your education any longer” 

Peter pressed his lips together. He didn’t feel ready.

“I know it’s a change, but you’ll soon get used to it. I know it’s a big step” 

“We know you probably don’t feel ready” Loki said. “But if we wait until you do, you’ll never go. We think it’s time”

“We’ll walk with you, hand you over to the teacher on your first day. The headteacher told us we should. It’s not a long walk; only about ten minutes. You’ll be able to find your way back easily afterwards”

“When?” Peter said. His voice was small, quiet and almost expressionless.

“Monday”

Peter nodded. He knew this would come sooner or later. It was Friday today. They’d have a relatively normal day tomorrow - whatever normal was - and then they’d both fuss over him on Sunday, making him feel loved and special. It reminded him of one of the books Loki had read him, just before the orphans went back to the foundling hospital. 

“This is the way the ladies ride…”

Loki and Tony exchanged a look. They knew what he was referencing. Tony had sat with them while that chapter was being read. Peter had cried and cried, pressing the pig over his mouth to quieten himself enough to hear Loki reading. Loki had cried a bit too (“This chapter always gets me”), and even Tony had teared up.

“We’re not sending you away” Tony said eventually. “You’ll just be at school during the day, same as always. And then back here afterwards”

Peter knew that, but hearing it didn’t help. He felt betrayed. He still hadn’t come to terms with the idea of starting a new school. It was the last thing he needed. It was just another unavoidable, painful reality of this new life.

-

Peter’s predictions about the weekend were correct. He couldn’t enjoy the attention: just like in the book, the hot chocolate soured in his mouth, and he had to fight incredibly hard not to cry. And, just like in the book, he waited until after he’d been put to bed to burst into tears. He cried privately for a long time, until he fell into a numb state of near-sleep.

-

Peter woke up feeling like he hadn’t slept at all. He stayed in bed, hoping Tony had changed his mind and he wouldn’t really have to go to school today.

No such luck.

He was dragged from his bed, washed and dressed and breakfasted in record time. He sat with Loki, pretending to drink his tea while Tony sorted out his school bag. He looked at Loki, hoping to convey just how much he didn’t want to go without having to actually say the words. Loki either didn’t realise, or chose not to notice.

All too soon, they were out of the door, walking in the direction of the school. Peter bit the inside of his cheeks hard. He felt sick.

-

Loki and Tony were true to their word, walking him there and handing him over to the right person. Peter’s eyes filled with tears when they had to go, and he hugged them tight. He knew it was a mistake as soon as he’d done it, because he heard people laughing. Once they’d left, Peter was given a timetable and escorted to his new form room. 

“Here, this is your new boy” The head teacher said, pushing Peter into the room. “Peter Parker”

Peter felt thirty pairs of eyes turn to stare at him. He didn’t look back. The head left, and the form tutor half-smiled at him.

“I’m Ms Thea. Good to have you join us” she said. “Do you want to introduce yourself to the class?”

Peter shook his head.

Ms Thea shrugged. “Suit yourself. There’s a spare seat next to Jimmy”

Peter was forced to look up to find where his seat was. He reluctantly went and sat down. Jimmy shifted his chair over to the other side of the desk, as far away from Peter as possible. It didn’t go unnoticed, and a few of the other students sniggered. Peter ignored them, although his heart was thumping in his chest. 

Tony had said it was a similar school to his old one. Peter wasn’t so sure. He’d noticed the faded paintwork, the peeling posters on the walls, the dirty floor… He felt out of place already. It wasn’t that he felt he was better than this - far from it - it was just obvious that he wasn’t supposed to be there. It had been made apparent that these kids weren’t going to welcome him in a hurry.

The bell rang, making Peter jump. A few people laughed, and they all rushed out into the corridors. Peter was suddenly alone. Even Ms Thea had disappeared with the rabble. For a moment he just sat there, his pulse beating in his ears. He looked down at the timetable he’d been given. He had Maths first, in room 4G. He had no idea what that meant. It didn’t seem to be an especially big school, and he hadn’t noticed any direction signs in reception. He turned over the timetable, hoping to find a map. It was blank. He stood up and left the room. He looked at the door. 3F. He didn’t know what that meant either.

-

Peter got lost very quickly. He tried to retrace his steps, but it was as though the building changed around him, and he couldn’t find anything he recognised. He stopped at the top of a flight of stairs. The hallways were quiet now, eerily so. He stared down at the timetable, as though reading the room number over and over again might give him more clues. It didn’t. He knuckled his eyes, but the tears filled his eyes again just as quickly as they’d been wiped away. He could feel himself shaking. He felt hot and shivery, and he had a tight feeling in his throat. He swallowed hard. He wasn’t going to cry, not here, not now. 

He turned round, going through a door to his right. There was a sign outside one of the classrooms: 9G. He looked at his timetable again. He must be on the right track, surely. He followed the corridor down, keeping a close eye on the room numbers, and finally found 4G. He swallowed hard and pushed the door open. The teacher gave him a little wave. 

“You’re the new boy, right? Sit there” he gestured to a seat on the front row. 

Peter sat down, and jumped as the teacher slammed a grey workbook down on the desk in front of him. He jabbed at the cover with his pen, leaving dots of ink on the page.

“Your name there, then the class, and then my name at the bottom” the teacher said. “It’s Mr Jacobs”

Peter took out a pen and filled out the front obediently. His hand shook and the ink smudged a bit. Mr Jacobs didn’t seem to care. 

“Have you ever done Pythagoras?”

Peter nodded.

“Good. Hey, Ryan, hand these worksheets out” 

Ryan got up, barging Peter’s chair as he went up to the front and took the worksheets from Mr Jacobs, who sat down at the desk and started typing on his laptop. Peter glanced to his side. He was at the end of a row of four seats. There were two other people on the row. They’d moved up to leave a gap between themselves and Peter when he’d sat down. Peter looked down at his hands. He could feel the tears welling in his eyes again. 

Ryan slammed a worksheet down on Peter’s desk, grinning triumphantly when he made him jump. The worksheet had been crumpled considerably. Peter glanced to his other side, and once he saw people had started working, he smoothed out the worksheet and looked at it. It didn’t seem to be anything too tricky. He glanced at the other people on his row, and the people on the next table. They all seemed to be copying the diagrams into their workbooks and then solving them there, not on the worksheet, so he did the same. He had a good understanding of the basics of Pythagoras, so he managed to get lost in his work for a while. He could hear everyone else in the room talking and laughing, but it soon blurred into incomprehensible background noise. He was working quickly, and he found himself feeling pleased about that. 

“Lets see how far you’ve got” Mr Jacobs voice sounded, and he snatched Peter’s book from him. 

Peter looked at the pen he was holding. It was double sided, green at one end, red at the other. Peter had never seen one like it. Mr Jacobs had the pen held with the red end down, ready to litter the pages of the workbook with angry red crosses. His expression didn’t change, but he slowly twirled the pen round, reading through Peter’s answers and marking the page. A minute or two later, he set the exercise book back in front of Peter, its pages dotted with green ticks.

“Good work” he said. “Keep it up”

Peter allowed himself to be proud of himself, just for a moment. He heard whispering behind him, and as he listened harder, he could hear they were talking about him - and none of what they were saying was complimentary. His good mood faltered, and dropped completely when something hit him hard on the temple. It landed on the desk, revealing itself to be a metal pencil sharpener. Mr Jacobs had been lingering by Peter’s desk, checking over someone else’s work. He stopped, picking up the pencil sharpener and throwing it hard in the direction it had come from.

“What have I told you lot about throwing things in my classroom?” he growled, turning back to the girl whose work he was looking over. “Amanda, how many times? Squared does  _not_ mean times by four-”

Peter looked at him. Mr Jacobs caught him looking, and winked at him. Peter decided he liked him.

-

The ring of the bell prompted the same quick clear out of the room as earlier. They had a break now, for twenty minutes. At first Peter thought he should try to tag along with someone so he wouldn’t get lost again, but after most people blanked him, some made comments obviously directed at him, and Ryan shoulder-barged him on the way out of the room, he decided it was probably better not to. 

Peter wandered around on his own. It was amazing how quickly everyone disappeared and left a heavy silence in the air. The dim hallway blurred, and Peter had to swallow very hard to stop himself from crying. 

He found a vending machine under a set of stairs. There were two boys in front of it, younger than he was, talking about how you could trick it into thinking you’d put $1 into it by using a button or two 2¢ pieces stuck together with blu-tack. Peter lingered for a moment, watching them, and was surprised to see their scam worked. Just then, the bell went, and the boys grabbed their ill-gotten gains and ran off. 

Peter pulled out his timetable. History, in room 14S. He had no idea how to get to it. 

-

Eventually Peter found 14S. The teacher didn’t seem to care that he was fifteen minutes late. The desks were pushed up against the walls, and the rest of the class were busy arranging all the chairs into a big circle.

“New boy?” he nodded. “Sit wherever today. I’ll assign you a seat when the room’s set up properly. Alright class, sit down now!!”

Peter sat down, and the people either side of him made a point of moving their own chairs a good metre away from his. He couldn’t help minding a lot. He clasped his hands in his lap and stared down at them, tears filling his eyes once again. His chest felt hot and tight, and his stomach kept squeezing. It felt like he’d been here for an eternity. He wanted to be back at the Stark’s, snuggled up in the reading nook with Loki reading to him. Truth be told, he wanted to be anywhere in the world, anywhere other than  _here_.

-

Peter’s heart sunk as he saw what he had next. PE. He didn’t have any kit with him, and he didn’t feel like wearing lost property. Besides, Ryan had shoulder-barged him a number of times already. What if they had rugby or something like that? He had a feeling it wouldn’t be non-contact.

One benefit of PE was that he knew how to get to it. There was a second building at the school, with a big sign saying ‘Sports Hall’ on it. He found his way over to it, and was relieved to find that the gym and changing rooms were all over here too. He was still a few minutes late, but no one seemed to notice. One of the PE teachers came over to him.

“So you’re the new kid. I’m guessing you don’t have any kit with you?”

Peter shook his head.

“You can sit on the bench and keep an eye on the equipment trolley for today then”

-

Once everyone was changed, they went outside to the tennis courts. The trolley was set up by the back door of the sports hall, a good few metres from the courts. Peter spent the next forty-five minutes sat on the bench beside it, hoping that if anyone came close enough to see the tears in his eyes, that they’d think it was because of the cold, sharp wind, and not his emotions.

-

The lunch hour was similarly dull. The canteen was easy enough to find, but it was packed, and hot, and the smell of food made Peter feel sick. He hadn’t had much of an appetite recently. He’d been given lunch money, but he didn’t bother getting anything. He found a quiet corner by the late registration office, and sat on the floor out of sight, charging his phone and playing Tetris until the bell went again.

-

Peter completely lost his bearings. Every way he turned seemed to be something he hadn’t seen before. He kept tracing and retracing his steps, trying to find something familiar. The corridors were growing quiet, and he couldn’t bring himself to stop anyone to ask them. He pretended to be looking at his timetable, though he’d read ‘English, 1S’ at least a thousand times now. 

He was nearly twenty minutes late to the lesson by the time he found the right room. He was tired and fed up, and just wanted to sit down now. He opened the door, and a woman with short black hair stood up, fuming.

“You!” she snapped, standing in front of her desk. “You’re the new kid, I take it? The one whose aunt died?”

Peter nodded slowly, shocked. Tony had told him the school had been made aware of his situation, but he didn’t expect people to actually  _mention_ it - let alone shout it out in front of a whole class of people. He felt sick again. He didn’t want people to know about May. His heart was beating like mad, and he was overcome with a sense of dread. He was hot and cold at the same time, shivering and sweating, and he had pins and needles in his fingers.

“Where the hell have you been?! And don’t you dare say you got lost, because I know full well your class were on this floor first thing this morning” she shouted.

Peter flinched, taking a step back, barely able to look at her. How could she have shouted about his aunt like that? How dare she let all these strangers know his business? It was so wrong. 

“Answer me, you stupid boy!” the woman exploded. “How dare you turn up nearly half an hour late to  _my_ lesson, and without so much as a word of apology! You-”

Peter burst out crying. He’d expected the tears - he just hadn’t expected the sobs. He covered his mouth with both hands. The room had fallen silent, making his sobs sound louder than they were. He was mortified, but he couldn’t seem to stop. 

“What on earth are you crying about? Lord give me strength!” she sighed in an exasperated fashion. “Get out of my classroom! Stand outside and I’ll have a word with you after class” 

Peter didn’t need to be asked twice. She slammed the door behind him. Peter sank to the hallway floor, drawing his knees up to his chest and sobbing into his hands. He didn’t bother trying to stop: he knew any attempt would prove futile. He cried and cried, wishing he had the strength to run. He wanted to run and run and run some more, to find somewhere safe, somewhere that wasn’t here, somewhere where everything is ok again. He wanted Tony. No. No he didn’t. He wanted his aunt. He wanted May. 

-

Peter dragged himself to his feet, leaning his back against the cold brick wall. He looked down at his shoes, breathing very deeply. The bell went. It was a minute or two before the classroom door opened and the class filed out. Ryan lead the way, grinning from ear to ear, a spiteful smile. He laughed in Peter’s face.

“How  _old_ are you? Imagine, crying like a baby just because you got told off!” he laughed. “You’ve been crying all day anyway, haven’t you? Crybaby”

Peter glanced at him, but otherwise didn’t react. Ryan scowled, annoyed that he wasn’t getting a reaction.

“Hey, are you deaf or something? I’m talking to you, crybaby. I  _said_ , I’m  _talking_ to you!” he shoved his shoulder. 

Peter lifted his head. Ryan grinned. He went to shove him again, but Peter’s hand shot up, grabbing him by the wrist. All the hangers-on squealed, crowding closer, always eager at the slightest sign of conflict, lest a fight follow. 

“What are you lot doing here?” the sound of the teachers voice made Peter let go of Ryan’s wrist, and him and the others slunk away. Once everyone had gone, the teacher looked at Peter. “Ok, Parker. I don’t stand for insolence, and I don’t stand for lateness. There’s no excuse. Now get out of my sight”

-

The last slot on the timetable read ‘LL, Library’. Mercifully, there were posters in the hallways promoting the library, and they had directions on them, so it was relatively easy to find.

LL turned out to stand for Library Lesson, and basically consisted of the class going to all corners of the library, spreading workbooks out, and holding reading books in their hands, pretending to work when the supervising teacher walked by, but in actuality, gossiping for the hour. The librarian saw Peter’s confused face and told him it was time for people to work on homework or their English projects, or to do some reading. Peter hadn’t been assigned any projects or homework, so that left one option. Or, it would have, but all the kinds of books he would have liked to read were on shelves near Ryan and his gang, or other people from his class who had made it very clear he wasn’t welcome. The only part of the library that wasn’t taken was an armchair by the bookcase closest to the librarians desk. Peter set his bag down and sat down. He looked at the bookcase. The books were mainly revision guides and audio books. He took his maths exercise book out of his bag and turned to the back page. He needed to look busy, he knew that. He wrote ‘478 x 729 = ?’ at the top of the page, and set about solving it with the grid method. He couldn’t concentrate. He wasn’t really that far away from the rest of the class, and he could hear them talking about him. He tried to block it out, but it was like they were talking directly into his ear. He seemed to have gained a nickname by way of ‘crybaby’, and it wasn’t the worst word they were using to describe him. He gripped his pen, leaning over his exercise book, trying to focus on the sum, but it just wasn’t working. He let his pen fall to the floor and covered his face with his hands as he began to cry again. People noticed, and some laughed, and most joked, but they did nothing more than that. They didn’t ask if he was ok. They didn’t go over to him.

They didn’t care.

-

Peter had shoved his stuff into his bag and stood up before the bell had even finished ringing. He thanked his lucky stars that the rest of his class were busy gossiping and waiting for their friends, so he got a good head start. He rushed out of the library, down the stairs, along the corridor, down another set of stairs, through reception, and out of the front door. He waited until he was out of the school gates and then sped up, running in the direction of the Stark’s as fast as his legs would carry him. 

-

He made it home in just under five minutes. He burst into the house and ran straight to his room, slamming the door as hard as he could behind him. He tore his bag off his back, throwing it aside and throwing himself down on the bed. He buried his head in the pillow and howled.

*


	3. Please Stay With Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peter struggles to adjust to his new school and home life

-

Peter wasn’t best pleased when Tony grabbed him under the arms and pulled him onto his lap.

“Alright kiddo, I know” Tony said, hugging him close. “First days can be tough”

“You don’t know anything!” Peter cried, burying his face in his chest.

Tony sighed. The door creaked and Loki came into the room.

“Have you been asleep?” Tony asked uncertainly.

“I’m having a flare up; leave me alone” Loki sat beside him on the bed. “How was school?”

Peter lifted his head. “It was horrible! I hate it there; I’m never going back!”

“Don’t be silly, Peter” Tony said. “You have to give it a chance. You’ll be fine once you’ve settled in”

“I’m not going back and you can’t make me!”

He struggled off Tony’s lap, only to be grabbed and pulled onto Loki’s.

“Please don’t make me go back there!” he wailed, burying his face in Loki’s chest. “I hate it!”

Loki rubbed the boys shaking shoulders. “What happened?”

“It was so horrible. Everyone already knows each other and it’s all different and I kept getting lost”

“It will get better, kiddo” Tony said. “You’ll make friends, you’ll get used to the routine, and you’ll find your way around. You just need to give it time”

“I don’t want to! I want to go back to my old school!”

Tony sighed irritably. “Peter, we’ve been through this I don’t know how many times: it’s not possible for you to keep going there. How many times do you need me to say it?”

“It’s not fair”

“It’s not raining either”

Peter raised his head. “Let me go back!”

“Peter,  _darling_ , you know full well that it’s not a viable option” Tony said firmly.

“I don’t care! If I can’t go there, I’m not going to any school!”

“Peter, you’re being ridiculous.  _Everyone_  struggles on their first day. I understand you’re upset, but you’re just going to have to grin and bear it. You’ll settle in. You’ll be fine. We’ll support you. Stop crying now”

Peter cried harder, if only to make a point.

“Why don’t you talk us through everything that happened today?” Loki suggested.

Peter shook his head and slipped off Loki’s lap, pushing passed Tony and flopping back onto the bed with the pillow over his face. Tony and Loki looked at each other, sighed, and stood up. Maybe the kid needed a bit of alone time.

-

Peter kicked up one hell of a fuss in the morning, shouting and screaming and lashing out at Tony and Loki as they tried to get him ready.

“Would you  _please_  just give it a rest?!”

“No! I’m not going and you can’t make me!” he threw himself down onto the bed like a toddler and shouted.

Tony finally snapped, pulling him to his feet, grabbing him by the shoulders, and shaking him.

“You’re being totally unreasonable! You’re going to school whether you like it or not, do you hear me? This isn’t easy for us either, you know”

Peter buried his face in Tony’s chest and howled.

“God, give me strength!”

Loki intervened, allowing Tony to escape for a breather, and in his absence (with a lot of force) he managed to get Peter to wash and dress and go through to the kitchen. The boy refused to eat, and since they were behind schedule, Loki didn’t try to force him. He shoved Peter’s bag onto his back, pulled him to his feet, and - much to Peter’s dismay - marched him out of the house and down the road.

-

Like he often did now, Peter felt sick. Loki stopped at the gates, and the look on his face told Peter that if he tried to run, there’d be trouble. He had no choice but to go in, and it was just as horrible as the day before, if not more.

-

By Thursday morning, Peter knew his way around. He’d figured out the system: G classrooms were on the ground floor, F classrooms were on the first floor, and S classrooms were on the second floor. While it solved one problem, it brought on another.

More often than not, they had to wait outside the classroom until the teacher arrived. Once Peter stopped being late, this was an opportune time, with no people of authority about, for the rest of the students to torment him. This morning, as he reached the classroom for first lesson (2G - RE), he was shoved hard from behind. He landed heavily on his hands and knees, his bag thumping him hard on the back for good measure. It caught him completely off guard, and for a moment he was too surprised to do anything. Once he realised what had happened, he sat back on his heels, trying to ignore the whoops of laughter filling the corridor. Using the wall to support himself, he pulled himself to his feet and leant his back against it, keeping his head down in hopes that no one would notice the tears in his eyes. It didn’t work.

“Everyone stand back: the faucet is leaking again!” Ryan shouted, spreading his arms out as though guarding the people behind him.

Everyone squealed and rushed over to the other side of the hallway. Peter was used to being left on the sidelines now. They called the usual jokes about crybabies and floods and burst pipes. That last one always struck sore. They didn’t know how his aunt had died, and he knew they weren’t referencing gas mains, but it still reminded him of it.

He thought about the expensive silk handkerchief in his pocket, gifted to him by Loki. He used it at home, but never here. They laughed at him even more when the tears got too much and he had to scrub his eyes with his sleeve. Bringing out a silk embroidered hankie would yield not only more laughs, but also more ridicule. He knew that. He couldn’t use it, but it was still a comfort knowing it was there.

-

It was PE after break. Peter had kit now. He was relieved to find it was a type of uniform - generic black PE shorts with a school polo top. He didn’t trust the boys in his year, so he got to PE early, before the bell rang, and got changed while no one could bother him. He made a point of sitting close to the desk where the teacher took the register from, hoping people would leave him alone.

It was tennis again. They joined up with the girls, two couples to a court, and the teacher assigned partners, which was a relief. Peter was put with a girl called Rudi. Peter wasn’t bad at tennis, so he thought he’d just be able to get lost in a rally.

How wrong he was.

“I’ll serve” Rudi snapped, going over to the other side of the net.

Peter stood at the other side, racket poised at the ready. Rudi dropped the ball and hit it hard, so that it sailed high over the fence, and landed in the middle of the playing field.

“Go and get it, then” she said, and immediately turned and started chatting to the girl next to her.

Peter lowered his racket. He wasn’t surprised, not really, but it still hurt. He made his way to the playing field, taking his time. He had a bit of a cry while he searched for the ball, knowing no one was watching. He returned to the courts and sat down on the ground by the fence, bouncing the ball up and down with his racket. He didn’t bother attempting another game with Rudi: he knew it would be pointless.

-

At the end of the lesson, Peter was faced with another problem: getting changed again. He really didn’t like the idea of getting changed in front of everyone. There weren’t any changing cubicles, so there was no privacy. He bit his lip, wondering how best to overcome this issue. He could wait until everyone else had left, but then he ran the risk of people from the next group walking in on him.

He didn’t have his wits about him. It wasn’t until he was back in the changing rooms that he realised the obvious solution was to go into the toilets and get changed in a cubicle there, which he did. Mercifully no one else had the same idea, and no one followed him. Another problem solved, he supposed.

-

It was English next. Peter had been dreading it all week. The teacher was already there when they got to the classroom. Still, he waited till last to go in. The teacher looked less than pleased to see him.

“You’ve decided to show up on time today, I see” she said, looking down her crooked nose at him. “So you’re not as thick as you look”

Everyone laughed, and Peter could feel his face burning. The teacher smiled, and surveyed the room.

“There’s a place at the back. Take this” she forced an exercise book into his hands. “And sit down”

Peter made his way to the back of the room. The room was set out like all the other classrooms, in rows with a break down the middle. This back row was hardly a row at all: just a single table next to the wall and the window looking out onto the corridor. A boxload of poetry anthologies took up much of it. Peter put them in a single pile on one side of the desk, took a chair from the stack by the other wall, and sat down as close to the wall as possible. He looked down at his pink exercise book, got out his pen, and wrote his name and the subject on it. He didn’t write the teachers name, because he didn’t know it. He didn’t care to know it either: she obviously didn’t like him, and he didn’t think much of her either.

Peter leant against the wall. After a while he stopped listening, and looked out of the window. There wasn’t really anything to see, just the occasional student going by on their way to the toilet. Still, it was better than listening to the lesson. His book remained untouched on the desk. The teacher didn’t seem to notice, and if she did, she certainly didn’t care.

Peter had looked at his timetable so often he knew it by heart already. It was lunch next, and then Maths. He was looking forward to that. He’d heard a lot of people say Mr Jacobs was harsh and strict - or words to that effect - but Peter had found himself quite liking him last time. He hoped his memory had served him correctly.

-

Lunch came and went. Peter spent it by the late registration office, playing Tetris, just as he’d done all week. He found himself feeling very nervous as he approached room 4G, just in case things were different.

Mr Jacobs was more hands-on this time. They were doing a ‘recap lesson’ as Mr Jacobs put it, and everyone groaned when he said it. Peter was intrigued. The recap lesson consisted of Mr Jacobs writing simple addition, subtraction, multiplication, and division sums on the white board, and picking someone to come up and solve them. As the lesson went on, the sums got harder, and less people were putting their hands up. Mr Jacobs tapped the white board.

“Come on, you dosey lot! There’s nothing hard about this! I’ve taught you countless methods to work out these sums. Think about it! Four hundred and seventy six, multiplied by nine hundred and twenty three. One of you needs to give it a shot”

Peter knew how to solve it, but there was no way he was putting his hand up. He suddenly became horribly aware that Mr Jacobs was looking directly at him. He held the whiteboard pen out to him.

“Peter, you can do this one”

Everyone groaned and whispered. Peter stood up reluctantly. He took the whiteboard pen, trying to pretend no one else was there, and went over to the board. The sum took him just shy of three minutes to solve. He wrote the final answer, underlined it, and stood back, turning to Mr Jacobs.

“Exactly right! Four hundred and thirty nine thousand, three hundred, and forty eight. Not exactly  _hard_  now, was it, class? Good work, Peter” he smiled at him. It was the first time Peter had seen him smile. “You can sit down now”

Peter handed the pen back and went back to his seat. For a moment he felt pretty good about himself. Mr Jacobs turned to write another sum on the board, and while he was doing it, someone passed a note onto Peter’s desk. Peter hesitated. He knew he should ignore it, but he unfolded it anyway.

’ _Filthy little crybaby know-it-all_ ’

It was childish, Peter knew that - but it was still horrible to read. He screwed the note up in his fist, stood up, and went and threw it in the bin. If it hadn’t been for the furious tears in his eyes, it may have looked like he didn’t care. Mr Jacobs usually shouted at anyone with the audacity to leave their seat without his permission, but he didn’t say anything. Peter returned to his seat, the phrase; 'Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never hurt me’ racing through his mind.

The phrase was a liar.

-

The last lesson of the day was science. Biology. The teacher pointed Peter in the direction of the spare seat in the class, and Peter’s heart sank when he saw who it was next to. He swallowed hard and sat down, trying not to look at anyone.

“Yuck. What did I do to get stuck with  _you_?” Ryan spat, moving as far away from him as possible.

Peter pretended he hadn’t heard, and wrote his name and the subject on the front of his new workbook. He only had to get through the next hour, and then he could go home. He tried to content himself with that fact.

-

The horror of independent work that seemed to be prevalent at this school reared its ugly head again. The teacher sat at the desk not paying attention to the class, which meant all of Ryan’s crew were able to give him their full attention.

“Why do you never say anything?” Ryan demanded. 

Peter kept his eyes on the diagram in front of him.

“I  _said_ , why do you never say anything?” Ryan repeated, elbowing him in the ribs.

Peter gripped his pen tighter. He was always about two seconds from tears at any given moment, and he knew if he looked up things would get worse, and he didn’t need to cry in front of this lot again, not properly. Tears got enough ridicule, and they weren’t in a hurry to let him forget about Monday’s English lesson incident. He added another label to his diagram.

Ryan growled. “Hey, are you deaf or something?”

“He’s a wasted effort, Ry” someone said. “He’s probably not got a high enough IQ to know how to speak”

People seemed to like that comment, and it sparked a general round of laughter and suggestive discussion on how they could use it. None of their conclusions were very successful. ‘No IQ Nobody’ was the best they could come up with. Peter couldn’t help thinking how low the IQ and mentality of some of these kids must be.

“Is being useless contagious?” Ryan asked no one in particular. “Or is it genetic?”

“Don’t know. Wouldn’t take the risk” Rudi said from a few tables over. “Might be something in the air”

Peter bent his head low over his work. His eyes were filled with tears so everything was blurry. Try as he might, he couldn’t block out what everyone was saying. He  _knew_ it was stupid, he  _knew_ it was childish, and he  _knew_ they were just trying to get a reaction, but that didn’t make hearing it any easier.

“- never knew humans could be vermin until this week-”

Peter gripped his pen so hard he felt the plastic crack under his fingertips.

“Hey crybaby, what’s it like when no one in the world wants you? You don’t belong here. Obviously you didn’t belong wherever it was you used to be either, otherwise you’d still be there. SO, what are you for? You’re just a spare part, aren’t you? He’s nothing, isn’t that right, guys?”

Everyone immediately agreed. A tear splashed onto Peter’s worksheet, followed by another, and another.

“Woah, everyone stand back! Take cover, get your umbrellas out; it’s happening again!”

Peter started crying properly. He put his pen down and covered his face with his hands. Ryan and his friends fell about laughing, high-fiving each other. The sound of Peter crying caught the teachers attention.

“What’s going on over there?”

“Oh, I wouldn’t worry about it, Miss” Ryan said, waving a hand dismissively. “It’s always at it”

“Peter, step outside” she said, and went back to her papers. 

Peter stood up shakily and left the room. He sank into a chair in the hallway and sobbed into his hands. He wanted to go home. He wanted to go back, back to his old flat with all his old stuff. He wanted to be back at his old school. He wanted to be back in a time when he could get back from school and find May in the kitchen. He wanted to go back and hug her as tight as he could. He wanted her so much. Thinking of her made him cry harder still. He wanted his aunt. He missed her so much.

-

At some point, the biology teacher had brought Peter’s bag to him. Peter hadn’t really noticed. He’d gone quiet by the time the bell went. He didn’t look at anyone as the class came out of the classroom and wandered off in little groups, ready to go home. Once they were all out of sight, the teacher came into the corridor and stood in front of Peter.

“I see you’ve calmed down a bit now” she said.

Peter didn’t respond.

“Don’t look so down. I know starting a new school is tough, but you’ll soon get used to it”

Peter didn’t believe her.

-

People were still milling about when Peter walked out of the school and made his way towards the gates. He felt hollow and tired. He just wanted to go back to the Stark’s and crawl into bed.

“Yo, Parker!”

He was shoved hard from behind, and he landed sprawled in the gravel, scratching all up his arms and ripping the knee of his jeans in the process. He heard Ryan’s familiar jeering laugh behind him. He refused to look back. He pushed himself to his feet, sucking his breath. His arms and knees hurt rather a lot. Ryan grabbed him, turning him round so he was forced to face him.

“What did you do that for, Useless?” 

Peter turned on his heel and continued on his way to the gate. He walked fast, even though it hurt. Ryan and his gang didn’t follow, and as soon as he was out of the gates, he ran until the school was out of sight.

-

Tony wasn’t happy when he saw the state of Peter’s jeans.

“I only just bought those”

“Oh Tony, leave him alone” Loki said. “It’s obvious he’s had a fall. Come here, sweetie, let me see to you”

Peter sat at the breakfast bar and let Loki tend to him. It didn’t look anywhere near as nasty once the blood had been washed away. His hands and arms were grazed, and he’d cut his knee, but it wasn’t anything serious. Loki still fussed though, as he always did.

“Loki, he doesn’t need you babying him”

“Yes I do” Peter said, holding his arms out for Loki to hug him, which he did. 

Tony set a plate down on the breakfast bar. “Eat. You’re shaking”

“It’s the shock” Peter said. “From the fall”

Tony wasn’t convinced. “Eat. I’ll be down in the lab if you need me”

Peter waited until he was out of the room, and pushed the plate towards Loki.

“No” Loki said. “I told you yesterday: I’m not covering for you again”

“Please?”

“No”

“Fine”

Peter stood up, taking the plate over to the bin and emptying the contents into it. Loki frowned at him.

“You’ll get a bollocking if he finds out about that”

“‘If’ being the operative word here. I’m going to bed”

“Oh no you’re not” Loki said, grabbing hold of him. “You heard what Tony said yesterday”

“I’m tired. You’re tired too, I can tell”

“Peter-”

“Well it’s not fair! Why aren’t I allowed to sleep after school, but you’re allowed to sleep whenever you want? How is that fair?”

“I’ve got M.E: I need to rest. You know that”

Peter pouted. “Were you gonna have a nap now?”

“I’ve got to look after you”

“No you don’t. I’ll come and lie down too, ok?”

“No. Don’t give me that look!” Loki sighed irritably. “Alright, fine! But if Tony catches you, I’m telling him you weaseled your way in after I was already asleep”

Peter nodded. “Deal”

-

Peter snuggled up against Loki’s chest, feeling pretty pleased with himself. Loki was going through quite a bad flare up, and as a result, he wasn’t really up to the fight, and so Peter got his own way more often than not.

Peter felt tired all the time now. He didn’t have much energy, which was a result of both his mourning and his absent appetite. Sleep always sounded like the most desirable option, but nighttime was always tough. He’d spend ages lying awake, thinking, and when he did eventually fall asleep, he was plagued with nightmares. He hadn’t told Loki and Tony any of this, but he had realised that when he fell asleep during the day, especially beside one of them, he didn’t have nightmares. Tony said he’d ruin his sleep schedule by sleeping during the day, but considering it was the only peaceful sleep he got, Peter was willing to take that chance.

-

Tony pushed open Loki’s bedroom door.

“Oh good, you’re both in here”

Peter opened his eyes. “He’s asleep”

Tony sat on the edge of the bed, rubbing Loki’s shoulder firmly and giving him a little shake.

“Loki, time to wake up now”

Loki did wake up, whining and rubbing his eyes, feeling quite disorientated. He turned onto his back, looking up at Tony.

“What?”

“I need to talk to you two”

“Why?”

“I’ve got to go away”

Loki sat up. “When?”

“Next week. Thursday”

“How long for?” 

“A week, maybe ten days”

Loki didn’t look happy. “Are you sure that’s a good idea?”

“I haven’t got a choice” Tony said. He looked at Peter. “I’ll always be just a phone call away if you need me, kiddo. But you’ll have Loki looking after you, so you’ll be fine”

“Tony. You’re forgetting something”

“Hm? No, I don’t think I am. You can always call your brother if you need a hand, not that you will. You’ll be fine. It’ll just be you doing exactly what you always do. Only with more cooking”

Loki sighed heavily. “Well, I suppose if there’s no way round it” he looked down at Peter. “We’ll be ok, won’t we?”

Peter didn’t answer. He was too busy fighting back the tears. He didn’t want Tony to go. He’d been with him every day since the accident. Until this week, he’d worked from home so he’d be there for him when he needed him. He knew Tony’s work could be demanding. Sure, it was another week before he was going, but ten days sounded like a dreadfully long time. He wasn’t sure if he’d be able to cope without him. Loki was good in the parenting role, but he was always different during a flare-up, and if he was still fighting it next week, Peter thought maybe he wouldn’t manage either.

“Peter?”

Peter burst into tears, struggling upright and throwing himself at Tony.

“I don’t want you to go! Please, Mr Stark, please don’t leave me!”

“Hey, hey, settle down now” Tony said, concerned by his outburst, but not surprised. “Shh. It’ll only be for a little while. And I’m not going until next week”

“But I’ll miss you so much! Please don’t go! What if something happens to you?”

“Peter, nothing’s going to happen to me” Tony said. “It’s just a business trip. I’ll be back before you know it”

Peter didn’t believe him. The days had gone painfully slow ever since the accident. In some ways it already felt like it had happen years ago.

“Don’t go!”

“I have to. But I’ll phone you every day, I promise. You’ll be fine. You’ve got Loki, and you know he’ll take excellent care of you. And I’m sure Thor will be around too. And you’ve got school to keep you occupied. It’ll be fine, darling”

Again, Peter didn’t believe him. Well, he believed him when he said he’d phone, and that Loki would look after him and that Thor would visit, but he didn’t believe him about school. He was glad it was Friday tomorrow, but he knew the weekend would go by too quickly. He couldn’t bring himself to tell either of them what school was really like. He was too embarrassed to admit that he was being bullied, that he cried all the time and hid in corners at lunch to get away from everyone. He didn’t want to admit that he hadn’t said a single word to anyone since starting there.

“Please stay”

“I need to work, sweetheart. This isn’t up for debate. I’m sorry”

“Can’t I come with you?”

“You’ve got school”  

“I hate school” Peter spat, sounding more angry than upset.

“You’ve only been there five minutes! You haven’t had  _time_  to hate it. You’re just trying to guilt-trip me”

Suddenly Peter didn’t want him quite so much. He pulled away from Tony and crawled onto Loki’s lap instead. Tony sighed.

“Whatever. Anyway, what do you want for tea tonight?” Tony asked. “And don’t say you’re not hungry, because your stomach sounds like a dying whale, and I know you binned your after school snack today”

Peter buried his face in Loki’s chest. He didn’t want anything. He imagined he could count on one hand the number of full meals he’d had since the accident.

“You’ve gotta start eating sometime, kiddo. What would May say if she saw you now? Don’t you think she’d want you to look after yourself?”

Peter started crying all over again at the mention of her name. He knew Tony’s intentions were good, but it still felt like he was using his dead aunt as a bargaining chip. He tried to block out any thoughts of May, hoping that if he didn’t think about it, it wouldn’t hurt him. But he couldn’t do it. Every night the whole horrible scene of the nurse telling him she’d died played over in his head, and it made his blood run cold. He didn’t know how to cope with hearing her name. He didn’t want their sympathy. So he got angry instead.

“Leave me alone! Go away, I know you don’t care about me!” he pulled away from Loki. “Go away!”

“Peter, you’re in my room” Loki said calmly.

“I’m not talking to you!” he glared at Tony as best he could while crying. “Fuck off!”

“Oi, don’t you  _dare_  use that kind of language on me, young man! How dare you? I don’t care how much you’re hurting, it’s no excuse for rudeness”

“Tony”

“No, don’t defend him. Peter, go to your room”

“No! You can’t tell me what to do; you’re not my father!”

“No, but I  _am_  your legal guardian, and while you’re living under my roof, you’ll play by my rules. Now do as you’re told”

Peter stormed out of the room and went to his own, slamming the door so hard it made the walls shake. Tony fell against Loki’s chest.

“This is hard”

Loki rested a hand on Tony’s head. “He’s struggling. When he starts getting better, all this will start getting easier”

“He doesn’t smile any more”

“A building literally fell on him and killed his aunt. That’s not the kind of thing he’s going to get over quickly”

“I know. And I know it’s bad, but I miss the old him. He was always laughing and hanging off my arm and looking over my shoulder asking what I was doing. I know it drives you mad, but I kinda miss the way he’d suddenly appear suspended from the ceiling or halfway up the wall. It made me laugh…”

He pushed Loki down onto his back and lay on top of him.

“I’ve tried to get him to get his suit on and go and foil some minor crimes or whatever. I even offered to go with him, but he wouldn’t do it. I think it’d do him good”

“Not if his focus was off. He’d end up getting hurt”

“Maybe. I don’t know. I just want him to pick himself up and make an effort to keep himself busy. He won’t come down to the lab anymore either”

Loki sighed. “I think we just need to wait. It’s like you said: once he’s settled in at school and made some friends, he’ll start getting better. He’s just too sad right now”

“What about you? You’re sad too”

“As are you” Loki said. “We lost her too”

Tony closed his eyes. “You’re having a flare up”

“It’ll pass. I’ve been up and about a bit more today. With any luck I’ll be better before you go away”

“Hope so. But I still think you should ask your brother to visit”

“Peter cried like a baby last time he saw him”

“Peter cries like a baby 24/7. He looks up to Thor. I think he’d like to see him again”

“I’ll think about it”

-

Friday opened Peter’s eyes to a theme: every time he did his work and got it right, he got ridiculed for it. The simple solution was, of course, to stop doing any work.

-

Peter had a lot of time over the next two days to think about how well this plan would work. He got into a blazing row with Tony on Saturday morning and was subsequently sent to his room, where he stayed for much of the weekend.

None of the teachers at school seemed to care what the kids did. Peter hadn’t bothered writing down any of his homework assignments, but no one said anything when he had nothing to hand in. Similarly, he noticed that a number of the kids in his class did the absolute bare minimum and no one batted an eyelid. The only teacher likely to say anything was Mrs Coney, his delightful English teacher, but, as long as he was on time, she never paid any attention to him anyway. Mr Jacobs was a challenge, because Peter liked him, and he was good at maths. Maybe he’d keep working in Maths, but none of the other subjects.

Drama was the easiest to get out of. No one wanted him about, and when they’d been split into groups in the one lesson he’d had so far, they’d all pretended he wasn’t there, so he’d spent the lesson stood about doing nothing. PE was also easy enough. All he had to do was leave his kit at home, and then spend the lesson ‘guarding’ the kit trolley. He saw no reason why he should care when any effort he put in just resulted in having milkshake ‘accidentally’ spilled on his books and a series of loud whispers calling him every name under the sun. He didn’t care about school now, and he wasn’t going to pretend that he did.

-

Peter put his plan into action on Monday. It was maths first, and that made him nervous. He was horrified (and a little relieved) to turn up to the lesson and find that Mr Jacobs wasn’t there. The teacher said he’d gone off sick, and they didn’t know when he’d be back. It sounded horribly permanent. This new teacher seemed just as indifferent as most people at this school, so Peter sat back and did nothing for the full hour. It was surprisingly easy. He stared at the desk and zoned out, and surprisingly, no one said anything about it.

-

Over the next few days, Peter settled into a routine. He did no work, no homework, nothing. He sat at the back of the drama studio pretending to study a script, and he left his PE kit at home and spent the lesson sat by the equipment trolley. He didn’t eat and he didn’t speak.

Everyone was still horrible to him, almost unbearably so. Ryan lead the movement, and everyone laughed and copied and joined in. It wasn’t easy to ignore them when they were so loud and obvious about it. Peter’s reputation of 'crybaby’ reaffirmed itself constantly. If he wasn’t crying from being pushed over or taunted, he was crying because he couldn’t stop thinking about May and everything he’d lost. Every time he hit the floor he was filled with a sense of betrayal. Everyone had told him that everything was going to be ok. He’d never believed them, and for once, being proved right was heartbreaking. He felt like he’d been lied to.

-

Peter sat on Tony’s bed on Wednesday evening, watching him pack. He sat hugging a pillow against his stomach. He’d been shoved very hard into the corner of one of the heavy science desks earlier that day, and it still hurt rather a lot. He had a feeling he’d soon have more bruises to add to his growing collection.

“So, how was school?” Tony asked, breaking what had been a comfortable silence up till that point.

“I want to go back to my old school”

“Oh for gods sake, Peter!” Tony snapped. “How many times do we have to go through this?? Do you need to have another look at the figures? Look, I’m  _sorry_ , I  _know_  you miss it, but you know it’s not possible for you to go there. You’re just going to have to accept it”

Peter hung his head, tears dripping down his cheeks. Tony sighed, sitting down beside him and pulling him close with an arm round his shoulders.

“You and Loki could fill an Olympic sized swimming pool every week, what with the amount of water you two produce”

Peter buried his face in his hands.

“Sorry I snapped at you, kiddo. I shouldn’t have raised my voice like that… Your new school’s not really so bad, is it? You know you can tell me anything”

Peter very nearly did tell him everything then. But he’d noticed how tired Tony had looked recently, and he knew that he was finding all this change challenging too. He thought about everything that had happened since starting school, and he imagined the look on Tony’s face if he found out, and he just couldn’t do it to him. Not now. He knew he was doing his best.

“Do you really have to go?”

Tony sighed. “Yeah, I really do. But I’ll call you every night. And you can call me whenever you need to… Peter?”

Peter looked up. “Yeah?”

“Be good for Loki, would you? You know he’s not very well at the moment. He wouldn’t thank me for saying it, but he’s not really strong enough to deal with all this right now. Go easy on him, won’t you? Please? For me?”

Peter nodded slowly. Tony wiped the tears from Peter’s face with his sleeve.

“Good boy. I’ll be back before you know it” 

“What time are you leaving?”

“I’m not sure yet. I’ll be here to wave you off in the morning, but I’ll be gone long before you’re home”

Peter looked at him. “You never asked Loki”

“Asked him what?”

“At the hospital. You never asked him. You just said I was coming home with you”

Tony closed his eyes and counted to ten in his head. He sighed, and looked at Peter again. “I never needed to ask. He loves you. There’s no way he’d ever had said no. It was the obvious thing to do. May always sent you to us when she couldn’t look after you… She trusted us”

Peter swallowed hard, his eyes filling with tears again. “I miss her so much-!”

His voice cracked and he turned and buried his face in Tony’s chest. Tony held him tight, a little too tight.

“I know sweetheart. I know, I miss her too” he started crying too.

Peter cried harder, because he never could cope with Tony crying.

“I’m so sorry” he kissed the boy shakily on the cheek. “I’m sorry-”

Peter clung to him, wracked with silent sobs. He had pins and needles from his awkward position but he didn’t care. He tried hard to focus on the feeling of Tony’s arms round him. He never wanted to let go.

-

Peter woke up in Tony’s arms. They were still in Tony’s room, the suitcase still beside them on the bed. Everything felt blurry and hollow.

“We should probably get up now” Tony said, kissing him on the forehead. “You’ll be late for school”

-

Leaving the house felt even more horrible than usual that morning. He forced himself to keep walking, just as he did every morning. He hated knowing that Tony wouldn’t be there when he got back.

-

Ryan must have been distracted by other things, because his bullying was very low-key for most of the day. Peter had been thinking of all the worst possible outcomes to Tony’s business trip, and he’d upset himself and was crying a lot. Because of this, he managed to ignore a lot of what people were saying about him. All he’d really managed to catch was that they were calling him ‘it’ now. 

It wasn’t until after school finished for the day that things started getting bad again. Ryan and his gang decided to use the cover of the busy hallways to push him around and shout at him. They didn’t appreciate Peter ignoring them. Ryan stood in front of Peter, so he was forced to stop.

“Didn’t anyone ever teach you it’s rude to ignore people when they’re talking to you?”

Peter turned on his heel, only to come face to face with Jimmy, one of Ryan’s most loyal rabble members. He soon became painfully aware that he was surrounded, boxed in, trapped. He didn’t know quite what to do. Ryan grabbed him by the collar, and Peter pushed his hand away furiously.

“Ooooohhh! Getting bitchy now, isn’t it?”

Peter’s pulse was beating in his ears. He could feel the heat of the rabble around him, he could smell them, the horrible mixture of sweat and too much aftershave. Many of them were taller than him, blocking out the light and making it feel very dark. He looked at Ryan, trying to work out if he’d be able to barge through and run without being grabbed.

“Hey, you’re not going to try to run, are you?” Ryan sneered, looking down at him. “We’re your  _friends_ , aren’t we?”

The people either side of him moved closer to their leader. Peter took a slight step back. There was a smaller boy just to the right of him, a weak-looking boy who was only joining in the avoid becoming victim himself. He was the weak link in the chain. 

“Hey, what are you looking at? You’re crazy”

Peter raised an eyebrow in the same manner that Loki did when faced with a ridiculous situation. Ryan growled, raising a hand and slapping him hard across the face. There was uproarious applause and cheering from the rabble. Ryan had a smug smile plastered over his face. Peter lowered his hand from his face. He knew what was going to happen if he stayed here. He moved fast, hooking his foot round the ankle of the weak link, tripping the boy to the ground, and darting through the gap he left in the circle. 

He ran like he had never ran before, weaving in and out of people and jumping over obstacles in his way. He soon lost the rabble, and then he was out of the school, out of the gates, down the street. 

‘ _I don’t have to deal with this_ ’ he thought as he ran towards home. 

He’d been through enough this month without having to add this struggle into the mix. What was it May had always said to do when something dangerous was happening? ‘Turn and run the other way’. Well, that was exactly what he was going to do. He was never going back to that school, whether his new guardians liked it or not. They wouldn’t have to know. This was his life, and he was taking control.

‘ _I’m never going back_ ’

*


	4. When Your Guard Is Down

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peter finally starts to open up a bit. He starts putting his plan into action

-

The house seemed very empty without Tony. Even though he knew he wasn’t there, Peter walked round the house, checking all the rooms, just in case. He didn’t find Tony, of course, but he found Loki curled up on the futon with Thor. Peter burst into tears. 

“Oh dear. What’s the matter, Peter?" 

"I want Mr Stark!!" 

Loki sighed, and held an arm out to him. Peter launched himself at him. It hurt rather a lot, but Loki didn’t say. Thor put an arm round Loki and pulled them both closer. Peter shifted over onto Thor’s lap, and Thor held him tight in his strong arms.

"It’s good to see you too!”

Peter just snuffled. He always felt very small when Thor hugged him - but very safe too. 

“I hear you started school last week" 

Peter buried his face in Thor’s shoulder. "I don’t wanna talk about it" 

"He’s still adjusting” Loki said. “Peter, enough with the water works! Tony will be back in no time. He’s calling you later. Seven o’ clock, he said" 

Peter put his hands over his ears. He didn’t want to hear it. Thor looked at Loki.

"How are you managing?”  

“We’re getting there” Loki said vaguely. “It’s not easy" 

"You know you can always ask me for help" 

"That’s what Tony said” Loki said. “I don’t need your help. I’ve been looking after him on and off for more than two years now. He’s a little bugger but I can handle it" 

"I heard that” Peter mumbled. 

“Good" 

"What about you, Peter? How are you managing?" 

"Everything’s rubbish and I wish I was dead" 

"Don’t say things like that" 

"But it’s true" 

"No it isn’t”  

Peter whined into his shoulder. “No one listens to me any more" 

"Now hold on, that’s not true at all” Loki cut in. “You don’t  _tell_  us anything any more" 

"Yes I do!” Peter turned his head to look at him. “I told you I hate school, and you still make me go" 

Loki rested his forehead in his hand. "Peter, we’ve been through this. You  _have_  to go to school. Your education is important, and what’s more, it’s the law" 

"It’s hardly an education" 

"Peter, give it a rest. Give the place a chance and you might find you like it”

Peter gave him a look that said he doubted that very much. 

“What’s so bad about this school anyway?" 

Peter grumbled and turned his head away. "I hate it" 

"Why?" 

"I just do" 

"But  _why_?" 

Peter covered his face and started crying again. Thor held him tighter, one hand on the back of his head. Loki growled. 

"You’re starting to do my head in” he stood up, slipping his feet into a nearby pair of shoes. “Brother, you said I could ask you to help, didn’t you? Can you hold the fort here for a while?" 

Thor nodded. 

"Good. I’m going to the pub" 

- 

Thor held Peter while he cried, and once he finally quietened, he said: 

"There now. I’ve got you" 

"Everyone keeps leaving" 

"Loki will be back later on. Tony will be back next week. And I’ll be here whenever you want me to be. Now” he sat Peter up so he could talk to him face to face. “Tell me about school" 

Peter turned his head away. "I don’t want to" 

"I think you should. Tell me. Have you got a favourite teacher?" 

Peter though for a moment. "I liked Mr Jacobs. But he’s gone off sick now”

“That’s a shame. What other teachers do you like?" 

Peter shrugged. "The PE teachers are ok" 

"What about the other kids? Who have you made friends with?" 

For a moment he had the mad idea of inventing a group of friends who laughed at his jokes and studied his homework with him and kept asking him to go to town with them. He wasn’t sure telling a massive lie would be any better than the truth though. 

"I miss my old school. I miss my friends" 

"Haven’t you been keeping in touch with them?" 

He hadn’t. Ned still texted him every other day, but he never replied. He often spent a long time staring at the screen, trying to think of what to say. He could never decide what to put, so he just left it. 

"I’m tired. I want to go to bed" 

"It’s only half six” Thor said. “You’ll be getting a phone call soon, and then you’ll need to have something to eat-" 

"I’m not hungry" 

"That’s irrelevant. You need to keep your strength up" 

"What’s the point? It’s not like I’ve got anything to live for" 

"That’s not true. What about all your ambitions? What about spiderman? What about all the people that care about you?" 

"No one cares about me" 

"You can’t really believe that. Lots of people care about you. I care about you. Loki and Tony care about you-" 

"No they don’t" 

"Yes they do. They love you. You’re like a son to them. You must know that” he sighed when Peter didn’t respond. “I know losing a loved one is horrible. I know what it’s like to have someone there one minute, and gone the next. It’s like you’ve lost a part of yourself, isn’t it?" 

Peter nodded. 

"Your aunt… Well, she was a hell of a woman” Thor smiled to himself. “She went too soon… But you’re still here. Time is going to keep moving forward, and you should, too. You will build a life for yourself, and you will get better, because you have to" 

"May always said she didn’t mind what I did with my life as long as I was happy”

“I want you to think back for me. Pretend it’s six weeks ago, before all this happened. If I asked you what made you happy, what would you say?" 

"Being here. Being here always made me feel good. Like a second home… It’s my only home now. But it feels different. I hated it when they brought me home from the hospital” he fell back against Thor’s chest. “I’m just so scared all the time. I don’t think people understand what it’s like to cry this much. It’s like it doesn’t stop: it just gets paused sometimes" 

"Have you talked to anyone about all this?" 

"No. Mr Stark said I should see a councillor, but I didn’t want to… Mr Thor, can I tell you something?" 

"Anything" 

"I’m really glad Mr Stark and Mr Loki took me in. I know I must look ungrateful, but I’m not. I know this would be so much worse if I’d been put with strangers. But, well…” he was quiet for a good thirty seconds. “I feel so disloyal to May" 

"I understand. But let me say something. I want you to think for me. You remembering a few years ago when your aunt went travelling and working and couldn’t take you with her? Remember last year when she was in hospital after having that operation and couldn’t look after you? Remember when she had to go out of town to visit her sick friend and you had to stay behind? Who did she leave you with all those times?" 

Peter swallowed. 

"She always trusted Loki and Tony to take care of you. Those three basically had a custody agreement over you. What was it? Every second Wednesday and weekend?" 

"Every Wednesday and every second weekend" 

"Right. If your aunt was watching you now, if she saw where you were living, who you were living with, what would she feel, do you think?" 

Peter allowed himself to think about May properly. He remembered all the times there was an emergency and she needed someone to look after him. He remembered the look on her face whenever they agreed to take him. 

"I think she’d be relieved” he said. “And I think she’d be grateful…" 

Peter’s face crumpled. Why did remembering her have to hurt so much?

"I know. I know” Thor held him close and rocked him while he cried. “It gets better. I promise it gets better. In time" 

- 

The phone rang at exactly seven o’ clock. Peter was still sniffling as Thor handed him the receiver. 

"Hello?" 

"Hey kiddo! Just checking in. How was school? Have you had dinner yet?" 

"Not yet. I’m not - umm… Mr Thor is here. He’s gonna make me something”

“See, I told you he’d be round” Tony said. “Are you ok?" 

"Not really” Peter sniffed, wiping his nose on the back of his hand. “I miss you" 

"I miss you too. Ten days, kid, that’s all. Be a good boy while I’m away, and I’ll take you out for a treat when I get back. We can do anything you like" 

"I want you to come home. I need you" 

"You’ve got Loki. And you’ve got Thor. Hang in there. I’ll call you again tomorrow" 

Peter gripped the receiver. "You’re hanging up already?" 

"I’ve got stuff to do. We can talk longer tomorrow, I promise. Be good. Love you lots" 

"I love you too" 

Tony swallowed. "Goodnight kid" 

"Goodnight" 

-

Peter started crying all over again after he hung up the phone, and he wouldn’t be consoled. He wouldn’t let Thor near him. Loki returned home in the meantime, wobbly from the drink, and Peter wouldn’t let him comfort him either. Loki had come home a lot earlier than planned, guilty for leaving Peter, but now he regretted giving in to his conscience. He hadn’t had nearly enough booze to deal with this.

“Peter, give it a rest. You’re doing my head in”

“I want Mr Stark! Make him come home!”

“He’s working. Settle down now”

Peter didn’t. Loki was very close to losing his temper. Thor placed a hand on his brother’s shoulder.

“Just tell me what to do”

Loki took a deep breath and looked at him. “Put him to bed. If you leave him alone for long enough he’ll eventually tire himself out”

-

Peter often felt like he was cursed nowadays. He’d read stories about witches and bad people who were cursed to do strange things, like dance for the rest of their days so their feet were blistered to the bone, or spew frogs from their mouths whenever they tried to speak. He felt like he was one of them now, but his curse was screaming. It was always so hard to stop once he started. He imagined that everyone viewed his outbursts as toddler tantrums.

Maybe that was why Loki’s method of dealing with his major screaming fits was to shove him into his room and leave him there until he stopped. Considering the outbursts Loki used to have, Peter expected him to be a bit more understanding. But then again, Loki wasn’t coping with this anywhere near as well as he was making out. Maybe he just didn’t want to deal with it any more. Maybe he didn’t care.

-

Peter woke up to the sound of the rain hammering against his bedroom window. He looked at the clock on the bedside table. In a few minutes Loki would be in, telling him to get ready for school. It always felt like a death sentence.

-

Peter was feeling too numb to protest or even think much in the morning. He was halfway down the road on the way to school before he remembered what he’d told himself the day before. 

He stopped, looking around. It was raining heavily, and everyone was hurrying to where they needed to be. The car headlights illuminated the wet road as they drove along. It was dim and cloudy. Peter felt the same. 

He walked in a different direction. He didn’t know where he was going. He couldn’t go to school. He couldn’t go to Thor’s. He certainly couldn’t risk sneaking back home either. The cafe with the blue curtains and broken neon sign suddenly came to mind.

He sat at a table hidden behind the curtains, watching the rain out the window. He sipped his cappuccino slowly. He knew there was only so long he could spend in the cafe before he’d have to find somewhere else. The problem was, he couldn’t think of a single place to go. There were some museums near here, some of which he’d been to before, but going there, it was still only a maximum of two hours he’d kill. He needed somewhere where he could camp out, hidden but comfortable, until it was time to go home. 

-

Peter left the cafe and continued his walk. It was still raining, although not so hard. He wandered along, finding a large shopping centre. There wasn’t anything he wanted or needed to buy, but it was something to do, so he went inside. 

He killed an hour and a half looking in various shops, but it was still only half eleven by the time he’d finished in there. He couldn’t go home for ages yet. He’d been getting back at around 3.45pm, so he still had a good four hours to kill. He was tired and fed up. Maybe bunking off wasn’t the way forward.

-

Just when he was giving up, he stumbled across a library. It was smaller than the main one in town, but still a big building by all accounts. It was freezing outside, and his clothes were all but soaked from being out in the rain, so he went inside.

It was refreshingly silent after the hustle and bustle of the streets. He read the sign by the staircase, and followed it up to the general reading section. There were very few people about, just a few older men tapping away at the old computers and the odd person reading at a table. He wandered the bookshelves for a while, finally picking up something he’d already read. He looked at it for a moment. Would he have enough time to finish it today? He couldn’t take it home with him. He didn’t have a library card, and even if he did, he was certain Loki would question him on when he’d had time to go to the library, and he’d surely be found out. He sighed, rounding a corner. He found a few tables with chairs round them, and in the corner was a big purple armchair with a footstool. Peter put his bag down at the side of the chair and sat down. He shivered in his damp clothing, settling down in the chair. There was a fan heater beside him. He reached across and turned it on, closing his eyes as the warm air hit him. He felt like he’d struck gold. This would be fine.

-

Peter timed it to perfection. He finished the book and put it on the shelf before leaving, and he returned home at 3.45pm exactly. For the first time in what felt like an eternity, he felt content with himself. It had stopped raining on the walk back, and his clothes were warm and dry from sitting in front of the heater all afternoon. 

Loki was on the phone, pacing the kitchen tiles. He acknowledged Peter with a nod, but otherwise didn’t pay any attention to him. Peter didn’t mind too much. He fixed himself something to eat and took the plate to his room, where he scrolled through his phone and ate calmly, feeling pretty good about himself. Now he had somewhere to go, skipping school was going to be as easy as anything. He’d never have to see Ryan and his gang again.

-

Peter wasn’t feeling quite so good when he woke up on Saturday morning. He had a bit of a headache and a sore throat, and he was cold. There was a knock on his bedroom door, and Loki came into the room. He was nicely dressed, shoes on and his leather shoulder bag on his shoulder.

“I’m going out. Do you want to come with me?”

“I don’t feel well”

Loki put his bag down and knelt at Peter’s side, feeling his forehead. “I don’t think you’ve got a temperature. What’s bothering you?”

“I’m cold. And my throat really hurts” 

“Alright. Stay here”

Loki returned a few minutes later. He made Peter sit up, and unscrewed the cap from the bottle he was holding.

“What is it?” Peter asked cautiously, watching as Loki poured some of the thick black liquid onto a medicine spoon.

“It’ll help your throat. Three of these. Here”

Peter wrinkled his nose. “I don’t want it”

“Tough. It’s really not that bad, I swear”

Peter let Loki give him the spoonful. The menthol burnt the back of his throat and his face screwed up in disgust. Loki laughed at him.

“Drama queen. Two more”

“It’s totally gross! I don’t want any more”

“Tough, the dose is three spoonfuls. Do as you’re told”

Peter let Loki give him the medicine, although he wasn’t happy about it. Loki set the bottle and spoon down on the bedside table.

“Your face! It’s not even that bad!”

“Yes it is! It’d better work”

Loki laughed, fumbling in his pocket and pulling out a wrapped sweet, which he handed to Peter. “Barley sugar, since you’re being so fussy”

Peter accepted it gratefully. Loki gave him a hot water bottle and made him lie down, wrapping him in a fleece blanket before tucking the quilt over him.

“There now, get some rest and you’ll feel better. I’ve got my phone on me, so you can reach me if you need me. Otherwise I’ll be back by two. See you later”

-

Peter felt much the same when Loki got back. Loki forced more medicine down him and got him out of bed, making him get changed into a clean set of pyjamas and do his teeth. Once he’d done so, Loki took him to the kitchen, getting him a drink. 

“Now, I think you need something to eat, something proper” Loki said, getting out the chopping board. “You’ll feel better for it”

“Do I have to? I just want to lie down”

“Go and settle yourself on the sofa then. I’ll bring you a bowl once it’s ready”

Peter went through to the lounge. The quilted blanket was folded up on the basket. He unfolded it, laying it out over the sofa, and wrapping it round himself once he sat down. There was something amazingly comforting about this blanket. He lay down, his head on the armrest, watching the rain pattering down on the window.

-

Peter jumped awake.

“It’s only me” Loki said. 

Loki sat down and made the boy sit up. Peter whined, annoyed at being disturbed.

“I don’t feel well”

“We’ll fix that”

-

Loki certainly tried. He’d made one of Peter’s favourites, and he spent a long while getting the boy fed. Once he’d finished, Loki pulled him onto his lap, and they spent the afternoon together, watching films and playing paper games to keep Peter distracted. It worked. Peter stopped feeling quite so rough. He stayed warm, wrapped in the quilted blanket, safe in Loki’s arms, and after a while, he felt almost happy. It was like they’d gone back in time, doing what they always did when everything was still ok. 

Peter cuddled up against Loki’s chest. Loki held him close, one hand on his hip, the other on his head. His phone rang, and he answered it, listening for a moment before holding it against Peter’s ear.

“Hello?”

“Hey kiddo! How are you doing? Been up to much today?”

“Mm. I’m a little under the weather” Peter said, sitting up and holding the phone himself. “Mr Loki’s been looking after me. He made me that soup”

“The cauliflower cheese one?”

“Yeah. It was good… What have you been doing today?”

“Meetings” Tony sighed. “Meetings, meetings, and more meetings. You should see my schedule, it’s insane: meeting after meeting after meeting! I’ll come back utterly mad, I bet you”

“You’re already mad”

“Damn right I am. So are you. And the husband. All us mad-ones in one house. What an existence, eh?”

“You love him though” Peter said.

“Of course I do. He’s my favourite” Tony said. 

“Do you know when you’ll be home?”

“Not yet. I’ll let you know as soon as I know. You sound tired, sweetheart. Rest up this weekend, get yourself better”

“I’m only a little bit ill”

“I know, but even so. I’d better let you rest. Put Loki on, would you? Goodnight kiddo”

Peter handed the mobile to Loki. Loki took it.

“Hey”

“Hey gorgeous. How’s he doing, really?”

Loki shrugged. “He’s fine. Just a bit of a sore throat and stuff like that. He’ll be over it by tomorrow”

“Don’t keep him up too long. He needs rest… Well done on getting him fed, though. I know it’s like getting blood from a stone nowadays”

“Isn’t it just? He was fine. He just needs a bit of TLC, I think” he combed his fingers through Peter’s hair. 

“Yeah… Look, I’d better be getting on. I’ve got to be up early tomorrow, and I’ve got a few business calls to make”

“Ok, ok. Good luck with it all”

“Thanks Lolly” he paused a moment. “Thank you. I mean it. Love you to bits”

“I love you too, darling. Now get back to work”

Tony laughed. “Alright, I’m going! Be good. I’ll call again tomorrow. Love you. Goodnight”

“Goodnight-”

Peter watched their complicated goodnight-goodbye-love-you routine. It always sounded like they both wanted to keep the call going as long as possible, but knew they had to end it. It was the way every phone call between the two of them ended. 

Loki set his phone down on the arm of the sofa. Peter knelt up in Loki’s lap, winding his arms round his neck and resting his chin on his shoulder.

“You’re very cuddly this evening” Loki noted.

“I love you. Thanks for looking after me, dad”

“Dad?!” Peter had called Tony dad lots of times, but never Loki.

“Yeah. Dad” Peter sighed. “Remember when May called you dad of the year?”

Loki smiled. “Tony wasn’t very happy”

“She told him to suck it up and try for the title again next year” Peter laughed slightly. “You know, she loved you both the same. But she liked you more”

“Can’t say I blame her” Loki said. “She was a right ball-breaker, you know. She could shut Tony up with just a look. She’s the only person aside from myself that I’ve ever known be able to do that”

“No one would mess with her. Not even you”

“She never gave me any reason to mess with her. I don’t think we ever even had a proper argument” 

Peter thought for a moment. “I don’t think you did either. You just had… friendly confrontations”

Loki laughed. “Well if that’s what you want to call it, that suits me” He looked over at the clock. “Ah, I think it’s time for poorly little people to go to bed”

“Do I have to?”

“Yep. Come on”

-

Loki carted Peter to his room and set him down on the bed. Peter acted cute for him, wriggling under the covers and cuddling up with his old seal toy and grinning up at him.

“That’s what I like to see” Loki said, kissing him on the nose and pinching his cheeks. “You’ve got such a bright little smile”

“Mm… This is rubbish”

“What is?”

“Getting ill on a weekend” Peter said. “Why couldn’t I have gotten ill on a school day?”

Loki shook his head. “Sods law, I suppose. Right, you’d better go to sleep now”

He tucked Peter in properly, turned out the light, and left him to sleep. He smiled to himself as he went over to the reading nook.  _Dad_. Now, there was something good about being called that. It felt like acceptance.

-

Peter lay in the dark, trying to sleep. He wasn’t sure what he was feeling. He felt a little bit bad about pulling one over on Loki like that, but at the same time, oddly proud. Loki had always had an untold skill for detecting lies - especially Peter’s - but he hadn’t caught him out yet. Being dishonest didn’t sit well with him, but once he thought of the alternative, he didn’t feel quite so bad. If tricking Loki and Tony was all it took to avoid being pushed over and ridiculed day in, day out, it was a small price to pay for quality of life. 

*


	5. So Many Truths, Too Many Lies

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peter settles into a routine - or so he thinks

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think I've tagged all the themes, but please let me know if you think I've missed anything.
> 
> As always, comments/reviews are appreciated!

-

As per Loki’s prediction, Peter was feeling better by Sunday afternoon. That didn’t stop him from using his brief illness to gain the sympathy vote though. He’d always loved it when Loki fussed over him, and today was no exception. He spent much of the day cuddled up to Loki, letting him read to him and play little games and treat him like a little kid. Peter was happy with that. When Tony rang in the evening, they put the phone on speaker and chatted with him together.

“It’s getting late” Loki said eventually. “I think it’s time to put the kid to bed. He’ll never get up for school in the morning otherwise”

Peter didn’t say anything. School was a thing of the past as far as he was concerned.

-

Peter was determined never to set foot in that school ever again. Still, he kicked up a fuss in the morning, just to appear authentic, and Loki bought it, telling him once again to give the place a try and stop being so stubbornly defiant about it. Loki pushed him out of the door at half eight, same as every morning. Peter knew where he was going this time. It wasn’t raining, so he took a leisurely stroll along to the little library, stopping at a coffee cart for a drink halfway there. 

The library felt welcoming as soon as he walked in. It was a little busier this morning, even though it had only just opened. Still, when Peter went up to the second floor, the armchair he’d used on Friday was empty, so he put his bag down to save it and went to find a book to read. He found one quite quickly, and returned to the armchair. As he settled down and opened the book, he couldn’t help feeling grateful that Loki did all his reading at home.

-

By midday, Peter was started to feel pretty hungry. He didn’t have any food with him, and he didn’t want to leave the library in case he lost his seat. 

“Are you alright there?”

Peter looked up, and as his eyes met the librarians, his stomach gurgled loudly. He could feel himself turning red.

“Sounds like you’re ready for you lunch” the librarian laughed. “Canteen is on the next floor. I’ll keep an eye on your things for you if you want to go and grab something”

Peter nodded. “Th-thank you”

-

Peter went up to the next level. He checked his wallet. He’d built up quite the stash of unused lunch money over the past couple of weeks. The canteen was quiet, more of a cafe, with little wooden tables and plastic chairs and a dull carpeted floor. He checked the menu at the door. It was cheap, but he’d be damned if it didn’t smell good too. Suddenly he felt hungrier than ever. He was a little nervous walking in, but no one looked at him like he wasn’t supposed to be there. He wasn’t sure what he wanted, and spent quite a while stood biting his thumb and looking over the choices. He wasn’t sure he’d manage a proper cooked meal, so eventually he just decided on a sandwich and a flapjack and a bottle of pop. He stayed in the canteen while he ate, choosing a seat by the window so he could look down on the people far below. 

-

“Shouldn’t you be going home soon?”

Peter looked up. “Huh? Oh. Um. I’m sorry. What time is it?”

“Very nearly half three” the librarian said. 

“Oh! Oh no” Peter stood up quickly. “Thank you! I do need to go, sorry, thank you!”

“Loose track of time, did you?” she shook her head and smiled at him. “I’ll keep that book behind the desk for you, if you like”

“Yes, thank you! I’m sorry, I really must go. I’ll get into trouble if I’m not back by four”

“Of course, of course. Run along now”

“Yes, yes, thank you!”

-

Peter knew four o’ clock was definitely the latest he could get home. He took a wrong turn and ended up a little behind schedule. He got back at five to four, ten minutes later than usual. Loki didn’t seem concerned.

“Hey sweetie. Have you been running?”

“A little bit” Peter said. “Sorry”

“What are you sorry for? Here, do you want a drink?”

Peter nodded. “Please”

Loki guided him to the kitchen, pouring him a glass of his own rose lemonade, a rare treat. Peter smiled happily, and when Loki sat down, he climbed onto his lap and leant against his chest, humming to himself.

“Someone’s feeling good today” Loki nodded. “I take it school wasn’t such a bother to you today?”

“Nope, not at all!” Peter grinned up at him. “Thank you for the lemonade”

“You’re welcome, darling. I thought you deserved a treat, considering your weekend was taken up with you being poorly”

Peter nodded, sipping his drink appreciatively. Loki rested his cheek against the top of Peter’s head, closing his eyes. It was good to see Peter smiling.

-

Tony answered the phone on the first ring.

“Peter? Hey kiddo, what’s up?”

“I just wanted to call you”

“I was going to call you later”

“I know, but I’m gonna have a bath and an early night” Peter said. “I’m kinda tired today”

“Oh, ok. Loki said you were feeling better though?”

“I am. Just tired. How are your meetings going?”

“Ehh” Tony sighed. “I’ll be glad to get home, let’s just put it that way” 

“Surrounded by lots of people who are only pretending to know what they do? And people sucking up to you?”

“Got it in one, kiddo” Tony shook his head. “How was school?”

“Ehh. Not a problem really” Peter said. “It’s a rubbish school. I hate it”

“Peter, please. You’ve got to give it a chance” Tony said. “Did you get given any homework today?”

“No” Peter said, truthfully enough. 

“You can go ahead with that early night then. What did you have for tea?”

“Carbonara. Mr Loki wanted to do something quick” Peter said. “He gave me some of his rose lemonade. Two glasses, actually. And he gave me some when I got home from school too”

“Ahh, he must be in a good mood”

“Mhm. He certainly is now, anyway. He’s been at the rum” Peter yawned.

“Right” Tony wasn’t too happy to hear that. Loki had promised not to drink while he was alone with Peter this week. “Ok sleepyhead, you get off to bed now. I’ll speak to you again tomorrow”

-

Peter went back to the library in the morning. He’d woken up late, and hadn’t had time for breakfast, so he went up to the canteen first and had a large hot chocolate with cream and marshmallows to tide him over until lunchtime. 

The librarian from the day before greeted him when he went down to the general reading section. 

“Hello there. Your seat is free” she said, handing him his book. “Enjoy”

“Thank you” he smiled at her, and went over to the purple armchair. 

He’d brought a couple of bottles of pop with him today, and he kept one beside him while he read. He put the heater on and settled down happily. He could get used to this.

-

He soon did. He set alarms on his phone so he went and had lunch at the same time every day, and left the library at the same time every afternoon. He made friends with the librarian quite quickly. She was called Ms Abbott, but she said he could call her Abby. She saved his books for him, and although she didn’t say, she kept his armchair free for him every morning too. She never questioned why he was there. He was quiet and polite. He looked like a good boy, and the thought he was playing truant never occurred to her. She saw the intelligent look in his eyes when he was absorbed in his reading, and she liked him. Peter liked her too.

-

Peter was lounging on the sofa on Thursday evening when Loki called him into the kitchen. Peter jumped up and went to him. Loki handed him the phone.

“Hello?”

“Hey kiddo! I should be back by Saturday morning. Loki says you’ve been good as gold, so we’ll have to think about what you want to do for a treat”

“Oh! Um, I hadn’t really thought about it” Peter said. “What am I allowed?”

“Oh, anything you want, kiddo. But remember we’ll only have the weekend, so don’t go picking a week away in France or something like that”

“I would never” Peter smiled. “Maybe we can talk about it when you get back? I can’t think of anything right now”

“Sure, we can have a brainstorm. I’m sure we’ll decide on something. Have you seen anything you want? Any clothes, shoes, tech? Anything like that?”

“I don’t  _think_ so. I don’t know. I’ll have a think”

“You’re a good kid” Tony said. “I’ve missed you, you know. I’m looking forward to seeing you”

“Me too. Thank you”

“No problem. I’ll let you get on. Put Loki back on the phone, would you, darling?”

-

Peter hummed to himself as he walked along on his way to the library. He still had a horrible aching loss burning in the pit of his stomach, but he felt like things were starting to get better. He lost himself in the world of books, warm and safe in the library. His appetite had picked up, and he felt much more energetic now he was eating properly again. He had calm days where he didn’t have to think about real life, and he’d spent every evening this week cuddled up watching telly. Loki always joined him, cuddling him close and sharing his special biscuits with him. He’d found himself able to smile, able to talk. He’d still cried a lot, but nowhere near as much as he had the previous weeks. Everything was looking up. 

-

Peter returned home feeling almost at peace with the world. He threw down his bag and changed into a thin pair of joggers and t-shirt before wandering off to the living room and flopping on the sofa. This week seemed to have gone quickly. Tony would be home soon. He couldn’t wait to see him. 

-

Peter fell asleep for a while. It was starting to get dark outside when he woke up. He rubbed his eyes and stretched. He was glad it was Friday. A weekend in sounded like a good idea. 

He could hear the buzz of Loki’s voice coming from the other room. It sounded like he was on the phone. Peter decided he should probably wait a bit before he went and asked what was for tea. 

Soon Loki’s voice stopped, and just as he’d stood up, Loki appeared in front of him, his arms folded over his chest. Peter grinned at him at first, but then he saw the look on his face. His eyes were dark, and his posture said business. He looked different, strict - scary, even. 

“I’ve just got off the phone with your school”

Reality hit like a punch to the stomach. He knew why they’d called. He felt like an idiot: he’d never even once stopped to consider the possibility of the  _school_ phoning and telling them he hadn’t been going. 

“Care to explain why they haven’t seen you since last Thursday?”

His voice was calm, quiet, daunting in its manner. Peter’s heart started thumping. Loki seemed so much taller, bigger, stronger, so much more severe. 

“I-I don’t know what you mean” Peter tried, taking a step back.

“Don’t you  _dare_ lie to me! You’ve been playing truant. There’s no use denying it. How dare you? How  _dare_ you?!”

Peter couldn’t look at him. He looked down, tears filling his eyes - and he noticed that Loki held a slipper in one hand. He felt sick. Again.

“What do you think Tony’s going to think when he finds out about this? How could you ever think you’d get away with it? How could you lie to me, lie to  _us_?”

He was trembling with fury, his voice one level below shouting. Peter couldn’t speak. He could only stand there, terrified, caught out, unable to believe he’d been caught so quickly. 

“ **ANSWER ME!!** ” 

Peter jumped, taking another step back. “I told you I hated that school!”

“That’s no excuse! Now come here” Loki snarled. 

Peter shook his head, tears dripping down his cheeks.

“ **PETER!** ”

Peter flinched. He was so scared, but he knew he didn’t have a choice. He tried to swallow his tears, and took a cautious step towards him, and another. Loki grabbed him by the wrist, sitting down and pulling the boy over his knee. 

“W-w-wait, wait! Wait, Mr Loki, what are you doing?! Let me go! Please don’t!”

Loki raised the slipper and brought it down hard, and Peter shrieked at the impact. Loki was so much stronger than him, and held him down with ease. Peter flinched and cried out with each hit, struggling helplessly. He was scared, he was so scared. Loki had hit him before, but never like this, and never with something other than an open hand, and it  _hurt_ , it really, really hurt. 

“OW! Ow, ow, ow, Mr Loki, please stop! Please! You’re hurting me, it hurts! Stop!”

Loki didn’t. Peter howled, clawing at Loki’s leg and grabbing at the sofa. He could hear the blood flowing in his ears, enhanced by the awkward position. He could feel the pressure behind his eyes. It was all so horrible.

-

Loki landed a few especially hard hits to the back of the boys legs and released him. Peter wasted no time in making his escape, but Loki had anticipated this, and was quick to stand and grab him by the wrist, pulling him back towards him. 

“Now you listen to me, and you listen good-”

Peter sobbed, pushing at Loki’s hand, trying to make him let go. He couldn’t look at him. He hated him. He was holding him so tight he was at risk of cutting off the blood supply.

“- Peter, have you listened to a word I’ve just said?”

Peter just kept crying. He couldn’t hear properly through his cries and the sound of his pulse thudding in his ears. He didn’t want to hear it. Loki grabbed his face in his hand so he was forced to look at him. 

“You just wait till Tony hears about this” he hissed. 

As if on cue, they heard the front door open. Peter knew who it was straight away. Momentarily distracted, Loki’s grip loosened, and Peter pulled free, running out to the hallway. 

“ _DAD!!!_ ”

He jumped down and launched himself at Tony, knocking them both to the floor.

“OW! Peter! Be careful, would you? Peter?” he looked down awkwardly at the boy clinging to his shirt and crying into his chest. “Hey, surely you didn’t miss me that much?”

He was concerned, and a bit confused. Peter had sounded ok while they’d been talking on the phone this week. 

“Don’t ever go away again! Please! Please don’t leave me again!” Peter begged. 

“Hey, that’s enough now” Tony said, not sure how to react to being greeted by such hysterical crying. “Let’s get off the floor, ok? I don’t think you’ve broken anything”

He got them both to their feet and hugged the boy tight. Loki appeared, and Tony smiled when he saw him.

“Hey there” he let go of Peter in favour of going to his husband. 

Loki allowed him a quick hug and a peck on the lips, but moved back quickly. 

“We need to talk about Peter”

Tony looked at Peter, who was stood close by, crying quite uncontrollably into his hands. 

“What about him?”

Loki folded his arms over his chest. “He’s been playing truant”

Peter felt a pang in his chest. He hadn’t expected Loki to really come out with it like that.

“He’s been what?”

“Mhm. He hasn’t been in since last Thursday. The school phoned and told me”

Tony took a moment to let it sink in. He closed his eyes, but didn’t even manage to start counting before turning his attention on Peter and all but exploding at him.

“How  _dare_ you?! What the hell were you thinking? Have you  _any_ idea of the implications of this kind of behaviour-”

Peter felt like he was stuck to the spot. He felt so tiny and outnumbered, his eyes darting between the two adults, one looking at him with dark, angry eyes, the other shouting at him in a way he’d never seen before. He could feel himself panicking. He wanted to run and hide, to get as far away from here as possible. 

“- I’m in half a mind to give you a good thrashing, young man”

“But Mr Loki’s already done that!” Peter burst out, just barely comprehensible through his sobs. 

Tony looked at Loki, who nodded. 

“Right, ok… How could you be such an idiot?!” 

“It’s not such a big deal!” Peter protested. “Most kids skip school”

“You’re not ‘most kids’: you’re you, and you’re going to be ‘you’ for your whole life. I’m not going to let you throw that life away” he was shaking, his fist clenching.

Peter flinched when Tony grabbed him by the shoulder and pushed him in the direction of the staircase.

“You get to your room. We’ll continue this conversation shortly”

Peter could barely see where he was going, and he tripped halfway up the stairs, bashing his shins. He forced himself to go on, stumbling to his room. He couldn’t believe how stupid he’d been.

-

Tony slapped Loki’s hand away hard when he tried to comfort him, following it up with a hit to the chest.

“You were supposed to be looking after him! How did you not notice he was bunking off?!”

“Hold on, you can’t pin this on me! How was I  _supposed_ to know? You didn’t pick up on it either” Loki protested. “He told you about what he’d been learning at school, for fucks sake! He kicked up a fuss about having to go, he left the house at the right time, he got  _back_ at the right time. Heck, he was sat doing homework on Wednesday night”

“Don’t be stupid, how could he have been doing homework?! Did you ever even look at it properly?”

“Why would I? He had his planner out in front of him, and some kind of worksheet. Why would I ever have suspected anything?”

Tony looked at him, breathing heavily. Loki grabbed him by the shoulders, holding him at arms length.

“If I’d known, I would’ve put a stop to it. But I didn’t. You can’t really blame me, can you?”

“…No” Tony sighed, stepping closer and resting his forehead against his chest. “I’m sorry”

Loki rubbed Tony’s arms. “What are you going to do now?”

“I’m going to calm down” Tony mumbled. “And then I’m going to talk to him”

“Do you want me to help?”

“No. You’ve done your bit. I’ll take it from here”

-

Tony closed the bedroom door behind him and approached the bed. Peter was still crying quietly, his head under the pillow.

“Sit up”

Peter did so, even though it hurt to do so. He hugged the pillow against his chest. 

“I am unbelievably disappointed in you” 

Peter stared at the floor, sniffling. 

“You know what you’ve done? You’ve proved you can’t be trusted. Which means” Tony said. “That now we’re going to have to escort you to school ourselves until you can prove you’re trustworthy again”

“You can’t!” Peter protested.

He thought about all the comments everyone would make. No one was taken to school by their parents. They all walked, or got the bus. Ryan and his friends would feel like they’d struck gold if they saw him being taken in. 

“I can, and I will. And when I can’t do it, Loki will” Tony said. “What were you thinking? Why would you do it?”

Peter held the pillow tighter. “I hate school”

“Oh for the love of-” Tony sighed heavily, struggling to stay calm. “Why?  _Why_  do you hate school? What is it, exactly? Is it because it’s different? Is it because you miss your old school? Is it the teachers? Or the other students? What is so bad about it that you thought bunking off was the acceptable thing to do? Or are you just being difficult for the attention? Are you attention seeking, is that it?”

Peter scrubbed his eyes with the back of his hand. He knew it was time to stop lying. He knew he needed to tell Tony to truth. But he just  _couldn’t_. He’d been so looking forward to seeing him, but after the way he’d shouted at him, he wanted nothing to do with him. Tony had told him off before, many times, and he’d raised his voice in the past, but never like that. Not once. He was every bit as scary as Loki down there by the front door. 

“Fine, don’t tell me” Tony spat. “Here’s another one for you: where have you been going during the day?”

Peter swallowed hard. “There’s a little library about fifteen minutes away from here… It’s quiet and they do cheap coffee and you can stay all day if you want to…”

“Right” Tony couldn’t help feeling a little relieved. It was infinitely better than hanging round parks or shopping centres. “And is that the truth?”

Peter nodded. He’d told a lot of lies recently, so he wasn’t surprised that Tony didn’t want to believe him straight away.

“You want to know what scares me? You covered your tracks expertly. If the school hadn’t phoned, we never would have known. How long were you planning on doing this for?”

Peter shrugged. “Forever, I guess”

“You really did your homework on this. Speaking of which. Loki said you were doing homework on Wednesday. Obviously you weren’t, so what was it really? I want the truth”

Peter shifted uncomfortably, still in quite a lot of pain. “I found some worksheets online and printed them off at the library…”

“Why you conniving little-” 

Peter covered his ears with his hands. 

“Oi, don’t you dare!” Tony grabbed his wrists, pulling his hands away. “You’re already in serious trouble: don’t go making it worse”

“What happens now?” 

Tony wasn’t sure. He swallowed hard. 

“Now, you go to sleep”

“But I haven’t had anything to eat”

“Well that’s just too bad” Tony snapped. “I need you to understand just how serious this is. Have you any idea what this kind of behaviour can do to your record? Are you really going to just throw everything away just for a bit of attention? You don’t need to play up like this. You’ve got nothing to gain, and everything to lose”

He had it completely the wrong way round, Peter thought. The thought of going back to school, of being shoved and shouted at and made fun off all day, made him start crying properly all over again.

Tony sighed, resting a hand on Peter’s head for a moment. “You’re not a bad kid, not really. But you’ve certainly made yourself look like a manipulative, untrustworthy, idiotic, and utterly careless child. But, I’m willing to make a deal with you”

Peter looked up, curious more than anything else. 

“I want you to promise me, hand on heart, that you won’t ever do anything like this ever again. I want you to promise that you’ll never play truant again, and that you’ll never go out of your way to try to trick and manipulated me and Loki. This household needs to operate on mutual trust and honesty for this to work properly. Now. Can you promise me all of this?”

After the hellish evening he’d just been through, Peter was willing to agree to just about anything. He choked back his sobs just enough to respond.

“Yes” He nodded. “I promise”

“Ok. Then, just this once, we’ll draw a line under this” he mimed doing so. “But woe betide you if you break your promise”

Peter nodded, taking a very shakey breath. 

“Lie down now” 

Peter did as he was told. Tony went over to the door.

“Mr Stark?”

Tony stopped in the doorway, not turning back. “Yes?”

“I’m sorry”

Tony closed his eyes for a moment. He could feel the boy watching him. He sighed, and nodded.

“Thank you”

And with that, he turned the light out, shut the door, and left him to finish crying himself to sleep in the dark.

*


	6. Dirty Towns

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's back to the old routine, and Peter's luck hasn't changed

-

For the first time in almost two weeks, Peter woke up screaming. Within seconds his bedroom door opened and he then was in Loki’s arms, squeaking and struggling and crying. 

“MAY! May! She didn’t deserve this! She didn’t-”

“Shh, I’ve got you” Loki said, holding the boy tight. “You’re ok. I’m here” 

Peter clung to him, still crying and shouting. Tony’s voice sounded from the doorway.

“Another nightmare?”

Loki nodded, and Tony came over, sitting beside them on the bed. Peter pulled away from Loki and buried himself in Tony’s chest instead. 

“You’re ok. It was just a dream” 

“May! I want May!”

“I know you do. I know” 

Tony held him tighter, and Loki hugged Tony, trapping Peter in the middle of them, and they waited.

-

When Peter calmed down, Loki moved back, and they looked down at the boy.

“Ok?”

Peter made a vague little noise. “This is all your fault…”

“Ok” Tony rubbed his back firmly. “Are you ready to go back to sleep now?” 

“No”

“Right. Well, there’s no use both of us staying up with you. Who do you want?”

Peter held tighter to Tony. Tony nodded, although he was surprised, considering he’d just been given the blame. 

“Ok. Lolly, you can head off now. I’ll stay with the kid”

-

Peter slept the morning away, and went into full clingy-mode on Saturday afternoon, following Tony around the house and latching onto him. 

“Peter” Tony said eventually. “Why don’t you go to the shops with Loki? He’d probably appreciate the help”

Peter didn’t say anything. Tony sighed, carefully detaching the boys hands from his person.

“Go with Loki”

“I don’t want to”

“Tough. Do as you’re told”

“But-”

“Hey” Tony said. “You’re in enough trouble as it is: don’t make it any worse” 

Peter grumbled to himself. Tony sighed.

“Lolly!” he called.

Loki appeared in the doorway. He had his bag and shoes on, ready to go out.

“Peter’s gonna go with you” Tony said. “Help with the bags and stuff”

Loki nodded slightly, looking Peter over. “Fine. Better put some shoes on”

Peter knew there was no point arguing any further.

-

Peter traipsed round after Loki, hands in his pockets. He usually quite enjoyed shopping with Loki, but not today. He was fed up before they’d even left the house. 

“What are you getting today?” Peter had asked before they’d left.

“Just household stuff” Loki had answered. 

Food shopping was always Peter’s favourite, mainly because he got a say in what they had, and could usually sneak a few treats into the trolley without anything being said. But food shopping was Tony’s job, not Loki’s. Loki got everything else they needed in the home, which Peter always found utterly dull - it was hard to get excited about glass cleaner and talcum powder. 

Loki held a bag out to Peter.

“What’s with the face? Tony said you were coming to help”

Peter sighed and took the bag. Loki got his list out, ticking off a few things. Peter narrowed his eyes. It was disheartening to see how long his list was today. It seemed that he was stocking up. 

“Are we gonna be much longer?”

“We’ve only been out three quarters of an hour”

“But I’m  _bored_. I want to go back to the house”

“Tough” Loki said. “Now stop complaining: there’s worse things to be doing”

Peter huffed as they walked into the next shop. 

“Hard not to be bored. There’s nothing exciting about this stuff. I’m leaving” 

“No you’re bloody well not” Loki grabbed hold of him. “Stay here and shut up. You’re already in trouble, so don’t go making it worse”

Peter whined. He was so fed up. Still, if he wasquiet and cooperative, maybe this shopping trip would go by quicker.

-

They returned home what felt like an eternity later. Peter was collared to help put the shopping away, and then he went to his room and flopped on the bed. He didn’t want to do anything else ever again.

-

Monday came much too soon. Peter had known it would happen, but he was still horrified when he was dragged from his bed and forced to get ready for school. He begged Tony not to make him go, and when that didn’t work, he begged him to let him walk alone. Tony wasn’t having any of it. He grabbed the boy by the arm and forced him down the road towards the school. 

“Mr Stark, please! Please let go of me. I’ll go on my own, I’ll stay, I’ll go to school, I promise! I  _promise_ , just please let go!”

“Peter, you’re making a scene” Tony said, staring straight ahead. “I’ll let you go to school on your own when - or if - you prove yourself to be trustworthy again. Until such a time as that, I’ll take you to school”

“You can’t! Please, you don’t understand!”

“What’s there to understand?” he stopped walking, looking down at the boy. “If there’s something you’ve not said, now’s the time to tell me”

Peter turned his head away and kept his mouth shut. 

-

As Peter walked into his form room he really felt like he was going to throw up. He kept his head down, trying hard not to look anyone in the face.

“Oh great, it’s still alive”

Ryan’s voice penetrated Peter’s mind, followed by those horrible laughs he’d grown so used to hearing. He sat down, his bag on his lap, staring at the desk in front of him. Ms Thea didn’t say anything. The only difference his presence made to her was how many ticks she made on the register.

-

Ryan and his gang were relentless. Peter started crying five minutes into first lesson and didn’t stop. The teacher acting as Mr Jacobs replacement wasn’t very good at his job. He was hardly more than a kid himself, a newly qualified teacher more concerned with making friends with his class than actually teaching them. He didn’t push them to work, and spent much of the lesson chatting. He didn’t care about the way the class treated Peter, and he didn’t care about Peter generally. The boy didn’t speak, and the class didn’t like him, so he made no effort to include him either. As such, it meant that the class had no barriers preventing them from tormenting Peter - and Peter had no protection. 

Peter tried to think of better things, happier things. All he could think of was the library, all those hours curled up on the purple armchair, book in hand, the fan heater keeping him comfortably warm. Oh how he longed to be there, losing track of time and having a quiet bite to eat at midday where he’d sit people-watching out of the window. 

-

He had no intention of doing any work, which was just as well, because he couldn’t see anything clearly and his head hurt too much to think. He put his bag on the table and buried his face in it, and he remained like that until the bell went. 

-

“Hey Parker, you haven’t answered any of our questions yet!” Ryan grinned, giving him a push. 

Peter tried to keep on walking, but he was stopped by one of Ryan’s henchmen, a boy called Brian who was build like a brick privy. He wasn’t known for his intelligence, and he followed Ryan’s every word. Peter was forced to stop - there would be no way of getting round him even if the rabble weren’t there.

“Dry your eyes, princess” Ryan said. “Didn’t anyone ever tell you it’s rude not to look at the people who are talking to you?”

Peter sniffed, blinking hard and trying to figure out what to do. There were too many people here.

“Where have you been, crybaby? Just wanted a little holiday? Sick? It was a huge let-down seeing you again this morning”

Peter went to turn around, but Ryan grabbed him. 

“Hey! We’re still talking to you”

Peter shoved his hand away. He opened his mouth to speak, and Brian suddenly stepped forwards and punched him hard in the stomach. Peter doubled up, and Ryan took over, shoving him down and kicking him when he hit the ground. Then he stood back, high-fiving the closest rabble members and joining in with a burst of triumphant laughter. 

Peter pushed himself onto his hands and knees. A part of him wanted to grab Ryan’s ankle and pull him to the ground too, but a big part of him was overcome with a problem greater than the sick dribbling from his mouth and the sweat dripping down his face:- he couldn’t breathe. He really, really couldn’t breathe. His chest and throat were tight, and he was gasping and gasping, faster and faster-

And suddenly he knew what was happening.

He’d felt this before, during that first summer at the Stark’s. Everyone’s laughter and chanting started to sound like he was underwater. He sat back on his heels, covering his face with his hands, shaking and crying, his breathing getting shorter, sharper, faster. He could feel everyone round him and it just made everything so much worse. He couldn’t cope with this on his own. He needed all the laughing and jeering to stop. He needed someone to get him out of here, to get him somewhere safe. He needed to be anywhere, anywhere there wasn’t collapsed on the floor surrounded by people getting a kick out of it. 

“Alright, alright, get outside you lot! You can’t spend your whole break inside”

Peter was vaguely aware of the rabble melting away, and the subsequent near-quiet of the hallway. 

“Hey, you’re ok” the voice was close, as the person had knelt in front of him. “You’re just having a panic attack. Have you had one before?”

Peter nodded, awkwardly because he was still clutching his head, trying to block everything out. This teacher - whoever it was - was at least showing him a sort of kindness, moving him over to the wall so he had something to lean against and attempting to reassure him. Having not witnessed anything like it before, the teacher was unsure how best to react. First Aid at Work qualifications only went so far.

-

Once Peter had settled, the teacher squeezed his shoulder gently.

“Ok?” he nodded. “Go and get yourself a drink, and then run off to class. I’ll write you a note to give to your teacher”

Peter waited for him to write the note, and then went off to his lesson. He didn’t bother getting a drink first.

-

Tear-stained and shaking, he turned up to History. He handed the note over, and as he did so, heard Ryan and a few of the others gasping in an exaggerated way - imitating him. Peter sat down at his desk, slamming his bag down on it and burying his face in it, his hands pressed over his ears. He had to block everyone out if he was going to make it through the day.

-

PE was easy to get out of, since he never brought his kit with him. He sat by the equipment trolley, colouring in every other square in his maths workbook with a pencil, turning the page into a chequerboard. 

-

For the first time since starting there, Peter found the late registrations office occupied during lunch. The teacher there was busy shouting at a couple of noisy first-years, and when she saw Peter watching, she snapped at him to go elsewhere. 

Peter didn’t know where else to go. It was raining heavily today, and the playing field was out of bounds as a result, meaning he ran the risk of bumping into Ryan at any moment. He didn’t know where Ryan and his gang hung out when they were forced to stay inside. He guessed they stayed in the form room. Most people did that anyway. There wasn’t really anywhere else to go, aside from the canteen. Peter didn’t fancy going in there either. 

Peter wandered the corridors aimlessly, purposely steering clear of the form room. The school had a lot of pupils and not a huge amount of extra space, so it seemed overcrowded at the best of times. This lunchtime was no exception, with gaggles of people lounging sporadically in the corridors, spilling out of classrooms, loud rap music playing on their phones. Peter squeezed passed them, going mostly unnoticed, heading up the stairs to the library.

-

Peter’s blood ran cold when he found Ryan’s gang at the top of the stairs outside the library, sat along the radiator, with Ryan himself on an old wooden stool at the edge of the group, closest to the library door. 

“Look what it is!” Ryan grinned, nudging the boy closest to him. “Has it come to give us another show?”

Peter froze for a moment. He knew he should go back down the stairs, find somewhere else, but something told him to continue on into the library. 

“Hey!” Ryan snapped, grabbing hold of him by the arm as he made for the door, yanking him closer towards the group. “What’s the matter? Don’t you want to hang out with us~?” 

The rabble laughed.

“It’ll get all scared again” one of them said, and starting to fake hyperventilate, making a couple of the others copy him.

Ryan put a hand up, and they fell silent. 

“Where were you last week? Sure, we hoped you’d died, but still, it’s been so  _hard_ on us” Ryan said, his bony fingers still tight round Peter’s wrist. “It’s so  _stressful_  here, you know, and we need a way to release that. Without you here, we’ve had all this pent-up frustration. You can  _help_ us, crybaby. You’ve got  _one_ use, I suppose”

He stood up, and Peter yanked his arm back defensively. Ryan huffed, rolling his eyes. 

“Pathetic” he spat, and went to sit back down.

Before he could do so, Peter had hooked his foot round the leg of the stool and twitched it away. He didn’t know why he did it. Ryan landed on the cold floor with a sickening thump, jarring all up his back. He turned white and sweaty from the pain and shock, unable to speak. 

“YOU! I SAW THAT!” It was Mr Hargreeve, head of the English department, rushing towards them. “What the HELL were you thinking?! Of all the stupid, dangerous tricks-!”

Everything turned blurry, with the gang and various staff members rushing about and shouting. Peter could barely understand a word. He couldn’t take his eyes of Ryan, who was trying very hard to recover enough dignity to keep the rabble under him, while playing up to the worried teachers’ attention. But then someone had their hand on Peter’s shoulder, dragging him away from the scene.

-

Everyone stared as he was marched to reception and pushed onto a chair outside the head teachers office. Peter himself barely reacted. He wasn’t sure what had happened. One minute Ryan was sneering in his face, and the next, he was on the floor. He didn’t know what had possessed him to pull his seat out from under him like that. It wasn’t as though it would change anything. At least, not for the better.

-

It was a while before Peter came to his senses, and that was mainly because Ryan was suddenly sat opposite him, a teacher beside him. Peter didn’t have too much time to panic, because very serious sounding footsteps suddenly echoed round the dingy corridor. Peter looked up, and nearly burst into tears. He didn’t think of anything other than the fact that  _Loki_ ,  _his_  Loki, was there, and the sight of someone kind and familiar in a place that had been so horrible was so unexpected and wonderful, no matter the circumstances.

Peter left his bag, running down the corridor with a sense of urgency and banging into Loki. He clung to him, feeling the fabric of his clothing, burying his face in him and breathing him in, that oh-so-familiar smell of smoke and mint and expensive perfume. It was more comforting now than ever.

“Ah, Mr Stark. Thank you for joining us” 

It was the headteacher. Peter had only met him once, but he knew his voice. Peter slowly let go of Loki and stepped back, and it was only then that he realised the gravity of the situation. He looked at Loki, at his highly polished shoes, his painfully smart suit and purple tie, and he knew he’d been interrupted in his volunteering when the school had called him. He saw the look on his face, merely serious and dignified to onlookers, but severe and angry to those who knew him well. Suddenly he knew why his hug hadn’t been returned.

“I’m sorry to drag you away from your work, but needs must” the head continued, offering a hand, which Loki shook firmly.

“It can’t be helped” he said, his voice calm - dangerously calm, Peter thought.

-

Ryan’s family had also been called, and his dad turned up. The four were directed towards the heads office, the boys pushed down into chairs far apart from each other, their father-figures stood behind them. Ryan’s father presented very differently to Loki. He was a labourer, a jack-of-all-trades who did mainly cash-in-hand jobs. He was big, sporting a beer belly. He wore faded blue jeans with torn cuffs, and a dirty white t-shirt. Nevertheless, he offered a pudgy hand to Loki, and smiled at him, raising his eyebrows with a sideways nod towards his son.

“Kids, eh?”

“Indeed” Loki replied, shaking the proffered hand warmly.

The office door opened, and they parted. The head closed the door and went round them, sitting at his desk. He nodded apologetically at the men.

“I’m sorry I’ve had to call you here, but I do feel this matter needs addressing” he said, resting his fingers together. He looked at Peter distastefully. “As you know, bullying will not be tolerated in this school-”

‘ _That’s rich_ ’ Peter thought.

-

Peter kept his head bent and his eyes on the ground as the head recounted Ryan’s version of events, backed up by the head of English’s story. An unprovoked attack, that’s what it was being painted as. 

With the explanations over, and an uncomfortable heavy silence suddenly filling the room, Loki grabbed Peter under the chin, forcing his head up so he had to look at him. 

“What do you have to say for yourself?”

Peter squirmed, but he dare’n’t look away. 

“He’s never said a word in his life” Ryan scoffed, bringing back pronouns now there were adults present. 

Peter could almost have thanked him for that remark, as it made Loki let go of him. 

“As I mentioned, since it’s his first offence, I’m willing to leave his discipline up to you” the head continued. “I’m sure it won’t become a theme”

Loki nodded grimly as the adults began another discussion. Peter looked over at Ryan, who grinned and stuck his tongue out at him triumphantly. Nobody noticed. 

-

Loki placed a hand on Peter’s shoulder. It felt like a warning.

“With your permission, headmaster” he said. “I’d like to take Peter home now”

The head nodded, offering a ‘be my guest’ type gesture. “He won’t miss much this afternoon”

Loki nodded, taking his hand off Peter’s shoulder and stepping closer to Ryan’s dad, offering him a hand.

“I can only apologise that we had to meet under these circumstances”

“Ah, thanks” Ryan’s dad said, shaking his hand clumsily. 

Peter stood up, approaching Loki’s side. Ryan’s dad didn’t seem annoyed at him. Or anything, for that matter.

“Kids stuff” he said. “That’s all it was. It’s this one’s fault, sounding the alarm over somethin’ like that” he smacked Ryan hard about the head. “Don’t be such a poof”

Loki’s lip twitched, but he stayed composed, nodding at the head and Ryan’s dad in turn. 

“Come along, Peter” 

As they left the office, Peter saw the smug, spiteful look on Ryan’s face. He knew what he was thinking. He was thinking exactly the same, and it filled him with dread.

-

Peter didn’t look up once on the journey home. He kept his eyes on his feet as he was taken inside. He was scared. He didn’t know what was going to happen now. He hoped Loki would wait until Tony was home to punish him. He knew Tony would be told, that was unavoidable, but as much as he hated being in trouble with Tony, he hoped he’d be in charge of the situation. Peter didn’t much like Loki when he was angry, and he didn’t want to get reacquainted with his slipper again any time soon. That was another reason he wanted Tony to discipline him: he’d never once hit him, even when he was really furious. So maybe he’d be able to come out of this with nothing more than emotional pain.

-

Peter wasn’t so lucky. Loki had kicked his shoes off, undone his top button, grabbed the boy, and punished him severely. Peter was sent to his room feeling very sore and betrayed and victimised. He tried to console himself with the knowledge that he was missing half a day of school. 

-

Peter woke up to the sound of the front door. He cracked open his bedroom door, listening. Tony was in a good mood, almost singing as he greeted Loki. Peter’s heart starting thumping. Loki would ruin his day if he told him what had happened at school. Peter couldn’t let that happen.

He left his room and rushed to the kitchen. Tony was grinning and trying very hard to kiss Loki, who was trying very hard to get him to listen to him. 

“Hey kiddo” Tony said, noticing him. “Sorry I’m late: I got held up. All with good reason though!”

“Peter, I told you to stay in your room” Loki hissed.

“Oh, leave him alone” Tony said. “Anyway, how did your meeting go?”

“Oh, the first ten minutes were perfectly fine” Loki said. “I’m sure the rest of it was too. I don’t know”

“What do you mean, you don’t know?” Tony smiled. “Fall asleep?”

“I got a phone call from the school”

Tony’s smile faltered. “I’m sorry?”

“It was nothing!” Peter burst out, running over to him. “It was just kids stuff!”

“Be quiet!” Loki snapped. “You’re in enough trouble as it is”

Tony looked between the two of them. “What’s going on here?”

“Don’t tell him! You’re gonna ruin everything!”

“Hey, don’t you talk to my husband like that” Tony said. “What was the phone call about?”

“Our ward is a bully” Loki said.

“Shut up! Shut up, it’s not like that! I can explain!” 

Tony’s smile had disappeared. “Go to your room, Peter. Loki and I need to talk”

Peter promptly burst into tears and did as he was told.

-

Loki told Tony what had happened at the school, and everything the head had told him. Tony listened in silence, and when Loki was finished, he said:

“It’s just not _him_ ”

“He’s not the same person he once was” Loki said. “We can’t let him continue like this” 

Tony leant against the breakfast bar, trying to imagine Peter picking on someone. He couldn’t see it. There had to be a reason for this.

“Have you- have you done anything?”

“I smacked him” Loki said.

Tony nodded slowly, and stood up. “I’m going to talk to him”

-

Tony knocked on Peter’s door and opened it. He closed it behind him. Peter was sat on the edge of the bed, and he looked up. Tony sat down beside him.

“He told you what the teachers said, didn’t he?”

“He did, yes” Tony sighed. “Look, kid, we’ve made allowances for you, obviously, considering everything, but we can’t overlook this, we just  _can’t_. I’m not going to stand by and watch you become a little bully”

“I’m not a bully!”

“Really? Because your school seems to think otherwise. I mean, what were you thinking? Don’t you realise how stupid pulling someone’s chair out is? People can, and have, done themselves damage because of that kind of thing. Why did you do it?”

“He deserved it”

“No, he didn’t. Why would anyone deserve to get hurt, potentially seriously? What makes you think he deserved it?”

Peter gripped his elbows. “I hate him”

“For gods sake Peter, he’s just some kid in your form! What could he possibly have done to make you hate him? Honestly, I think-”

He started off on a very long dad-like rant, something about responsibility and humility and give-the-place-a-chance. Peter didn’t bother listening. 

“-not to mention, by being so silly, you tore Loki away from his group. He wasn’t best pleased about that. You can’t carry on like this-”

Peter stared at the floor.

“-I’m so ashamed of you”

Peter looked at him.

“Ah, so you are listening” Tony sighed. “I know you’re mourning, and so I can understand why you’re always crying and why you don’t eat much and why you’re not interested in doing much stuff right now, but I can’t understand why you’re so hateful towards this school. I purposefully picked a school with a similar Ofsted, a similar - uh, class - so you wouldn’t feel  _too_ out of the loop, but you haven’t once given it a chance. And now you’re picking on your classmates? That’s so unlike you. What happened to looking out for the little guy?”

Peter turned his head away. He thought about the last time he’d worn his Spiderman suit. It was the night before the accident. He hadn’t even considered wearing it since. He’d shoved it to the back of his bottom drawer and hadn’t looked at it. As far as he was concerned, Spiderman didn’t exist any more. What was the point when he hadn’t been able to do anything to save the one person he loved most in the world?

“What is it about this school that’s tearing you up so much? Come on, talk to me. You can tell me anything, you know that”

Peter looked at him. Tony took the boys face in his hands, looking him in the eye. His eyes seemed different, somehow. Tony had looked at them so many times, and he’d always noticed how they shined with intelligence, with childlike eagerness and happiness. They didn’t do that any more: they just looked sad. They were filled with hurt and sorrow.

“Talk to me, kiddo. Don’t shut me out. You said you could explain, so explain. I’m all ears. C’mon, what is it? Teacher you don’t like? Schoolwork you don’t understand? Some kid who always puts his stuff on your side of the desk?” Tony rubbed his cheek with his thumb. “Just tell me. We’ll work it out together. I won’t even tell Loki, I promise. It’s just you and me”

 _It’s just you and me_.

Peter pulled away from him, tears dripping down his cheeks. 

Tony sighed. “Sweetheart. Ok, you don’t have to talk. But I’m still going to talk to you”

Peter’s stomach rumbled painfully.

“When did you last eat? Did you have lunch?”

Peter shook his head. 

Tony sighed, but didn’t push it. “You need to start putting some effort in with this school. As if bunking off wasn’t bad enough, you screw up today by getting nasty? Why? I just-” he paused, swallowing hard, trying to get rid of the tears in his eyes. “I wish I understood you”

Peter sniffed. He wished he could talk to him, but something was stopping him. He looked at Tony and started crying properly, and more tears welled in Tony’s eyes. 

“Come here-” he pulled Peter close, cuddling him and kissing his cheek. “You can’t go on like this. You’re not a bad kid, you’re really not - but you keep acting like you  _are_. Why do you have to keep being bad?? Please just tell me, if there’s anything else going on, just  _tell_  me. I’ll listen, you know I’ll listen to anything and everything you have to tell me”

Peter held onto him. How could he tell him? How could he tell him that he’d been being bullied since his first day, that it was the reason he had skipped school? How could he tell him that he’d had a panic attack at school after being knocked to the floor and kicked while twenty people watched on, laughing at him? How could he possibly tell the man that had taken him in without hesitation, that had promised he’d protect him and look after him, that he was getting hurt despite his best efforts? He couldn’t do that to him. He couldn’t drag Tony into this.

And besides, what good would it do? 

Who would it benefit? 

What would change if he told?

None. No-one. Nothing.

*


	7. Butterfly

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everything feels hopeless. Peter hates school, and can’t bring himself to tell anyone why. He’s struggling to get on with Loki, and he doesn’t want to stay with him. Loki isn't coping anywhere near as well as he's making out

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All comments/reviews appreciated/encouraged!

-

Peter getting into trouble gave Ryan a huge ego boost. He was untouchable (even more than usual), and everyone was undeniably on his side. Peter was subdued and more tearful than usual on Tuesday morning. Ryan smiled to himself. His gang smiled too. Today was going to fly by.

-

Ryan had a great time. He barged into Peter’s desk more than usual, shouted louder during lessons, came up with new jokes and games, all of which delighted the rabble. The five minutes between lessons were perfect for general harassment, but lunchtime was the real star of the show. It was tipping it down, so Ryan’s usual hang-out spot on the field was a no-go. Ryan was quicker than Peter getting out of class, closely followed by his henchmen and the eager rabble. He’d been talking loudly about how he was going to ‘play’ with Peter at lunch, relishing in the way Peter’s hands clenched into fists when he said it. 

“Hey crybaby, where are you going?” he grabbed hold of him at the top of the stairs. “Oooh, struggling again! What, you want me to let go? What do you think, guys?”

There was a general overlap of voices, offering no real suggestions. Ryan nodded as though he was considering the options. He stepped forwards, making Peter take a couple of steps back, and startle, as he was inches from stepping on thin air, balanced at the top of the stairs. Ryan grabbed him by the collar, pulling him close.

“What? You want me to let go, is that it?” he looked into Peter’s dark eyes with his own bright blue ones. 

Peter stopped struggling, cautious of falling. Ryan grinned. He imagined he could smell his fear - not that fear had a smell, and if it did, it probably wouldn’t be mint and cinnamon and sawdust. 

“Fine, if that’s what you want-”

He shoved him hard in the chest as he released him. A glorious slow-motion followed as Peter plummeted downwards with an audible gasp of horror, hitting the stairs hard on his side before falling further and ending up on his front as he hit a stop just over halfway down the staircase. 

Uproarious laughter went up behind him, and Ryan closed his eyes, just for a second, listening to his applause. He looked down at Peter, who was struggling onto his hands and knees, his backpack strap hanging halfway down his arm. He was shaking and clutching himself with one hand, supporting himself with the other.

Ryan huffed. He walked down the stairs, grabbing Peter by the arm and hauling him upright. He felt his weight shift as he half-fell against the wall, still trembling. He looked at Ryan, defensive, cautious, and a single tear fell from his eye. Ryan grinned - and startled at a sudden voice.

“What’s going on here?!” a teacher had appeared, and looked at the group disapprovingly.

Ryan smiled sweetly. “Peter fell down. I’m just helping him up”

“I see. Be more careful” the teacher continued on up the stairs, through the rabble, sighing and muttering about ‘gaggles of teenagers’. 

Ryan watched him go, and once he was certain he was gone, he looked at Peter again.

“Why don’t you send me a postcard this time?” he said, and pushed him again.

Peter somehow managed to save himself, catching himself by way of the wall at the bottom of the stairs - but only just. 

‘ _Well, I can’t have that_ ’ Ryan thought. 

He bounded down the stairs, knocking Peter’s legs out from under him, kicking him hard in the stomach and side once he hit the floor.

Ryan looked down at his cowering classmate, and ran his fingers through his fringe, wet with sweat. This was thirsty work. He was ready for lunch. Maybe he’d have two cans of Appletiser today. 

“See you later, princess~” he said coolly, and continued on towards the canteen.

The rabble followed. Most left Peter where he lay, but a few made sure to kick him as they passed. Many of them were trembling with the adrenaline. How exciting school could be with Ryan about.

-

The stairwell fell quiet. 

Very slowly, Peter sat up, leaning against the wall. Everything hurt, his stomach especially. He pulled up his shirt, inspecting the damage to his hip, which was very scraped from falling onto the rough stairs, and was bleeding a bit. He heard his phone buzz, and fumbled for it in his bag. He opened the text.

_Ned: When are you coming back to school? No rush, just want to see you again_

Peter read the message a few times over, and a loud, shakey breath escaped him as he started sobbing. He drew his legs up to his chest, crossed his arms over his knees, and buried his face, clutching his phone in his hand.

What had he done to deserve this? He wanted to see Ned - and he felt bad, because he hadn’t replied to any of his messages. He wanted to go back to his old school. Sure, he’d been picked on a bit there, but nothing like this. An infantile nickname was nothing compared to being ruthlessly taunted and kicked. It wasn’t fair and it wasn’t right. He knew the teachers must know, but they simply didn’t care. No one was going to protect him here. 

Week four of this school. 

He still hadn’t said a word to anyone.

-

Peter was accosted by Ryan and his gang again after school. Peter had usually ran out of school and not stopped until he was way down the road, but he was hurting too much to run today, and they got to him first.

“What, no rushing off today? No running? Did your trips tire you out?”

Peter tried to push through, but he was quickly stopped. He sighed, standing weakly where he was. 

“Don’t you  _want_ to go home? What’s the matter?” Ryan pouted at him. “Poor crybaby, did daddy tell you off for being so horrible to me yesterday?”

Peter’s heart skipped a beat. He wasn’t defending himself, but if Ryan said anything bad about Loki, he wouldn’t hesitate to knock him out, even feeling as fragile as he did. 

“Aww, you guys didn’t  _see_ its dad!” Ryan said, looking round the rabble. “Proper suit and everything. How come you’re so thick then, crybaby, if daddy is a businessman?”

Peter narrowed his eyes for a second. There was no good way to answer that even if he  _was_ going to say anything. 

“So what happened, crybaby? Did daddy take you home and tell you off? Did mummy get upset too? Is that why you don’t want to go home?”

Peter didn’t respond. Again, even if he was in the habit of talking outside the house, what business of Ryan’s was it? He didn’t need to know that Peter’s parents had died years ago, or that Loki was his guardian, not his father, or that he had another male guardian at home. Somehow he didn’t think these kids would take kindly to finding out Peter had male guardians that were married to each other. 

“Hey, what are you doing?” Ryan said, looking at Peter’s white face and the way he was standing quite lopsidedly. “You look weird”

Peter was suddenly on the floor. Ryan and his gang stood back in shock. They looked at each other, and it wasn’t until they fled and Peter opened his eyes to find himself alone that he realised it wasn’t their doing. He must have fainted. 

-

Tony rushed at Peter when he got home.

“Where have you been?! You’re more than half an hour late home! Are you ok?!” he grabbed the boy by the shoulders, looking him over. “You’re shaking!”

Peter nodded, breathing heavily. 

“You don’t look too well. Lets get you a snack, and then I think you should lie down for a bit”

Peter let Tony fuss over him, making him something to eat. Peter knew he should eat, but he didn’t really want to, and his hand was shaking too much to hold the spoon anyway.

“Oh sweetheart” Tony said sadly, noticing this. “I hope you’re not coming down with anything nasty- Hey Loki, where’s the thermometer?”

“Good evening to you too” Loki mumbled, putting his bag of shopping down on the table and hanging up his keys. “Why do you need the thermometer?”

“I don’t think Peter’s very well”

Loki looked at Peter. “He hasn’t eaten for three days. Get that bowl of whatever down him and he’ll be fine”

“He had breakfast this morning: I watched him eat it” Tony said. He bit his thumb, looking at Peter. “He’s shaking so much…”

Loki sighed, looking at him like he was hopeless. “Feed him, then. He’ll faint again if you don’t”

“Again?”

“What? Yes, again. When did you faint, Peter? Was it at school?”

“After school…”

“What?! Peter! Why didn’t you  _tell_ me?” 

Peter merely shrugged.

-

For the millionth time, Peter wondered if he could explain exactly what the body felt like when he cried, or immediately before and after doing so. That weird, full-but-hollow feeling, the same wobbly feeling in his legs, the tight feeling in his jaw, the way the feeling of tears filling his eyes seemed to start at his cheekbones. It was something so real, so intense, yet so hard to describe. 

Maybe that was why, even now, with his head in Tony’s lap and the mans hand tangled in his hair, that he didn’t bother trying to explain. Speaking was too hard. He supposed another option was to write it down, but words were difficult, and he wouldn’t know what to put. And he supposed, again, that he could just take off his shirt. He could always just  _show_ him - but just thinking it made him feel ill.

“I don’t feel so good”

“You’re very pale. You were all wobbly earlier too. Maybe you  _are_ getting ill…”

Loki glanced at them over the top of his newspaper. “He’s faking it”

Tony looked up. “What?”

“He’s just trying to pull a sickie so he doesn’t have to go to school tomorrow” Loki said, returning to his paper. 

Tony didn’t want to believe him, but it sounded plausible. He sighed. 

“You’ve still got to go to school, kiddo” 

-

Peter was furious with Loki. How dare he interfere? When Tony stepped out to take a call, Peter confronted him.

“What?” Loki said, lowering his newspaper. 

“Why can’t you just let me be happy?”

Loki blinked at him. “I have no idea what you’re talking about”

“Don’t play dumb!! So what if I miss one day of school? I missed half a day yesterday because of you”

“That’s different. Besides, you had a whole week off last week”

“That’s different!” Peter snapped indignantly. “Why do you have to interfere all the time?! This is nothing to do with you! It’s not like you’re my dad!!”

Loki laughed, going back to his paper. Peter felt like he was going to explode. He snatched the newspaper, throwing it aside. 

“Listen to me!”

Loki sighed, folding his arms over his chest. 

“I’m listening”

Peter swallowed hard. “You stay out of my business! I don’t want nothing to do with you!” he shook his head, correcting himself. “Anything! I don’t want anything to do with you! I hate you. I wish it was just me and Mr Stark. We’d be better off without you!”

He was shaking, trying to choke out another comment.

“Are you finished?” 

“No! No, I’m not finished!” 

“Well then, please continue” Loki said, amused by his outburst. 

Peter didn’t know what to say. He stared at Loki incredulously, not knowing why he wasn’t retaliating - and hating that he wasn’t. It made him feel so foolish, so irrational. He hated the complete calm the man was displaying. 

“W-wh-why are you just  _sitting there_?! I’m talking to you! You’re not even  _listening_ to me-!”

He lashed out, going to punch him. Loki was much faster. He stood and grabbed Peter by the wrist, spinning him round and slamming him down on the coffee table, pining him there.

That wasn’t the reaction Peter had been expecting. He wasn’t quite so angry any more, but he was certainly scared, shaking all over. Loki’s face was mere inches from his own, so he had no choice but to look into his eyes. The rest of him still seemed horribly calm, but his eyes were flickering with anger.

“What was it you were saying, sweetie?”

Peter wasn’t sure if it was a trick question or not. He tried to struggle away, but Loki had him pinned so tightly he could barely move an inch, and he couldn’t pull his hand free from his grasp either.

“Nothing!” Peter gasped. “Nothing, I’m sorry, nothing!

Loki released him. He retrieved his newspaper, sat down on the sofa, and begun to read again, as though nothing had happened. 

Peter pushed himself up from the coffee table. He looked at Loki warily, unsure of what to do next. He didn’t want to stay in here, not with Loki. He needed to get away.

-

Peter collapsed against the side of a building, clutching the stitch in his side. He didn’t know how long he’d been running for. Not long enough. He looked up at the sky, thinking. He needed to go somewhere happy. Happiness sounded like such a foreign concept. Just as he thought it, he knew exactly where he could go. He knew exactly where he should go, somewhere that had kept a smile on his face for weeks, somewhere he loved, somewhere far away.

He felt in his pocket, checking he had his wallet, and hailed a cab. 

“Where to, kid?”

“The airport, please”

-

It was a relief to be able to sit down. He felt exhausted. He was on-edge, even though he imagined it would be hours until they noticed he’d gone. Initially, he’d just gone to his room and sat on the bed, crying. But then he’d been struck with an idea, and he’d climbed out of the window. Maybe they wouldn’t care when they found out. Loki didn’t seem to like him much any more, and Tony was struggling to adjust. Maybe he was doing them a favour.

-

Peter swallowed hard as he looked up at the enormous entrance, squeezing the strap of his backpack nervously. He knew you could buy flight tickets at the counter. He also knew it was more expensive than booking in advance, but he had a healthy enough bank account, thanks to the Starks. Besides, he’d only be getting a one-way ticket, so he was certain he’d be able to afford it. 

He took his bag off his back, opening it and checking through what he had in there, a wave of relief washing over him as he confirmed his passport was there. Some part of his subconscious must have known he’d be going away when he’d grabbed this bag. He zipped it up and put it back on his shoulder. He took a very deep breath and stepped inside.

-

It was bright inside, and relatively empty looking, with people coming and immediately disappearing through various doors. Everyone seemed to know exactly where they were going. Peter stood around looking lost for a while. He wandered about and found the departure board. He looked at it, reading every flight, every destination, every time. He couldn’t seem to see any going to Manchester, but there was one going to Heathrow. He knew trains were expensive, but he imagined he’d be able to get a ticket to Manchester after landing in London. Or maybe even straight to the Lake District. He wasn’t sure where their nearest train station was. He’d been in the car for that holiday, so he hadn’t really needed to know anything.

He sat down on a nearby bench and got out his phone. It took the better part of an hour to work it out properly. It looked like the best option would be getting a train from the airport to London Euston, and then get a ticket from there to Penrith, and then use the buses from there on out. A child single on the train was £53. He couldn’t find anything about bus prices, but he didn’t suppose it mattered: it couldn’t be too expensive.

-

Peter lingered for quite a while, trying to work out what to say. Would it be the same as getting the bus or train? ‘Hi, can I get a single to London?’. Or would that be too casual? He tried to think clearly. He needed to make it look like he knew exactly what he was doing. If someone asked him if he had anyone with him, he’d already decided he’d say he was meeting someone as soon as he got to London. 

‘Hello, I’m looking to get a one-way flight to London Heathrow’. 

That sounded about right. He cleared his throat and headed towards the right counter. The flight wouldn’t be boarding for a few hours yet. He had plenty of time. 

-

Peter squeaked when he felt a hand on his shoulder. He spun round, looking cautiously at the security guard.

“Come with us please” 

Peter took a step back. “Why? What have I done?”

“There’s someone here for you” the guard said, putting a hand back on his shoulder and walking him back towards the entrance.

“W-w-wait! Wait, you’ve got the wrong person, sir! There can’t be anyone here for me: I never called anyone!”

“Unless you’ve got an identical twin running around, I’m pretty certain it’s you they’re after”

Peter couldn’t speak. What was going on? Everyone was turning to stare at him as he was walked away. He looked behind him, seeing the counters disappear. Whatever this mistake was, he hoped it was sorted quickly: he had a flight to catch. 

-

Peter felt sick when he saw who was waiting for him.

“Peter!!”

Peter froze, and Tony gathered him up in his arms, squeezing him tight.

“What are you  _doing_ here?!” he held him at arms length. “You can’t just run off like that! What were you thinking?!” 

He didn’t sound angry, Peter noticed: he sounded scared. 

“Oh, but thank god you’re ok” he pulled him close again, holding him as though he’d vanish if he let go. 

Peter squirmed helplessly. He had a flight to catch. He didn’t want to be dragged back to the house. He caught sight of Loki over Tony’s shoulder. He didn’t look at all worried. He looked absolutely furious. 

“Let go! I’ve got somewhere to be! I need to get that flight!”

Tony held him at arms length again. “What are you talking about? Don’t be silly, Peter: you haven’t got anywhere to be that requires an aeroplane”

“But-”

Loki grabbed Peter’s arm. “No arguments, please” 

His voice may have sounded kind, but Peter didn’t believe his intentions were. He burst into tears, knowing there was no way he could get on that plane now. He hoped against all hope that they’d put it down as ‘kids stuff’ and just forget about it.

-

After Tony had profusely thanked the guard, Peter was taken to the car, with Loki’s hand still tight on his arm to stop him from running. 

Loki didn’t say anything, or even look at him on the journey. Tony said plenty, mainly about how scared he’d been and how silly Peter was and that he must Never Do Anything Like This Ever Again. He was concentrating on the road, holding the steering wheel so tight that his knuckles were white. Peter covered his face with his hands. He really felt like an idiot now.

-

Much to Peter’s surprise, Thor was in the kitchen waiting for them when they got back. Peter was too concerned with the unkind hand on his arm to be pleased to see him.

“You found him then” Thor looked at Peter. “Where did you get to?”

Peter didn’t reply. 

“I’ll tell you in a minute” Tony said, hugging Peter hard and kissing his cheek. He stepped back. “Loki, darling, take him to bed, would you?”

Peter let out a quiet gasp. “What?”

“It’s late, sweetheart. You need to go to bed or you’ll never get up for school”

Peter tried once again to pull free from Loki’s cruel grip. “I can go on my own”

“Let Loki take you. Please, Peter, just do as you’re asked”

“NO!” Peter pushed at Loki’s hand. “Get  _off_ me! Mr Stark, make him let go!”

Tony took Peter’s face in his hands, resting their foreheads together. Peter whimpered, still pushing at Loki’s hand weakly.

“You have no idea how scared I was when I realised you’d run away. Anything could have happened to you. Thank god you took your phone. I don’t know if I would have found you otherwise” he moved back, moving his hands down to the boys shoulders. “What were you thinking? Why the airport?”

“I just want to be happy again. Remember how much we enjoyed the Lakes? And seeing the seals and all that other stuff we did?” Peter snuffled. “I remember being so happy. So I thought, if I went back…”

Tony’s heart all but broke. “You thought if you went back to England, you’d be happy again”

Peter nodded, breathing a deep, shaking breath. Tony felt Loki’s reassuring hand on his shoulder. He looked at him, standing straight. Loki squeezed his shoulder and offered him a slight smile, an everything-is-going-to-be-ok type smile. Tony let go of Peter, instead giving Loki a quick hug and grateful kiss. He stepped back, touching Peter’s face gently.

“See you in the morning, kiddo” 

Loki took this as the cue to take Peter to his room. Tony turned his back, facing Thor. Their eyes met. Tony’s face crumpled, and he fell into Thor’s outstretched arms.

-

Peter rubbed his arm. Loki’s grip had been like a vice, and he had pins and needles now. 

“Right, let’s get this over with” Loki said, pushing the door closed. “Thank you for ruining my evening, again”

Peter ignored that comment. “Get what over with? I don’t need you to put me to bed: you can go now” 

“Come here”

Peter looked at him cautiously. Loki growled, grabbing the boy by the wrist.

“H-hey, what are you doing?!”

“What do you  _think_ I’m doing?”

Peter pulled free, worried now. “Fuck off!”

Loki slapped him hard round the face. “How dare you swear at me?”

He used Peter’s moment of surprise to grab hold of him again. Peter shrieked and struggled and squirmed, somehow managing to twist free - just for a moment. Loki caught him round the chest. Peter shrieked louder, kicking and hitting out as best he could. 

“Would you,  _please_ , just give it a rest!” Loki snapped, struggling with the wiggling creature. “You’re a nightmare, has anyone ever told you that? An absolute nightmare. I’m sick to death of you!” 

“Leave me alone then!” Peter cried.

“What, you think you can sneak out and run away like that, scare Tony in the process, and just get away with it? Not while I’ve got any say in it!” 

Peter let his legs give out, and fell to the floor, struggling to his feet and backing away from Loki, who grabbed him by the wrists, crushing his victory. Peter cried harder, trying as hard as he could to pull free. He was scared.

Loki seemed so calm on the outside, so in control. Peter tried not to look at his eyes. Loki wasn’t so composed as he was pretending to be: Peter noticed he was trembling. He wasn’t sure if it was out of anger or some other emotion. Peter hated this side of Loki. Whenever Loki got angry - properly angry, not just annoyed or stroppy - it always filled Peter with overwhelming terror. Even before the accident, looking Loki in the face when he was angry like this was enough to reduce him to tears. The fear now was incredible. It was like he turned into a completely different person. Peter looked at him, and he didn’t see his Loki, the man who soothed his nightmares and tended his wounds and took him to art galleries and created weird and wonderful mocktails for him: - he saw someone else entirely, someone he didn’t know. 

“No, no no, no, no, nonono-” Peter begged through his tears, grabbing the mans wrist and trying to push him off. 

Peter screamed and begged helplessly, and was suddenly grabbed by the collar, startling him into silence. His thoughts were instantly thrown to the incident on the stairs earlier that day (although it felt like weeks ago now). He was forced to look into those eyes.

“May would be ashamed of you”

The room turned cold. Peter stared at nothing, the words playing over in his mind. ‘ _May would be ashamed of you_ ’. And he absolutely lost it. He lost all his fight, and Loki had no problem restraining him now. His subsequent assault on the back of the boys legs was nothing in comparison to the thought that what he had said could be true.

Peter howled. He didn’t want to believe it, but then, he’d been so bad recently… Would May really be ashamed? Ashamed of  _him_? 

He choked on his sobs as a memory came flooding back.

-

_May waved the report, as though fanning herself, a smile tugging at the corner of her mouth._

_“What?” Peter said, looking at her with bright, curious eyes as he set his schoolbag down on the table.  
_

_“Don’t joke with me: I know full well you read this before I did”  
_

_Peter shrugged slightly. “Maybe~”_

_He ambled over to her, and she put an arm round him, pulling him into a hug. She looked at the cover of the report fondly, and set it down on a nearby surface so she could hug Peter properly._

_“You’ll go far, you know” she said. “Just keep working hard”  
_

_“I think it’s just luck” Peter said modestly.  
_

_“It’s all you” May smiled, giving him a squeeze. “I’m proud of you”  
_

_-_

Loki stood up, leaving the hysterical child on the bed. 

“Please, Mr Loki!” Peter howled. “It can’t be true! Please say it isn’t true!”

Loki paused in the doorway. He looked back over his shoulder for a moment, and left without a word, turning the light off and closing the door behind him.

-

Loki sighed to himself as he entered the kitchen. It was refreshingly quiet in this part of the house. Tony and Thor were sat together at the breakfast bar, both holding mugs and looking troubled. 

“Hey” Loki said gently, standing beside Tony and rubbing his back. 

“Hey…” Tony took Loki’s free hand, holding it to his mouth. “How is he?”

Loki made a face. “He needs some alone time”

“How are you bearing up, brother?” Thor asked. “I know what today was. You must have been thinking about the accident all day”

Loki ignored him. “I need a drink”

While the kettle was boiling, Loki leant against the counter, looking at the calendar. Border Collie puppies this month. Peter had chose the puppy calendar, because Loki and Tony had driven him half-mad arguing over what calendar they wanted for the kitchen. They’d sat down together and filled out all the dates they already knew, updating as necessary. Loki looked at the Peter Rabbit stickers on every Wednesday and every other Saturday and Sunday. As far as their calendar was concerned, that little arrangement was still present fact, not past history. Loki looked at this week. There was a sticker on today’s date too, and, written in gold writing; ‘Loki + May La Boheme’. 

Loki read those four words a few times over. Tony had gifted the tickets to May for lending Peter to him, and May had insisted Loki go with her. (“You love a bit of drama”). Loki had agreed, and they’d sat at the flat researching the production, which was being screened in cinemas all over the globe. They’d quickly grown excited as they’d read into it, and they made plans: give Peter to Tony, find a nice restaurant for a fancy meal, see the opera, and then go for drinks afterwards. It was an Event, and they were both eager to go completely overboard on it. They were excited. May kept the tickets in the top drawer of her dresser, the drawer with the lock, so there was no risk of someone (probably herself) spilling coffee on them.

-

Loki had been skeptical about meeting May, even going so far as to suggest he went to the pub on the day Peter left them after that summer he’d stayed with them. Tony wouldn’t let him, and Peter hadn’t liked the idea either. He’d grown so fond of Loki himself, and was desperate for May to meet him.

“Sorry the kid fell in love with you” May had said as she shook hands with Loki, and Loki had laughed. 

May was kind, but firm, blunt, and she didn’t let anyone walk over her. Loki liked her straight away. She reminded him of Pepper at first, both of them being strong-headed and clever, but May quickly came into her own. Tony had told Loki, to calm his nerves about meeting her; “She’s hot, calm down”. When he first saw her, he wasn’t convinced. She had just seemed average to him. But, as they got to know each other, she started to become beautiful. 

Loki loved May. They became close in a relatively short space of time, and since Peter was with him and Tony a lot, they saw each other often. Tony and Peter were both relieved. Oftentimes, the Parker’s would come over to the house, and Tony and Peter would go down to the lab, and May and Loki would do whatever they wanted to do, and they’d join up again at the end of the night, perfectly content with each other’s company.

May became very special to Loki, in the same way that Pepper had. She was a good friend, a close friend, and she made him laugh. That was important. She was funny, and she could give as good as she got. She was a lot of fun. She liked Loki too, lots. She liked the way he was with Peter. She liked how down to Earth he was, considering he was A) a god, and B), in a relationship with a billionaire. And she thought him handsome, in an ethereal way, with his sharp cheekbones and the mysterious look in his eyes that only seemed to vanish when he was deep in conversation. 

For a while they’d been mesmerised by each other. Their worlds were so different, their lives near-opposites - and yet they understood each other so well. They found that, especially after a few drinks, they could talk about anything and everything with each other. They could do anything when they were drunk, looking at each other with slightly blurred edges to their vision. There was something safe about being alone together, both under the influence, both willing to listen, and to speak, non-judgemental, non-critical, wanting the best for each other. 

Loki noticed the kettle was nearly finished boiling, and took down his mug and tea from his cupboard. It felt like such effort, when he was thinking so deeply about other things.

May  _was_ safe. She never made him feel like he was dangerous, or that he didn’t belong. And maybe that’s why they’d ended up knowing what each other’s lips tasted like. 

-

Loki set the kettle back on its stand and got out the milk, staring down into his mug as it brewed. He felt weird, like there was somewhere he needed to be, like he should be somewhere else. And he should, truth be told - if the world were fair. Today had been on the books for so long that it felt like a national holiday. Tonight was supposed to be fancy-acting quality time with May, to begin being mistaken for a couple, and to end in a drunken heap on the chaise lounge at the back of his favourite cocktail joint. It was  _not_ supposed to start with an argument, continue into a trip to the airport to pick up a runaway, and end with said runaway screaming like a banshee. 

Thor rested a hand on his brothers back. The tears spilling from the smaller mans eyes hadn’t gone unnoticed. 

“Loki?”

Loki finished making his drink, and went to put the milk back. He took his mug to the back room, and Tony and Thor followed and sat on either side of him.

-

With his mug empty, Loki finally allowed himself a weakness, and leant against Thor, his head on his chest so he could hear his heartbeat. 

“You’re allowed to miss her”

And he did.

*


	8. It's Not What It Used To Be

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tony is struggling, and the postman causes further problems

-

Peter stopped dead on the corner of the street over the road from the school.

“Peter? What’s up, kiddo?”

Peter slowly turned his head, looking up at him. “I can’t do this”

Tony sighed, giving the boys shoulder a squeeze. “Yes you can. Just three more school days, and it’ll be the weekend. You’ll be fine”

“I’m scared”

Tony looked at him, surprised. “Scared? What are you scared of?” 

Peter swallowed, looked away, and looked back. “I want to go home”

“You’re here now. Go on. You’ll be fine once you’re in class with something to focus on” 

Peter looked over at the horrible building. “Please let me come home”

Tony took his shoulders so he had to look at him. “Ok darling, I get it. You’re upset, even more upset than usual. You thought you’d be in England by now, didn’t you?”

Peter had to admit it was true. 

“But you’re not in England. You’re here, in New York. Standing over the road from your school. You’ve got to put on a brave face, kiddo. Your education is important. Come on now” he let go of Peter. “Don’t stare at the floor like that. Chin up. Stiff upper lip”

Peter lifted his head. Tony smiled and chucked him under the chin.

“That’s better” he nodded in the direction of the school. “Go on. Meet up with your little friends, do your work, make me proud. I’ll see you this evening. Have a good day”

Peter looked at him with tearful eyes. Tony’s words didn’t hold their usual conviction. 

“Go on. You’ll be late”

Peter hugged him, and promptly started crying. Tony pretended he hadn’t noticed. He stepped back, turned the boy round, and gave him a gentle push.

“Go. I’ll see you later”

He waited until Peter had disappeared through the school gates before heading for home. He swallowed hard to get rid of the tears in his eyes. A huge part of him wanted to give in and take Peter and tuck him up somewhere safe. It was just a shame that common sense and responsibility had to take precedence. He stopped against a wall, watching the people go by: businessmen on their way to work, teens on their way to school, little kids being dragged to nursery by their parents. Tony watched one family, a mother with three children, all under five. The mother didn’t look stressed. She walked along easily, pushing the buggy with one hand, holding her eldest child’s hand with the other. She was smiling to herself. Tony thought she was either utterly mad, or just a lot stronger than he was. He didn’t understand how she did it. There had never been any doubt in Tony’s mind that he’d take Peter in if anything happened, and now that it had, he saw a new challenge arise every day. Acting parent full-time was the most exhausting thing he’d ever done. It got harder every day, and he didn’t know if it would ever get better. He just had to hope it would.

-

Peter grabbed hold of the banister, hauling himself upright. He looked down at the little pool of blood on the dirty floor. He couldn’t do this, day in, day out, for the rest of time. He didn’t care about the consequences of skipping school. He wasn’t going to hang about and let himself be ambushed a second time. 

Peter’s first thought was to run to Thor. He’d treat him kindly and wouldn’t make him go back to school. But, he’d undoubtedly ring Tony if he turned up when he was supposed to be at school, and he didn’t much want to be found out. There was only one other place he could go.

-

Peter very nearly banged into someone just inside the entrance. The someone turned round - and gasped. 

“It’s you!” It was Abby, the librarian he’d got to know while he was skipping school. “Good heavens, what happened?” 

Peter started crying. He knew he must look a sight, what with the blood still flowing down his face and his ripped jeans and now the tears in his eyes, but he didn’t know what else to do. Abby didn’t seem put off.

“You come with me, you poor thing. Did you take a tumble? Lets get you seen to”

She put an arm round him and guided him up to general reading, through the door behind the desk, which lead to a type of staff room, with lots of big chairs, and a little kitchenette at one end. Abby sat him down at a little round table while she filled a bowl with warm water and found a clean cloth.

“My goodness!” Another librarian exclaimed. “Someone’s been in the wars!”

She took the first aid kit down from the top shelf and set it on the table for Abby before tactfully leaving the room.

“Ok honey, let’s see you. Now, this may hurt”

She carefully bathed his bloodied face, being as gentle as possible. It still hurt, but Peter didn’t complain. 

“Your poor nose is still bleeding a bit” She said, handing him a paper towel to hold against it while she started on his knees. His jeans were so badly torn that she imagined they’d be beyond repair. It did, at least, grant her good access to the dirty cuts. “What happened, sweetheart?”

“I fell down the stairs” Peter said, truthfully enough. 

“What did you do that for?” she smiled at him.

Peter shrugged. “Just to detract from the monotony, I suppose”

Abby laughed. “Are you hurt anywhere else? Here, show me your hands”

Peter checked his nose had stopped bleeding, and then did as he was asked. His palms were grazed and dirty.

“Well, they don’t look too bad. Still, we’ll give them a little clean”

-

Peter found himself quite enjoying the fuss. Abby was gentle, and he liked her. She patched him up well, made him a hot drink, and even found a mirror to show him that it had looked a lot worse than it really was.

“Now, sweetheart, would you like me to call your parents?”

Peter froze. He suddenly remembered his jeans, and groaned. “They’re gonna be so cross”

“I’m sure they’ll understand. You’re not the person to ruin a pair of jeans. Why, when my Jim was a boy, he got through so many pairs of trousers that I ended up banning them”

Peter looked at her. “You-you banned trousers?”

“Long trousers, anyway! It was always the knees. So one day I just put my foot down and put him in shorts. He never minded, really, for all the complaining. It saved me a lot of money, that”

Peter smiled slightly. “I’m sorry, have you got the time? I’ll get into trouble if I’m late home”

Abby checked her watch. “It’s just gone half three”

“Oh no! Are you sure?! How’s it gotten so late already?!” 

Abby stood up, handing Peter his bag. “Go slow with them knees, little one. God speed”

Peter put his bag on his shoulders, and hugged Abby tight. “Thank you. Thank you for looking after me. You didn’t have to do that”

“But I did. Off you go then. See you again - hopefully under better circumstances!”

-

Loki was busy sorting out Tony’s very disorganised shoe rack by the front door when Peter arrived home.

“What on Earth have you done to your jeans?!” he demanded, looking at the gaping holes. He sighed, shaking his head and turning back to what he was doing. “Boys will be boys, I suppose”

Peter swallowed. “Is dad home?”

“Not yet. Six, he said” 

Peter nodded and made his way upstairs to his room to get changed. He was dreadfully tired all of a sudden. He flopped down on the bed and closed his eyes. ‘Just five minutes’ he thought.

-

Peter whined and opened his eyes. 

“Stop shakin’ me!”

“Wake up then” Tony said. 

“Why?”

“What do you mean, why?” Tony said, pulling back the curtains so that daylight filled the room. “School”

Peter looked at him. “I only just got back!”

“Only just last night” Tony said, making the boy sit up. “Check your phone. What day does it say?”

Peter picked up his phone. Thursday. That couldn’t be right. He looked at Tony for clarification.

“You’ve been dead to the world since before I got back last night. We tried to wake you but you weren’t having it. Go and have a shower and I’ll sort you breakfast”

“I don’t get it” Peter said. How had he lost more than twelve hours of his life without realising it?

Tony shrugged. “You must have needed it. Shower. Now”

-

Peter had his shower, got ready, and went through to the kitchen. Despite his long sleep, he still felt exhausted. 

“I don’ think I’m well enough for school”

“You’ll be fine once you’ve woken up a bit” Tony said, setting a plate and glass on the breakfast bar and ruffling his hair. “Two days until the weekend. Maybe we’ll do something nice, if you’re good”

-

School seemed to drag on. It was much the same as always, until Peter turned up to DT and found they’d started a new unit. Despite being adament he wouldn’t do any work at this school, he couldn’t help but get a little bit interested.

The electronics teacher put Peter at a table on his own, virtually attached to the teachers desk. Peter wasn’t entirely sure why, but he didn’t mind, because it meant no one could touch him. 

There was something comforting about the familiarity of the circuit board diagrams and their components. They’d be making door buzzers, it seemed. Nothing exciting, but it looked simple enough. Peter noticed the soldering iron on his desk. It was plugged in, but not switched on. The teacher started handing out equipment to the class. He left Peter till last, and switched on the soldering iron. He surveyed the class.

“You’ve listened to me, now put what I’ve taught you into practice. Don’t forget to wet the sponges first” He poured a little water on Peter’s sponge. “Ryan! Hold it by the handle. I’m not driving you to hospital when you end up with third degree burns" 

While the iron was heating up, Peter looked back at the diagram left on the board, and at the components he’d been given. ‘Simple enough’ he thought, and set about slotting them into place. He took up the roll of solder, tested the iron, and set to work. He lost himself in his work for a little while. He was grateful that Ryan and his gang were over the other side of the classroom, and that they were more interested in wasting solder and burning holes in the plastic chairs than they were about bothering him. 

It was peaceful, in a way. He tried to imagine he was down in the lab with Tony. It had been ages since he’d actually done that. 

- 

"You’re finished” the teacher said in surprise, watching Peter trimming the excess wire. “May I?" 

Peter handed him the circuit board.

"Very good” he put his laptop on Peter’s desk. “Let’s programme a sound onto it”

- 

Peter already knew what he was doing, but he let it be explained, and followed the instructions obediently. 

“Nice. I didn’t expect anyone to get so far today. I’d let you start designing, but I haven’t got the templates yet. Hold on, I know what you can do" 

He placed a plastic box on the desk, full of wires and light bulbs and buzzers and batteries. 

"Make some circuits. See if you can figure it out yourself" 

Peter could. The teacher went to untangle some soldering disasters and left him to it. He quite enjoyed mucking about with crocodile clips and wiring simple lighting circuits. He didn’t use the buzzer, in case he drew any more attention to himself. He found a motor buried at the bottom of the box, and made a propeller out of a bit of paper and tape, and set it spinning. He coloured in the tips so it made a red circle as it spun. He smiled to himself, briefly. He almost felt happy. 

- 

The bell went far too soon. Peter stayed behind, helping tidy up after everyone had gone. 

"Thanks kid” the teacher said. “Your class are the messiest lot I’ve ever had”

Peter nodded, turning off the plugs that had been left on. 

“They said you didn’t speak” he continued. “The English department told me to keep an eye on you. Your work was good. Do you like electronics?" 

Peter nodded.  

“How familiar are you with the work they do at Stark Industries? Do you like his work?" 

Peter nodded again. 

"He’s a great inventor. Some of his newest stuff was featured in the papers last week and it was just incredible. I don’t know how he does it, balancing that level of work with a home life” he shook his head. “My wife gets annoyed with me when I stay behind marking. Maybe husbands aren’t so needy" 

Peter smiled slightly. Loki could definitely be described as needy. He loved attention, especially from Tony. But even so, he didn’t usually mind when he was busy with work. 

“You know, we do have an electronics club here. Maybe you’d consider joining?”

Peter shrugged. 

“Have a think about it. I’d be pleased to have you” he nodded towards the door. “Go and get your lunch" 

- 

Peter climbed the wall and hid on the ceiling. It was only a matter of minutes before he heard footsteps. He pounced at Tony as soon as he got back, one arm round his neck. 

"Woah! What are you playing at?! You’ll give me a heart attack if you’re not careful!" 

"Can we go out? Huh, can we? Can we?" 

"Peter, shut up and get off! ” Tony said, his heart thumping from the unexpected attack. 

Peter let go and slid to the floor, jumping round to stand in front of him. Tony took a deep breath. 

“So, can we go out?" 

"No. I’ve got work to do" 

"But-" 

"Peter, leave me alone. I’m busy”

- 

Tony set up shop on the sofa with his laptop. Peter left him to it for about half an hour before deciding he wanted a bit of attention. He grabbed a book from his shelf and went into the living room. Tony was frowning at his laptop. 

“Hey" 

"Hey kiddo” Tony mumbled, not looking up. 

Peter nudged him with the book. “Can you read to me?" 

"Why are you asking me? Loki’s loads better; go and ask him”

“But I want  _you_ to read to me. Please?”

“No” 

Peter scowled. “Why not? Just for a little bit?”

“Peter, I’m busy. Go away”

Peter huffed and slammed the book down on the side table.

“HEY!” Tony snapped. “We’ll have none of that. Go and do your homework”

“I haven’t got any”

“Go and annoy Loki for a bit then. I can’t be doing with you right now”

“Fine” Peter huffed, and stormed out of the room. 

- 

Peter went to Loki’s room, only to find him fast asleep with a box of co-codamol beside him, a sure sign that waking him up would be a dangerous game. Peter growled and stalked off, not sure what to do with himself. All he wanted was to spend a bit of time with Tony. Surely that wasn’t too much to ask? Tony was basically his dad now, so Peter thought he should act like it. 

He found an old tennis ball in one of the kitchen drawers. He wasn’t sure why it was there, as he was fairly certain neither Loki nor Tony ever played tennis. Still, it was a useful find. He made his way back to the living room. 

- 

Tony’s eyes narrowed as the tennis ball hit his chest and rolled onto the laptop keyboard. He looked up and saw Peter, posed ready to catch it should he throw it back. Tony sighed, setting the tennis ball on the side table. 

"Not now, Peter" 

Tears pricked Peter’s eyes. He wasn’t going to cry, not now. But that only left one other option. 

"Well, why not?” he demanded. “You can spare ten minutes" 

"Peter, I’m busy" 

"I don’t care! You’re always working. You never take any notice of me anymore”

“That’s not true, and you know it” Tony said patiently. 

“Yes it is! You’re always turning round and making false promises that you’ll take me out. You only spend time with me when it suits you. You only talk to me properly when you’re telling me off" 

Tony sighed. He didn’t have time for this. He closed his laptop and stood up. Peter grabbed the tennis ball and rushed after him. 

"Hey, where are you going?” he said, his anger dropping into desperation. “Don’t go! Please, Mr Stark, can’t you just play with me for ten minutes? I’ll be real good if you do, I swear!" 

Tony didn’t respond, just kept walking. Peter followed, begging for attention.

"Stop ignoring me! Ok, _five_  minutes!  _Please_! You can’t be that busy! Please, Mr Stark!" 

Tony went into the office, and before Peter could enter, he slammed the heavy door in his face. Peter stood in the hallway in shock for a moment, letting the ball drop from his hand. A sob rose in his throat and he started crying. It wasn’t fair. He knew there was no point barging into the office to pursue the point. He rounded the corner, sunk down onto one of the hallway chairs, buried his face in his hands, and wept bitterly. 

- 

"What’s up, chick?" 

"Mr Stark hates me!” Peter cried, not looking up. 

“What did he do?" 

"He kept ignoring me and then he went to his office and slammed the door on me!" 

Loki sighed. "He’s very busy right now, what with the launch coming up and Pepper being off sick this week" 

"He hates me" 

"You can’t really think that" 

"I do think that. I can tell he does. It’s not fair" 

"He doesn’t hate you, Peter" 

Peter finally looked up. "Yes he does!" 

Loki sighed. He could see there was no use trying to convince him otherwise. He put his arms round the boy and held him close, and Peter clung to him and cried into his shoulder. 

"Come here, darling” Loki said gently, and he lifted him up and carried him to the kitchen. 

“It’s not fair-!" 

Loki sat him down at the breakfast bar. 

"It’s time to stop crying now" 

"I can’t!" 

"Yes you can. What’s that trick you do with Tony? Here” he pressed his hand against Peter’s, palm to palm. “Just breathe" 

"It’s not that easy-" 

"Yes it is. Here, I’ll guide if you follow" 

With his index finger, starting at the wrist, he traced the edges of their fingers, up one side, and down the other, making Peter breathe in time. Once they reached the tip of the middle finger, they both held their breath for the count of ten and carried on. By the third round, Peter had calmed down. 

"Better?" 

Peter nodded. "Better" 

It was a trick Tony had introduced him to one day while Loki was in hospital and everything had taken its toll on him. It had worked then, and it had become a big part of life in the last few weeks. It didn’t always work, but it still came in useful sometimes. 

"Are you hungry?" 

"A bit" 

"We’d best get started on tea then" 

"What about Mr Stark?" 

"I’ll go and see if he’s hungry. Wait here”

- 

Loki knocked on the office door. 

“Go away, Peter" 

Loki opened the door. "Guess again" 

Tony glanced up. "Hey sweetheart. Everything ok?" 

"Do you want anything to eat? The kids hungry" 

"I’ll get something later. Just cook for you two. I’ve got loads of work to do” he frowned at his laptop screen. 

“Anything you need?”

“Peace and quiet” Tony grumbled. “And a large brandy”

- 

“What did he say?” Peter asked when Loki returned. 

“That he’d get something later. Now, what do you want to eat?" 

Peter shrugged, sliding down from his stool. "I’m going to bed" 

"Uh, I don’t think so. You said you were hungry" 

"I’m not anymore. Night" 

"Peter-” but he was gone. 

- 

Peter couldn’t help squeaking as Ryan shoved him up against the cupboard door. The handle dug painfully into his back. Ryan pinned him against the door with one arm, digging his jagged nails into his stomach with his free hand. 

“Why do you never fight back?" 

As always, Peter said nothing. Ryan dug his nails in harder, drawing blood.

"You’re a waste of space” he tripped him and let him fall to the floor. “See you after lunch~" 

- 

Peter stayed where he fell. There was no point moving. Ryan was just as eager to get him alone as he was when the rabble were with him. Even the sound of Ryan’s footsteps made his stomach ache with anxiety. Ryan was right; Peter never did fight back. He sometimes tried to defend himself, but he often felt too weak and hopeless to try properly. Ryan and the rabble loved it when he struggled, and it encouraged them. They always carried on longer when he struggled. When he reacted as little as possible, they’d eventually get bored, throw him to the floor, and wander off. Doing nothing seemed like the safest option. 

Peter pulled up his shirt. In the midst of scrapes and bruises, he now had five small cuts where Ryan’s nails had been. They hurt rather a lot, and he imagined they were probably quite dirty. He sighed and covered himself again. He was glad it was winter and he was able to wear long sleeves and trousers to conceal everything. 

- 

The bicycle knocked Peter to the ground, and skidded to a halt inches away from his head. 

"What are you doing down there, crybaby?" 

Peter stayed where he was, hurt and in shock, blood dripping down his face and arms. Ryan got off the bike, setting it down and grabbing Peter by the collar, pulling him to his feet. The rabble surrounded them, laughing and jeering. 

"Do him in, Ryan! He walked under your bike! You could’ve been hurt" 

"You just keep crossing me, don’t you, useless? I’m getting sick of the sight of you" 

Peter tried to push his hand away, so Ryan held tighter, pulling him closer, their faces inches apart. 

"Just wait till Monday” he hissed. “I’m going to expose you, and I’ll make you wish you’d never set foot in my school. I  **will**  destroy you" 

Despite all common sense, Peter believed him. 

- 

Peter limped home and locked himself in the bathroom. There he spent a long time cleaning himself up and changing his ripped clothes and trying to come up with a convincing story to tell Tony should he question the cut on his forehead. 

- 

"PETERRRR!!" 

Peter near enough jumped out of his skin, and his heart started thumping. He swallowed hard and went to the kitchen. Loki and Tony were stood there, and they didn’t look happy - especially Tony, who had something in his hand. Peter could see a familiar logo on it. 

"Do you know what this is?" 

Peter nodded. Ms Thea had told them that school reports were being sent out this week. He’d fully intended to intercept the post and get to it before anyone else. 

"Come here" 

Tony’s voice was shaking with rage. Peter’s blood ran cold. He was too scared to disobey, and stepped forwards. 

"Would you like to know what your highest grade was? An E. Do you hear that? An E" 

Peter kept his eyes on the ground. He’d learnt early on that doing work at this school only lead to more ridicule. It was safer not to do any work at all. His momentary lapse when he did the circuit board in electronics had lead to him being labelled as a teachers pet, and being pinned down by rabble members and kicked in the stomach until he was sick. 

"You got two F’s. Those were your second highest grades. Do you want to know what you got in everything else? U” he slammed the report down on the breakfast bar, making Peter jump. “Ungraded. They couldn’t even justify grading you. What do you have to say for yourself?" 

Peter stayed quiet, tears dripping down his cheeks.

"We expected a slip in grades, after what happened” Tony continued, his voice still low. “A slip. Not a plummet into the abyss. Your teachers have said that they think it’s your circumstances that are the reason for your lack of work ethic. I disagree. You’re capable of much better than this,  _much_ better”

“It’s not that important…” Peter mumbled.

“Excuse me? I don’t believe this!” Tony looked at Loki, relieved to see that he still seemed to be on his side. “This is your education, Peter! I don’t think there’s even a  _word_ for how bad this report is! Your behaviour as of late has been atrocious: bullying, running away, this report - and the less said about your attitude, the better. Are you trying to throw your life away, is that it?”

“What life?!” Peter burst out. “What’s the point?! I lost everything and you expect me to carry on like nothings happened?!”

“No, I expect you to try hard  _despite_ what happened. I refuse to believe your focus has dropped so much as to give you U’s. Go and get your school bag”

“Why?!”

“Why? Because I said so! I want to see your work for myself”

Peter’s heart sank. 

“Peter!” Tony snapped. “Go and get your school bag”

Peter stayed where he was. There was no way he was going to show Tony his exercise books. 

Tony growled. “Fine, I’ll get it myself”

“No!”

Loki grabbed hold of him.

“Ow! Let go of me! Mr Stark, wait!”

-

Loki kept hold of Peter as Tony emptied his school bag onto the table. 

“Right, let’s see what you’ve been getting up to” Tony said, his voice stronger now.

He picked up Peter’s homework diary and opened it. It was blank. His brow furrowed as he flicked through the empty pages. 

“Tony?”

Tony dropped the diary and picked up Peter’s maths book. He was relieved to find work on the first page - good work too, all ticked correct. He turned a couple of pages, and found nothing. He flipped through the pages. Blank. He swapped it for his English book and flipped through that. Blank. He picked up History, Geography, Science. Blank. Blank. Blank. 

A few books had work on the first couple of pages, dated from the first week of school, but most did not. He’d done nothing.

“Let go!” Peter tried again, struggling helplessly in Loki’s arms. “You’re hurting me”

He was, too. Peter’s run ins with Ryan and his gang had left him very much worse for wear, and Loki was pressing painfully on his bruises. 

“Let go!”

Loki did so, reluctantly, and mainly because of the look on Tony’s face. The man was shaking, his eyes were dark, and his breathing was heavy. Loki kept hold of Peter’s shoulder so he couldn’t run.

“Tony” Loki said. 

Tony looked at him. “You can’t grade someone if they don’t give you anything to grade”

“I’m sorry?”

“Blank” he slammed the last of the workbooks down on the table. “All of it. He hasn’t done any work whatsoever, inside or outside of school”

Loki found himself letting go of Peter completely. The boy was crying too helplessly to attempt running. Tony stepped forwards, grabbing him under the chin.

“What exactly have you been doing all day then? What the hell is wrong with you?! What could possibly make you think that this is acceptable behaviour?!” Tony shouted. “Explain yourself!”

Peter shoved his hand away and tried to escape. Tony grabbed his shoulder. His hand jerked - and Loki grabbed it quickly. Tony looked at him, breathing heavily. He closed his eyes for a second, squeezed his hand gratefully, and looked at Peter. He hadn’t seen: he was too busy crying, too focused on escaping. Tony let go of his shoulder. Peter didn’t run this time. He covered his mouth with both hands and sobbed.

“You might well cry. You should be utterly ashamed of yourself: I know we are”

Peter cried harder. 

Tony looked at Loki. “Take him to his room. We need to talk privately”

-

Peter recovered a little bit of fight once they reached his room, and he pushed Loki’s hand away, hard.

“We’ll be back in to talk to you later” Loki said. “What on Earth were you thinking? I don’t even know where to begin”

Peter scrubbed his eyes on his sleeve. “Are you gonna hit me now?”

“No”

“Why not?”

“Tony and I are going to discuss this. We’ll decide on a suitable punishment for you together” 

Peter sniffed and sat down on the bed. He supposed he’d known something like this was going to happen. He just hadn’t expected it to hurt so much. He’d never seen Tony so angry before. 

“Why would you do it, Peter? What benefit did you think there was in not working?”

“You wouldn’t understand”

“Try me”

Peter lay down on his side, his back to Loki. Loki sighed.

“Don’t you dare leave this room”

-

_Peter turned up to the Stark’s, and was surprised at who else he saw at the breakfast bar._

_“May? What are you doing here?”  
_

_May looked at Loki. “We had plans. And, I got this in the post” she held up an envelope. “And Tony wanted to see it”_

_Peter put his bag down and went over to the breakfast bar, climbing up onto one of the stools. Loki poked him with a small bottle of rose lemonade._

_“Here”  
_

_“But those are yours” Peter said._

_“And I’m giving you one” Loki said. “You deserve it”  
_

_Peter accepted it gratefully. Loki kept a stock of wonderful botanically brewed drinks, but rose lemonade was definitely the best one. Peter was given a glass as a treat sometimes. He already knew the answer to his next question:_

_“So, how did I do?” Peter asked, looking at May.  
_

_“A’s and B’s, all the way through. Good comments from your teachers too” she smiled proudly. “You’re much smarter than I ever was at school”  
_

_“Now, I don’t believe that for a second” Loki said.  
_

_Tony ruffled Peter’s hair and gave him a hug. “You’ll go far, kiddo. Hey May, can I hire him now? I could find him a place at Stark Industries, no problem”_

_He tickled his neck, making him squeak._

_“Don’t!” he said, but he grinned anyway. “Can I really have a job?”  
_

_“Sure you can”  
_

_“Not yet!” May said. “Finish school first. I’m not letting you be a high school drop-out, especially not with grades like these”  
_

_“Aww, that’s no fun” Peter pouted, resting his head against Tony’s chest.  
_

_“We’re all proud of you, kiddo” Tony said, giving him a squeeze. “I think a treat is in order here”  
_

_“Woah, really?” Peter’s mind was racing, trying to think of what he could get away with asking for.  
_

_“That new go-karting track just opened” May said. “How about that?”  
_

_“Woah, really? But it’s super expensive” he’d seen the price list go up when it opened. “Especially for four of us”  
_

_“It’s not_ that  _expensive, kiddo” Tony said. “Ok, that’s that settled then. Go-karting”_

_Peter couldn’t stop smiling. “This is so cool! Wait, I’ve never done go-karting before”_

_“Neither have I” May said. “There’s a first time for everything”  
_

_“We’ve done it” Loki said. “Quite a few times. Tony spends most of the time trying to untangle himself from the barriers”  
_

_“You spend most of the time going so fast it’s a wonder you don’t flip over” Tony retaliated.  
_

_Peter laughed at them. Loki had a big thing about speed nowadays. Tony had banned him from driving just in case he ended up in a crash. ‘Speedboats and rollercoasters are enough for you’ he had said._

_May laughed at them too. She stood up to join the Tony-Peter hug, and Loki did the same._

_“I’ll see you tomorrow evening” she said, kissing his forehead. “We’d better get going now”_

_Loki stepped back, grabbing his keys. “Yes, let’s not be late this time”_

_“It was that idiot in the BMWs fault last time” May said, linking arms with him.  
_

_“Have fun, you two. May, don’t let him drink too much. Promise me?” Tony said.  
_

_“I’m not promising anything”  
_

_-_

Peter pulled the quilt up over his head. If he could only stop crying, he could pretend to be asleep. Maybe they’d leave him alone if he did. He didn’t have the strength for this.

*


	9. Throw It All Away

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tony is still struggling, unbearably so, and Peter doesn’t make it easy for him. Ryan pushes Peter to breaking point

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As I did with CTBAR, I'm offering a oneshot request/chapter dedication to anyone who can guess the link between the chapter titles.
> 
> As always, comments/questions/reviews encouraged/appreciated!

-

Tony made Peter sit up.

“This is what’s going to happen” he said. “You are going to go to school. You are going to do your work, take down your homework, and you are going to come home. And after that, you will sit with me and do your homework. And then, we will do extra lessons for two hours. And then you will go to bed. That’s it. And things will continue like this until your grades are up, and a little longer besides. No objections. This starts on Monday. Now, have you got any questions?”

“…Do you think May would be ashamed of me?”

“She’s be ashamed of your grades” Tony said carefully. “Anything else?”

Peter shook his head.

“Right” he wasn’t sure what else to say to him. “Go to sleep”

“But I haven’t had tea yet”

“And you won’t have any” Tony said firmly. “Now lay down and go to sleep. That’s not a suggestion, Peter”

Peter didn’t move. Tony sighed heavily, taking hold of his shoulders and forcing him onto his back. Peter grabbed his shirt. Tony sighed.

“What are you doing, Peter?”

“I need a hug”

Tony looked into his tearful eyes and sighed. He pulled him close. He was warm - hot - and shaking. Despite his anger, Tony felt sorry for him. 

“We can’t carry on like this, Peter” 

“It’s so hard…”

“I know”

“It hasn’t even been two months yet”

Tony closed his eyes for a moment. “I know” 

He let go of him and stood up. “Go to sleep”

He left the room before Peter could do anything to make him stay. 

-

The mood had dropped drastically by morning. Peter was furious with himself and with the world. He was sick of being stuck here all the time. 

“You said you’d take me out today” Peter said, finding Tony in the living room. 

“I said maybe, if you were good” Tony said. “But you haven’t _been_  good, have you?" 

"So? I’m sick of this house. I’m going out" 

Tony stood up and grabbed him. "No, you’re not. You’re grounded" 

"What?! Why?!”  

“Because you’re a bad kid and you’re still in trouble. You stay here" 

Peter pushed his hand away. "It’s not fair!" 

"It’s not raining either" 

Peter lost it. "I HATE IT HERE! I hate it! I don’t want to stay here anymore!" 

"Oh Peter, for gods sake, don’t start" 

"Well why not?! You never listen to me anyway! I wish I didn’t have to live with you! I wish it was just me and Loki. We’d be better off without you!" 

Tony was done being patient. "Well that’s just tough! What, you think you and Loki are gonna go off and play happy families? Get real, Peter. What makes you think he’d choose you over me?" 

"Shut up! I want nothing to do with you! You don’t care about me anyway!" 

"Oh really, is that so? I don’t care? Why did I take you in then, hey? Just for something to do? Don’t be an idiot. I took you in because I love you, even though you’re driving me totally insane" 

"If you really cared you’d never have sent me to that stupid school!" 

"Oh for the love of all that is good in this world! How many times do I have to say it? Your old school is too far away from here. You have to go to the one closest to us. Is that why you’ve been so stupid at school? Because you’re bitter about leaving your old one?" 

"No!” Peter said indignantly. “It’s a rubbish school and I hate it! I’ve said it thousands of times!" 

"Yes, but you’ve never given us a reason, valid or otherwise" 

"Why do I need a reason?! I hate it and that’s all you need to know! I don’t wanna go there any more!" 

"Well that’s just tough! You will continue to go to that school, you will do your work and you will behave yourself, do you understand me?" 

"Of course I understand you! I’m not thick. But I don’t agree with you so I’m not gonna do it" 

"You will do as you’re bloody well told, young man! If it means that I have to drag you there every day, then so be it. I’m not going to let you throw your life away”

Peter growled. “I don’t have to listen to you! You’re not my dad!" 

"I’m your legal guardian and you will either do as you’re told, or suffer the consequences of disobeying me. Your choice" 

"It’s not fair! I’m going to Mr Loki" 

"Go then. He’ll tell you exactly the same as me" 

"He won’t! He’s just as much my guardian as you are. More, in fact" 

Tony crossed his arms over his chest. "Is that so? And how did you come to that conclusion?" 

"Because I actually want him, and I don’t want  _you_!" 

"That doesn’t make him more of a guardian. You think ‘ _want_ ’ has anything to do with this? Do you think every kid out there  _wants_  their parents? Because they don’t. I never wanted my father, but I was stuck with him anyway. And you might not want me, but you’ve got me, and I’m all you  _have_ got now" 

"Well I hate you! You’re a rubbish guardian and I wish I’d been taken into foster care instead of being dragged home with you!" 

Tony knew deep down that he was just saying it because he was angry, but it still hurt. 

"Fine, you want to go into foster care? I’ll call Ms Allen then, shall I? She’s an efficient woman. No doubt she’ll be able to find you a foster placement today and have you out of here by tonight. Better start packing your bags" 

Peter stared at him for a moment, hot tears dripping down his cheeks. "Ring her then! See if I care! I’ll be glad to be shot of this place! I never want to see you again!" 

"Fine, I’ll call her now then. You hate it here so much? Well let’s send you away, see how happy it makes you" 

"I don’t have to listen to this! I’m sick of the sight of you! I hate you!" 

"Well go to your room then, you ungrateful little brat!” Tony shouted. “I’ve got a phone call to make" 

"FINE” Peter yelled, and he stormed out of the room. 

- 

Peter burst into Loki’s room. Loki looked up from his book. 

“Peter? Hey, what’s wrong?" 

Peter collapsed onto Loki’s chest and cried his eyes out. 

"Oh sweetheart” Loki set his book around and pulled a blanket round him. He held him tight and rubbed his back firmly. “It’s alright, darling, I’ve got you" 

- 

Tony dialled Li Allen’s number, his heart thumping. He tried hard to breathe evenly. As usual, the phone was answered promptly.  

"Good morning, Mr Stark" 

"Morning Ms Allen…" 

"How can I help you?" 

Tony took a deep breath. "You know, last time we talked… You said there was someone I could call? If I was struggling?" 

"Yes, there is a helpline I can put you in touch with. Is everything alright? How’s Peter?" 

"Miserable and difficult” Tony answered. “He’s just… I don’t know. I don’t really understand him right now. He was always such a good kid" 

"And now?” Li persisted. 

“He just keeps acting out. He’s been in trouble at school for hurting some kid. He played truant for a full week while I was away, and he was really deceptive and sneaky about it. I mean, he even printed off worksheets so he could pretend he was doing homework! He ran away from home the other day too. We found him at the airport. He’s rude and disruptive and he’s still not eating properly. And we got his school report yesterday and it was atrocious. Turns out he hasn’t been doing any work at school whatsoever. I don’t know what to do with him. I just keep getting cross" 

Li listened patiently. "I know it’s tough. People really change after they go through something traumatic. Is he still refusing to see a councillor?" 

"Yeah. He won’t talk to me properly either. He’s still a human fountain, crying constantly. He’s so argumentative sometimes too…" 

"Have you just had an argument?” she asked. She’d noticed the slight tremble in his voice, not to mention the stress. 

“Yes, we have” he admitted. 

“How did it end?" 

Tony shifted. "With me threatening to send him into foster care and him saying he hates me" 

"Mr Stark, you know what I told you right at the start? It’s ok to admit if you aren’t coping. You and your husband are allowed a break. If you’re really struggling, I can organise something for Peter. Short term foster placements are easy enough to come by-" 

"No” Tony said quickly. “No, I couldn’t. I couldn’t do that to him. Even though he said he hates it here, even though he said he wished he’d been taken into care, I know he was just speaking out of anger. He’d never forgive me if I sent him away, even just for a week. He’d feel so betrayed" 

"Ok. Well in that case, I think we need to offer some more support to you. I’ll email you the contact details for that helpline. I’m afraid they just changed phone number and I don’t know it off by heart yet" 

"Thank you. I’m sorry, but this is just getting really hard" 

"I know” she said sympathetically. “How’s Loki doing? Can’t you talk to him about it?" 

"Loki’s great. He’s always been brilliant to vent to, but he’s struggling as well, and I just - well, it’d be good to talk to someone impartial, y'know?" 

"I understand, Mr Stark, I do” Li said. “Now, I apologise for changing the subject, but I am glad you called" 

"Oh?" 

"Yes. I was meaning to call to schedule another visit. I’ve not had a chance to talk to Peter since we met at the hospital. I understand he was otherwise engaged during my other visits" 

"Oh. Right. Yes. Uhh. When were you thinking?" 

"Ideally as soon as possible. I do like to keep up to date. I understand you’re a busy man, Mr Stark. Are you free Monday evening, by any chance?”

“Um” Tony thought for a minute. “Yeah, I’m free" 

"How does that suit you? What time does Peter finish school?" 

"He usually gets back around quarter to four" 

"How does five o’ clock suit you?" 

Tony nodded slightly. "Five is fine. I-I’ll see you Monday" 

"Thank you. I’ll see you then. I’ll put a reminder in the email for you. Is there anything else you would like to discuss?" 

"No, I think I’m ok. Thank you. For listening to me" 

"Of course. It’s my job”  

“Yes… But thank you anyway. See you later, Ms Allen" 

"Good day, Mr Stark. Goodbye now" 

- 

Tony was slightly annoyed to find Peter in Loki’s room. 

"Loki, can I have a word?”

Loki looked down at the boy sprawled across his chest. “I’m a little preoccupied just now" 

Peter whined, covering his ears with his hands. Loki cuddled him close. Tony sighed. 

"Ms Allen is coming round on Monday night”

Loki nodded. “Right" 

Tony looked at him. "What’s up? Have I done something wrong?" 

"I’m just worried about the kid” Loki said. “He’s acting funny" 

"Isn’t he always? He’s just attention seeking" 

"He is here, you know” Loki frowned. 

“I’m going out” Tony suddenly decided. “Do you need anything from the shops?”

“Painkillers" 

"Right. See you later then" 

- 

Ryan sat tracing circles on the mouse-pad of his laptop. He was thinking. He’d threatened to expose Peter, and since he’d done it publicly, it meant he had an expectation from his friends to do exactly that. He had to find something on the new kid, anything. The thing was, he knew very little about him. He was clever, his aunt had died, and he cried a lot. Those were the only facts Ryan knew for certain. He’d never caught the name of the man who had turned up the day Peter had pulled his chair out from under him. All he knew about him, was that he was a strict-looking businessman. Without a name, he couldn’t find out anything about him. He wasn’t sure there’d be anything bad to say about him even if he did.

Ryan sighed, looking round the grubby room and tapping his foot on the threadbare carpet. 

“What should we do, Tilly?” he asked the white cat who was curled up beside him. 

The cat blinked slowly at him. Ryan looked back at his laptop. He sat up properly, opening Google, and typed ‘Peter Parker’ into the search bar. He expected to be met with social media accounts, but the real results were much more interesting. The top result was a picture thumbnail, linking to a news article. Ryan clicked on it, and the web page opened, throwing the headline; ‘ _Ward of The Stark’s_ ’ across the screen.

‘Not the catchiest headline’ Ryan thought.

He scrolled, and peered at the picture. His eyes narrowed in confusion as he looked at it. It was definitely the right Peter Parker, but more shocking than that, was who was in the picture with him. He recognised the businessman from the head teachers office - and he recognised Tony Stark.  _The_ Tony Stark. A distinctive character, but not someone Ryan knew an awful lot about. Usually, tabloids and celebrity gossip went unnoticed by him. He kept looking at the photo. It was a generic low-grade paparazzi shot, dated the previous year. They’d been caught unaware, and the Starks looked less than pleased. They had their arms round Peter, attempting to shield him from the cameras. It looked like it had just been taken in the streets. Nowhere special, by any account.

Well, it was who Ryan was searching for, so he continued on to the article, and his eyes soon widened in disbelief, and glimmered with excitement. He’d found exactly what he was after: something to expose. He knew why the silent crybaby had appeared now. The article told him everything he needed to know: that the explosion in Queen’s not quite two months prior had made Peter homeless and killed his aunt, and that Tony Stark and his husband (famous only for his spouse and brother) had taken him in. The article was mostly impartial, but it detailed other theories and thoughts. No one in the press quite knew where Peter had originally come from. Many considered he was an apprentice at Stark Industries, others thought Tony had been involved with the aunt and he knew the kid that way - and some even speculated that he was an illegitimate son. 

Ryan laughed triumphantly. This was just too good.

“We’ve done it, Tilly! There’d better be ink in the printer” he grinned, touching her fur gently.

The cat jumped down from the sofa, padding over to the kitchen. Ryan watched her go, and stood up. He had things to do. 

-

Tony didn’t know what Peter had told Loki - if anything - but the two were definitely now in cahoots. Peter spent the rest of the weekend clinging to Loki, and Tony ended up getting left on the sidelines, feeling very neglected and upset. He could deal with Peter being distant, but having Loki near enough ignoring him too was painful. He was used to being able to cuddle up to Loki whenever he liked, and now that he couldn’t, he felt incredibly cut off. 

- 

Monday morning came as a relief. Loki got Peter ready for school, but he didn’t fancy going out in the cold, so Tony had to walk Peter to school again. 

"Stop sulking” Tony said. 

“I’m not sulking” Peter said, sulkily. 

“You are. Look, I know I got cross with you, but it was justified. I need you to be good now. If not for me, then for yourself. School isn’t so bad" 

"What would you know?” Peter snapped. 

Tony sighed. “Don’t speak to me like that, Peter”

Peter huffed and shoved his hands in his pockets. 

“Look, kid-”

“I don’t want to hear it!” Peter interrupted. “You can go now”

He picked up the pace, and Tony sighed, leaning against a nearby wall. As always, he waited until Peter had gone through the school gates before heading for home.

-

Peter trudged up the stairs to his form room. Like it always did, his stomach started squeezing as he got closer. It was only a matter of seconds before he’d see Ryan, and get jostled by the group who always insisted on hanging about directly outside the door. 

There they were again, laughing. One of them spotted him.

“Hey Peter, hey, we’re friends, right?”

Peter looked at the girl, confused. Firstly, because friendship was the last thing anyone in this school wanted from him, and secondly, because she called him by his name, and no one ever did that. 

“Lend us some money, won’t you?” Another girl said. “We know you can spare it”

Peter decided they were just being stupid, and tried to ignore them. 

“Heyyyy, Parker!” Ryan’s familiar voice broke through the air, and he appeared in the hall, followed by his loyal giggling rabble members. “You never told us you were a billionaire!  _We’ll_ be your friends”

Peter looked at him, the confusion evident on his face. 

“Ooh, it hasn’t seen it yet!”

It was then that Peter noticed that everyone seemed to be clutching a sheet of paper. Ryan himself held a stack. He smiled, holding one out to him.

“Here”

Peter took the paper reluctantly, and Ryan wandered off a little way down the corridor to meet up with a friend who had just arrived and share the news with him. Peter looked down at the paper he’d been handed.  _‘Ward of The Stark’s_ ’ it read, and there was a picture. Peter recognised this picture. He remembered the paparazzi jumping out of the bushes, begging Tony to tell them about his kid. Tony and Loki had tried to shield Peter from them, and moved valiantly on. Loki had managed to invalidate most of their photos with elaborate and inappropriate hand gestures, but a few had turned up in a tabloid article. Tony had told Peter to ignore it, and he had. He’d been caught in the press a few times over the last few years. It never bothered him.

Peter swallowed hard and moved on to the article.

‘ _Billionaire’s Tony and Loki Stark have taken the next step in their relationship by having a child - but not in the conventional sense. An explosion caused by a gas main in Queens last week-_ ’

Peter could feel himself shaking. He could hear people laughing at him, but he couldn’t stop reading. It told them everything: the death of his aunt, the people who had taken him in, the fate of the block of flats, the speculation of who he really was - it was all there, and Peter had never seen any of it before. Who had written this? Who had published it? How had Ryan found it?

Peter dropped the paper like it was red hot. He could feel his breathing getting faster. His pulse was beating uncomfortable hard in his throat.

“Shame about your aunt” Ryan’s voice called from a few metres away. “Or maybe not. After all, if she hadn’t kicked the bucket, she’d still have to put up with y-”

“YOU’VE GOT NO RIGHT TO TALK ABOUT HER!”

Before he knew what he was doing, he’d sprung forward, lashed out, and Ryan had hit the floor. Peter paused, breathing heavily, a dull pain throbbing in his still-clenched fist - and he realised what he’d done. The corridor was sickeningly quiet, everyone shocked to silence by hearing Peter’s voice and witnessing his retaliation. Ryan groaned, sprawled out in a mess of papers, blood dripping down both sides of his face.

“Uh-oh”

Peter made a run for it, and smacked straight into someone’s outstretched arm. He looked up at the teacher who had caught him, and he knew he’d seen everything. He glanced over his shoulder at Ryan, still on the floor, and back at the teacher, and finally, at the floor. He didn’t try to run again. There was no getting out of this one.

-

Peter felt like he was boiling over. He couldn’t stop shaking. He gripped the edges of the chair he was on and stared at the floor. He only lasted for so long before he became too agitated to stay still, and stood up, pacing in circles and ignoring everyone. 

New footsteps sounded - familiar ones - and Peter looked up. For a moment he couldn’t help feeling happy to see them, but the look on both their faces was enough to shock him back to reality. Loki shook his head at him.

“Oh Peter” Tony said sadly. “What have you done?”

-

Ryan’s dad had been called too, and turned up in much the same garb as before - but his easy-going composure was nowhere to be seen. He recognised Loki immediately, and grabbed his hand.

“If I had known, I’d’ve put a stop to it, I swear”

-

The five of them were ushered into the headteacher’s office - Tony, Loki, and Ryan’s dad standing, and Ryan and Peter on chairs in front of their respective guardians. 

“I’m sorry we had to call you down here” the headteacher said grimly. “But with a matter so serious as this, we needed to address it promptly”

The adults had been given a version of events, both slightly different, but the motive of Peter’s attack remained unclear, and Tony voiced this.

“I believe” the head said, holding a sheet of paper out to him. “That this may have sparked it off”

Tony looked at him, and took the paper. Loki moved closer to see. Tony felt queasy all of a sudden. He recognised this article. It was from a small local news company. He’d thought tooth and nail to keep it from getting into the national news, and even threatened to sue the paper if they printed it, just in case Peter ever saw it. It was obvious now, that publishing online had been their loophole. 

“Can I-?” 

Tony let Ryan’s dad take the article and read it over. He handed it to the head, turned, and slapped Ryan round the back of the head.

“What the hell is wrong with you!? Why would you go spreading someone’s personal business around like that?!”

“Why am I the one getting into trouble here?” Ryan demanded. “Look at what he did to  _me_!”

Ryan glared at Peter. Peter glared back. Ryan had a cut and the starts of bruising on one side of his face, and a cut on the other side where he’d hit the floor. 

“Can we conduct this meeting in a civil manner, Ryan?” the head said. “From what I understand, you’ve done far more damage”

Peter went back to staring at the floor and gripping his chair. He wasn’t quite sure what was going on. Everything felt uncomfortably close and hot. It had all happened so fast. Peter had been ushered downstairs and told they’d be calling home, and he’d been left in a room on his own while Ryan was being seen to in the medical room. Peter had lost it a bit, shouting and swearing and crying. Once he’d calmed down a bit, he’d been moved to the corridor, a mere fifteen minutes before Tony and Loki had arrived. They’d all been shown into the headteacher’s office about ten minutes after that. Peter was too swamped in fear and emotion to think straight. He was trying hard to hold his tongue.

“-Bullying? Where would you get an idea like that?”

Peter looked up. Ryan sat so confidently, so defiant of the accusation. His father had been told over the phone, and wasn’t happy to see his son denying it. Loki and Tony were exchanging looks.

“There’s no use denying it, Ryan” the head said patiently. 

Ryan scoffed, folding his arms over his chest and glaring at Peter again. “I haven’t done anything to that kid”

“Say that again!” Peter shouted. “Say it again and see what happens!”

“Peter! That’s enough” Tony put a hand on his shoulder, and turned back to the head. “Are you sure about this?”

“Quite certain, Mr Stark. And as I informed your husband last time he was here, we won’t tolerate bullying in this school. However” he looked at Peter, who was seething with rage, tears dripping down his face, his body shaking. “I want to know  _exactly_ what’s been going on”

“I can answer that” Ryan said easily. “He started here about a month ago. He’s never spoken a word until today. He hasn’t got any friends. That’s it”

“Is it now?” The head said. “Because, Ryan Jefferson, that’s not what I’ve been told”

“Well, it’s the truth”

“No it fucking isn’t!” Peter exploded, jumping to his feet and glaring at Loki so fiercely that he drew back from his attempt to grab him. “You’ve done nothing but torment me since the moment I arrived! Why lie about it?! You obviously like the attention, so why not brag about it, you silly cu-”

Tony clamped his hand down over Peter’s mouth before he could finish his sentence. Peter pushed his hand away. Suddenly he wasn’t quite so scared of Ryan. Ryan himself was a little on edge now that Peter was speaking and showing some fight. He wasn’t used to his victims suddenly turning. 

“What exactly is it I’ve supposedly done to you?” he said, not quite holding eye contact.

“Don’t act as if you don’t know! You’ve been having the time of your life”

“But  _we_ don’t know” Tony said. “Peter, if this kid  _has_ been bullying you… He hasn’t, has he? I mean, surely you would’ve told us?”

“And let you worry even more? And risk it getting worse?” he was crying properly now, choking his words through his sobs. “I’m not like this just because of May, you know”

“Darling” Loki tried to hug the boy, only to be pushed away. 

“Peter, we’re worried about you anyway! Why did you ever think hiding it would be the better option?” Tony pulled him close, and Peter just about allowed it. 

“What exactly have you done to this kid, Ryan?” his dad demanded. 

Loki looked over at him. Now he knew what he’d meant when he said he’d have put a stop it it if he’d have known. He must have been told over the phone that his son was a bully.   
Ryan shrugged, but he was starting to look very nervous. His dad was very red in the face. He looked over at the Starks, at Peter.

“You have to tell us what he’s done to you”

“I haven’t done anything!” Ryan insisted. “It’s nothing!”

“Nothing! You think this is  _nothing_?” Peter shouted, pulling away from Tony. “I don’t need to tell them what you’ve done”

“Why? Because I haven’t done anything? You’re pathetic!”

“No, because I can show them” Peter said, and he grabbed the bottom of his jumper and pulled it off over his head.

He stood there, unable to see through his tears, barely able to breathe his chest was so tight. For a while there was a horrible silence as Ryan saw for the first time exactly how much of an impact his games had had, Ryan’s dad and the head saw exactly how grievous the situation was, and Tony and Loki realised why the boy had flinched so much when they’d hugged him recently.

Peter’s torso was a mess of grazes and cuts and bruises at various stages of healing. His stomach was 90% bruise, an ugly mix of black and green and purple, with the cuts of fingernails unmistakable on one side.

Loki was the first to crack. This surprised everyone, and horrified Peter, who started crying again as a result.

“H-h-hey, Mr Loki, don’t cry! I didn’t want to make you cry!” Peter gabbled, and started sobbing.

“How could you not tell us about this?! How could you just let him hurt you?” 

He pulled Peter close, holding his jumper round him to cover at least some of him, and rocked him while they both cried. 

Tony slowly turned to look at Ryan’s dad, who looked every bit as horrified as he felt. He looked over at the head, who had gone very white in the last few minutes. 

“When the teachers told me you’d been bullying him, I never imagined anything like thi-”

“Hold on, you  _knew_ about this?!” Tony said. 

“On the contrary” the head held a hand up defensively. “I only found out today. But some of the teachers have been aware of the situation for some times now, and they’ve told me as much”

“What, and they just stood by and let it happen? They just  _let_ this little thug do as he pleased? I don’t believe this!” 

He looked at Loki, who had composed himself a little, but was still very much occupied with holding Peter protectively. Tony moved closer to Ryan and looked down at him. Ryan shifted uncomfortably.

“I don’t know what possessed you to do what you’ve done, but what you did goes far beyond playground bullying, which is bad enough in itself. This is violence. Why would you do it?”

Ryan shrugged. “Bit of fun”

“Oh, is that what you call it?” Tony said, his voice dangerously calm. “Well let me tell you something: a ‘bit of fun’ doesn’t constitute ABH. You think this is ok, that you can keep doing this kind of thing your whole life? You can, and will, end up in prison. Heck, you could go to prison  _now_. Do you want to go to juvie? Because that’s where you’re heading”

He stepped back, if only for his own sake. He noticed Mr Jefferson staring at him. He looked at him, and for a split second, imagined what he must be feeling. Tony had been upset and angry when they’d thought Peter was a bully, even though now it had been proved to be a falsehood. But Ryan was very much a bully, and there was no denying that. He couldn’t quite comprehend how horrible that must feel. 

“Are you going to press charges?” he asked, his face grey.

Tony looked at Peter, clinging helplessly to Loki, many of his bruises still visible despite the jumper being held round him.

“No” Tony said, and he turned back to Mr Jefferson. “I’m not dragging my kid through courts and police interviews and statements. He’s suffered enough. And you shouldn’t have to go through all the same just because of what your son did”

“We need to decide where we go from here” The headteacher said. 

Ryan stared at the floor. Being the centre of attention wasn’t so good now. Truth be told, he felt sick. He’d never been called out on his behaviour before, especially not like this. What was going to happen now?

Peter pulled away from Loki, put his jumper back on, and sank back into the chair, looking at nothing in particular and trying to decipher his feelings. 

“I can’t believe your teachers knew what was happening and didn’t do anything about it” 

“It will be investigated” the head looked at Mr Jefferson. “Would you and Ryan give us a few minutes?”

“Yeah..” Mr Jefferson hauled Ryan up from his chair and pushed him towards the door. He went over and took Loki’s hand. “I am so sorry”

Loki shook his hand encouragingly. “It’s not your fault. You weren’t the one who hurt him”

Mr Jefferson found himself in front of Peter. He looked terribly small. 

“If I had known sooner, I would have put a stop to it. I swear” he said. “He should never have been allowed to get away with it… Take care, kid”

-

Peter pressed his hands down hard over his ears until the sound of the blood rushing in his head was louder than the grown-ups arguing. Tony and Loki were annoyed at themselves for being so oblivious to what was going on, and angry that the school knew and did nothing about it. They didn’t know what to do next, and could only argue the options. 

Eventually, a brief silence was broken by Tony.

“This isn’t working” he said, looking at the headteacher properly. “I really do appreciate what you’ve done, understanding Peter’s situation and taking him on such short notice, and keeping us from being common knowledge. But this just isn’t working. He’s miserable, and with good reason. That kid had done horrible things to him. I don’t blame you - but I blame your teachers for knowing and doing nothing about it”

“I can’t apologise enough” the head said. “They should know better. I will investigate it. It’s not good enough. I’m so sorry that Peter came to such harm here”

“I appreciate it” Tony said. He looked at Peter, and sighed heavily. “I’m sorry. I’d like to withdraw Peter from the school, effectively immediately”

The head nodded slowly. “I imagined you would. I have no objections. He’ll never feel safe here after what happened”

He stood up and came round from behind his desk. He stood before Peter. Peter slowly opened his eyes and looked up, taking his hands away from his ears.

“We saw your grades. Your old school sent them to us. You’re clever. You’ll go far, given the right environment. I really do wish you all the best for the future” he held a hand out to him, which Peter took shakily. “Goodbye, Peter”

-

Peter was exhausted by the time they got back to the house. They’d left the school at 11.30am, and Tony had taken him straight to the doctors to be checked over for any serious damage (thankfully none was found) before finally returning home.

They all three sat on the futon in the back room. For a while there was numb silence, but then Tony collapsed. He held Peter close, and Loki held the both of them, and together they all cried and silently cursed the Earth for being so cruel. 

*


	10. Hold On

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (Alternative title: To Visit and Be Visited. Not used because it doesn't fit with the chapter title themes)
> 
> Li Allen pays a professional visit. Peter, Loki, and Tony pay a personal one.

-

Tony sat back, exhausted. 

“Why didn’t you tell us? You know you can tell us anything”

“I know…” Peter leant back against Loki’s chest. “I didn’t want you to worry”

“But we  _did_ worry! We could’ve helped, if you had just  _told_ us!”

Peter cast his eyes down. “It would’ve only gotten worse if they’d found out”

“You don’t know that”

“I do. It was worse when I did well in class. That’s why I stopped. And it was worse if I fought back: it just encouraged them. So I stopped fighting back”

Tony looked at him. “Is this why you skipped school?”

Peter closed his eyes, and nodded. “I was scared”

“You should’ve told us”

“I was so scared…” he buried his face in his hands.

“Oh sweetheart. Darling” Tony moved closer, winding his arms round him and Loki. “You don’t have to be scared any more. He’s never going to hurt you again”

“You don’t know that!” Peter cried. “Just because he got caught doesn’t mean he’ll stop! He’ll get me again tomorrow!”

“What? Peter, what are you-”

“Tony” Loki interrupted. “He- he had his hands over his ears. I don’t think he heard”

Peter clung to Loki’s shirt. “Please don’t make me go back! You can’t make me go! Please!”

“Hey, hey, Peter, darling, shh. Listen to me” Tony said, taking his face in his hands. “We’ve taken you out of that school. You never have to go back there. I promise”

Peter looked at him through his tears, searching his face for any trace of a lie.

“You mean it?”

“I mean it”

Peter started crying harder, throwing his arms about Tony’s neck and howling into his shoulder, quickly growing quite hysterical. 

“Shh, Peter, breathe. Calm down”

Loki stood up behind them, and Peter panicked, pulling away from Tony and grabbing his arm. 

“Daddy, don’t go!!”

Unphased, Loki squeezed his hand. “I’ll be back in a minute, darling”

Peter collapsed back against Tony’s chest. He didn’t know if he could believe him.

-

Loki returned shortly, armed with the quilted blanket. Peter was still crying uncontrollably, and Tony had started crying again too. 

“Come here, sweetie” Loki said, unfolding the blanket.

He wound the blanket round Peter, wrapping him up like a babe in swaddling clothes, and sat down to hold him close. 

“I’ve got you. You’re ok”

Tony cuddled up to them, stroking Peter’s hair gently.

“My poor little boy. Shush now. We’ve got you”

-

They woke up feeling groggy, warmed by the late afternoon sun shining through the window. Tony sat up, rubbing his eyes.

“Dad?”

“Hm? What’s up, fella?”

“Am I in trouble?”

Tony looked at him. “You’ve done nothing wrong” 

He stood up, and Peter looked up at his worriedly.

“Where are you going?” he squeaked.

“I’m just going to get us all a drink. You stay with Loki, there’s a good lad”

Peter wriggled closer to Loki. He still had the blanket tight round him so couldn’t cling to him, so he buried his face in his chest instead.

-

Tony couldn’t help but laugh when he came back into the room, mugs balanced precariously in his hands, and saw Peter rubbing his nose against Loki’s chest.

“I think he’s trying to get in” he said, setting the mugs down. “Come here, kiddo”

He unwound the blanket to free Peter’s arms, sat him up, and handed him one of the mugs. He handed Loki another, and sat down with the third mug. They drank in silence for a little while. Peter was feeling very nervous and shaken up, and the comforting scent of the chai helped. He still couldn’t help feeling that something was going to happen.

“I want to see May”

Tony and Loki looked at each other.

“I know, sweetheart”

“Can we go tomorrow? There’s a nice florists by the library. We could take her some flowers”

Tony rested a hand on the boys back. “Of course we can”

“I’m so tired”

“I know”

Loki stood up. Peter looked at him.

“Are you ok? Where are you going?”

“Comfort break. Won’t be a minute”

Peter watched him go. He looked back at his mug.

“That’s a surgeons term. Did you know?”

Tony nodded. “Yeah” 

“May really loved him, you know”

“I know”

“And she really loved you too”

Tony paused, and slowly said; “I know”

-

At exactly five o’ clock, the doorbell rang. Loki paused at the top of the stairs, sighed, and slowly descended. He was too tired for this. He hoped it wasn’t anyone important. 

“Good evening, Mr Stark” Li Allen said brightly.

Loki stared at her, feeling very put out as the realisation hit.

“Were you not expecting me?”

Loki blinked. “I forgot. It’s been- well, it’s been one hell of a day”

“Is it not convenient?” she asked, swapping her briefcase to the other hand.

“No. Well, yes. Yes and no. Sorry. Here, come in”

Li did so, and Loki closed the door behind her.

“If you don’t mind me saying, sir, you look tired”

“Wait till you see my husband”

-

Peter looked up nervously.

“Good evening, Peter”

Peter looked at Tony.

“You remember Ms Allen, don’t you? From the hospital”

Peter did remember her. ‘ _We need to discuss what happens next_ ’.

“I’m sorry we haven’t had the chance to catch up since we met” Li Allen continued. “I know you were otherwise engaged on my previous visits”

This was true. On the first visit, he’d been hiding in the cleaning cupboard by the swimming pool so he wouldn’t have to see her. On her second visit, he’d been asleep. 

“Can I get you a drink at all?” Tony asked as the social worker took a seat.

“No. Thank you” she smiled. “Now, I understand you’ve had a difficult day?”

Tony handed her a set of notes. “You might want to see these”

Li read over the medical report slowly, taking in every word and every detail on the body map. Peter buried his face in Loki’s chest and pressed his hands over his ears so he wouldn’t have to listen to them. They talked for a long time, and even with his hands over his ears, Peter could sense the horrible atmosphere in the room. He had a horrible thought, that Ms Allen would see it as a fault on the Stark’s part, and he’d be taken away. 

“I don’t blame you for withdrawing him from the school” Ms Allen said. “I would have recommended it myself. Have you had any thoughts about what happens next?”

Loki held Peter tighter. “He needs some time to recover. We haven’t had time to think about anything else yet. It’s all happened so quickly”

“I understand. There’s no rush. He’s still mourning, and now he has something else to recover from. His mental health is important. Maybe organising a therapy session would be a good idea”

“He’d never agree to it” Tony said. “He’s gotten very defensive whenever we’ve brought up the idea. I don’t think it’d help if he was forced into it. I think he has to want it for it to help”

“Of course. Well, you know him far better than I do. Now, how are you managing? I know you said you were struggling when we talked over the phone, Mr Stark”

Tony nodded. “Having him full time… It never sounded like a scary thing before the accident. But he’s come to us in such horrible circumstances. I don’t always know how to comfort him. He needs so much looking after”

“It’s hard to juggle looking after him and ourselves. We’re all mourning” Loki said. “I don’t like knowing that I can’t make it better”

“We can’t change the past, unfortunately” Li said carefully. “Despite everything, I do believe Peter to be lucky. He can recover with people he knows and loves. I have seen countless children lose their families and go to foster families. Sometimes it works. Sometimes it doesn’t. Familiarity can make a huge difference. Home comforts, shared experiences. It’s all important”

Loki nodded most sincerely. “It’s something I remember the nurses saying when I was in hospital. They encouraged everything from clothing to music to shower gel, to all be what I was used to. They said it aided recovery. I know it’s completely different circumstances…”

“I can see the connection” Li said. “You were, in a way, taken away from everything you knew. A medical condition and grief are worlds apart, but they do have their similarities” She looked at Peter, who was still hiding from them. “Poor Peter. What do you think helps him?”

“He has his own belongings here” Tony said. “He stayed with us so much that he had quite a lot of his own things here already. I know he lost a hell of a lot, and a hell of a lot of important stuff, but he didn’t lose everything he owned. I think that was a relief for him”

“But he’s clinging to it a lot” Loki said. “He still hasn’t worn most of those clothes you bought. I don’t think he’s ready to move on just yet. This whole business at school hasn’t helped either. You can’t recover when you’re going through a whole other type of hurt

“I wish I could make it all ok” 

“The best thing you can do” Li said. “Is to be there for him. I know you’re hurting dreadfully too. I understand you were both very close to May. But that’s a benefit. You can all help each other. Peter just needs to work through everything first. He’ll get there. It might take a long time, but eventually, he’ll get better. But he needs help to do that”

Loki often tried to keep May out of his thoughts, but he allowed himself to think about her now, just for a moment. Just the memory of her laughter was enough to make his eyes water. Peter sensed something was wrong, and took his hands away from his ears, sitting back and looking up at Loki. 

“I’m ok” Loki said, kissing Peter’s forehead. 

“Peter, perhaps you and I could have a little chat?” Li suggested.

Peter stared at her, and then at Tony. “Have I done something wrong?”

“What? No, you’ve done nothing wrong”

“Why do you think you’re in trouble, Peter?” Li asked.

Peter came to his senses, shaking his head slightly. “Mr Stark always says we need to have a chat when I’m in trouble”

“Oh. I see. I’ll remember that one”

“Why?”

“So that I don’t accidentally make you nervous again by using it” she smiled at him. “Can we talk in private?”

Peter looked at Tony, who nodded at him. He looked at Loki.

“Yes, you can use the reading nook” Loki said, guessing what he was going to ask. “Go on”

-

Peter reluctantly untangled himself from the quilted blanket and took Ms Allen through to the room with Loki’s reading nook. He climbed up onto it, settling against the back wall and pulling a blanket over his legs. Ms Allen sat beside him, keeping a little distance so as not to crowd him.

“This is very cute”

“Mr Stark made it for Mr Loki. Years ago”

“Does Loki do a lot of reading?” she asked, looking at the bookshelves.

Peter nodded.

“Does he ever read to you?”

Peter nodded again. “Why do I have a social worker?”

“You’re vulnerable. Your circumstances are unorthodox. Your guardians need support. There’s a number of reasons. I know what you’re thinking” she said. “I know us social workers are seen as people who come in and take children away from their families. It’s not true, you know. That’s a last resort and frankly a rarity”

“Have you ever taken children away from their families?”

“Yes. Twelve times”

“How long have you been a social worker for?”

“Fourteen years now”

“How old are you?”

“Thirty six”

“Why did you become a social worker?”

Li smiled. “I had a brother when I was a kid. He had severe special needs. He passed away a long time ago, but we had a social worker when I was young. She was around a lot. She supported all of us, organised respite care, everything. Life was always tough, but after she started working with us, it became nearly easy. When I was eight I told her I wanted to be like her. And here I am”

“Do you choose who you work with?”

“It’s usually assigned to us”

“Why were you assigned to me?”

“I was on call the night we met. I work with the hospital safeguarding team a lot nowadays. They alerted me to your situation”

“Did you think you’d be taking me into foster care?”

Li nodded. “Yes. I was told you’d lost your home and guardian. My natural assumption was foster care. I had a foster family on standby just in case”

“How did you feel then? When Mr Stark said I’d be going home with him?”

“Relieved” she said, truthfully. “It’s always good to see kids staying with people they know”

“I thought family friends didn’t get a say in custody”

“It depends on the circumstances”

Peter thought for a moment. “So why did I come here?”

“The long-term pre-existing relationship was important, and seeing you with them. Besides, even though it wasn’t legal, there was the type of custody agreement between your aunt and the Starks-”

“Every Wednesday and every second weekend”

“Yes. It was discussed further at the office with them, when we assigned the guardianship over to them officially”

“I wasn’t there”

“No. They left you with Loki’s brother, I’m told”

Peter nodded, and went quiet. Loki and Tony had kept all the legal proceedings mostly to themselves, but Peter had read all the letters. 

“Have you ever had three people telling you off in three different ways at the same time?”

Li blinked a bit. “I can’t say I have”

“It didn’t happen often. May and the Stark’s had different styles of dealing with me when I was in trouble”

“How did you feel about the custody agreement between those three?”

“I liked it”

-

_Peter could feel himself blushing as the door opened. He couldn’t help feeling a little bit mortified._

_“May. What are you doing here?” Tony asked, his eyes darting between her and Peter. “Has something happened?”  
_

_“We need to talk”  
_

_“Oh. You’d better come in”  
_

_-_

_“You know I don’t object to him being here, but it can’t be on his terms” May said.  
_

_“He’s naughty” Loki said, stirring his tea. “He says he’s told you, or that he’s going to, and never does”  
_

_“I just forget” Peter said.  
_

_“Be quiet: the adults are talking” Tony said, turning back to May. “I love having him. But I agree with you. If he neglects to tell you, and leaves you worrying, we need to sort something out”  
_

_Peter put his head down on the breakfast bar. May worried too much. Ok, admittedly, he had went round to the Stark’s without telling her on a number of occasions, and then been met with worried phone calls. It was starting to become a regular thing. He just got so absorbed in what was going on at the Stark’s that he forgot to send her a text to tell her where he was. And then she’d be pacing the flat not knowing where he was, waiting for him to get home from school. Which was why she’d finally put her foot down, given him a good telling off, and dragged him over to talk it out with Tony and Loki properly._

_“This is so embarrassing” he mumbled.  
_

_Loki laughed, ruffling his hair. “It’s your own fault. You can’t go worrying poor May like that”_

_Peter sighed and went quiet. He stayed with his head down for quite a while, listening to them putting across point after point, suggestion after suggestion. It was getting tiring. Eventually Loki trailed off, bored. He tickled Peter’s neck, and the boy squeaked and leapt up, jumping at him._

_“Hey, watch it, you little beast!” Loki said, standing up. “Get off!”_

_“Never!” Peter grinned, hanging off Loki’s back, his arms about the God’s neck._

_Tony glared at them, but May burst out laughing. She shook her head fondly._

_“He’s so happy when he’s here. I couldn’t take that away from him”  
_

_Tony tore his eyes away from the wrestling, pulling the calendar towards them again.  
_

_“Let’s go over the days again”  
_

_-_

_Loki pinned Peter down on the floor and pinned his wrists above his head._

_“I have a suggestion” he said, tickling Peter mercilessly.  
_

_Peter shrieked and tried to kick him, with little success._

_“I’m listening” May and Tony said, resting their chins in their hands and looking at him.  
_

_“Every Wednesday” Loki said, slapping Peter’s kicking legs. “And every second weekend. That way, he sees us every week, May gets a bit of time to do her own thing, but still has him some weekends to do anything they want to do together”  
_

_Tony and May looked at each other. “That could work”_

_“It doesn’t have to be set in stone” Loki said. “We could move it about if there’s anything on the calendar or whatever. But as a guide”  
_

_May looked at Tony. “That works for me”_

_“Sounds good to me” Tony said. “What do you think, Peter?”_

_“I’ll agree to anything, just so long as you get your husband off me!”  
_

_He was in a fit of the giggles and had given up trying to fight Loki off. Tony laughed, standing up and putting his hands on Loki’s shoulders. Loki obediently released Peter and let Tony make him stand up._

_“There. So it’s agreed” Tony said._

_Loki grabbed him and kissed him. Tony laughed and kissed him back, planting little kisses over his cheek and neck._

_“You’re getting over-excited” Tony teased, pushing him down into a chair and hugging him from behind.  
_

_May stood over Peter. “Are you getting up at some point today?”_

_Peter shrugged and held a hand out for her to help him to his feet._

_“So, as I was saying” Tony said. “If it’s agreed, let’s put it into force starting next week”  
_

_May nodded, giving Peter a quick squeeze. “Good, then it’s sorted”_

_Peter looked at all three of them and grinned._

_-_

“Now, you’ve played twenty questions with me” Li said. “Can I have a turn?”

Peter nodded.

“How are you coping?”

“I’m not”

“Ok. I thought as much”

“Why?”

“Because of what I’ve been told, and because, out of all of the children I work with, you’re the only one who has never rang me. Do you still have my number?”

Peter nodded. Her business card was on his bedside table, and had been since the night of the accident. 

“You know how, in films and stuff, people say they feel broken, and it just sounds like a bad metaphor, like an unbelievable cliche?”

Li nodded.

“It’s the only word I can think of to use”

Li squeezed his shoulder. 

“Am I weak?”

“Are Loki and Tony weak?”

“No”

“Well then”

“They’re mourning”

“Yes”

“They kept trying to make me watch DVDs at first” Peter said. “I’d always refuse to choose, so they chose for me. Usually Loki. They’ve got a lot of Disney films. They first put one on for me three days after it happened. Loki put on Oliver and Company. I don’t think he knew what it was about”

“Did you watch it?”

“The opening song made me cry. I couldn’t stop for ages and ages. I’d missed loads by the time I’d calmed down enough to turn it off. I was really angry for those first few days after the funeral”

“Why did you feel so angry?”

“Because it was so unfair. And I couldn’t read my speech. Mr Stark had to do it for me. So I was angry at myself. So I shouted a lot. So Mr Loki kept trying to calm me down but that made me angry too. I took it out on him a lot”

“Was he with you more than Tony?”

Peter nodded. “Mr Stark had work to do. Loki tried. I kept getting angry”

“Did you get into trouble?”

“Once. I saw them kissing and I didn’t get it. Cos I was hurting so much and it felt wrong that they could do something like that at a  _time_ like that. So I shouted at them. And Mr Stark got defensive and Mr Loki got upset with me and I called him a slut and Mr Stark shouted at me and sent me to my room”

“Did you feel any better for doing that?”

Peter shook his head. “They all loved each other, you know”

“I understand they were close friends”

“Sometimes we’d all be here together and it’d be like we were all a family. But it split into two families too. I had May and me at home. And then here it was me and Mr Loki and Mr Stark”

“Are you calling him Mr Loki for my sake?”

Peter shook his head again. “I’ve always called him that. It was just the first thing I said to him. He never liked his surname before, you know. He was thrilled when he got married and changed his name. Sometimes I just call him Loki. I’ve called him dad a few times recently too. I call Mr Stark dad sometimes too. It just slips out. It feels natural”

“Did you used to call them dad before the accident?”

“No. Not Mr Loki, anyway. But I did call Mr Stark dad. At first it was an accident. But then it just became another name for him. He hasn’t done it much recently, but if I went up and said dad, he’d reply with ‘yes, son?’. That always made me feel good”

“Pet names are nice things to have” Li said. “Are they both affectionate with you?”

Peter nodded. “Mr Stark always said Mr Loki needs his cuddles. He gives good hugs. He calls me sweetie. They both call me sweetheart and darling and chick. Mr Stark calls me kid and kiddo and fella. He calls Mr Loki Lolly”

“I’ve heard that one being used” Li nodded. “Do you know where it came from?”

Peter nodded. He’d been told the story a few times. “Mr Stark was making a big fuss of him once, when they’d just started dating. He was calling him silly names and stuff, and slipped out with Loki-Ice-Lolly. The Lolly bit stuck. I asked Mr Loki if he minded, and he said he didn’t. He thought it was cute”

“It is cute” 

Peter went quiet, thinking. 

“I’ve always liked hugging them” he said after a while. “But sometimes I feel like I really need it”

“There’s a lot to be said for physical reassurance”

Peter looked at her. She seemed a lot softer now than she had at the hospital. She’d listened to him properly. She hadn’t made him feel awkward for confiding in her. She was a safe person, he could tell.

“Am I allowed to hug you?”

She smiled at him. “Of course you are”

She moved closer and wrapped her arms around him. He hugged her back, and felt a strong surge of emotion. He held her tighter, burying his face in her shoulder, closing his eyes and breathing in deeply. Feeling his tears on her neck, and having experienced this many times before, Li sighed a silent, sympathetic sigh.

“Same perfume?” she guessed.

“Yeah…”

He squeezed his eyes tight shut, and imagined for a moment that he was in May’s arms. Before the accident, this perfume never would have stood out to him, but now it was instantly recognisable. For a moment he felt slightly better - and then all at once, so much worse. 

“Oh sweetheart” she rubbed his back and shaking shoulders. “I know, I know”

“I’ve got nothing left..!” he cried. “I’ve got nothing to remember her by”

“You’ve got your memories” Li said. “And no one can ever take those from you. They’re more valuable than anything else could ever be”

-

Peter felt like a weight had been lifted when they rejoined Tony and Loki. Peter sat between them, and they automatically moved to hug him.

“Ok?”

Peter nodded. Li Allen watched them. For the moment at least, they looked perfectly comfortable and happy with each other. She knew they were all finding it incredibly hard, but she believed in them.

“Give him some time” she said gently. “Let him build up some strength before you start looking into education. You’ve got my number. Please use it. Use the helpline. Talk to each other. It will get better”

-

Peter was awake early on Tuesday morning. He sat at the top of the stairs, watching as the sun came up and shone through the stained glass atop the front door, bathing the foyer in multicoloured light. 

Loki sat down beside him. 

“Is Mr Stark awake?”

“Yes. He’s putting the kettle on”

“What time are we going?”

“Whenever you’re ready. Florists always open early. We don’t have to wait unless you want to”

-

Peter felt very hollow as he looked down at the mound of Earth. There was a healthy amount of fresh flowers on it already, which surprised him.

“We both visit” Loki said, squeezing his shoulder.

Peter nodded. He knelt down, laying his own flowers down carefully. 

“When can she have a headstone?”

“Not yet, sweetheart” Tony said. “The ground needs to settle. It’ll be another six months”

Loki knelt down beside him, putting an arm round his shoulder and resting his head against Peter’s. Tony did the same on his other side. They all looked at the Earth, at the flowers, and at the temporary grave marker. 

“You saw her at the hospital, didn’t you?”

Tony swallowed. “Yes”

“How did she look?”

Tony paused. He couldn’t tell him the whole truth. “Like she was asleep”

“When she died… was she in pain?”

“The ambulance crew said she was unconscious when they found her. She wouldn’t have known”

“I got knocked out. I didn’t know what had happened until I woke up”

Tony held him tighter, taking a deep breath. His throat hurt. 

“Black or white?” Loki said.

“Black” Peter answered. “With gold lettering”

Peter found their free hands and held them tight. He had tears dripping down his cheeks, and he knew that they did too. 

“She loved you”

“She loved you more” Loki said.

“It’s a different kind of love” 

“I know you don’t like thinking about this” Peter said to Loki. “I don’t either. But you should anyway. We shouldn’t forget her”

“I could never forget her. She was… she was one of a kind. I loved her dearly. You know that”

“She thought you were both mad”

“As a box of frogs” Loki and Tony said, nodding. She’d told them as much many times.

“She loved that about you. She loved everything about you”

They squeezed his hands tight, the morning breeze sending a chill down their spines. 

“She had so much love to give”

“And give it, she did”

*

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm really proud of how this chapter turned out. It turned out to come across as such a perfect ending that it's almost a shame I have such important plans for the rest of this work! All reviews welcomed and encouraged!


	11. It’s Been A Very Long Day / What Are Afternoons?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Loki is ill, and talks of school make Peter feel likewise.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (I couldn't decide on a title, so there's two)
> 
> Bit of a filler chapter tbh? 
> 
> Anyone fancy hazarding a guess on the connection in the chapter titles yet?

-

Wednesday saw the household fall into heavy fatigue. Tony was exhausted by the weeks events. Peter was suddenly struck down with pain and a light fever and wanted to do nothing but lie still and be fussed over. Loki was hit by the start of another M.E flare-up that left him necking coffee and Red Bull in a futile attempt to stay awake to look after Peter. 

Looking after Peter was hard. He was in a lot of pain emotionally and physically, and his nightmares were worse than ever. Tony worked from home to be around, but he was busy and stressed and found it hard to make himself fully available. He didn’t approve of Loki loading up on caffeine, but since having him awake meant the workload was shared, he let him continue. 

- 

By Saturday night, Loki was well and truly out of it. Even Peter broke out of his depression enough to notice and get worried. 

“’m fine” Loki mumbled, fixing himself another mug of instant coffee. 

‘Horrible stuff’ he thought. 

“I think you need to rest, Lolly” Tony said, taking his mug from him. 

“I need to look after Peter…" 

"You can’t look after him when you’re like this” Tony said. “Look, darling, you’ve been brilliant all week, but you’ve pushed yourself too hard. Don’t worry about the kid: I’ll take care of him" 

Loki frowned, trying hard to fight that horrible familiar hot-and-fuzzy feeling that made the whole world feel quite unreal. 

"Tony, don’t fuss. I’m ok" 

He tried to take his mug back, but Tony held it out of his reach. 

"Come on now, you’re upsetting the kid” Tony said, glancing over at Peter, who was watching them nervously from the breakfast bar. “You’re relapsing. Go to sleep”

“I’ve got stuff to do" 

"You’re a stubborn old git, I’ll give you that. Come on” he put an arm round his shoulders. “Time to admit defeat”

Loki whined. He knew Tony was right. 

- 

He let himself be guided to his room. He flopped down on his side on the bed. He felt hot, and the room felt like it was spinning. Tony kissed his cheek, and he stopped fighting it. He was asleep within seconds. Tony tucked him in carefully and turned round. He was surprised to find Peter stood biting his thumb in the doorway. 

“He’ll be fine in a few days” Tony said gently. 

“Does it hurt?" 

Tony paused. "It’s not nice seeing him like this”

“No, I mean for him. The M.E. Does it hurt?" 

"I don’t think so. It’s just very unpleasant" 

“Isn’t there anything they can do?”

Tony shrugged. “CBT, mainly, but Loki didn’t get any benefit out of it. He thinks that mindfulness stuff is all rubbish. I think he’s right”

“So what do they suggest?”

“Not much. They tell him he shouldn’t sleep excessively, but he can’t help it when he gets like this. He needs to rest or he just gets worse and worse”

Peter took Tony’s hand. “I’ll help look after him”

“No, sweetheart, you keep your distance. He’s best left alone”

- 

Peter had spent much of the week clinging to Loki like a limpet, and now that he was out of action, he felt a little bit lost. He went to bed early on Saturday, and slept late. When he got up, he went to Loki’s room. He was asleep, as was to be expected, so Peter wandered off to find Tony, remembering how he’d told him to stay away. 

"Hello, chick” Tony said as Peter climbed onto his lap. “How are you doing today?" 

Peter didn’t respond. He was perfectly miserable and Tony knew it. He looked at Tony’s laptop. He was looking at clothes. 

"I’m up to date with my work for the moment” he said, noticing Peter looking. “Thought I’d have a little look on here" 

"You’ve got loads of clothes" 

"Yes, but I could always have more" 

"You don’t need more”

“I want more though" 

"Why?" 

Tony shrugged. "I like clothes" 

"Are you gonna home-school me?" 

Tony laughed. "No chance! I’m not teacher material. I wouldn’t have the time anyway, not with my work" 

"Loki could do it" 

"Loki’s smart as they come, but somehow I don’t think he’s teacher material either” he imagined Loki frowning over a secondary school syllabus. “No, you’ll have to go to school" 

"Which school?" 

Tony sighed. "I don’t know, kid. I haven’t really thought about it properly yet. We’ll see" 

"Can I go back to Midtown Tech?" 

"You know the answer to that one" 

Peter sighed, resting his head against Tony’s shoulder. 

"Why don’t you get in touch with Ned again? Maybe you could meet up. It might do you good" 

Peter didn’t say anything. Ned’s messages were becoming few and far between, and it was Peter’s own fault for never replying. It wasn’t that Peter didn’t  _want_  to talk to him: it was just that he could never think of what to say. He sighed and slid off Tony’s lap. 

"Where are you going, kid?" 

Peter shrugged and wandered off. 

- 

Tony sat down beside Peter and the mop buckets. 

"What are you doing down here, kiddo?" 

Peter shrugged. He was surprised that Tony had come to look for him, and even more surprised that he’d found him. 

"Come on, you need to come back upstairs" 

"I’m fine here" 

"That wasn’t a suggestion, kiddo” Tony stood up, holding a hand out to him. “Come on" 

"I could’ve saved her, you know" 

"What?” Tony’s hand dropped. 

“I only went to get my charger. My phone was on 83%. If I wasn’t so paranoid about my phone battery, I would’ve been in the same room when it happened. I could’ve saved her" 

"It’s not your fault, pet. You know that" 

"I could’ve saved her" 

"You don’t know that" 

"I do" 

"You had no idea what was going to happen that night. You can’t blame yourself” he held his hand out again. “Come on" 

Peter looked at him but didn’t move. Tony sighed. 

"Peter, come on" 

"Fuck off" 

"Don’t  _speak_  to me like that! Last chance" 

Peter didn’t move. Tony sighed irritably, grabbing him under the arms and hauling him to his feet. He put an arm firmly round his waist.

"Upstairs. Now" 

- 

Peter stayed face down on the sofa for a long time. He felt betrayed. He couldn’t believe Tony was so cruel as to still want him to go to school after what had happened. It wasn’t good and it wasn’t fair. 

After about an hour, Tony gave the boy a shake. 

"You need to eat" 

”’m not hungry" Peter mumbled into the cushion. 

“That’s beside the point. You need the strength. You’ll never recover otherwise”

“I said ’m not hungry" 

"Tough. Now sit up" 

Peter whined but did so, and Tony plonked a tray down on his lap. 

"Eat. I’ll be keeping an eye on you, so don’t even think about binning it" 

"I’m not hungry" 

"For gods sake Peter, just  _eat_  will you? You’ll feel a whole lot worse if you don’t”

“I want Mr Loki" 

"Well Mr Loki needs to be left alone” Tony said firmly.

“But I want to see him!" 

” _Not_  until you’ve eaten your lunch" 

“It’s not fair”

“It’s not raining either" 

- 

Peter gave in and ate, although it was hard going. He couldn’t really taste anything. He started to feel a bit sick. 

"Good boy” Tony said, taking the tray from him when he’d finished. 

“Can I go and see Mr Loki now then?" 

"Hold on a minute. I’ll sort this out and then we’ll go and see if he’s ok for visitors" 

- 

Peter clung to Tony in the kitchen, whining and badgering and being as annoying as possible. 

"Peter, you do realise that being a pest is only slowing me down, right?" 

Peter tugged at his arm. "Hurry up! You’re taking forever" 

Tony went even slower just to prove a point. He eventually finished tidying, and took Peter to Loki’s room, making him stand outside in the corridor while he went in. Peter stood against the wall, fidgeting and bouncing impatiently. He pounced at Tony when he came back into the hallway. 

"So..?" 

"Sorry, kiddo. He’s just not up to it”  

“But you said I could see him!“ Peter pouted. 

"Peter, be reasonable! He’s poorly. Now don’t you dare go disturbing him" 

Peter folded his arms over his chest and looked at the floor. Tony sighed, reaching into his pocket. 

"Here" 

"What?" 

"Take all my shrapnel” Tony said, dropping a load of coins into Peter’s hand. “Go and buy yourself some sweets or something" 

"Oh. Um…" 

"Fresh air will do you good. Put your shoes and coat on, and go" 

Peter sighed and did as he was told.

- 

He counted the money in his hand as he walked down the road to the shop on the corner. $8.53. Well, he’d definitely be able to get a bottle of pop and some sweets with that. The thing was, he didn’t really want anything. He spent a long time looking at the sweets in the corner shop, but nothing really stood out to him. He had a sudden craving for the flying saucer sweets he’d had in England. Tony had bought him them offline fairly regularly after that holiday, but as far as he knew, they didn’t have any at the house. 

"Are you going to stand there all day?” the shopkeeper snapped. 

Peter narrowed his eyes and left the shop just to spite him. 

- 

Peter trudged along with his hands in his pockets. He knew Tony wouldn’t want him back at the house for a little while yet. He supposed he could go to the library, but he wasn’t sure if it was open on Sundays. There wasn’t really anything to do. 

A thought suddenly dawned on him. ‘ _He’s trying to get rid of me_ ’.

Peter turned on his heel, heading back towards the house. Tony wasn’t going to get rid of him that easily.

-

‘ _Too bad for the gay revolution_  
This is as far as we get  
And if you think you’re free, well listen to me  
You ain’t seen nothing yet’

Tony winced at the music shaking the walls. He threw his phone down and stormed off to Peter’s room, throwing the door open.

“Peter! Turn that down!”

Peter glared at him and turned the volume up. 

“Don’t get smart with me, young man!” Tony snapped. “Turn it down! You  _know_ Loki’s sleeping”

Peter lounged back, scrolling through the tracklist and selecting ‘2-4-6-8 Motorway’. Tony wasn’t in the mood to play games. He marched over, turned the speakers off and snatched the music player from the boy.

“Hey! I was listening to that!” Peter protested. “Give it back!” 

“This is Loki’s” Tony said, glancing at the MP3. “Did you pinch it from his drawer?”

“Well, he’s not using it, is he?”

“That’s completely besides the point!”

Peter folded his arms over his chest and pouted. “I only wanted to listen to a bit of music”

“No, you wanted to wind me up” Tony said, unplugging the little speakers and picking them up.

“Hey! Those are mine!”

“Consider them confiscated”

“What?! That’s not fair! Hey, where are you going? I’m talking to you!”

-

Peter spent a little while sulking and trying to think of what to do next. He wandered around aimlessly, thinking of Loki. When was Loki happiest? ‘ _Next to Tony_ ’ was his immediate answer. But there was definitely something else that made Loki happy - giddily happy. 

Peter stopped by the liquor cabinet. All of Loki’s favourite’s were at the front - Kraken and Archers and Amaretto, looking quite tempting. The mini fridge at the bottom was full of mixer cans - Peter knew this for a fact. He was surprised to find the cabinet locked. He frowned, looking around - and spotted the edge of the keyring poking out over the top of the next shelving unit.

‘Idiots’ Peter thought, climbing the wall and retrieving the key with ease. He opened the cabinet, his hand hovering over the front three bottles. He thought about delving into the back to see what else they had, but, being Loki’s favourites, he supposed these ones must work best. He finally chose the Kraken. He’d had it before, a long time ago, mixed with coke. He didn’t want to water it down this time. He was miserable, and he wanted to  _stop_ feeling miserable as quickly as possible.

“Hey, what the hell do you think you’re doing!?”

Tony snatched the bottle from him, screwing the lid back on tight. Peter just looked at his hand where the bottle had been.

“How dare you? Go to your room!”

Peter looked up. “What? No! Why should I?”

“Because I said so! Now do as you’re told”

“I don’t  _want_ to! I’m sick of it here! There’s never anything to do”

“Oh don’t be so ridiculous” Tony replaced the rum in the cabinet and locked it, putting the key in his pocket. “You’re being difficult on purpose. The sooner we find you a school, the better”

“I’m not going to school and you can’t make me!”

“You have to go to school, Peter. You know that”

“No! Not after what happened”

“It won’t happen again”

“How would you know? You thought  _that_ place was good for me, and you were wrong. What makes you think I’d go anywhere that you choose after that?”

Tony gave him an exasperated look. “Give it a rest, kid”

“ _You_ give it a rest”

“I think you’re over-tired. Go and lie down”

“Over tire- I’m not three! I don’t need a nap”

“Stop being such a baby”

“Stop fucking treating me like one then!”

“PETER!” 

Peter flinched a little at his shout. Tony pretended not to notice.

“I’m going to give you a choice” he said. “You either go to your room, or you come and sit in the office where I can keep an eye on you”

Peter folded his arms over his chest. “I’m not going to my room”

-

Peter had never liked Tony’s office. It was all dark wood and leather-bound books and low lighting. It always felt sinister. He sat on the big leather sofa feeling like something was about to jump out at him.

“Don’t you do BDSM stuff in here?”

Tony sighed, not looking up. “Shut up, Peter”

Peter sat kicking his heel against the sofa. “Can I change my answer?”

“Nope”

Peter huffed, kicking harder. 

“Stop it” Tony said sharply. 

Peter kicked harder still.

“Oh for the love of- what’s the matter with you today?”

“I want Mr Loki”

“For god’s sake Peter!” Tony slammed his fist down on the desk. “You know full well he’s sick. Now stop being so deliberately difficult and just sit still and behave yourself for once in your life!”

Peter promptly burst into tears, and Tony suddenly felt dreadful. 

“Peter?” he stood up. “Hey, chick, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to snap”

Peter buried his face in his hands. Tony put his arms round him, and Peter squirmed and struggled.

“Hey, shh, don’t be like that”

“Leave me alone!” Peter pushed him away. 

Tony sighed. “I’m trying to help here”

“I don’t want your help! I want Loki”

“Peter, be reasonable”

“Why should I?!” he shouted, standing up. “I’m going!”

“Don’t you dare wake him up”

“I’ll do what I want!”

“What you want is a good smack, young man” Tony said. “Now either sit back down or go to your room”

Peter made sure to slam the office door as hard as he could behind him.

-

Loki was in a brief state of wakefulness when Peter slipped into his room.

“Are you ok?” Peter asked, kneeling on the floor by the bed.

“I’ve been better” Loki mumbled.

“Still the M.E?”

Loki nodded. Peter squeezed his hand. 

“You’re hot. Have you got a fever?”

“I don’t know. It always feels like this”

“What does it feel like?”

Loki sighed, shifting position slightly. “Like I’m wrapped in an electric blanket, and haven’t slept for six months”

“Is it painful?”

“It’s not very comfortable” his eyelids started drooping again. “I get a lot of pain anyway, so I don’t really know…”

“Can I stay with you?”

“Please. It can get very lonely here”

Peter climbed into bed, snuggling up against him. “Are you ever gonna get completely better?”

“I doubt it. The doctors say there’s no way of telling. It’s just a mild form anyway, they say”

Peter looked at him. “This is  _mild_?” 

He’d seen Loki relapse plenty of times before, and he’d seen how much it affected him, and how much Tony worried. And May. But even out of flare-ups, Loki usually had to sleep in the afternoons anyway. Peter didn’t know how anyone could call it ‘mild’.

“It’s not a nice condition” Loki mumbled, putting an arm round Peter.

Loki fell asleep again while Peter was trying to think of something else to say to him. 

-

Peter checked the clock when he woke up. He’d been asleep for nearly three hours. Loki was still fast asleep, and showed no signs of waking up any time soon. 

Peter stayed where he was for a while. It soon grew uncomfortably hot, and he carefully slipped out from under Loki’s arm and left his room, closing the door carefully behind him.

-

Peter knocked on the office door and pushed it open. Tony frowned at him.

“What do you want?”

Peter swallowed. “I- I wanted to apologise”

Tony half-closed his laptop and nodded. Peter approached the desk, wringing his hands nervously.

“I’m sorry for winding you up. And for swearing at you. And for trying to steal alcohol. And for shouting and pushing you and blaming you for what happened with school”

Tony nodded but didn’t say anything. Peter couldn’t quite maintain eye contact.

“I don’t really know why I did all that stuff. I don’t really know how I’m feeling right now. I don’t really know how to manage it. But I feel bad about it. I really am sorry”

“Come here”

Peter did so anxiously. Tony pulled him down onto his lap and hugged him tight against his chest. 

“I understand, sweetheart. I don’t really know how I’m feeling right now either” he said. “Thank you for apologising”

“I know I’ve got to go to school. I’m just…” he rested his chin on Tony’s shoulder. “Scared, I guess”

“I know you are. I don’t blame you” he rubbed his back firmly. “I’m not going to send you yet. I think another two weeks, and then you’ll be ready… Peter, I’ve found a school I like the look of”

Peter froze.

“Now now, don’t get nervous. Here, turn round, and I’ll show you their website”

Peter did as he was asked. His heart was thumping in his chest. Tony opened his laptop and opened a bookmarked tab. 

“This one” he tilted the screen so Peter could see better.

‘St Hendricks School for Boys and Girls aged 11-18′ Peter read. He frowned, his eyes darting over the page - and he startled when he noticed a link titled ‘boarding’. It seemed his earlier fears had been confirmed.

“Boarding school?! But, b-b-but I don’t want to leave you! Oh please, Mr Stark, I know I’ve been bad but please don’t send me away!” he burst into floods of tears. “You’re trying to get rid of me!

“Hey, hey hey hey, shh” Tony held him tight so he couldn’t escape. “Calm down. The boarding house is just an optional extra, and not one I was considering! I’m not going to send you away, and I’m definitely not trying to get rid of you!”

“You promise?” Peter said through his tears.

“I promise. It’s only a ten minute drive away anyway, so boarding would be a bit silly anyway”

“I don’t like the idea of boarding” Peter said, starting to calm down.

“Me neither. You know, they have a sister school, for children aged three to ten. Imagine that! What’s the point in having a kid if you’re gonna send it to boarding school at aged three? Mad, don’t you think?”

Peter nodded. “They’d never know their families. I think I read that some boarding schools are all year round and some kids never go home”

“That’s not fair on the kid” Tony said, drying Peter’s eyes with his sleeve. “Dearie me, you and your leaky faucet. Stop crying now”

“I am stopped. Nearly”

“Good. Here, look at this” he brought up a slideshow of photographs showing the inside of the school. 

“It looks like Hogwarts”

Tony laughed slightly. “I suppose it does”

Peter frowned. “They’ve got those old desks that lift up”

“They’ve got great facilities, by the looks of it. Full technology centre, arts centre, theatre. They’ve got a pool too. It doesn’t  _all_ look so Victorian. But I like that old look. Proper school”

Peter didn’t want to look at the photos anymore. He put his hand on the laptop and closed it. Tony sighed silently and gave him a squeeze.

“We’ll talk about it again in a week or so. Ok?”

Peter shook his head. 

“I know you’re scared, kiddo. We’ll find you somewhere though. Somewhere you fit”

“That’s a fee paying school, isn’t it?”

“Well, yes-”

“I wouldn’t fit in there. It’ll be full of rich people”

“They offer scholarships” Tony said. “So it won’t  _all_ be rich people. And so what if it was? Technically, you’re a rich person now too”

“I wasn’t the one that earnt that money”

“You sound like Loki. ‘My husband is the billionaire’. That’s what he says” Tony shook his head. “He’s my family, so I say the whole household holds my status”

Peter swallowed. “Um, Mr Stark? You know you’re rich..?”

“Yes?”

“Well. Um. You know how music helps you figure things out sometimes?”

“What are you getting at, chick? Don’t beat about the bush”

“Can I- can I have a new music player? Please? Mine was in the flat, you see, so…”

Tony gave him a squeeze. “Sure thing kiddo” He sat forwards, opening his laptop and opening the internet again. “Let’s see what we can find”

-

Peter went to the reading nook and found the book Loki had read him after the accident. He skipped straight ahead to when they were at the foundling hospital, flicking through scenes of strict matrons and uniforms and regimes, reading over again how the protagonist was picked on by those in authority as well as by the other kids, how they were locked in an attic, the boys threatened with whips, canes used. He knew this was a Victorian concept, but aside from Hogwarts, he couldn’t think of any other private schools in literature. He’d have to ask Loki.

He looked online and found that corporal punishment was still legal in private schools, and his blood ran cold. If his last school was anything to go by, he’d undoubtedly get picked on if he ended up at this private school too - and he didn’t know how he’d cope with being hit by a  _teacher_. 

He felt sick. He didn’t want to go to some posh school full of sneering upper-middle-class and upper-class kids. Even if he was technically a billionaire now, he knew he was also just some kid from Queens. ‘Proper grim’, that’s how Queens had been described. People in his own social class loathed him, as Ryan had so pointedly proved, so how would people born with a silver spoon in their mouths react to him? Badly, he guessed.

He wasn’t going to go to that school. Tony would just have to find another one. Peter put the book back on the shelf and vowed that he wouldn’t go down without a fight. If he had to go to school, it had to be on his own terms.

*


	12. My Best Mistake

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Loki finds something for Peter while sorting out his room. Coincidentally, May’s place of work gets in touch, and they have something for Peter too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I need to stop™

-

Loki was hit with a short burst of energy, which he used to sort out one of his bedroom cabinets, which had grown gradually more and more cluttered over the past few months. 

It was just the usual stuff; wrappers and pens and notebooks and wrapped sweets. He was sorting things into their proper places when a glimmer of silver caught his eye. He stopped, moved a trinket dish aside, and beneath it, found a locket on a silver chain. He recognised it at once, and opened it to look at the little angel charm inside. He felt odd, a little sick and nervous. He heard footsteps approaching.

“Tony?”

Tony opened the door. “Hey sweetheart. I didn’t expect you to be up”

“Tony, look at this”

Tony went over to him, peering at the locket. He was quiet for a moment.

“Where did you get that?”

“It was just here, on the dresser” Loki said, turning the locker over in his hands. “What should we do with it?”

“Give it to Peter” Tony said. “It’s only fair”

Loki paused, sighed, and nodded.

-

Peter looked up when the bedroom door opened. He was sat on the floor, lining up all his cuddly toys just for something to do. 

“Are you better now?” he asked.

Loki nodded slightly. “Getting there. Now… I’ve got something for you”

Peter stopped what he was doing, moving to sit on the bed. Loki sat beside him and put the locket in his hand. Peter looked at it, turning it over in his hands, opening it to look at the angel, remembering it round May’s neck.

“She must have left it here when she stayed over some time” Loki said. 

“She loved this necklace…” he was quiet for a moment. “Are you sure I can keep it?”

“Of course. She’d want you to have it” 

“I saw you kissing her once" 

Loki stopped. "Oh yes?" 

"When I was ill that time, and you came round and bought me a big bottle of lucozade and sat reading to me until I fell asleep” Peter said. “I got up later on to get some water, and I saw you in the living room" 

"I see" 

"Does Mr Stark know?" 

Loki nodded. "Yes" 

"How did he react when he found out?" 

”… He was ok about it" 

Peter nodded. 

“Hey, Mr Loki? You look tired. Are you gonna go back to sleep?”

“Yes. In a bit”

Peter kept looking at the locket, touching the floral carving on its surface carefully. “I think I want to be alone anyway”

-

Peter hung the locket carefully on a hook by the sink in his room and there it stayed.

Two days later Tony got a phone call, which made him go very twitchy and awkward while he was taking it. Peter watched him, and once he’d put the receiver down, he went over to him.

“Are you ok?” 

Tony looked for a moment as though he was staring straight through him, but then his eyes focused and he looked at him properly.

“I’ve just got to go and pick something up” he said. “You stay here. Be good for Loki; he’s still a little fragile. I won’t be too long”

-

Peter wandered off to his room for a little lie down. He woke up again to the sound of the front door a while later. He waited, and sure enough, there was soon a knock on his bedroom door. 

“Hi” he said, propping himself up on his elbow.

Tony pushed the door open, and he and Loki came into the room.

“Peter” Tony said gently. “We’ve got something for you”

Peter looked at the cardboard office box he was carrying, and sat up slowly. He gave Tony a questioning look.

“May’s work got in touch” Tony said. “It took them a while to track you down. This is her’s. The stuff she left at work”

He set the box down beside Peter on the bed.

“Have you looked in it?” 

“No” Tony shook his head. “Her colleagues boxed everything. You should open it; it’s only right”

“You don’t have to open it yet” Loki said. “Not if you don’t want to”

“No, I do”

Peter looked at the box. He wasn’t sure what to expect. He pulled it onto his lap and lifted the lid. The box was neatly packed. On top was a gold photo frame, with a picture of him and May in it. He hesitated for a moment, and propped the frame up against the lamp on his bedside table. Tony squeezed his shoulder.

“We’ll leave you to it, sweetheart”

-

Peter took his time looking through the box. Some of it was the boring office stuff he expected - a pencil case and calculator and little organiser of stationary. But, it wasn’t all that. There was a mug, patterned with Van Gogh’s Starry Night. Peter had never visited May at work, but he guessed this must be what she kept in the staff kitchen. 

He came across a ring-bound notebook. It wasn’t anything special from the outside, but as he flicked through it, he came across lots of photographs. Some with him, some with people he didn’t know, and some with Loki and Tony. A makeshift photo album, of sorts. They were mostly candid, affectionate photographs, with May’s familiar swirly writing underneath, date-marking and identifying everyone in the photos. Peter carefully closed the notebook and moved it aside.

He found a shirt in the box, which he found a little odd. He hadn’t known she kept spare clothes at work. He lifted the shirt to his nose. It still smelt like her. He breathed it in until he couldn’t smell anymore, and set it down with the rest of the things from the box. He was finding it incredibly hard not to cry. He was sad, yes, but also relieved. He had something to remember her by now, something other than his memories.

-

The last thing in the box was a red leather diary, A5 size, and very thick. A funny thing to keep at work, Peter thought. Peter spent a long while looking at the cover, not sure whether or not it was right to open it. These were all of May’s private thoughts, after all. But, with her gone, it was the only chance he had to hear what she had to say again. 

He opened it to the first page.

‘ _It was the wedding today. Peter surprised me again by choosing the perfect first dance song_ ’ 

‘Oh wow’ Peter thought. This book went back quite a long way then. It was a little surprising, really. 

Peter flicked through the book at random. He didn’t feel right to sit down and read whole chunks. She talked about him a lot, and about work, and about the Stark’s. Her writing was pin-neat, with very few mistakes, all of which were crossed out neatly. It was almost like an essay.

‘ _The boss keeps raising the quotas. I don’t know how he expects us to achieve them without the proper facilities_ ’

‘ _I do trust Tony, but it still worries me when Peter goes out in his Spiderman suit. I know there’s no stopping him, and I know Tony keeps an eye on him, but I worry that one day he’ll come back with more than just cuts and scrapes_ ’

‘ _Tony might be a genius, but he’s also an idiot_ ’

Peter read various snippets of text, some which made him almost laugh, and many that made him pause to wipe tears away. May had always seemed to sure of herself, and even her private writing showed that it may be true.

He skipped ahead to a year ago. Here, a lot of the writing seemed to be about Loki and Tony. He was just skim-reading, catching names and snippets.

‘ _Loki came round again tonight_ ’

 _‘Had fun with Tony_ ’

‘ _Saw the Stark’s while Peter was at school and I was off work_ ’

Peter’s heart was thumping, and he didn’t quite know why. Perhaps it was guilt, for reading May’s diary. ‘Just one more page’, he thought.

‘ _Played with Loki again tonight. Tony was supposed to join us, but he’d promised Peter he’d take him out. Still, we had fun, as we always do. Loki never fails to make me laugh. I don’t think he even realises he’s being funny half the time. Speaking of funny, I often think it’s odd how I used to keep a tally of how many times I’d slept with each of them-_ ’

Peter dropped the book like it was red-hot. A dreadful hot feeling filled his chest and swelled in his stomach. He could feel his heart beating, hear his pulse in his ears. 

“Peter?” 

The door opened. Tony must have heard the book hitting the floor. 

“Are you alright? You look like you’ve seen a ghost”

Peter stared at him open-mouthed, his lip curled in confusion and fear and something else he didn’t quite recognise. Tony spotted the diary on the floor, and picked it up. 

“What’s this?”

“Put it down”

Tony set it down on the bed.

“Kid? Hey, what’s up, darling? Are you feeling alright?”

Peter just stared at him. 

“Come here, honey” Tony said, going to hug him.

Peter struggled backwards on the bed. 

“Don’t!” his voice was weak, tired. “Please don’t”

Tony drew back, looking worried. “Peter?”

“I need to be alone” he whispered. “I’ll come and find you when I’m ready to talk”

Tony hesitated, confused and worried. “Ok. See you in a little while, sweetheart”

-

Peter rested his head back against the headboard, staring at the ceiling, his hands over his mouth. Tears were dripping down into his ears. He felt so sick. 

‘ _How many times I’d slept with each of them_ ’

Slept with. Each of them.

_Both of them._

Tony and Loki had both slept with May. Lots, by the sounds of it. May wouldn’t have stopped keeping a tally if it had only happened a few times. 

Peter slowly put his head forwards. His neck ached. So did his chest. He really did feel sick. He didn’t get it. Loki and Tony were  _married_ for a start - and May hadn’t so much as gone on a date since she was widowed. This couldn’t be right, it just  _couldn’t_.

But it was all there in black and white. Peter knew they were friends - good friends - but not like  _that_. This couldn’t be true. Oh but it was, and Peter knew it was: he just didn’t want to believe it. 

Part of him wanted to stay in his room and cry till he was numb, but he needed to see the Stark’s. He couldn’t stand it.

-

Peter looked at the diary as though it was going to bite him. He went to pick it up, hesitated, and grabbed it. He stood looking at it for a moment, wobbling slightly on his feet. It didn’t look like a comfort any more: it looked like a dirty secret. A dirty secret bound in leather. How could they have kept something like this from him? If they were in a relationship, surely he had a right to know.

He gripped the book. He didn’t want to look at it again, but he had to take it with him. He needed to have the evidence to flash in their faces, should the Stark’s try to deny it. He couldn’t just ignore this.

-

Tony and Loki were sat pressed up against each other at the breakfast bar, both with a mug in hand. They looked up as Peter approached, clutching the diary in his hands. 

“Hey sweetheart” Tony said gently, keeping an arm round Loki’s waist to stop him from getting up. “Do you want to talk?”

Peter nodded, not making eye contact. 

“Ok darling. Whenever you’re ready. We’ll listen”

Peter looked down at the book, feeling the nausea rising in his throat. He didn’t know how to say it. It took him a full minute to get the words out.

“You and May were sleeping together”

He looked up at them. They didn’t react at all like he’d expected. He’d expected them to frantically start denying it, telling him he didn’t know anything, telling him not to be so silly. But they didn’t.

They exchanged brief looks, shifting uncomfortably, looking caught out and nervous. They couldn’t look at Peter properly. 

“How do you know that?”

“So it’s true!” Peter choked. He dropped the diary down on the breakfast bar. 

Loki recognised it. “Her diary? Was- was that in the box?”

“Well now I know why she kept it at work” 

Neither men knew what to say. 

“You did sleep together, didn’t you?" 

Tony nodded. "Yes" 

"More than once?" 

Tony nodded again. 

"How many times?" 

Tony swallowed. "I don’t know" 

"Loki?" 

Loki looked awkward. "I don’t know either" 

"Did you lose count?" 

They nodded. They were both overcome with a feeling of shame and embarrassment - and after seeing the tears pouring down the boys face, guilt.

"You two are  _married_! How could you do it?! How could you  _cheat_  on each other like that?!" 

"It wasn’t cheating, not exactly” Tony said defensively. “It was all consensual, between all three of us" 

"You made her your bit on the side then” Peter said bitterly. 

“Don’t say that! She was so much more than that! We loved her" 

"How could you keep this from me?! You should’ve told me! Were you ever gonna tell me?" 

Tony and Loki looked at each other. 

"We weren’t sure. May thought you’d get upset. We did too. We didn’t want to upset you" 

"But now you’ve upset me by _keeping_  it from me!” Peter cried. “I can’t believe you’ve done this-" 

He scrubbed at his face with his sleeve. He hated crying all the time, but he just couldn’t help it. 

"Why didn’t you two tell me then? She’s gone now" 

"We didn’t see how it would matter” Loki said. “It wouldn’t benefit you to know”

“How could you do it? You’ve already got each other, why did you have to have her as well?!” he shouted. 

“Peter, don’t shout. Look, we never planned it. It just happened" 

"Why? Who started it? It was you, wasn’t it?” he looked at Tony accusingly. “Why? Wanted to relive the playboy days?" 

"May made the first move" 

"Don’t lie to me!!" 

Tony stood up, taking the boy by the shoulders. "Peter, listen to me. This is what’s gonna happen: you, are going to go and calm down and have a cry or whatever you need to do. And once you’ve settled, we’ll come and get you, and we’ll talk about this properly. And by properly, I mean civilly. Ok?" 

Peter looked at him. He wanted to push him away and shout and scream that he wanted to talk about right now, this instant - but he didn’t. He nodded slowly. 

"Ok. We’ll talk in a bit" 

Peter knew that was his cue to leave. He went off to the reading nook, crawling onto it and burrowing down in a nest of pillows. Everything hurt. Tony was right: he should cry it out. Cry it out, and maybe he’d feel better. 

- 

Peter spent a long time crying in the reading nook. It made him feel very tired and hot and strange, like he didn’t quite know where he was. Eventually he did calm down, and he lay back, looking at the sky out of the window, and thinking about the way May and the Stark’s were together. He already knew Loki had kissed her. Tony had as well. He’d seen them too. But somehow at the time, he hadn’t really thought anything of it. 

When he’d seen Loki kiss her, he worried that Tony would be upset. But after he saw Tony kiss her, he stopped worrying, because Tony couldn’t very well get upset with Loki for something he’d done too. Those kisses were both historic, as far as Peter was concerned. 

He tried to think of more recent things, but somehow he could only ever see them as good friends larking about. He couldn’t quite believe that it had been more than that. How would it have worked, anyway? Tony and Loki were both the jealous type. How had they shared happily? He’d seen them wrestle for the last custard cream too many times to believe sharing a  _person_  would work. But, they’d both admitted to it, so there must have been  _something_  going on there. Some kind of agreement, perhaps. He didn’t want to know. Well, he did, in a way. He needed to know exactly what had been going on. He was calm now, mostly. He had to find out. He had a right to know

- 

Tony made them all a hot drink, and they all sat together on the futon in the back room. Peter sat at one end with his feet up to keep distance between himself and the Stark’s. 

"How do you want to do this?” Tony asked softly. “Do you want us to just talk? Or would you like to ask questions?" 

"I’ll ask questions” Peter said. He swallowed hard. “Who did it start with?" 

Tony looked at Loki. Loki sighed, and nodded. 

"It started with me” he said. 

“How?" 

"She kissed me. One night while I was at the flat. She kissed me the next time we were together too. We started doing it a lot. It wasn’t the first time. We’d kissed before. Just chaste stuff, nothing like that, not really" 

"But you ended up doing more" 

Loki nodded. "Yes. It was a couple of months after that" 

"How did it happen?" 

"Well. We were kissing. We got a bit carried away. She asked if I wanted to take it to the bedroom” Loki could feel his cheeks turning red. He kept his eyes down as much as he could. “We didn’t do it then. I got scared and backed out. She said it didn’t matter. I think we put a film on and spent the rest of the night in front of the telly" 

"But then you did" 

"Yes. We did…" 

Loki went quiet, thinking about it. There’d been a lot of laughing. He remembered the way her nails felt, digging into his skin. He remembered the warmth of her breath as she gasped in his ear. And he remembered how, part way through, she’d come out with; "You’re not human. So does this technically count as bestiality?” just to mess with him, and Loki had laughed and said; “What are you trying to say?” and May had laughed too. She’d also told him he smelt nice, to which he’d replied: “I should bloody well hope so, considering how much it cost”. It was always like that with May. They laughed and teased and talked. They had fun. 

Peter broke the silence.  

“What about you?” he asked Tony. “Did you know?" 

"Yes. I knew they kissed. I didn’t mind. I kissed her too. I was surprised when Loki told me that they’d… That they’d gone the whole way. But I wasn’t upset”

“So you thought you’d just go and do the same” Peter said accusingly. 

“I didn’t plan it” Tony said, feeling a little attacked. “Look, we got drunk. We spent a clumsy night together, we had a bit of fun. That was it" 

"Didn’t stop you from doing it again" 

"Peter, please! This isn’t easy for us either. Look, we never planned any of this. But May fell for Loki and Loki fell for her and so did I. And then it turned out that she liked me too. We’re adults. We made the decision to do things together even though Loki and I are married. Technically speaking, we didn’t do anything wrong”

“She liked Loki more than you" 

"I know" 

Peter looked surprised. "You do?" 

"Yes. She was always very up-front about it. She still loved me, I know that. But yes, she did love Loki more. I was fine with that. I love Loki more than I did her, so it was an even ground" 

Peter looked at Loki. "I bet you loved that" 

Loki didn’t say anything. Peter looked at them over the rim of his mug. 

"How did it work? I mean, well, I don’t really get it" 

"We were on common ground” Tony said, nodding. “We loved each other hugely. We did things together and apart. We had common interests, we did things together, we were basically co-parenting  _you_ … We understood each other. We talked. Lots. Communication - good communication - is key in any successful relationship, romantic or otherwise" 

"The bit I read in the diary… It said you were supposed to be joining but you took me out instead" 

Tony knew what he was getting at. "Yes. Well. We did, on various occasions, all go to bed together. But on other occasions, it was just me and May, or just Loki and May, or, well, just me and Loki”

Peter looked at him. “How did you decide? Did you have a rota?" 

Tony laughed without meaning to. "Sweetheart, it doesn’t really work like that. No, we just did what we felt like doing. Sometimes we wanted to all be together. Sometimes May wanted Loki, and sometimes she wanted me. Sometimes she didn’t want either of us and was happy having a night in. It just depended. You can’t chart that kind of thing" 

Peter thought for a minute, taking a few more mouthfuls of his drink. 

"You three were in a relationship, weren’t you?" 

Tony looked at Loki, and then at Peter. 

"Of sorts. Yes. I suppose we were" 

Tears filled Peter’s eyes once more, soon spilling down his cheeks. He looked away again.

"May was everything to me. But I thought the world of you two as well" 

"Oh sweetheart. We never did any of this to upset you. It was just grown up stuff. We did still think of you, of course we did. You were with us three or four nights a week some weeks. You’ve been a huge part of our lives for a while now. May’s known you all your life though, and when she said she thought knowing would upset you, we believed her. Doing what we did, well, it didn’t change anything, not really. Certainly not where you were concerned. It was always going to be us here, May at the flat, and you drifting between us as you pleased”

Peter put his mug down on the coffee table and drew his legs up to his chest, looking at the floor. Tears dripped steadily down his cheeks. 

“I would’ve accepted it, you know” he said, his voice cracking. “If you’d have told me" 

"Oh sweetheart, please don’t” Loki put his own mug down, standing up and moving closer to him. “We never meant to upset you" 

"You should’ve told me!” Peter whimpered. “Even if it didn’t change anything. I had a right to know" 

"Maybe you did. And maybe you didn’t" 

"How long? Since the first kiss?”

Loki paused. “It was about a month after I got out of hospital" 

Peter had to think for a moment. Loki ended up in hospital about ten months after the wedding. He was there for about two months, discharged just in time for their anniversary. So the kiss that had sparked all this off must have only been a month after their anniversary. A month after that they’d slept together. It was nearly March now, meaning there was another six-ish months till their third anniversary. That meant that they’d had this little arrangement going on for about a year before the accident.  

"Didn’t it make your second anniversary awkward?" 

"No” Loki blinked at him. “Tony and I are  _married_. May knew that, she  _got_  that. We went away and did what we do and we had a great time, and she was happy for us" 

"Made up for you still being so fragile on our first one” Tony squeezed his hand. “It was never awkward. Loki always comes first for me, and I always come first for him. That’s just how it is, how it’s always been" 

Peter looked at them carefully. He looked at the way they held hands and leant against each other. He looked at their tearful eyes and Loki’s trembling shoulder. They were a team and Peter had always known it. They didn’t always see eye to eye, but they prioritised each other over anyone else and always had each others backs. And Peter trusted them. He didn’t always like what they had to say, but he did trust them. 

"I wish you’d just told me" 

"I’m sorry. We just didn’t think it was right. We’re sorry you found out in the way that you did” Tony held a hand out to him. 

Peter slowly put his feet on the floor and stood up. He felt numb and nauseous. He’d heard enough for one day. 

“Sweetheart, please" 

Peter looked at them. "I want to be alone" 

He went back to his room, positioning a chair under the door handle to block it. He looked at the picture on his bedside table. 

"No secrets. That’s what you always said” he picked up the frame, and put it back face-down. “You’re just as much of a liar as everyone else”

*


	13. Ain't No Sense In Love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peter runs to Thor, and finds out the truth about the Stark’s intimate relationship with May

-

Peter was left alone for the rest of the day, but the morning brought two guilty conscience’s trying to make amends. It wasn’t long before Peter started to feel suffocated. He refused to speak, but that didn’t stop their efforts. It seemed everywhere he turned, Tony was trying to interest him in some sort of tech, or Loki was trying to push something from his cupboard on him.

Peter wasn’t interested in Tony’s work and he didn’t want Loki’s biscuits and rose lemonade, even though he’d unsuccessfully begged for them so many times in the past. He was too deep in thought, too mixed up and upset. He wouldn’t be distracted, and he didn’t want to eat. 

-

Peter soon found that the feeling of being touched made his skin crawl. He wriggled out of Loki’s embrace and shrunk away from Tony’s hand. They still tried to be affectionate with him, but all the pet names sounded false, the offer of a shoulder to cry on more of a threat, the treat money a bribe. It all felt so weird and unnatural. 

Eventually, while Tony was on the phone and Loki was busy making tea, Peter slipped away, down the stairs, and out of the front door. He couldn’t stay there a minute longer: he’d go insane.

-

Peter went to the cafe with the blue curtains and broken neon sign. He sat in the back corner where he could keep an eye on the door and remain virtually undetected. He nursed a mug of sub-par coffee and watched the fat lady in the dirty apron going from table to table. It always felt odd in this cafe, like he’d stepped back in time. Certainly everything about it was outdated. But there was something about its grubby interior that made him feel safe. Like no one could find him.

Peter’s phone started ringing. He looked at the screen, saw it was Tony, and declined the call. 

-

The market was a good place to forget about everything. It was a loud and busy place, market tellers shouting from all directions, trying to offload bargains, making small talk with customers and passers-by alike. 

Peter walked through the stalls, looking at off-brand clothes, fruit, cheap lighters and pet food. He pretended to be interested in sports memorabilia and local honey and beeswax candles. He didn’t see anything he wanted, but stall holders offered a small sales pitch whenever he paused, and he found himself unable to think of much else. It was a relief. 

-

Peter was tired. He’d only been out about two hours, but he was certain he couldn’t carry on much longer. There wasn’t really anything to do. He did consider the library, but something told him it wasn’t a good idea. His phone had been rung a number of times already, by both guardians. He started the walk back to the house. He imagined he was in trouble.

-

Tony and Loki rushed at him the minute he stepped through the door.

“Where on earth have you  _been_?” Tony grabbed him by the shoulders, looking him over. “We’ve told you before; you can’t just run away like that! Why didn’t you answer your phone? You had us worried”

Peter didn’t say anything. He looked at their worried faces and decided he didn’t care. He squirmed away when Tony tried to hug him.

“Oh sweetheart, don’t be like that”

He went to hug him again, and Peter gave him a shove.

“Hey, we’ll be having none of that!” Loki chimed in crossly, grabbing Peter’s arm. 

Peter shoved him too, and Loki’s patience snapped.

“That’s enough!” he snapped. “Stop this!”

Peter let himself be shoved down on the bottom step. 

“Cool off, kiddo” Tony said. “What are you so angry about?”

“What do you  _think_ I’m so angry about, you fucking idiot?”

“Peter! How many times do I have to tell you not to swear like that? Come on now, you’re just being silly”

Peter folded his arms over his chest, trying to pretend he didn’t have tears dripping down his face. 

Tony sighed. “Stay there for a bit. Come upstairs when you’re ready to apologise”

Peter stared at him. “I’m not the one who needs to apologise!”

“Peter, enough”

Peter shut his mouth and turned his head away. They soon went back upstairs and left him on the step.

-

Peter couldn’t seem to calm down. He didn’t want to be here. He didn’t want to be anywhere  _near_  those two. How could they act like what they had done was normal? Peter tried and tried to see his memories as the outside of a romantic encounter, but he just  _couldn’t_. They’d never given him any reason to believe there was anything more. He couldn’t believe there  _had_ been anything more, despite the facts. Loki and May were great friends, but May and Tony frequently bickered and made snide comments. He knew they were friends too, close friends - but not  _that_ close. 

Peter decided he didn’t care about the Stark’s any more. More to the point, he wasn’t going to stay with them. He knew Loki would probably catch him and beat the living daylights out of him, but he decided he didn’t care about that either. He hauled himself up from the stairs, making his way over to the door through a haze of tears, and carefully opened it. He slipped outside, shut the door (resisting the urge to slam it), and he walked.

Once he reached the end of the street he suddenly knew where he was going. He knew where he could go, where there was someone who would never shout or smack him or keep secrets from him. Someone who had always been kind to him, no matter what. Someone he trusted.

-

Peter held his breath as he waited for the door to open. It soon did.

“Peter? What a lovely surprise!”

Peter looked at Thor and started sobbing. He fell against him, hugging him tight.

“Oh dear. You’ve sprung a leak” he held him tight, carefully shutting the door behind them. “Ok. I’ve got you”

He took him into the kitchen, and Peter’s phone started ringing. Peter took it out of his pocket, crying harder when he saw who it was. Thor carefully took the phone from him and answered it.

“Peter! Where the hell are you? Didn’t we just talk about you running away? You are in so much trouble, young man!”

“Hello, Tony”

“Thor? Why have you got Peter’s phone? Is he with you? Put him on the phone. How dare he run to you?”

Thor put his hand on the back of Peter’s head, keeping him close.

“He didn’t run. I picked him up”

Tony stopped. “You picked him up?”

“Yes” Thor said. 

“Why?”

“I hadn’t visited for a while. He was so upset when I got there. I thought taking him back with me would be good for him. Give him a break”

“You can’t just run off with him without telling us! What if something happened?” Tony sighed heavily. “You didn’t even ring the bell”

“Sorry. I will next time” he stroked Peter’s hair firmly. “If it’s a problem I’ll bring him straight back”

“No. No, you’re ok. I’m just glad I know where he is. How long did you want to keep him?”

“I thought he could stay over tonight. I’ll bring him back some time tomorrow”

Tony thought for a moment. “Ok. You will take care of him, won’t you?”

“Of course”

“Ok. Well, can I speak to him?”

Thor looked down at the crying boy. “He’s still upset. Maybe some space would be beneficial”

Tony sighed. “Ok. Well, give him my love anyway. I’ll see you later”

Peter cuddled up against Thor, listening to the buzz of Tony’s voice over the phone. He felt he might faint with relief when Thor hung up the phone and set it on the kitchen unit. 

“You heard all that, didn’t you?”

Peter nodded tearfully. “You really won’t send me home?”

“No. Not until tomorrow. Now” he held Peter at arms length. “Why don’t you tell me what’s happened?”

Peter looked into his eyes. “I don’t know”

“Ok. Try to stop crying, and I’ll make us both a drink”

-

They sat either side of the table, each with a mug in hand. Thor held Peter’s free hand over the table, rubbing the back of it with his thumb. Peter looked at their clasped hands, and began to feel more comfortable.

“The Stark’s were sleeping with May”

Thor looked at him. “Both of them?”

Peter nodded.

“Well” he sat back slightly. “Are you sure?”

“It was in her diary. And they both admitted it”

“I see…”

“What? Please say it, whatever you’re thinking”

“I don’t believe it. I never would’ve thought…”

Peter looked up. “They’re not compatible. Not like that”

“No. Well. I didn’t know your aunt very well. I knew she was friends with them. I never would’ve thought for a moment that they were, well,  _sleeping_ together”

“I don’t get it. I keep  _trying_ to see them as an item and I just… I just  _can’t_. I just see them as friends” he buried his face in his hands. “I can’t believe they could do this to me”

“Oh Peter. Hey, come on. Don’t cry”

“I can’t help it! They all lied to me! Why did they do it?”

“I don’t know. I really don’t”

Peter lowered his hands. “You didn’t know?”

“No. Loki never said anything. He said he loved her. I knew they were close. But a relationship? I’m sorry Peter. I’m not calling you a liar. I don’t doubt what you’ve said. But I’m finding it hard to believe”

“You think that they  _weren’t_ having sex? But then why would they say they were?”

“No, you misunderstand: I believe what you’ve told me. I just think it’s… strange. As I said, as you know - I didn’t know May very well. Not personally. But yes, I know they were incredibly close. But as  _friends_. They went drinking, they went to the cinema, they had fun. He told me that much. But I can’t see them as anything  _more_ than that. I can’t see Tony as anything more either. But…”

“But what?”

“Nothing”

“Oh please, Mr Thor, don’t. I’m sick of people hiding everything from me. I’m sick of being in the dark”

Thor nodded. “Ok. Well. Tony has a reputation, doesn’t he? Of having his head in his trousers. So I can kind of see, but I do think… Maybe it wasn’t a relationship as such. Maybe… maybe it was just sex”

Peter was quiet for a moment. “You think so?”

“Maybe. I don’t know. I can’t say for sure”

“I need to know. I know I shouldn’t be upset but I am, and I want to know for sure”

“You’re well within your rights to feel upset. They should have told you from the start. You deserve to have the facts” He stood up, going over to the kitchen phone. “I’m going to call them”

Peter didn’t stop him.

-

Peter couldn’t bring himself to look at the Stark’s. They seemed shifty, like they didn’t want to be there. There was a lot of awkward small talk and starters, easing them into the conversation.

“You need to be truthful. It’s only fair” Thor said. “Peter?”

Peter glanced at him, and then focused on the mug in Tony’s hands. 

“It wasn’t a relationship, was it? Not in the way I thought” he said. “Did you love her?”

Tony nodded. “We did”

“But not in the way you love each other. Not- not really” he swallowed hard. “Were you in love with her?”

There was a pause.

“No”

Peter sniffed, wiping his eyes with the cuff of his sleeve. Thor squeezed his hand, supporting and encouraging him. 

“Loki?”

Loki shook his head. Peter thought about it for a while. He didn’t doubt that they loved her. But hearing that they weren’t  _in_ love with her, well, it was an agony and a relief at the same time. 

“What was it to you?”

“May was our best friend. You do believe us when we say that, don’t you?” 

Peter nodded. “I know. But that isn’t what I asked. It wasn’t really a relationship you were in, was it?”

“It was. Of sorts” Tony said.

Peter looked down into his mug. “What did it mean to you?”

There was a horrible silence, the tension so thick you could cut it with a knife. Tony found he couldn’t speak, and Loki stepped in.

“It was just sex”

Peter welled up and more tears dripped down his face. 

“I suppose you could describe it as friends with benefits” Tony said awkwardly.

“I don’t know which one’s worse” Peter buried his face in his hands and started sobbing.

Thor stood up, stopping Loki and Tony from going to comfort him, and hugged Peter tight.

“Ok. I know, I know” he said gently, stroking Peter’s hair. He looked at the Stark’s. “I think that’s all he needed to know”

“Please don’t make me go home!” Peter cried. “I hate it there!”

“You’ll have to come back sometime, kiddo” Tony said.

Peter pulled away from Thor. “I don’t want to live with you two any more! I hate you! I don’t want anything to do with you!”

“You don’t have a choice, darling” Tony said, trying hard to remain calm. “We’re all you have”

Peter looked at Thor. He thought for a moment about staying here forever, being looked after by someone so gentle and protective and trustworthy.

“Can’t you..?”

Thor sighed. “I’m away too much. I’m not in a position to look after you. I’m sorry. You can stay tonight. You can stay other times. But I can’t look after you all the time”

“I don’t want to live with  _them_ ”

“I know” he squeezed his shoulder. “But you’ll have to”

Peter buried his head in Thor’s chest. Thor gave him a squeeze and carefully stepped back, looking at Loki and Tony.

“I’ll show you out”

-

“I didn’t say that at all” Thor said. “Look, he confided in me. He’s confused and mixed up enough as it is. Of course finding out something like this is a shock to the system. Let him be angry. It’ll pass”

“He can’t stay here forever” Tony said. “He hasn’t got any of his stuff. He’s legally our responsibility now. Not to mention he’ll need to go to school again soon”

“I know” Thor said. “He knows that too”

“You shouldn’t have picked him up” Loki said. “Not without telling us”

“He needed me. Having a bit of distance, even just for one night, it will be good for him”

“He’s so fragile” Tony said sadly.

“I’ll take care of him. Please, I think you should go”

Tony merely nodded. Loki sighed and accepted a brief hug. 

“I want him back first thing tomorrow”

Thor smiled, opening the door and gently guiding them out. “I’ll have him back by tomorrow evening”

-

Peter looked up nervously when Thor came back into the kitchen.

“Don’t worry: they’re gone now” Thor said. “So. What do you want to do? Cry?”

Peter nodded. He was still crying a bit from before. Thor sat beside him and wrapped an arm round his shoulder.

“You just cry for as long as you need to. I’ll be right here”

-

The atmosphere in Thor’s flat was so different to the Stark’s house. It looked less like a show home and more like a proper home. It was nowhere near as big. It was modest and comfortable and warm. Thor was very different to the Stark’s too.

Peter was cuddled down on the big sofa, feeling very numb and tired, but relieved that he wasn’t at home.

“Here” Thor wrapped a blanket round his shoulders. “You’re shaking”

“It’s not because I’m cold” Peter said, but he pulled the blanket round himself anyway.

“Have you been eating properly recently?”

Peter shook his head. “Mr Stark cooks for me, but…”

“But?”

“Well, I bin it whenever I can. I don’t get hungry that much”

“Are you hungry now?”

“I don’t know”

“If I cook for you, would you eat it?”

Peter thought for a moment, and shook his head. 

Thor nodded, putting an arm round his shoulder. “Let me know if you change your mind. You know they’re going to quiz me about how I looked after you when I take you back tomorrow”

“I don’t want to go back. Can’t I stay here? I’ll be really good, I’ll help out and stay outta trouble, I promise”

“I’m sorry, Peter. I’m not here enough. You’re a great kid, but I’m not in the position to look after you full-time”

“I don’t wanna go back home. I hate it there”

“I understand why you’re upset” Thor said. “But Loki and Tony can and will take good care of you. They’ll always do what’s best for you. You know they think the world of you”

“No they don’t”

Thor gave him a squeeze. “They do”

“I can’t go back to them, Thor, I really can’t”

“Where are you going to go then?”

Peter thought for a moment. “I’ve got a social worker. If I rang her, she could find me somewhere to go”

“Is that what you want?”

Peter rested his head against Thor’s chest. He didn’t know what he wanted. 

-

Time was getting on. Thor gave Peter a quick squeeze.

“It’s late. I think you need to have a shower and go to bed”

“Do I have to?”

“Yes. There’s clean towels on the radiator. I’ve found you a dressing gown too. It’ll be a bit too big for you, but it’s better than nothing”

“Ok. Thank you”

-

Peter looked at the toiletries in Thor’s bathroom. It was nowhere near as full as Tony and Loki’s en suites: Thor seemed very much to be a 6-in-1 type man. There were a few bottles of fancier stuff on the windowsill, but they were barely used. Peter guessed they must be there for when Loki was visiting. He didn’t want to use his stuff, so he stuck with the 6-in-1. 

After he was washed and dried and in the dressing gown, he went to the spare room. He knew Loki had lived in it before he’d moved in with Tony, and as far as he had been told, it was just as impersonal now as it had been back then. It was a very basic room with a bed, bedside table, wardrobe, and chair. There was an old electric fan on top of the wardrobe, and pristine bedding on the bed. It was colder than the rest of the house, and had an electric heater plugged in too. It was very plain and ordinary, with bare white walls, a beige carpet, and white bedding. It was obviously rarely used. 

-

There was a knock on the door.

“Hey you. I’m just checking you’re ok”

Peter shrugged. Thor pulled back the covers on the bed, nodding at him. Peter climbed into bed obediently and let Thor settle him. He knelt down beside the bed.

“You know where I am if you need me at all during the night. Loki said you have nightmares”

“Only sometimes”

“Would you prefer me to leave you if you have one?”

Peter shrugged. “It’s up to you”

Thor stroked his damp hair gently. “Do you need anything?”

“I don’t think so”

“Ok” he stood up, giving his shoulder a squeeze and turning the bedside lamp and heater on. It’s heat filled the room quickly. “Goodnight”

Peter nodded, pulling the quilt up further, so that it covered his mouth and nose. He watched the door close. Its click seemed to echo round the room. This room was generic, impersonal, but oddly, he liked that. He could pretend he was anywhere else in the world. He could forget that Loki used to live in it. The bed was soft and the room was warm and comfortable. There was a strange sense of relief and comfort in the air. He settled down in his little nest, feeling reassured, like nothing could ever hurt him. He felt safe. 

*


	14. Don't Say Goodbye

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peter feels like everything is collapsing all over again. Loki finally cracks

-

Peter woke up feeling a little fuzzy.

“Hello Peter” Thor said. “You’ve slept the day away”

“Hi..” Peter smiled slightly. “What time is it?”

“Nearly one in the afternoon”

“Oh” Peter sat up slowly, rubbing his eyes. 

“Why don’t you get dressed and come through to the kitchen?”

Peter nodded. “Ok. I’ll be quick”

-

Peter found himself feeling quite happy while he sat at the kitchen table eating buttered toast and drinking tea. 

“I don’t drink tea” Thor had said. “I only keep it for Loki” 

The tea was fine. Peter usually had chai at home, so it was a little different having regular tea. Different felt good. It was refreshingly quiet. The Stark’s always had the kitchen radio on, and Loki always stuck the stereo on in whatever room he was camping out in that day. Thor owed a radio and a set of speakers, but they weren’t on - they weren’t even plugged in. It was good to just sit and enjoy the silence. 

Thor took Peter’s plate away when he’d finished eating. 

“Oh, Mr Thor, I can do that!” Peter insisted, standing up.

“No no, sit down! I’ll do this”

Peter slowly sat back down. “I said I’d help out”

“Drink your drink”

Peter did as he was told. He sat swinging his legs, drinking his tea while Thor did the washing up. He felt good. 

-

Peter sat with Thor in the living room and watched a film. For a while Peter really felt genuinely happy, cuddled up with Thor and losing himself in the film. He fell asleep for a little while, and when Thor woke him up, he felt all fuzzy again.

“Peter? I told them I’d have you back by the evening”

Peter looked up at him. “What..?”

“It’s nearly five o’ clock. We need to think about getting you back”

Peter’s mood dropped. He sat up quickly, looking at Thor with big, pleading eyes.

“Please don’t take me back! Please don’t!” 

“I have to” Thor said gently. “You know you have to go home”

“Can’t you call them? Oh please, just let me stay one more night!”

“I’m going back to Asgard tomorrow. I’ll be away for a few days” Thor said. “I can’t let you stay. Legally, you belong to Loki and Tony now. They have a responsibility to look after you. They  _will_ look after you. Hey” he chucked him under the chin. “The thought of going back is usually worse than the reality”

“Usually…” 

“Go and freshen up a little. Get a drink” Thor said. “After that, get your shoes and jacket on” 

Peter swallowed very hard, and nodded. He didn’t want to argue. Not with Thor. 

-

Peter tried hard to be good. ‘Act your age’ he told himself. He got ready to go without a fuss. He didn’t do a runner when they left the flat. He stayed at Thor’s side for the walk back. He stayed silent when they got home and (as predicted) Loki and Tony quizzed Thor on how he’d been. But then Thor had to go. And Peter couldn’t stand it. He’d been happy, actually  _happy_ and now it was over. He didn’t want to be sad again. 

So he kicked up a fuss. He clung to Thor and wouldn’t let go. He found his voice and started shouting and screaming, begging Thor not to go and yelling at Loki and Tony when they tried to make him see reason. 

“Peter, you know I have to go” Thor said calmly, giving him a quick squeeze. 

“No! No, please don’t leave me here alone! I hate it! Please don’t go!” 

“I’ve had enough of this!” Loki seethed. 

He yanked Peter away from Thor, turned him around, and smacked him hard across the face, shocking them all to silence. Peter lifted a shaking hand to his face, feeling the thin trickle of blood at the corner of his mouth.

“Get out of my sight" 

Peter didn’t have to be told twice. 

- 

Thor and Loki got into a blazing row. Loki won.

An hour or so after Thor had finally left, Tony went to find Peter in his room. He was curled up in bed with the quilt over his mouth. Tony sat down on the edge of the bed.

"Can I get you anything?" 

Peter didn’t respond. Tony sighed. 

"Oh sweetheart, I know, you’ve had a bit of a shock. You’ll understand when you’re older. But for now at least, well, it just doesn’t bear thinking about" 

Peter still didn’t respond, but he didn’t flinch away when Tony stroked his hair.

"I’m out tomorrow, so it’ll just be you and Loki for a while" 

"I hate Loki" 

"No you don’t! You two are great friends" 

"Not any more" 

Tony gave his shoulder a squeeze. "You’ll come round. Do you want to be left alone now?" 

Peter nodded slightly. 

"Ok darling” he gently kissed the sore corner of his mouth and left him to it. 

- 

“I think you should apologise to him”

Loki looked up from his book. “Why?" 

"You hit him quite hard" 

"He deserved it, considering the way he’s been acting lately”

“Loki-" 

"What?! He wouldn’t have been allowed to get away with it before May died, so why should he get away with it now?" 

"He’s hurting" 

"What, and we’re not? Stop being such a pushover. Have you sorted out a school yet?" 

"I’m still looking” he squeezed onto the armchair with him. “I’ve narrowed it down to three" 

"Which ones?" 

"Park Street, St Hendricks, and Darnall Hill" 

"Darnall Hill” Loki said, knowing it was furthest away. “Pack him off there as a boarder" 

"Loki! I’ve already said I’m not going to send him away” he swatted the book out of Loki’s hands. 

“Why not? Don’t you want your house back?" 

"This is his home as well now, you know" 

Loki sighed irritably. "I wish it wasn’t”

“Don’t be so cruel. He’s not that bad”

“Isn’t he?”

Tony narrowed his eyes at him. “It’s been a second home to him for years now. You never had a problem with it before”

Loki ignored him, retrieving his book from the floor.

“Oh, so that’s it? Conversation over?”

“I’m reading” Loki said. “Don’t be so bitter”

Tony snatched the book. “What? Don’t you want to spend time with me?”

“Not especially, no. Not right now, anyway” he snatched the book back. “Give me an hour, and I’ll come and jump into bed with you”

Tony paused. “Wearing that outfit I like?”

“Only if you leave me undisturbed”

“Ok, ok” Tony stood up, no longer annoyed. “See you in an hour, darling”

-

Peter was up early. He let Tony fuss over him and found himself unable to stay mad at him. He was still the person he knew and loved, regardless of what he’d found out. He found himself forgiving him, and was happy to cuddle up to him and let him show him his latest project over breakfast.

Peter stayed calm when Tony went out, but the composure didn’t last long. As if Tony leaving wasn’t bad enough, he also didn’t want to be anywhere near Loki, especially not alone. He did consider running to Thor, but he quickly pushed the thought out of his mind. Thor wouldn’t be there now, and Loki could hit really hard, and there was no doubt that he would if Peter ran away. 

-

Peter sat on the opposite sofa to Loki, watching him. Loki was busy on his laptop.

“Stop staring at me” he grumbled.

“I’m not”

Loki looked up to glare at him, and the phone started ringing out in the kitchen. Loki sighed and stood up to answer it, leaving the laptop open on the sofa. Peter stood up, keeping an eye on the door cautiously, and looked at the laptop. A blank Google search page was open, but he could see there were things open in another window, and more interestingly, a PowerPoint. Peter clicked on this, and he couldn’t help feeling a little bit sad when he was met with the Baby Moodboard.

The Baby Moodboard was an ongoing escape project of Loki’s. Peter had seen it before, quite a while ago now. It was mainly pictures, but it also had slides with name ideas and parenting websites and product listings. The subject of a baby was rarely mentioned, and had been discovered that first summer with the Stark’s when Peter had found out Loki wanted one. It was sad to see that he was still holding out hope for it.

Peter clicked through the slides, looking at everything that had been added since the last time he’d seen it. Loki definitely hadn’t given up on the idea of having a baby, even though - as far as Peter was aware - Tony’s answer was still no. 

“Hey, what do you think you’re doing?” Loki snapped.

Peter jumped at the sound of his voice, and flinched as the laptop was snatched away from him - and flinched again when Loki smacked him.

“Keep you nose out of my stuff” 

“Why are you still working on that? You- you’re not having a baby…”

Loki stopped. “No. Not now we’ve been lumbered with the likes of you. You’ve ruined everything”

He stormed out of the room. Peter didn’t follow him.

-

Loki seemed to grow increasingly more agitated every hour. He’d had a good night with Tony, but he was tired out. Usually when Tony was away, Loki would rest, and take to the reading nook with his latest novel. Sometimes he’d go to the nearby art gallery and stop for a coffee or go to the pub. He wanted to be doing any of these things, but instead, he was stuck looking after the brat that had infiltrated his sanctuary and seemed intent on making life for the Stark’s as difficult as possible. 

Peter tried to be understanding, but Loki wasn’t making any effort to understand  _him_ , which made it a lot harder. Peter knew Loki was down.Peter tried to convince himself that it wasn’t his fault that Loki was angry, though really he thought it rather was. But that wasn’t fair at all, so Peter got angry as well as upset. 

- 

"Get out of the fridge" 

"I’m hungry!”

“I don’t care. Get out of the fridge" 

Peter shut the fridge and went over to the first kitchen cupboard, searching through it. 

"Peter! Stop making such a racket" 

Peter slammed the cupboard door. "Fine, guess I’ll starve then" 

"You’ve been doing that for weeks anyway, so don’t start acting like it’s my fault”

Peter glared at him. “Why are you so grumpy all the time?" 

"Why are you so annoying?" 

Peter didn’t have an answer to that. Loki seemed to be fed up sharing the kitchen, and stood up. Peter noticed he was shaking, and he stopped being so angry and started getting worried instead. 

"Are you ok?”

Loki ignored him and walked off. Peter followed. 

“What’s up? Are you broody again? Is that it? Mr Loki? Hey, stop ignoring me!”

“Stop bothering me! I’ve got better things to do than babysit a brat like you" 

"Do you need to go to bed? I don’t need looking after” he tried to take his hand, but Loki snatched it away. “Why are you being like this?" 

Loki stopped and looked at him. "You’re the last person who can question anyone’s behaviour" 

"I want to help! Are you ill? Can I get you anything?" 

"One more word. Say one more word, and see what happens” Loki sighed, leaning back against the wall. He felt dizzy and anxious and hot and cold at the same time. “You’re stressing me out”

“I’m stressing  _you_  out?” Peter said with a sudden shift in tone. “What have you got to be stressed about? Is it because you and Thor had a fight?" 

"You really haven’t got a clue about the world, have you?” Loki sighed. “Like the fuss you made yesterday. That wasn’t logical now, was it?" 

"I’m allowed to be upset! You know how hard everything is for me" 

"You’re overreacting. Stop with the constant shouting and screaming. You’re doing my head in. Not to mention the stress you’re putting Tony under”

“Well he’s  _your_  husband: why don’t  _you_  help him?" 

"Excuse me?" 

Peter saw the warning look in his eyes. He turned his head away quickly, clenching his fists. He was suddenly so angry all over again. What had gotten into Loki? Surely something had happened to put him in this mood. For a moment he considered it was because of the Baby Moodboard, but Loki had been cross and impatient with him for a little while now, which lead him to believe it was something more. 

Peter tried to think. He’d seen Loki like this a few times, but he’d never been on the receiving end of his anger. He tried to think what had made him act like this in the past. Once, it was when the papers and magazines kept getting in touch before the wedding, and Tony’s press manager was pushing them to have a huge show-stopper wedding that would look good to the public and turn up good news coverage ("But of course would still be lovely for you and your guests”). Loki had got like this then. Another time was when he was in hospital and he was fed up with being sick and not being able to go outside. The third time Peter could remember was when he’d had a falling out with Tony. Peter didn’t think any of these scenarios answered his question.

- 

While Peter was remembering previous incidents, Loki had slipped away to his room. Peter knew he should just let it go, but he didn’t. He went to Loki’s room and shoved the door open. 

“If you’re sad you should talk to someone" 

"Right, that’s it, I’m done” he stood up and gave Peter a shove so that he fell backwards into the hallway. “Stay out of my way. I can’t deal with you any more. I can’t deal with any of this. I’m done. I’m going" 

He packed a bag, scribbled a note to Tony, grabbed his passport, and left. 

- 

It all happened so fast. Peter was no closer to finding out what was wrong with Loki, and now that he’d suddenly walked out, he had no way of finding out either. Peter was scared. He didn’t like Loki very much at all right now, but he didn’t want him to _leave_. Especially not the way he had, with tearful eyes and shaking hands and struggled breathing. 

Peter didn’t know what had happened. He sat down at the top of the stairs, watching the door, wishing Loki would come back. He suddenly felt guilty, like he’d driven him away. He was so confused. He didn’t dare read the note that had been left on the kitchen table. He was scared of what it might say. Had he really destroying their marriage just by being there? He thought of Loki. He thought of Tony coming back and finding him gone. And he started crying.

- 

Every little sound in the house put Peter on edge. He managed to stop crying only because the sound echoed round the walls too loudly. He felt sick. He couldn’t believe Loki had walked out. Where could he have gone? He’d taken his passport, which made Peter think he wasn’t considering coming back any time soon. Peter stayed at the top of the stairs, too frightened to venture back into the main areas of the house. He felt like he was being watched. It wasn’t a nice feeling. He checked his watch and found it was barely four o’ clock. Tony wouldn’t be back for at least another two hours. Peter didn’t know if he could wait that long. He considered calling him, but what if Loki came back in the meantime? Then he would’ve worried Tony for nothing. Peter pushed his phone back into his pocket. He didn’t know what to do. 

- 

Tony arrived home at ten past six, humming happily to himself. He kicked his shoes off at the door, hung his coat up, and made his way upstairs. He grinned at Peter, ruffling his hair. 

"Hey kiddo” he said, and carried on, calling out for Loki. 

Peter stayed at the top of the stairs and pressed his hands over his ears.

- 

“Loki? If you jump out at me again, I swear to god-” he walked into the kitchen and spotted the note on the breakfast bar. 

Tony picked up the note and unfolded it.

_Darling,_

_I’m sorry. I’ve tried but I’m just so stressed. I’m making myself ill. I just can’t do this anymore. I’ve gone away to sort my head out. Or try to. I love you so much._

_I promise I’ll come back. I’ll be in touch. I’ve left my phone so don’t try to call me._

_All my love, Loki xxx_

- 

Peter plucked up the courage to leave the stairs and go to Tony. He found him in the kitchen and immediately grew frightened when he saw how he was crying. He’d cried horribly after losing May, and that was scary enough. But this was even worse than that. 

“Mr Stark?" 

Tony froze for a second, and quickly wiped his face and, with great effort, forced himself to stop crying. 

"Hey kiddo…" 

Peter approached, biting his thumb. "Mr Loki?" 

Tony started blubbing all over again. Peter panicked. He didn’t know what to say, so he kept his mouth shut and hugged him instead. Tony hugged him back and cried into his shoulder, holding him like he would never let go. 

Peter cried too, partly because Loki had walked, partly because he was being held tight enough to hurt, but mostly because seeing Tony so heartbroken was enough to break his heart too. 

*


	15. Life Goes On

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Getting on with things and moving on are two different things, but they often come together.

-

Peter understood completely when Tony shut down and locked up early and was in bed by eight. He understood when he didn’t get up till the afternoon the next day. He understood when he automatically got Loki’s mug down from the cupboard when he was making himself a drink. And more than anything he understood why he sat staring into space while his drink went cold and the room grew dark around him.

What he didn’t understand was why Tony did so little. During times of crisis, he usually threw himself into his work. But not now. He spent days doing as little as possible, not leaving the house, and drinking black coffee from the same mug without washing it.

Peter remembered a film he’d watched with Loki, where a key sign of the dad’s downfall was drinking hot lemon from the same mug and never washing it. It was a horrible comparison, but one that made sense. It drove home the gravity of the situation.

-

Peter sat down beside Tony.

“Your phone keeps ringing” he said.

Tony nodded.

“I think it’s Pepper. Should we answer it?”

Tony sighed, putting an arm round Peter and pulling him close. Peter leant against him. They hadn’t spoken much since Loki had left, but they often spent hours like this, with Peter under Tony’s arm. They both needed the support.

- 

 week after Loki had left, a postcard came through the door. Tony picked it up, staring at the front for ages before finally turning it over.

_Tony._

_Tu iras bien_

_Loki x_

Peter put a hand on Tony’s wrist, and Tony let him read the back. He turned it over again, looking at the picture. 

“Honfleur” Tony said. 

Peter recognised it. “You went there on your honeymoon" 

Tony nodded. He went to the kitchen and stuck the postcard on the fridge. 

"A reminder” he said, when he saw Peter’s face. “That he hasn’t forgotten us”

- 

Tony started working again after the postcard arrived. He worked from home, for his own sake as much as Peter’s. He started cooking again. Peter didn’t have much of an appetite, but he didn’t want to upset Tony so he ate anyway.

Another postcard arrived a few days later. 

_Tony,_

_Ich liebe dich_

_Loki x_

Tony put it up on the fridge with the other one. 

“Mummelsee” Peter read. “Are you gonna go and find him?" 

"What?" 

“Well, you went there on your honeymoon too. Maybe he’s working his way round the honeymoon locations. You could try to guess where he’s gonna go next" 

Tony sighed and squeezed his shoulder. "I can’t do that. He left me for a reason”

“Don’t you think he misses you?" 

"I don’t know. All I do know is that he needs to be alone. Whatever it is, he needs to figure it out on his own" 

- 

Things started to feel a little bit better after that. Tony received more postcards, all with one-line messages in different languages. Quite a collection built up on the fridge. 

Tony felt reassured and decided it was time to stop feeling sorry for himself and start sorting things out. He finally got out of the house and did a big shop, and even stocked up on all the things Loki was usually in charge of buying. He went to see his doctor and got an appointment with his old councillor, which he attended, and which helped. He booked Peter in for his booster jabs while he was there. He fixed the electric lock on the door to the lab. He picked up his phone, made some calls, and approached Peter. 

"We’re going out on Friday” he announced. 

Peter looked up, surprised. “Where are we going?" 

"St Hendricks" 

"Th-the school?” Peter said anxiously. 

“Yep. I’ve been talking with the headmaster and it’s been arranged for us to go and have a look round on Friday. They’ll give us the full tour and info, and then they’ll decide if they want to offer you a place" 

Peter didn’t look happy. He didn’t like the idea of private school.

"If it doesn’t work out, I’ve got two more schools I like the look of. But, you’re a smart kid, and a good kid, so I’m sure there’ll be no problem. St Hendricks looks like the best one" 

"Why do I have to go? I mean, um, it’ll be your choice where I go anyway, so you could just go alone" 

"Well, yes” Tony said. “But the headmaster wants to meet you. He won’t offer you a place without meeting you, I’m sure of it. Plus, I need you to see it" 

"Why?" 

Tony sat down beside him. "Look, I know your last school was a disaster. I hope it will be different this time. No, I’m  _sure_  it will be different. But I still want your opinion. If we go, and you really, truly hate it, then we’ll try somewhere else. But I need you to work with me on this" 

Peter swallowed. "But what if I can’t speak again?" 

"It doesn’t matter. I know you’re largely non-verbal with strangers now. And even not strangers” he remembered how Peter had stayed quiet last time he’d seen Pepper, not to mention Happy and some of the others from Stark Industries that he’d got to know. It had worried the lot of them. “But it’s fine. I’ve mentioned it to St Hendricks, and they haven’t got a problem with it" 

"Have you told them everything else?" 

"I’ve told them overview versions. I’ve told them why you’re living with us and I’ve told them why your old school didn’t work out. They were very understanding. They’re supportive, Peter. I think it might work this time… I can tell you’re not convinced" 

"Mmm… I don’t know. I’m so nervous about it. I mean, most of the kids there will’ve been going to fee paying schools their whole lives, won’t they? They’ll know that by rights I shouldn’t be there. What if they don’t like me?”

“You’ll make friends. People of different classes can mix, you know. But I see where you’re coming from. I know it’s scary” he gave him a hug. “I can tell you now, we will be amongst the richest there. But money isn’t everything. Yes, if you get in, I will be paying school fees. But your intellect will still be just as important. Look, as soon as you find somewhere to settle, you’ll do great" 

"I don’t want to go… What about the other two schools? Are they private too?”

“Darnall Hill is” Tony said. “Park Street isn’t" 

"If you could choose… Without anything else interfering, if it was all on your say so… Where would you want me to go?" 

"I’d want you to go to St Hendricks" 

Peter looked at him. The thought of going back to  _any_  school made him feel ill. He still had school-and-Ryan-based nightmares. But he knew that despite how much he was struggling, Tony was still doing his best for Peter. He wanted the best for him. 

Peter nodded. "Ok" 

"So, you’ll come with me on Friday and give it a go, won’t you?" 

Peter nodded. "Ok" 

- 

Peter agreed to go, but he was still filled with a sense of dread when he woke up. He was bickering with Tony within minutes. Tony wanted him to wear something smart and give off a good impression. Peter argued that surely wearing his usual clothes would be better, because it would be a natural and real first view of who he was. 

Neither of them won. Instead they compromised on smart-casual, although Tony took charge. Peter ended up in jeans (a smart black pair that had never been worn before), a white t-shirt, and a black blazer. Tony allowed him to wear trainers. 

"God, I’ve turned you into a mini-me” Tony mumbled, watching him put his shoes on. 

“Hm?" 

"Nothing, nothing. You look good. Now, are you sure you don’t want breakfast?”

Peter shook his head. “Too nervous" 

"Can I at least make you a hot chocolate?" 

"Only if I can have squirty cream”

“Deal”

- 

St Hendricks seemed to loom above them. The grounds were huge, a vast expanse of neat trees and gardens, playing fields and courts. The building itself was grey stone, a grand turreted folly which had private school written all over it. Peter couldn’t help feeling intimidated. 

“I wonder what’s in the turrets” Tony wondered aloud. 

Peter was instantly reminded of the book about the foundling that Loki had read to him, and the attic room in the tower that they had been locked in. 

“It’s a great building. It’s like a little castle" 

Peter looked at him. 

"Don’t look so nervous! You’ll be fine. We’re just having a look round, ok?" 

Peter looked out of the window as they parked up. They got out of the car, and Peter looked up. The school looked like it was moving. 

"I’m lost already” he said. 

Tony laughed. “You’d soon find your way around if you went here. Peter? What are you looking at?" 

"What are those buildings?" 

Tony looked, spotting the country-house-type buildings. There were three, two about the same size, and one smaller. They all had a low brick wall around them, and benches and trees in the gardens. 

"They’re probably the boarding houses” Tony said. “Maybe we’ll go and have a look later" 

"But you said I wasn’t going to be a boarder!" 

"Yes, but it would be interesting to have a look anyway! Right, come on, we can’t stand here all day" 

Peter looked round the car park like it was the last glimpse of the outside world he would ever get, and followed Tony inside.

-

‘This place really does look like Hogwarts’ Peter thought as he was met with the grand stone interior. It made the front office computers look quite out of place.

Tony took charge while Peter was peering into the trophy cabinet and reading the signs on the wall. They were wooden, with arrows and room numbers on. He thought he was probably right in thinking it was easy to get lost here. 

"Ah, Mr Stark, how lovely to meet you!" 

Peter turned round and saw the owner of the voice, who Tony was now shaking hands with. He wore a suit, with a navy shirt and tweed jacket. He was obviously the headmaster. Peter imagined he had a cane hidden in his office. 

"Peter, come here and say hello” Tony said. 

Peter approached nervously, flinching slightly when the headmaster took his hand. 

“You must be Peter. It’s good to meet you. Now, Mr Stark here tells me that you’re largely non-verbal nowadays. Is that right?" 

Peter nodded slightly, carefully taking his hand back and half-hiding behind Tony.

"Don’t be so nervous: I don’t bite” he smiled at him. “My name is Mr Pipe-Fowler, but you’ll be fine to call me 'sir’” he turned his attention back to Tony. “It’s a shame your husband wasn’t able to join us. Is he away?" 

"Travelling” Tony nodded. “In Europe" 

Peter looked at him. He knew he hadn’t told anyone, not even Pepper, but it still felt weird to act like everything was ok. Loki had been gone for nearly three weeks now. It certainly didn’t feel like everything was ok. 

- 

Oddly, Peter found himself quite liking Mr Pipe-Fowler. He was definitely stereotypical headmaster on the outside, but he treated Peter with respect and asked him yes or no questions so he wouldn’t feel pressured to speak. 

Peter found the school itself a little odd. It was huge, and some of it was far more modern than other bits. It was strange seeing up-to-date technology pushed up against old stone walls and to see posters stuck on heavy wooden doors. 

"You’ll like this next bit, Peter” Mr Pipe-Fowler said. “I was told you’re a bit of an electronics whizz" 

Peter stayed quiet, but he perked up when they were showed into an electronics lab. This was one of the more modern looking rooms, and it was shining and sleek. 

"Oh wow” Tony said. “This is proper stuff" 

Peter barely noticed the class watching them. They were first years, only momentarily distracted. They were working on crocodile clip circuits, not unlike what Peter had been given during his electronic lesson a few weeks ago. Tony was talking in depth with the headmaster and the electronics teacher. Peter was watching a small boy frowning over his circuit. The boy saw him looking. 

"Are you any good at this? I can’t get my bulb to light" 

Peter stepped forwards, looking at his circuit. 

"Everything needs to be connected on both sides. It won’t work if you break the circuit” he said, taking another crocodile clip wire and adding it into the circuit. “Try it now" 

The boy flicked the switch, and the bulb came on. "Ohhhh, I think I get it now! It has to be a full circle, doesn’t it? Thanks!" 

Peter felt a hand on his shoulder, and jumped slightly. 

"Hey, it’s only me” Mr Pipe-Fowler said. “Now that you’ve finished helping Gerald, are you ready to move on?" 

Peter nodded. He saw Tony smiling fondly at him. Maybe he was right about this place. 

- 

The tour was a lot to take in. Peter didn’t listen properly when the grown-ups were talking about grades and exams and attendance and open days. Peter had been certain he’d hate St Hendricks, but he couldn’t help being mesmerised by it. He needed to read more books about old schools, that’s what he thought.

They were stood to the side of one wide corridor when the bell went, and the corridor soon filled with students. It felt much like any school for a moment there, the same noisy babbling, just with much less shouting, and no swearing. Maybe that was because they could see the headteacher. They were gone as soon as they’d appeared, and something about them was different. Peter couldn’t quite put his finger on what.

- 

It was only a little while later, while touring the English department, that Peter realised what it was. 

"They wear uniforms!" 

They did indeed, with burgundy and navy striped blazers, ties, and smart shoes. Some wore skirts, black pleated, and some wore smart black trousers. The girls had straw hats, and Peter saw that a few of the boys had hats on their tables.

Tony laughed at the dismayed look on his face. "It’s not the end of the world, Pete" 

"The uniform isn’t optional” Mr Pipe-Fowler said. “You would soon get used to wearing it”

“It’s a fine uniform” Tony said. “A proper traditional school uniform”  

Mr Pipe-Fowler smiled at him. “Thank you. Now, I will say, the coat and hats are optional. Everything else is not. We try to keep a high standard of appearance here" 

"Uniforms aren’t so bad, kiddo” Tony said, trying not to laugh again. “Some countries have a uniform in every single school, you know" 

Peter didn’t say anything. He looked again at the students. He didn’t want to wear the uniform. It made the whole rich-kids-school feel far too real.

-

Peter’s head was spinning with information, so much so that he was certain the building grew bigger at every turn. 

“Now, Peter, are you athletic?” Mr Pipe-Fowler asked.

Peter shrugged. Tony tutted at him.

“He’s not hugely into sport, but he’s physically fit” Tony said. “He’s strong. I daresay he’d be good at anything he dared try”

Peter didn’t like the idea of PE, especially not here. It’d all be strange sports like la cross and croquet, he was sure of it. He hadn’t done PE once at his last school. Somehow, he didn’t think he’d be able to get out of it so easily here. 

-

They saw the pitches and fields, the gym and the sports hall and tennis courts. Tony was impressed, and Mr Pipe-Fowler proud. Peter was neither of these things. 

“Now, there’s one more sports facility to see” Mr Pipe-Fowler said. “Our pool was refurbished not six months ago, and is now better than ever. Our swim team is rather successful”

Tony looked at Peter. “You like swimming, don’t you?” 

Peter didn’t respond. Tony turned back to Mr Pipe-Fowler.

“He’s a cracking little swimmer. He used to use the pool at home a lot”

“It’s the best exercise you can do, swimming. Now then-”

He pushed open the door to the pool. It was a huge L-shaped pool with diving boards at the deep end. There were benches and pegs at the shorter edges of the pool, and bleachers down the two longest walls, one of which was broken down the middle where a door lead to the changing rooms. 

Peter watched the class swimming. One girl was at the side of the pool with her arms up on the edge, talking to the swim teacher. She felt herself being watched, and spotted Peter, making eye contact. She stuck her tongue out at him. Peter paused for a moment, surprised, and then stuck his own tongue out at her. She grinned.

“Peter!” Tony gave him a nudge. 

Mr Pipe-Fowler merely laughed. “Looks like you’ve made a friend. This class are your age, Peter. You may end up crossing paths if you join us”

Peter looked back over at the pool. The girl had started swimming again. She was ok at it. Tony put a hand on the small of Peter’s back.

“Come on, kiddo”

-

Peter felt like he’d been walking the school for hours, and he had. 

“There was one thing” Tony said. “We were wondering about the houses in the grounds”

“Oh yes” Mr Pipe-Fowler said. “The boarding houses”

“All three?”

“Yes. One is all male, one all female, and the other is mixed. Would you care to take a look?”

“Perhaps, but just for curiosities sake. We’re not really thinking of boarding just yet”

“Well, no harm in looking”

-

Peter thought about what the boarding house would be like. He imagined huge rooms with little iron bedsteads crammed in, with crates at the end for storage. He imagined curtain-less windows and bare floorboards and dim lighting. He imagined a strict adult in charge, inspecting the rooms and going mad at any bit of dust. He imagined children scrubbing floors and a rule of lights out by 9pm. He knew his ideas were based on stereotypes and the foundling book, but he had no other knowledge to go on.

“The layouts are all much the same” Mr Pipe-Fowler said. “I shall show you the mixed house” 

He opened the gate. The sign on it said ‘Scots-Pine’. Mr Pipe-Fowler saw Peter looking at it.

“The girls house is Bay Laurel, and the boys house is White Willow” 

He rapped on the door knocker of Scots-Pine. The door was opened by an old man with a white moustache and big round glasses.

“Head master, good day to you” he said. “Doing a tour today, I see”

“Indeed, Mr Hardwood. Apologies for the intrusion”

“Oh, nonsense!” Mr Hardwood looked at Peter. “Are you going to be coming to live with us, young man?”

Peter shrank away from him, and would have hid behind Tony if he had been allowed. 

“We’re looking partly out of curiosity” Tony said. “We’re not thinking of boarding”

“Well you can change your mind at any time” Mr Hardwood said, handing a master key to Mr Pipe-Fowler. “Do stay clear of room 12 today, headmaster. Gracie May is ill today”

“Of course. Well” he looked at Tony. “Shall we?”

They were shown the downstairs first. Peter was surprised at the large dining room and kitchen.

“The boarding masters encourage the children to cook for themselves” Mr Pipe-Fowler said. “Many of them do, at least weekly. Meals are provided otherwise, although the children do have to help out sometimes”

Peter was even more surprised at the conservatory and the big living room with sofas and beanbags and a television. He was less surprised at the big study, but he did find it hard to imagine that everyone really did sit and do their homework there. He quite liked that the place looked lived-in, as-in, there were shoes and books and pencils littered about the place, and pictures on the walls and statues on the cabinets.

“Is it all dorm-room accommodation?” Tony asked as they headed upstairs.

“No. The biggest dorm here is eight bed, but most dorms are four or six. There’s several twos and single rooms too. Some prefer their own rooms, and some enjoy sharing with friends” Mr Pipe-Fowler explained. “I don’t know how tidy these rooms are, so please excuse any mess. I’ll show you a few anyway”

Peter imagined pin-neat, pristine rooms with turned down bedspreads and meticulously placed ornaments. Mr Pipe-Fowler unlocked the eight bed room and showed them in. 

Peter stood still in surprise for a moment. He was met with a large room, with wooden beds and chairs and chests of drawers and storage boxes, which was what he had expected. What he hadn’t expected was different bedding on every bed, clothes and books piled on chairs, shoes and sweet wrappers on the floor, and posters on the walls. 

“As you can see, they do make themselves at home. Most of the children go home during holidays, but not all of them”

“Do you have some people here all the time then?” Tony asked, knowing Peter would want to know.

“Yes, two or three in each house, right now. Shall we see a couple more rooms?”

They were shown a four-bed, which was similarly as homely as the eight-bed. Peter liked that some beds had cuddly toys propped up on the pillows. 

“Now, this room is currently empty” Mr Pipe-Fowler said, showing them into a single room. “As you can see, they start off with all the essentials. They’re welcome to bring whatever they want with them, within reason, of course. When they live here much of the year, it’s only fair that we let them make themselves at home. Many of them love the communal aspects of boarding. The three houses often get together some evenings, and they are welcome to visit each other between the houses”

“It’s great” Tony said. “Honestly, it’s nothing like I expected. I really did think of it as basic, bare essential accommodation. I couldn’t have been more wrong”

Peter saw the look on his face: he was impressed, thoughtful. He was considering. Peter took his hand, and Tony came back to reality. He looked at Peter, and smiled.

“Don’t look so worried. You know we said you’d stay at home”

“You do what’s best for you” Mr Pipe-Fowler smiled. “Now, shall we return to the office? We have a few more things to discuss”

-

Peter felt funny when they got back into the car. He’d seen the way Mr Pipe-Fowler and Tony were talking and interacting. He’d seen the way Tony had looked while they toured the school. He’d seen the hopeful look when Mr Pipe-Fowler had offered Peter a place. He’d seen Mr Pipe-Fowler looking hopeful when he told them to go away and think, and let him know on Monday.

“It’s up to you” Tony repeated as they drove home. “We’ll have a think. We can talk about it, and you can decide whether or not you want to accept the place”

Peter stayed quiet. He didn’t know whether he wanted to accept or not. 

“It’s such a fantastic opportunity, sweetheart” Tony said. “You could do anything, going to a place like that. The head was impressed with you, I could tell. They’d give you all the support you need. Imagine, they’ve even got their own qualified therapist on site. You should consider that too, along with the rest of it”

“You really want me to go, don’t you?”

“We’ve got the weekend to think about it. It’s your decision” he was quiet for a moment. “But yes, I do want you to go there”

“I don’t think I want to”

“You’ve gotta go somewhere, kiddo”

Peter wished he wasn’t right.

-

Peter took off his jeans and blazer and pulled on a pair of joggers. He felt much more himself this way. He looked at his beside table. The frame from May’s box of work stuff was still face-down. He sighed and righted it. He felt like he should say something, but he couldn’t think of anything. Instead, he went and sat at the top of the stairs, thinking. 

After a little while, Tony joined him, handing him a mug of hot chocolate.

“Waiting for the postman?”

Peter nodded. “I’ve been so horrible to him recently”

“It’s not your fault he left”

“I miss him”

“I do too” he changed the subject. “Have you thought any more about St Hendricks?”

“I’m still weighing up the pro’s and con’s” 

Tony nodded. “Ok. Well, as we said, we’ve got until Monday”

Peter looked down at his mug. It was one of Loki’s, with a picture of two rough collies on it.

“Hey, dad?”

“Yes, son?”

“Is he gonna come home?”

Tony stayed quiet. Just when Peter thought he wasn’t going to answer, he said:

“I hope so”

*


	16. It's Complicated But Understand Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peter accepts his place at St Hendricks, but as the first day approaches, he feels like he’s made a horrible mistake

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The offer of a oneshot/chapter dedication for whoever can guess the chapter title connection still stands.
> 
> But, I am extending the offer to anyone who knows the book referenced in this chapter.
> 
> As always questions/comments welcome

-

Tony let Peter think. He was busy thinking too, but more about his absent husband and less about the school. To him, the school was easy. It was a great school and they wanted Peter. Giving the kid a choice was a bit of a trust exercise: he knew that if he had any sense, he’d accept the place. 

Loki was far more tricky. He’d sent a few postcards, all with impersonal messages, and from locations with little to no correlation. At first it had seemed like a redo of the honeymoon, but soon the postcards came from other places. He never wrote more than a sentence, and he never gave a return address.

Tony didn’t know where to start. Loki had, on occasion, disappeared for a day or two. But when he did this, he always took his phone, kept in touch, and told Tony exactly where he was. He never went out of the country without prior notice, and he had never done anything like this before. Tony couldn’t guess where he was going to go next. Truthfully, he wanted to leave him to it, let him sort himself out. But, he also wanted more than one line scribbled in a different language on a postcard. He wanted to know he was ok. He wanted to know that he was definitely coming back soon. He’d promised in his initial letter, but that didn’t mean anything. Even if he kept to his promise, he might not be back for years. That was something Tony had to face up to. His husband had walked out on him, and he didn’t know if he was going to come back. And if he did come back, he didn’t know whether he’d be back for good. 

- 

Peter spent most of Saturday and Sunday at the library. One benefit of not being at school was that he could go there. Tony never had a problem with it, provided that he was back at a reasonable time. Peter had grown fond of Abby, the librarian, and was happy spending his days talking to her, and sitting in the armchair reading and forgetting the world.

- 

On Sunday evening, Tony sat down in the kitchen with Peter. 

“Have you made a decision about St Hendricks yet?" 

Peter shrugged. He’d been trying not to think about it. 

"You know we have to let them know tomorrow. You need to decide. It’s high time you were back at school anyway. You’ve been sitting around the house for long enough" 

"I haven’t been sitting around the house: I’ve been at the library” Peter pointed out. 

“Don’t be pedantic. Now, please, have another think about St Hendricks” he checked his watch. “It’s six o’ clock now. I want an answer by no later than eight. Ok?" 

Peter nodded. 

"Ok. Off you go, then" 

Peter went off to his room and flopped down on the bed. He thought about St Hendricks. He thought about the head teacher and the boarding master and the legality of corporal punishment and the uniforms and the social class. He thought about the science lab and the drama studio and the swimming pool and the locker room. He thought about the old wooden doors and the stone walls and the sports fields. 

And he thought about Tony. He might be pretending everything was ok, but Peter still heard him crying at night. He knew Tony was heartbroken. And he also knew he was doing his best despite that. He thought about the look on his face while they were looking round St Hendricks. He thought about how impressed and hopeful he had seemed. 

Part of Peter wanted to reject the school. He didn’t want to be lumped in with a load of rich kids and strict teachers. He didn’t want to sit in a classroom day after day pretending he cared about schoolwork and trying to keep up appearances. It would save Tony money too. Peter had seen the list of school fees they’d been given, and he’d been surprised and a little bit horrified to find just how much they were. He knew Tony was rich, unbelievably so, but he still didn’t understand how he could be happy shelling out thousands of dollars a term for his education. Maybe he was mad. 

- 

Peter stayed quiet all through dinner. He stayed quiet while he washed up and helped tidy the kitchen. He stayed quiet when they went to the living room and put the telly on while Tony started looking at spreadsheets on his laptop. He kept an eye on the time. 

At eight o’ clock, Tony closed his laptop and turned to the boy. 

"It’s eight o’ clock, sweetheart" 

Peter looked at him. He really, really didn’t want to go. He swallowed hard, and opened his mouth to say so. 

"Ok" 

He surprised himself, and Tony looked at him. 

"Ok? Is that a yes?" 

Peter paused. He wanted so badly to shake his head. But he looked at Tony, and he knew just how disappointed he’d be if he did. So he nodded. 

"Yes. I-I’ll accept the place" 

Tony moved his laptop aside and hugged the boy close. "We’ll get you kitted out this week then, son" 

Peter rested his chin on Tony’s shoulder and closed his eyes. This was a mistake, he just knew it. It would be just like the last school. 

- 

Peter did hope that Tony might change his mind. He woke up late on Monday morning, and went through to the kitchen, still half asleep. 

"It’s all sorted” Tony said, smiling at him. “You’re starting next Monday" 

"What?!” Peter exclaimed, suddenly wide awake. “But I’m not ready! It’s too soon!" 

"Peter, darling. You’ve had time. Your bruises are mostly gone. We’ll get your uniform and everything else this week, and we’ll be fully prepared and ready for you to start”

“But-" 

"Ah, now don’t argue with me. You have to start some time, and I rather think sooner is better than later" 

Peter tried to think of an excuse. "But what about Loki?" 

This comment stopped Tony in his tracks. He was quiet for a moment, but then swallowed very hard and looked at him properly. 

"We don’t know when he’s coming back, if at all” Tony said. “We can’t wait around just so he can send you off in the morning. No, you’ll start on Monday”

“No! I don’t want to!" 

"Peter, you will start at St Hendricks on Monday morning and that’s final!" 

He said it so firmly that Peter dare not argue. 

"I’ll drive you, of course. It’s a little far to walk, so it’ll be lifts every day” Tony said. “They’ll need to go through some stuff with you on Monday morning so we’ll aim to get there early. Hey, I’m up to date with my work, so maybe we should go out now and get a few bits" 

"Oh. Um, well, I was gonna go the the library" 

"Ok, ok. Tomorrow then?" 

Peter nodded. He supposed they’d have to go sooner or later. 

- 

The next few days were an uncomfortable mad rush. Tony had a great time - Peter did not. He was pushed from shop to shop and grew more and more stressed by the minute. He got stroppy with Tony, but Tony didn’t let it put him off. He stayed calm and fairly happy for three days of shopping, excited by the prospect of Peter starting at a school like St Hendricks. 

On Thursday night, Peter sat on the bed and looked at all of his new things. He felt that, by rights, he should be excited. But he wasn’t. He looked at his new shoes and satchel and pencil case and stationary set. He looked at his new notebook and water bottle and trainers and football boots. He looked at his tennis and badminton rackets, at his lacrosse and hockey sticks and his various PE uniforms. He looked at his actual uniform, hung up on the wardrobe, with its painfully smart shirt and trousers, it’s burgundy and navy striped blazer, and its tie. There was no mistaking that it was anything other than a private school uniform. He was adamant that he’d never wear the hat. 

He looked at all the extras, the new socks and underwear and an expensive wrist watch. He looked at the towel and PE kit bag and the hand sanitiser and box of plasters and gloves and boiled sweets. He looked at his new wallet and tin of shoe polish. 

And he hated all of it. 

- 

With all the shopping done, Peter escaped and went to the library on Friday. Abby quickly realised he was upset. 

"What’s the matter, chicken?" 

"I’m starting school on Monday. Dad’s gone and got me a whole load of new stuff. I know I should be grateful, and I kinda am, but I just, I’m just…”  

“Scared?" 

Peter nodded. "What if it all goes wrong?" 

"What if it doesn’t?”

Peter blinked. “I really don’t want to go" 

"I know, chicken. But you don’t have a choice. You need your education" 

"I know. But I don’t think I can. Everything is still so difficult" 

"You need to let yourself heal” she gave him a hug. “When my Martha died, God rest her soul, I spent a long time refusing to recover. Once you make the decision to move on, it’ll get easier. It will still hurt, and you’ll still miss her, of course you will. But it will move to the back of your mind. Maybe having something to occupy yourself will help" 

"I hope you’re right…”

“But you don’t think I am, do you?”

Peter shrugged slightly. “It’s all so hard. I didn’t realise I was so weak until it happened”

“I don’t think you’re weak. You’re allowed to struggle, and you’re allowed to grieve”

Peter sighed. “I wish I didn’t have to go. I’m just fed up”

“Of course you are. Is that why you come here? To escape from it all?”

“Kind of. Being here, that first time, it was the happiest I’d felt since the accident. It’s kinda comforting… It is an escape though. I don’t like home much right now. I’ve got to go to the doctors this afternoon too. I don’t want to do that either”

“We all have to do things we don’t want to do. Sometimes those things we don’t want to do turn out to be for the best. You just have to stick at it. Things do get better, you know”

-

Tony picked Peter up from the library in time to take him to the doctors for his jabs. In the car on the way home, he brought up one of Peter’s most hated subjects.

“The school has registered you with their on-site therapist”

“What?! But dad, I said I don’t want to talk to anyone!”

“Yes, and that’s exactly why I think you should. It really does help. You’ll have two sessions a week, and then it’ll go down depending on your progress”

Peter stared at him. “Please don’t do this! Call them up and say you’ve changed your mind”

“No. Now stop arguing. It’s about time you learnt how to do as you’re told”

Peter folded his arms over his chest and turned away from him. Tony sighed.

“Look, sometimes when I make you do things you don’t want to do, it really is for the best. We need to be proactive about your recovery” 

Peter didn’t say anything.

“Look, kid, I care about you. I’m only trying to do what’s best”

“Have you had any more postcards?”

Tony sighed heavily. “The postman hadn’t been when I left”

-

The postman had been when they returned to the house. There was a padded envelope on the doorstep. Tony opened it, and found another smaller padded envelope, addressed to Peter. 

“Here, this is yours” he handed it to the boy, taking the postcard out of the big envelope.

It wasn’t quite a postcard, although the back was set out like one. It was a photograph of Pooley Bridge. There was no real message this time, just ‘ _Loki xxx_ ’ written on the back.

“What does it say?” Peter asked.

Tony showed him. “What’s in yours?”

“Oh. Um”

Peter opened the envelope, and found a big bag of flying saucer sweets. A note on scrap paper was taped to it, which read ‘ _sorry_ ’ in Loki’s familiar writing. Peter read that one word over and over.

“He hasn’t forgotten” Peter said eventually. 

“No” Tony said, looking back at the photograph in his hand. “He hasn’t”

-

Peter lost it on Sunday night. Absolutely, flat-out, lost it. 

“Hey hey hey, come on now, what’s all that noise about?” Tony hugged him tight, rubbing his back. “Come on now. Have you hurt yourself?”

“I don’ wanna go to school!”

“ _That’s_ what this is about?” Tony took a very deep breath. “Darling, come on, quiet now. It’s gonna be fine. There won’t be another Ryan”

“How do you know?!”

“I just do”

He didn’t, of course: he just hoped. He needed Peter to settle. He was willing to look after him, but all of the disturbed nights from Peter’s nightmares were beginning to take their toll.

“Listen to me, Peter. If you keep convincing yourself that it’s going to be horrible and that you’ll hate it, then it will be, and you will. So you need to go in with an open mind. It could be fun?” he tried.

“How could it  _possibly_ be fun?” Peter cried. “I don’ wanna go to some jolly-hockey-sticks posh-nob school”

“You’ve already accepted the place. You’re going. I know you’re scared, and I know you’re hurting, but you haven’t got a choice. Come on, stop crying now. You need to have a bath and an early night”

“What’s the point?”

“Peter, don’t be difficult” 

“I’m not  _being_ difficult!”

“Yes, you are” Tony said, holding him at arms length. “Stop”

Peter sniffed, wiping his eyes and nose on his sleeve. He kept his hand up by his mouth, trying to calm down. 

“Breathe” Tony went over to the sink, filling him a glass of water. “Here”

Peter took the glass and took a gulp.

“Ah, you’ll give yourself hiccups. Just sip it. Slowly”

Peter did as he was told. He was tired out.

“Good. Right. Sit down”

Peter did. Tony sat next to him, stroking his hair back over his sweaty forehead.

“You’re so thin now, son” he said sadly. “What happened to my sparky little lad who could quite easily eat me out of house and home?”

“A building fell on his head”

Tony flinched slightly. “Peter. It’s nearly April now”

Peter knew what he was getting at. The accident had happened nearly three months ago. Sometimes it felt like much longer. Sometimes it felt like it had only happened last week.

“The therapy sessions will help” Tony said. “You’ll get better. I just think you need some help”

“What if I never get better?”

“You will. I did. And… Loki did… You’re allowed to move on, you know”

“I thought I was dead”

Tony drew his hand back. “What?”

“When I woke up. And it was all cloudy and foggy and dusty and there were flashing lights and unrecognisable voices and everything felt heavy”

Tony squeezed his shoulder.

“I texted Ned today” Peter said. “I don’t know why. I hadn’t replied for ages”

“What did you say?”

Peter took his phone out, opening the right message and showing it to him. 

 

_[Ned] Flash asked after you today! D: o:_

_[Peter] Hey Ned. Sorry I haven’t been replying. I’m not trying to cut you off. I’m just having a hard time. I’m not coming back to Midtown. I went to another school for a while but it didn’t work out. I’m starting another one on Monday. Hope everything is ok with you_

_[Ned] It’s good to hear from you! Good luck on Monday! Maybe we can meet up soon?_

“You haven’t replied to this last one”

“I couldn’t think of what to say. I never can” 

Tony handed him the phone back. “Go and have your bath”

-

Peter would let Tony say goodnight. He slammed his bedroom door and insisted on being left alone. As he attempted to settle down and sleep, his mind was filled with the book he’d just finished. He’d found it on Loki’s shelves in the reading nook, a childs book about two girls who move to a boarding school with their parents. He’d started it because of the school, but got more than he bargained for. The final twist saw the death of one of the sisters as she plummeted from the school tower, and this swamped Peter’s mind. He’d cried reading the final chapter, and he screwed his face up now, trying to block out the feeling of falling. 

He fell asleep, but the story invaded his subconscious. Looking back, he wasn’t sure if, in the dream, he was experiencing it, or if he was the girl from the book. He was tangled in hot and cold, balancing precariously, the evening wind blowing in his face as the window disappeared. He heard the screams, saw the bright flashes from fireworks filling the sky. The crowd shrieked, and he shouted to let them know it was only him, tugging the shawl from his head, tugging too hard - wobbling, slipping, falling. All in a second, he watched the tower window get further away, watched the ground get closer, seeing his death, terrified, screaming - 

Peter woke up, tangled in his bedding, still screaming in the pitch black, trapped between dream and reality, unable to see, unable to breathe, unable to see what was real and what was not.

In an instant strange light flooded the room, hands untangled him from the quilt and pulled him close. 

“Hey, ok, ok darling, I’ve got you, you’re ok”

“No! No! Help, please help, don’t let me fall! I’m sorry, Pearl! Help!!” Peter screamed.

Tony held him tight, stroking his hair firmly. “It was just a dream. It was only a dream. I’ve got you. You’re safe, Peter. You’re safe with me”

Peter stopped screaming, coming back to reality, and starting to sob instead. Tony rocked him, trying to calm here.

“There now, sweetheart. Shh. It was just a dream”

He couldn’t help thinking that something had to be done about these nightmares. He knew Peter would refuse a doctors appointment, but maybe he’d have to force him, just this once. It wasn’t that he was fed up comforting and looking after the boy; it was just that the disturbed nights were wearing him out. 

-

Once Peter had stopped crying, Tony gently pushed him off his lap so they could talk face-to-face. 

“There now. Are you alright?”

Peter wiped his face with his sleeve and said nothing. 

“Sweetheart. Talk to me”

“I’m so scared… I can’t go to this school, I just can’t”

“What happened in your nightmare?” 

Peter turned his head away. He didn’t want to talk about it, and Tony realised this.

“Ok. Whatever it was, it was just a dream. Nothing more” he checked his watch. “It’s late, and you’ve got to be up in the morning. Let’s get you a drink and then see if you can get back to sleep”

-

Peter had his drink and sat quietly with the empty glass in his hands. Tony gave him a quick hug.

"Ok, back to sleep now” he said, standing up and taking the glass from him. “You need the rest” 

Peter swallowed hard. “I can’t do this” 

Tony sighed. “You’ve gotta go to school, kiddo. Look, it was just a dream. You’re fine. Go back to sleep”

“I can’t stop thinking about it”

“The nightmare?”

“The book”

“Which book?”

Peter picked a book up from the floor, handing it to him. Tony vaguely recognised it. Loki had read it before, he was sure. He flicked through the pages, catching a few words about boarding schools and attic rooms. He flicked to the back, reading the final event and skim-reading the aftermath. He sighed heavily.

“This is a kids book, an absolute work of fiction, and you’re letting it dictate your feelings towards St Hendricks. Please, just be reasonable. Reading drama books and making silly stereotype-based assumptions is so counterproductive. You’re just working yourself up into a silly state over nothing”

“It might be a drama but it’s not fantasy! It  _could_ happen, you know it could!”

“No it couldn’t. Now stop being so silly. You’ve been offered a place at a prestigious private school - which you accepted - which will set you up for life. It’s an incredible opportunity and you need to understand how lucky you are to be presented with it”

“That’s what they said in the book” Peter mumbled.

“Will you just forget the silly book, please?” he turned the book over in his hands, glancing at the blurb. “Next time you want to read something, bring it to me first so I can decide whether or not it’s suitable. I don’t care if it’s kids books; if they’re giving you nightmares, I’m not letting you read them”

“The thought of school is what’s giving me nightmares”

“The sooner you start your lessons and counselling sessions, the better. Settle down. I’m going back to bed soon” 

“I don’ wanna be alone…” Peter whimpered, knuckling his eyes.

Tony sighed. “Ok, alright, alright. I’ll stay with you”

He made Peter lie down and climbed into bed beside him, tucking him in and holding him close. 

“Now go to sleep”

-

Peter felt sick when he woke up. Truly, dreadfully sick. His head was banging, his throat was sore, his mouth was dry, and he felt weird and shaky.

“Let’s get your breakfasted” Tony said. “ _Before_ you get dressed. I don’t want you spilling stuff all down your new uniform”

Peter looked at his uniform, set out waiting for him. It made him feel even worse.

“I don’t feel well…” he croaked.

“You’re just nervous. You’ll feel better with a full stomach, trust me. Come on, get up! Big day today!”

Peter stayed where he was, shivering. Tony felt his forehead.

“You’re fine. We’ll have breakfast, and then you can have a quick wash and get dressed. We’ve got plenty of time yet”

-

Peter felt a lot less ill after having breakfast and a wash, but he still felt sick with nerves. He was scared, and he didn’t know how to deal with it, so he kicked off. 

“Peter, how many times? You’re going whether you like it or not”

“Well I  _don’t_  like it! I don’t wanna go to school with a bunch of toffee-nosed twats!”

“Peter! How many times do I have to tell you not to swear? I should wash your mouth out with soap” he shook his head. “Now go and get into your uniform”

“No! I don’t want to do this! It’s not fair!” 

Tony looked at him, feeling fed up. He knew he was playing up because he was upset and scared. The tears in his eyes were proof enough of that. Still, it wasn’t the best time for him to kick off. Tony grabbed him and dragged him to his room.

“Ow! Hey, what are you doing?”

“Well, if you won’t get into your uniform yourself, then I’ll do it for you”

-

Within a couple of minutes, Tony had managed to quench Peter’s anger. With the boy calm (but still crying delicately), Tony managed to coax him into his school clothes. Peter stood awkwardly, shuffling inside his new uniform. 

“I don’t like it. Why does it have to be so tight?”

“It’s not  _tight_ , Peter: it’s fitted. You look  _good_ , like a proper little gent. Hey, do your top button back up! Stand up straight, lets get a proper look at you” he twitched Peter’s uniform, tweaking his collar and straightening his tie and blazer. “There. Put your hat and shoes on”

“I’m not wearing the hat”

“Oh, go on; it’ll be dead cute”

“I’m not wearing the hat”

“Fine, fine. Get your shoes on then” 

He picked up Peter’s new satchel, checking the contents and nodding approvingly. 

“Why did we have to get a satchel?” Peter asked, wrinkling his nose as Tony did the straps back up. “I’m used to backpacks”

“It’s a backpack satchel” Tony pointed out. “You can wear it just the same. It’s just loads nicer”

Peter looked at the thin straps and buckle closings on the brown leather. Tony saw his face.

“It’s a lovely bag! Don’t you like it? It’s a proper bag, not one of your chainstore rubbish ones that only lasts five minutes”

Peter knew. He’d been there when they’d bought it. Tony hadn’t blinked handing over $250 for the simple bag (“It’s real leather, a proper Cambridge Satchel Company bag”). Peter had objected, saying the $10 ones he always had were more than good enough, but Tony had said that if he was going to a proper posh school, he should have the bag to match. He hadn’t given him much say in any of his school supplies. Peter tried hard not to be ungrateful, but he didn’t like the satchel, or a lot of the other stuff. He still found it hard to understand how Tony could spend so much money on a single item without blinking. 

- 

"It’s freezing out there today. Where did you put your new coat?" 

Peter whined quietly. The duffel coat Tony had bought him was another hated item. He’d shoved it in the back of the shoe cupboard, hoping Tony wouldn’t remember it. 

"Can’t I just wear a hoodie?" 

"Certainly not! I don’t think hoodies are St Hendricks approved. Your new coat is lovely. Where is it?" 

"In the shoe cupboard" 

"Go and get it, then!" 

Peter didn’t have a choice. He retrieved the coat, holding it over his arm. 

"Put it on then” Tony said. 

“Do I have to?" 

"Yes. Come on, you can’t go out without a coat, not on a day like today" 

Peter reluctantly pulled the coat on. Tony did the buttons and toggles up for him.

"It looks good!" 

Peter wasn’t convinced. "I look like Oliver Tate" 

Tony laughed. Peter undid the buttons and toggles, adjusting the coat edges. He looked at himself in the mirror. It was certainly better undone. He kept looking at himself, in his smart shoes and uniform and posh coat. He didn’t look like himself at all. 

"Hey, don’t cry!” Tony pulled him close. “I know, you’re nervous" 

"I don’t want to go! It doesn’t feel  _right_!” he went to wipe his eyes with his sleeve, but Tony stopped him quickly. 

“Not on your sleeve! Here” he felt in Peter’s front blazer pocket, pulling out the handkerchief Loki had given him, and dabbing at the boys face. “You don’t want soggy cuffs on your new uniform" 

"I can’t use that in  _school_!" 

"Of course you can! All the other kids will. Come on now, stop crying. You don’t want to turn up with red eyes now, do you?" 

Peter focused on his breathing, and after a few minutes he was quiet. Mostly. Tony kissed his nose. 

"Right, I think we’d better be going soon” Tony said. “Did you brush your hair this morning?" 

"Um.." 

Tony grabbed a comb and dragged it through Peter’s hair. 

"Oooowww! You’re pulling my head off!" 

"Don’t be such a drama queen. It’s all knotted. Honestly Peter, have the gorilla’s been at it in the night?" 

"I don’t know, have you?" 

"Oi! Cheeky! Hold still, will you? It’ll take longer if you keep wiggling" 

Peter whined and stopped struggling. It felt like Tony was carving grooves into his skull with the comb, and he was relieved when he stopped. 

"There” Tony said. “Much better" 

"Is it?" 

"Yes. Now” he picked up Peter’s satchel and handed it to him. “Let’s get you to school" 

- 

Peter sat in the car with the posh satchel on his lap, looking down at his highly polished shoes. Everything about it felt so wrong. 

When they parked up in front of the school he felt like he really might throw up. It was eight thirty. Tony had said they’d been told to get there early. They had things to sort out, he said. 

"Good morning Peter, Mr Stark” Mr Pipe-Fowler greeted them at reception. 

He had another student with him, a pretty girl in the top year with long blonde hair and a big smile. Her short skirt showed off a lot of long, thin leg. Peter looked up at Mr Pipe-Fowler instead. 

“My, my, you really  _are_  nervous!” he said, looking at the trembling boy before him. “Now, I’ve got something for you" 

He handed Peter an A4 size whiteboard, thick with wooden edges, and a four-pack of dry erase markers; black, blue, red, and green. Peter took it, struggling to keep hold of it he was shaking so much. He looked at Tony for answers. 

"We understand you’re non-verbal” Mr Pipe-Fowler continued. “So you can use the whiteboard to communicate with us. Now, these are also for you” he handed him a ring bound school planner, and a timetable. “We do things by week here. You’ll notice that your timetable is split into week one and week two. It’s always advertised in reception which week it is, so you shouldn’t get stuck. This week is week one, so you’ll be looking at the top timetable. Please take care of your planner. All of your homework slips and important notices will need to go in there. Now, I believe you’ve been told about seeing Miss Marns?" 

Peter looked at Tony again, but Mr Pipe-Fowler answered. 

"She’s our on-site therapist” he said. “We’ve put you down for two sessions a week right now. Mondays and Thursdays. You’ll be delivered a note telling you where to go for it" 

Peter looked at his feet. He felt embarrassed having it talked about to openly, especially in front of the girl, who was still by the headmasters side. 

"Now, Peter, I’d like you to meet Alison. She’s going to be your Big Sister" 

Peter looked up, and Alison grinned at him. 

"Hey, Little Brother!" 

Even Tony seemed confused now. "Big Sister?” he questioned. 

“It’s something of a scheme we use when people join us mid-term. At the start of a term, the children tend to learn their way around together with the maps, (there’s one on the back of your timetable), but of course this doesn’t happen with single children joining. Alison here will show Peter around, taking him to and from lessons, letting him get to know the layout for the first three days. On the last two days of the week, she will see him in the morning and afternoon, and after that, twice a week to see how he’s getting on. She’ll look after him" 

"Oh, I  _see_ ” Tony said. “Well, that sounds like a good idea to me" 

"You’ll be in form H3, Peter” he said. “Alison here will guide you” he checked his watch. “It’s nearly time for registration. Say goodbye to your father now”

A big part of Peter wanted to scream and shout and cling to Tony and refuse to let go. But he was shaking so much he could hardly move, and his eyes were so filled with tears that he could hardly see. Peter looked at Tony. Behind them, he saw a girl about his own age hugging her father goodbye. No one made fun of her or started shouting things. Peter swallowed very hard and hugged Tony as tight as he could with full hands. He started crying properly, burying his face in his chest.

“I’ll pick you up again after school” he held him at arms length. “No tears, please”

Peter couldn’t help it. He didn’t want to be left here, not on his own. He wanted to go back to the house. 

“Right, be good” Tony kissed Peter’s forehead. “I’ll see you after school”

He chucked him under the chin, bid farewell to Mr Pipe-Fowler, smiled at Alison, and left Peter in their capable hands.

-

Mr Pipe-Fowler wished Peter luck, told him to smile, and left him with Alison. Alison put an arm round his shoulders and hugged him.

“First days are tough” she said. “I joined mid-term, just like you, in the first year. The thought of starting is always worse than the reality”

Peter didn’t say anything. He went to wipe his eyes on his sleeve, thought better of it, and used his handkerchief instead. 

“So, you’re in H3″ she said, walking along with her arm still round him. “Your form tutor is Mrs Hathersage. She’s lovely. She teaches English, and she covers Performing Arts sometimes too. I don’t think she teaches your form though” 

Peter looked at his new white board and pens. He supposed it was a good idea. He thought he should probably write a message to Alison, but he didn’t feel like saying anything at all. He was too scared. Alison didn’t seem to mind. She chatted away to him as she guided him to the H3 form room. 

She didn’t knock, just pushed the door open. The lady stood behind the desk smiled at them.

Alison grinned. “I’ve got your newest form member!” 

“Oh yes, Peter Parker, isn’t it?” She smiled, holding a hand out to Peter. “I’m Mrs Hathersage. I’ll be your form tutor”

Peter shook hands even though he didn’t really want to. He felt ok under Alison’s arm, but meeting new people still felt like a dreadful thing. He glanced round the room. It was surprisingly empty, with less than half of the seats taken. No one was really looking, too absorbed in their own conversations. 

“We’re a bit thin on the ground right now, as you can see” Mrs Hathersage said. “Half the class are away on the Spanish trip. They’ll be back for lessons next week”

Alison gave Peter a quick squeeze. “I’ve got to go and register in my own form, but I’ll be back to take you to your first lesson”

Mrs Hathersage smiled at her. “Thank you, Ali. I’ll see you soon”

Alison gave Peter one final squeeze and skipped off, waving as she went. Peter looked at the space where she’d been, and slowly back to Mrs Hathersage. He could feel everyone looking at him now. It was only a matter of time before things went wrong. He stood there not knowing what to do, shaking like a leaf, tears still in his eyes.

He felt so alone.

*


	17. Some Things We Don't Talk About

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> First days are tough

-

“Now, why don’t you join Malaki for today?” 

Peter looked up, and a boy waved at him. Peter looked at Mrs Hathersage.

“Go on” she said. “He won’t bite”

Peter did as he was told, his pulse beating in his ears. He sat down beside Malaki, putting his satchel on the floor and his whiteboard on the desk.

“Hi” Malaki said. “I can’t believe you got Alison Lee as your Big Sister. You don’t know how lucky you are”

Peter didn’t know what to say to that. He went to wipe the tears from his face, and Malaki grabbed his wrist.

“I wouldn’t use your sleeve if I were you” he said. “The boarding master would go mad if he saw. So would half the teachers”

Peter pulled his hand back and got his handkerchief out.

“So” Malaki said. “ _Are_ you boarding?”

Peter shook his head.

“Shame. Well, I bet your father wouldn’t be happy about you using your sleeve”

Peter looked at his whiteboard and pens. He took out the black one, and scrawled a message.

_What’s the boarding master like? Is he strict?_

Malaki shrugged slightly. “Well, I think they  _all_ are. I’m not well acquainted with all of them. I’m in the mixed house. Mother made sure of it. I’ve got a younger sister living there too, so she wanted me to keep an eye on her. The boarding master there is a little bit strict. I dyed my hair blue once”

Peter looked at his light blond hair, trying to imagine it.

“It was just a temporary dye, one that should last 8-10 washes. Only the boarding master went mad when he saw me. He held my head under the hot tap and scrubbed at me for  _ages_. He didn’t get all the colour out, so he did it again the next morning, and then again that afternoon, until he’d taken all the blue out. My head hurt for days afterwards”

“Malaki” Mrs Hathersage’s voice sounded. “Something you’d like to share with the class?”

“No Miss, I’m just talking to Peter, Miss” Malaki said, shifting uncomfortably.

Mrs Hathersage frowned. “Hold your tongue for five minutes while I do the register, please”

Malaki waited till she wasn’t looking, and leaned over to Peter.

“She’s strict when she wants to be too. You don’t want to get on her bad side. She’s always telling me off. Says I talk too much. I can’t say I know what she means. I think she talks far more than I do”

Peter nodded. He was surprised that Malaki hadn’t immediately moved his chair away and blanked him. It was quite reassuring. 

-

Alison popped up again just as the bell went. 

“Let’s get you to your first class!” she said, taking Peter’s hand. “You’ve got Geography first” 

She kept hold of his hand while they walked. It became quickly obvious that she was popular, as many people waved and said hello to her, teachers included. She was relentlessly cheery and bouncy. She grinned at the geography teacher when they arrived at the lesson.

“Morning, Mr Tucker! Hey Little Brother, do you know how to tell the difference between stalagmites and stalactites? Mites come up, tights come down”

“Alison! Don’t be sordid. He’s only just arrived” Mr Tucker said sternly, but a smile tugged at his lips. “Don’t listen to her, Peter: she’s a bad influence”

“Me, sir? Never, sir!” she said, with a smile like butter wouldn’t melt. “Where do you want him?”

Mr Tucker surveyed the room. “On the third row, if you would. Here”

He handed him an exercise book. Alison gave him a quick hug, told him she’d be back at the end of the lesson, and sauntered off. Peter took his seat at the end of the row. Malaki was over the other side of the room, chatting to the girl next to him. It seemed there wasn’t going to be opportunity for a friendship just yet. Peter swallowed hard, getting out a pencil to fill in the front of his Geography book.

“Peter! Pencils are for diagrams. Write in pen” Mr Tucker barked.

Peter jumped violently, and heard sniggers behind him. 

“You do have a pen, do you not?” 

Peter nodded, getting out the posh Parker fountain pen he’d been bought. Mr Tucker nodded. 

“Don’t let me see you make that mistake again”

Tears spilt from his eyes. He wrote on the cover as best he could through blurry eyes. He could hear whispering behind him. 

“What is  _he_ doing here?” One spiteful voice said. 

“Well” Another said. “You know they offer scholarships here”

The first person scoffed. “Scholarships! What a joke. Why should our parents pay for our schooling when they just let common nobodies in? That explains why he’s here then”

Peter put down his pen, staring down at the desk. He could hear his pulse beating in his ears. His stomach was squeezing, that same horrible feeling he always got when he saw Ryan in a morning. He knew he was shaking. He knew he had tears dripping down his cheeks. This was it. The start of everything going wrong.

-

Peter didn’t do much work in Geography. He was too overwhelmed with emotion to take in much information. He was scared of smudging his work too. Mr Tucker seemed terribly strict, and he rather thought he’d get his knuckles rapped if he made a mess of his book. 

Alison gave him a cuddle when she picked him up from Geography.

“Aww, you’re still so nervous! You’re shaking” she said. “Well, never mind. I know it’s break, but we have to go to the office so they can set up your catering account”

This took most of breaktime. The dining hall had a cashless system. They had a machine, not unlike a cash machine, where students paid their money onto their account to pay for food using a thumb print scanner. Feeling the way he was feeling, Peter doubted very much that he’d ever actually use it.

-

The boy who had scoffed at him under the assumption he was there on a scholarship wasn’t happy about being on the same table as him in History. 

“Why didn’t you start at the beginning of term?” he asked.

Peter didn’t respond. He tried to concentrate on his work. 

“Excuse me, I’m talking to you” the boy frowned. “What, you think you’re too good for us?”

Peter stayed quiet. The boy pushed his whiteboard at him.

“Write something down then!”

Peter didn’t. The boy sighed heavily.

“Whatever. I don’t want to talk to common muck anyway”

Peter stood up and left the room.

-

Peter sat on a chair in the hall, arms folded over his chest, staring at the floor, absolutely furious, and dreadfully upset. A few minutes went by, and Mr Michaels, the class teacher, came into the corridor and sat beside him. He put Peter’s whiteboard and pen on his lap.

“First days are tough” Mr Michaels said. “Do you want to talk about it?”

Peter didn’t, but of course he didn’t say.

“Ignore Nigel. His father is an ambassador so he feels like he owns the school” he said. “He’s also very good at pressing people’s buttons”

Peter looked down at his shoes. 

“Sit up straight” Mr Michaels said. “You’ll wrinkle your uniform”

Peter stayed slumped. 

“Ok” Mr Michaels stood up. “Take a few minutes and gather yourself. Come back in when you’re ready”

-

Alison was surprised to find Peter outside the classroom at the end of the lesson.

“Are you ok? What are you doing out here?”

Peter didn’t respond. Alison went into the history classroom, returning a few moments later with his coat and satchel. 

“Come on; we can’t be late, not on your first day!”

Peter stayed where he was. Alison sat beside him, holding out a purple slip of paper.

“This is yours”

Peter read it.  _Please see Miss Marns in therapy room 3 during third period._

“We’d better be getting you there” she nudged him with her elbow. “First days are tough. Best day for a natter with Miss Marns! You’ll like her”

She stood up, holding a hand out to him. Peter sighed and took it.

-

“You know” Miss Marns said. “These sessions usually work better if you interact with me”

Peter leant against the wall, keeping his eyes on the ground. 

“My aunt died. What else is there to say?”

“She wasn’t the only person in the accident. Have you ever told anyone exactly what happened that day?”

“Why would I?”

“It happened to you, too”

Peter frowned. He didn’t like thinking about that day, let alone talking about it. He shifted round, putting his feet up on the seat next to him. 

“I can see you don’t want to talk about it just yet” Miss Marns said. “What  _would_ you like to talk about?” 

Peter didn’t want to talk about anything, so he said nothing. He felt embarrassed and uncomfortable. He didn’t want to be there at all. 

“Ok, let’s talk about you. What do you do in your spare time?”

Peter shrugged. He usually spent his free time asleep nowadays. Or making a fuss.

“What do you find relaxing?”

Peter felt like she was trying too hard. Relaxation wasn’t really part of his life anymore. Tony tried to get him to relax, although he was a little bit clueless. Loki didn’t try, but then, his own relaxation was more important. He knew how to make himself relax. He’d read and listen to music and watch his weird old videos and colour in. He’d given Peter a colouring book once to keep him quiet, and it had done the trick. 

“Colouring in”

Miss Marns went over to the cabinet, pulling out a colouring book of spiralling patterns and a packet of coloured pencils. She held them out to Peter.

“We want you to be comfortable here. Try to relax”

Peter took the book and pencils reluctantly. He spent a while flicking through the pages, finding a pattern he liked. He sat looking at it for a few minutes. He could feel himself being watched, which was quite off-putting. Regardless, he chose a pencil and started colouring the outer edge of the pattern. 

-

“Incompatible with life, that’s what they said” Peter said, breaking the silence. “They wouldn’t let me see her”

“How did that make you feel?”

“I was upset for quite a long time. She was my family and they kept me away” he said, still colouring. “But now I think, maybe it’s just as well. I have enough nightmares as it is without having that image in my head…” he frowned down at the page. “Mr Loki used to have night terrors. Mr Stark told me so. They used to make him throw up. Every night”

Peter thought about Loki. He’d been sick for a long time, he knew that, since long before they’d met. He was a lot better than he’d been. He was different after the wedding. He got better almost completely. He made friends with Thor and they got close again. He loved his life. Then he went into hospital. He was really ill while he was there. But then he got better again after he was discharged. And he was fine until the accident. Then he’d grown worse and worse until he’d walked out on Tony. 

“Psychology says children are selfish. It’s a survival thing, isn’t it? They have to put themselves first to survive. The world has to revolve around them” Peter said. “That’s why they blame themselves when things go wrong, because they’re the be all and end all to themselves”

“Generally speaking, yes” Miss Marns said. “Why are you thinking that?”

Peter shrugged, swapping for the purple pencil. “Why is colouring therapeutic?”

“I suppose it’s because it’s so methodical. It gives you something to concentrate on where it’s very hard to go wrong”

“Mr Loki had lots of colouring books when he was in hospital. When he woke up he got to spend time outside in the hospital garden. He used to take his books with him. He still has some now”

“What kind of colouring books did he have?”

“He had a load of different ones. Some of them were kids ones. With those thick wax crayons that little kids can hold. Not all of them, though. He had some grown up ones. And a few kinda all-age ones. He liked the mountains and the dinosaurs. He liked colouring the sky. His hands shook a lot so I suppose it was the easiest bit for him to do”

“Did you visit him often?”

Peter nodded. “Whenever I could. It was in the summer, so I didn’t have many obligations. I spent more time there than I did at home. I took his music player. It said online that music might help. I think it did. I don’t know. It blocked out Mr Stark and his brother arguing, anyway” he paused, looking at his work and choosing another colour to carry on with. “May and Pepper tried to visit. May always dropped me off, but she didn’t like going in. Pepper didn’t either. Not when he was asleep. They said it was too upsetting”

“What did you think?”

“I saw him when he was admitted. That was the worst bit. There were all these tubes and wires and everyone was crying. I don’t like it when Mr Stark cries. He doesn’t cry much. So it’s always so much worse when he does”

“I understand”

Peter nodded. “I don’t want to talk any more”

“Ok. We’ve got about fifteen minutes till the bell goes” she picked up her notebook, continuing her notes. “If you decide you want to say more, I’ll listen. If not, then it’s ok. I won’t pressure you”

-

“I’m sorry”

“Why are you sorry?”

“Mr Stark has been trying to get me to talk to someone ever since the accident, but I’ve never wanted to. I don’t feel like talking about it. It won’t make everything alright again”

“No” Miss Marns said. “But it may help you to make sense of what’s going on inside your head”

“I don’t know. Maybe. I- I’m seeing you again, aren’t I?”

“Thursday” she nodded. “They’ll send a purple slip for you”

Peter nodded. “Thank you”

She smiled. “You Big Sister will be waiting for you. Run along and get your lunch”

-

Lunch was the last thing in the world that Peter wanted. Alison showed him where everything was, although she didn’t buy anything herself: she had stuff with her because she had a club at lunchtime. She invited Peter to come along, but he shook his head. 

“You meet me in reception when the bell goes, ok, Little Brother?" 

Peter found a quiet corner under the stairs by one of the cleaning cupboards, and settled down out of sight. It was dark and the wall was cold against his back. It was silent. He got his phone out, rereading the good luck message Ned had sent him that morning. 

He felt so alone. He felt sick. He felt tired. He felt betrayed and scared and upset. He gave up on his handkerchief and cried into his knees, pressing his hands down over his mouth in a futile attempt to muffle the sound. 

- 

It was a bit of a shock when the bell went. He found his way back to reception. Alison had a few other people with her, and they were chatting away in a little group. Peter hesitated. He considered making a run for it, but he was spotted.

"Good afternoon! How are you doing?” Alison put an arm round him. “You have to register with your form tutor again, and then go to your lesson. You’ve got English and Design and Technology this afternoon" 

Peter remembered the English teacher he’d had at his last school. He knew it was irrational, but he thought this new teacher would probably hate him too.

-

Peter grew to dislike Nigel very much. He kept making pointed comments obviously directed at Peter and ‘people like him’. Peter was feeling far too fragile to retaliate or even try to ignore him. He hated himself for allowing his crybaby reputation to follow him into this school, but he couldn’t help it. 

It was tremendously hard to focus on school work. He was used to biros, and the fountain pen was proving a bit of a problem. He felt, in some ways, as though he’d gone back in time. The school didn’t feel quite real. He still had stereotype, largely history-based assumptions swamping his mind. He was waiting for someone to slip up and get caned.

The thing was, none of these kids seemed to slip up. They all seemed perfect, in a way. They sat quietly while the teacher was talking. They talked in hushed tones while they were working. They didn’t shout out. They didn’t drop pens and bottles and smudge ink and clatter their chairs when they stood up. It was almost as though they were programmed to be impeccable students. It was quite intimidating. Malaki’s story about dying his hair blue was the only evidence that they were human at all. 

-

Peter crossed his fingers as Alison walked him to the Design and Technology department. He hoped they were doing electronics. He’d be able to get lost in his work that way. 

His heart sunk when he was showed into a room with sewing machines and ironing boards in it. 

“I love Textiles” Alison said. “My great aunt is a seamstress, so she’s taught me a lot. Hey, Ms Castleton! Wanna meet the newbie?”

“Talk properly, Alison” Ms Castleton said. She smiled at Peter. “You must be Mr Parker”

Peter held his whiteboard a little tighter. 

“You have joined us at the perfect time: your class have only just moved on to this unit, so there will be no catching up to do. Have you done much sewing before?”

Peter swallowed. Alison tapped his whiteboard. 

“Don’t be so shy” she looked at Ms Castleton. “He’s been shaking like this all day”

Peter took the lid off one of his pens and wrote a shaky message.

 _I’ve done a little bit of sewing but I’m not very good at it_.

Ms Castleton nodded. “Well, we’ll soon change that! Now, there’s no practical work to be done today, so please take a seat beside Wendy”

Wendy looked up, pointed a pen to the chair beside her, and looked down again. Alison said goodbye, and Peter had to go and sit down. Wendy was about as plain as her name. She had mousy hair and little round glasses. She was busy titling and dating her DT workbook. She stopped when Peter sat down, setting her pen down and turning to him.

“How do you do? Wendy Williams”

She was unbelievably posh. 

_I’m Peter Parker._

“Pleasure” she picked up her pen and ruler, going back to underline the date.

Peter wasn’t sure if he liked her or not. She didn’t seem interested in him. As soon as Ms Castleton clapped her hands to silence the class, Wendy sat to attention, holding her pen ready to take notes. 

-

The lesson was mostly Ms Castleton talking. She didn’t assign them any homework or tell them the project for the unit because she didn’t want them to have an advantage over the people away on the Spanish trip.

“Of course, I am sure you will share your notes and diagrams with your fellow classmates when they return”

Peter looked down at his book, and across at Wendy’s. She was already on her third page, which, given the A4 workbook, seemed something of an achievement. Her writing was tiny, neat as printed text, joined up and touching the line. Her diagrams were perfect, labelled precisely. Peter hadn’t bothered with the diagrams, and his writing was big and scrawling. Readable, but not exactly neat. He was still struggling with the fountain pen, and he’d smudged a fair amount of his work already that day. He had ink all up the side of his hand, and had to keep his sleeve pushed up so it didn’t get on his blazer. 

Ms Castleton turned to sort out some papers, and Wendy sat back, looking at Peter.

“You’re making an awful mess of your work” she said. “You should get into trouble if you carry on like that”

She offered no solution. Peter scowled, pressing his lips together and pressing down hard on his pen without realising it. 

This was mistake.

The nib snapped, and ink spattered his work book, and half of Wendy’s page. 

‘Good’ Peter thought, seeing the outraged look on her face. Before she had time to say anything, Ms Castleton was in front of them.

“You silly boy! Look at the mess you’ve made of your book, not to mention poor Wendy’s. Whatever will your father say when he finds you’ve broken your pen on your first day? Now now, there’s no need for tears! Step outside and see if you can wash some of that ink off your hands” she walked away tutting and shaking her head.

-

‘It’s a miracle’ Peter thought as he scrubbed at his hands. ‘That none of the ink got on my uniform’.

Since the ink was still wet, he managed to get quite a lot of it off. He was glad he’d not wiped his face with the inky hand. He got off as much of the ink as he could, and dried his hands. He leant against the wall by the sinks, trying to stop crying. He seemed to have made four enemies already. Mr Tucker and Nigel obviously didn’t think much of him, and now he could add Ms Castleton and Wendy to the list. He wiped his face on his sleeve. He knew this was a dreadful idea. He should’ve just said no when Tony had given him the choice.

-

Of course, he did have to return to the classroom. His workbook looked much worse now. The whole rest of the ink cartridge must have leaked out, looking at the inky pool by the broken pen. Wendy had moved, leaving a chair between herself and Peter, wary of more of her work being tainted. Peter sat down heavily, staring at his book through tearful eyes. It was obvious now: he didn’t really belong anywhere. Kids like Ryan hated him, and so did kids like Wendy. 

Maybe he should just skip school until he got expelled. Tony would shout, but he wouldn’t do much else: he was far too fragile for confrontation now that Loki was gone. Well, ok, maybe taking advantage wasn’t the best or kindest idea. Plus, he’d just get sent somewhere else, and he’d have to go through the horrible First Day Feeling over and over again. He’d have to think of another way to cope. He was already going to be in trouble over the pen. That was enough for one day. 

Peter did nothing for the rest of the lesson. He wasn’t interested to begin with, and now that the teacher hated him, he wasn’t going to pretend that he was. 

-

The day felt like it went on for weeks. The final bell felt unreal. Alison met him again, walking him out to the pick up/drop off point. 

“So, how was your first day?” she asked.

Peter didn’t bother answering. He’d spotted one of Tony’s cars. Alison saw where he was looking.

“Is that your lift? I’ll see you tomorrow morning, ok?” she smiled, giving his shoulder a squeeze. “Don’t forget you PE kit. And don’t forget it’s swimming!” 

Peter nodded. He squeezed her hand by way of thanks.

-

Peter climbed into the back seat. Tony turned to smile at him.

“Hello, my darling!” he grinned. “So, how did it go?” 

Peter shoved his satchel in the footwell, plugged his belt in, rested his chin in his hand, and looked at the window. Tony’s smile faltered. The silence, tear-stained face, and trembling were answer enough. He sighed, turning back and starting the engine.

“Let’s get you home. Then you can tell me all about it”

*


	18. Tired Streets

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Previous content:
> 
> I have decided to discontinue this work.
> 
> Update: I've decided to just hiatus this work until I've sorted out all the stuff going on in my life! It's nearing the end of the season and everything is a bit mad. Thanks everyone for their messages of support - hopefully I'll be back up and running in a fortnight or so!
> 
> Things got sorted out faster than expected, so here's chapter 18!
> 
> Peter is forced to face up to the past

-

Tony told Peter to get changed. Peter was all too happy to. He slammed his bedroom door, threw down his ugly satchel, and tore off his hideous uniform. He didn’t bother getting dressed, just crawled into bed and pulled the pillow over his head.

-

“It’s a bit early for bed, isn’t it?”

He lifted the pillow off the boys head. Peter didn’t look at him. Tony sighed. 

“Talk to me, kiddo”

“It’s nothing”

“No, we’re not doing this” he knelt down by the bed. “You refused to talk to me before, and you ended up black and blue as a result. Now, tell me about today. Is it just general first day uncomfortable stuff? Or were people horrible to you?”

Peter stayed quiet. 

“Right. Budge up”

Peter did as he was asked, and Tony climbed into bed with him, pulling him close.

“Ok. Now then. Tell me about today”

Peter closed his eyes, resting his head against Tony’s chest. 

“It’s better than the other one” he said.

And then he told him everything. All about Alison and the teachers and Nigel and Wendy. All about the catering account and the lessons and finally about his fountain pen. Tony listened patiently, and when he’d finished, he hugged him close and let him cry.

“Kids can be territorial. Plus, like you said, half of them are in Spain. You don’t know what the rest of them are like” he said. “It’ll get easier”

“…’m sorry about the pen”

“Oh, don’t worry about that. We’ve got spare nibs. But then, maybe it was a bit silly giving a kid your age such an expensive pen. I’ve got some cheap fountain pens you can have. You can use those till you’re used to them, and then we’ll put the Parker back into circulation, as it were”

Peter swallowed. “So you’re not angry?”

“Not at all”

-

They stayed quiet for some time. 

“Have we heard anything?”

Tony sighed. “Nothing since he sent you those sweets” 

“He will come back… Won’t he?”

“I hope so”

“Do you think he misses you?”

“Why don’t you get some clothes on?” Tony said, sitting up. “Have a think about what you want for tea. We can have anything you want”

“I’m not really hungry”

“Have a think anyway. You could do with the energy. Especially if you’ve got swimming tomorrow”

Peter frowned, but he knew when it was a waste of time continuing a point, so he stayed quiet.

-

Peter really didn’t feel like eating. Tony tried to convince him, offering him various meals he knew he liked, even saying they could order a takeaway if he wanted.

“Thank you, Mr Stark, but I’m just not hungry”

Tony sighed. “Peter, kiddo, you need to have  _something_. There’s got to be something you can stomach?”

Peter shook his head. “I’m sorry. Can I go out?”

“Go out where? What were you going to do?”

“Um… Well, I haven’t had my suit out for a while…”

“Oh” Tony paused, surprised. “I suppose it’ll help you to build up an appetite”

Peter nodded. “I’ll be real careful too, I promise! I’ll only be out for a little bit. Just, I think if I was distracted, it might help, y’know?”

“Ok” Tony gave him a quick hug. “You won’t go too far, will you? You’re… You’re a little bit out of practice, kiddo”

“Yeah… But, well, I’ve been thinking a lot. Spiderman is all I’ve got left from before… You don’t think it’s a good idea, do you?”

“It’s not that, it’s just… Well, you haven’t been at your best lately. I’m worried about you”

“I know. But there’s a tracker in my suit. You can keep an eye on me”

Tony thought for a moment. “Just for an hour, ok? Nothing heavy. Nothing dangerous. And you come straight home when your hour is up, ok?”

Peter nodded. “I promise”

“Ok” Tony stood up. “Get suited up, kiddo”

-

It was like riding a bike. As soon as the suit was on, it was like he’d never had a break. He was a little clumsy for the first couple of minutes, but after that, it was as easy as breathing. 

It was an unusually warm evening, quite bright - perfect weather for swinging between buildings on the look out for someone to help. Up on the rooftops, looking down on the bustling streets, felt so freeing. Finally, the chance to go back to doing something he was good at. It was hard to think about May, or about Loki leaving, or about school, when he was up there. It was perfect.

-

“You’re late, sweetheart” Tony said. “I said an hour”

“I know. Sorry. I got a bit carried away… Am I in trouble?”

Tony smiled and shook his head. “No. It’s good to see you smiling. Good night, was it?”

Peter nodded, pulling his suit off and his dressing gown on. “I’m hungry now. Can we order pizza?”

Tony opened the Domino’s website on his phone and handed it to him. “Knock yourself out”

-

It had been months since Peter had eaten so much. He’d forgotten how good Domino’s pizza was. He ate his entire pizza, half the garlic bread, and three of the cookies at the end, all washed down with far too much fizzy pop. 

“It’s good to see you eating properly”

Peter nodded slightly, licking his greasy fingers. “Pizza is so good… What time is it?”

Tony checked his watch. “Bloody hell, it’s gotten late very quickly. Bed, now. You’ve got school in the morning”

Peter frowned. School sounded like a bad idea. His first day hasn’t exactly been perfect. But he didn’t want to argue with Tony. Having a tough time at school was one thing: he didn’t want to make things tough at home too. 

-

Waking up in the morning was horrible. Getting into his uniform was horrible. Being dropped off at school was horrible. 

“You’re still all shaky” Alison said. “Not as much as yesterday. Hmm. I think, by Friday, you’ll be still. What do you think?”

Peter shrugged. He liked Alison, but he was scared of everyone else, even the teachers who were nice to him. Even Mr Pipe-Fowler and Mrs Hathersage. It was going to be a tough week, he could tell.

-

Peter’s heart palpitations returned when he turned up to PE. Swimming. He liked swimming, but he’d never done it in an academic environment. When he’d been swimming before, it had been on holiday and days out, or when messing about at the Stark’s. 

Walking into the changing rooms he realised another problem: he didn’t want to get changed in front of all these strange children. 

“It’s Mr Parker, isn’t it?” A male teacher smiled at him. “Mr Musgrove. It’s good to have you join us. You look worried. What’s the matter?”

Peter shifted uncomfortably. Mr Musgrove tapped the whiteboard he was holding. Peter came to his senses.

_I don’t feel comfortable getting changed in front of everyone_

Mr Musgrove nodded. “There’s changing cubicles round the corner. Feel free to use those. I trust you brought your swimming kit?”

Peter nodded. Mr Musgrove patted his shoulder and he obediently went off to get changed.

-

The pool seemed much bigger today. The class joined another class in the same year for PE, but even with them, there was only about thirty people there. It felt like much more. 

“Mind if I sit with you?” 

Peter looked up, surprised to see Malaki. He nodded. Malaki sat down beside him. 

“I hate school swimming” he said. “Are you any good at swimming?”

Peter shrugged. He didn’t much like the idea of swimming. He’d left his whiteboard in the lockers so he wasn’t able to tell Malaki he agreed. Still, having Malaki speaking to him was reassuring, even though he was nervous of him. 

They listened to Mr Musgrove talking, and then Malaki sat back on the bench, scoffing at Nigel, who had volunteered to go first.

“He’s such a show off” Malaki said, wrinkling his nose. “He’s not even that good. He’s better than some people, and he thinks he’s a professional because of that”

Peter decided he like Malaki. He was a good looking boy, fit and slender, with soft hair and deep blue eyes. He was one of those people who looked kind, and was kind in turn. 

“Wait till you meet Michael Rose” Malaki said. “He’s on the Spanish trip. He’s so much better than Nigel. Better than most people. He’s on the swim team. You’ll like him. He’s been my best friend since we were three years old. He does a lot of competing”

Peter nodded, smiling slightly. He had a feeling he’d get left on the sidelines once this Michael Rose was back. But for now, he was glad to have someone friendly onside. 

-

Mr Musgrove put a hand on Peter’s shoulder as they stood by the pool.

“Ok. Can you swim?”

Peter nodded. 

“Good. So, what I want you to do now, is swim as far as you can manage. But remember, you have to swim back. So. Whenever you’re ready”

Peter felt sick. He took a very deep breath, and started down the steps into the pool. The water was warm. He blew out, and kicked off from the side. 

The blurry swimming pool sounds seemed to block everything out. For a while he could only think about what he was doing, swimming hard and fast, all the way to the end of the pool, kicking off, and turning back again.

He stopped for a moment, catching his breath, before climbing up onto the side. Mr Musgrove smiled at him.

“Very good!” he clapped him on the back. “Very good indeed! I’ll be keeping a close eye on your progress”

Malaki put his arm round Peter when he sat back down on the bench.

“You’re great at swimming!” 

Peter couldn’t help but grin. 

“Look at scholarship over there, thinking he’s so great just because Musgrove complimented him”

“Shut up, Nigel” Malaki snapped. “No need to get jealous because someone else is better than you”

Nigel scoffed and turned back to the girl next to him. Malaki rolled his eyes.

“He’s an idiot. Don’t listen to him”

-

Peter hugged Alison goodbye and climbed into the front seat of Tony’s car.

“Hey kiddo. How was school?”

Peter shrugged. “Nigel and Wendy are horrible. Malaki says they’re cousins”

“It must run in the family then” Tony sighed. “Just ignore them”

“I’m trying to” Peter said. “But it’s still really upsetting”

“What did they do?”

Peter looked out of the window, watching the buildings pass. “It’s just kids stuff”

Tony glanced at him, seeing the tears in his eyes. “If it’s upsetting you, it’s still important”

Peter swallowed. “They just keep saying stuff. They don’t like me. They think I haven’t got the right to be there”

“Kids can be cruel. Hey, come on, don’t cry! You’ll break my heart”

“It’s just horrible having to hear it all” he covered his face with his hands. 

“Hey, come on now” he took Peter’s hand and gave it a squeeze. “I know it’s horrible. I know you’re struggling and I know you’re hurting. And I know it’s easier said than done, but you need to try not to focus on it” 

“I jus’ wanna get home and go to bed”

“Homework first. Sleep afterwards”

-

Wednesday was lonely. Malaki was away sick, and no one else had really made an effort to chat to him, so it felt very solitary and scary. Alison was a welcome presence, but he was totally alone during lessons. He tried to keep his head down, get his work done, but he couldn’t concentrate properly, and he was still getting used to writing with fountain pens. Tony had given him a few cheap ones, and he made an effort, but somehow all his books still got smudged. Some words blotted through to the next page with excess ink, and others were so faint they were barely readable. All the words looked blurry through his tears anyway. It was a challenge.

-

Malaki was still ill on Thursday. Alison saw him in the morning, but she wouldn’t be seeing him again until the end of school. He knew his way around the school now, mostly. He didn’t need Alison now, but he certainly wanted her. 

-

Peter saw Miss Marns during the last lesson. A purple slip had been delivered in the fourth lesson, and it was then that Nigel and Wendy had started whispering, and Peter realised that everyone knew what the purple slips meant. 

“Good afternoon, Peter” Miss Marns said, handing him a colouring book and set of pencils. “How are you finding it here?”

Peter shrugged, opening the book and finding a picture he liked. “I hate it”

“I know it’s tough at first” she said.

“You want me to talk about the accident” Peter said, putting his feet up on the seat and selecting a pencil. 

“I think it’s a good starting point” Miss Marns said. “But you don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to. We’ll talk about whatever you want to”

Peter was quiet for a while, getting into his colouring. The pencils were good quality, and the pastel colours were nice. He found himself relaxing.

“It was a Thursday, so I’d been at the Stark’s the night before” he said. “It was a normal morning. I didn’t want to get out of bed, so Loki tempted me with cinnamon eggy bread. It’s a Gordon Ramsay recipe. It doesn’t taste overly like cinnamon. Loki doesn’t cook much. He’s good at it, but he doesn’t enjoy it” He swapped pencils. “Then I went to school. And then I went home. May was still at work when I got back. So I got to do my own thing for a bit”

“When did she get home?” Miss Marns asked after a long silence.

“Around quarter to six” Peter said. “Apologising profusely. Something to do with her boss and traffic…”

-

_May blew up over her lip, ruffling her fringe._

_“Anyway, I’m here now, finally” she gave Peter a quick hug, and paused, listening. “Elvis?”  
_

_Peter nodded. “Yeah, Mr Loki leant me to CD. I can turn it off if you like?”_

_May shook her head. “No, nothing wrong with a bit of Elvis. What did you get up to last night?”_

_Peter shrugged. “Oh, just the usual stuff. Loki did that weird thing he does with the handles. It makes Mr Stark panic every time. Which is hilarious” he giggled. “Loki just does weird tricks with us. He said he saves the scary stuff for Thor”_

_“He’ll get himself into trouble one day”  
_

_“He’s always in trouble with Tony and Thor” Peter said, sucking on his pen. “He’s just having fun, he says”  
_

_“Don’t you go copying him” May said. “Ah. Well, considering most of it is magic, I don’t suppose you could anyway…”  
_

_-_

“She had to go and do housework and stuff. I went to my room for a bit, turned the CD off, you know” Peter looked at his colouring, decided it was too blue, and picked up a deep purple pencil. “Then I needed a drink, so I went to the kitchen. And we got talking, y’know, got all distracted. She was always easy to talk to. Mostly. She always had lots to say. She was funny”

-

_It was warm and bright in the flat. They stood in the kitchen, talking. May grinned, putting a hand on Peter’s shoulder._

_“Are you ok?”  
_

_Peter shook his head. “Ah - my stomach hurts!”_

_“Must be your sides splitting”  
_

_Peter laughed more, holding his stomach. “That’s ridiculous. Your boss is mad”_

_“Try working for him!” she shook her head, picking up her phone. “We should think about eating”  
_

_“Why, what time is it?” Peter picked up his own phone. “Oh yeah… Oh wait, my charge is starting to go”  
_

_May looked. “It’s on 83%”_

_“Yeah… I’m gonna get my charger”  
_

_“You’re a funny kid”  
_

_“Yeah, you love me though”  
_

_“Of course I do”  
_

_Peter went off to his room, phone in hand. He searched his bag, and then his desk, finally finding his charger. He could hear May bustling round the kitchen, looking through the cupboards. He went to join her, and stopped, thinking he’d heard something. He looked over to the window, and heard a strange, heavy, creaking sound, and a faint knocking. He frowned slightly, and shook his head, deciding it was nothing. He shoved his phone in his pocket, shuffled his charger in one hand, and turned on his heel._

_-_

Peter stopped colouring. Miss Marns nudged him with a box of tissues. Peter put his feet back on the floor and accepted her offer.

“I heard the creaking… I should’ve known something was gonna happen. I could’ve done something!” he sobbed, covering his face.

“It’s not your fault, Peter. Even if you knew something was going to happen, there’s nothing you could have done in those few seconds” 

Peter just cried into his hands, feeling so horribly hot and shivery and sick. He’d never told anyone any of this before.

“I didn’t even realise what had happened. I woke up, and I had this pain, in my head. And my back and legs. I couldn’t move. It hurt my leg when I tried. All this… All these stones fell off my head, when I moved my head. I could see all my stuff, all broken and dusty. None of it looked real”

Miss Marns fetched him a cup of water, and sat beside him. Peter drank slowly, and found himself leaning against her. 

“Everything was all dusty and smokey. I just laid there trying to figure it out. It felt like a dream. I remember the stars. The sky. And then there was this flashing I could see over the top of all the broken walls and stuff…”

“Blue lights?”

Peter nodded. “I didn’t realise it was the emergency services at first. I didn’t really know what anything was for a while. It was like I was asleep and awake at the same time” he wiped his eyes, taking a deep breath. “It was the voices that made me feel awake. It was like I suddenly noticed everything. There was all this rubble underneath me. I could feel it scratching me. There was shouting. I shouted too. I just shouted help. I didn’t really realise I’d done it. And then there was this torch shining in my eyes. It made me flinch and I jarred my back. There were two of them. I recognised the uniform”

“Paramedics?”

Peter shook his head. “Firemen. They both smelt like smoke and dust. I don’t know why I remember that. They got me free. It hurt when they moved everything off me, and then I went cold. I felt like I was going to die. I’m not sure why”

“You must have been terrified”

“I was… I couldn’t speak. I was shaking. I felt so confused. One of them picked me up and that hurt too, but I trusted him. He was firm but he was nice. He kept talking to me while they got me down to the street. I didn’t really catch much of what he was saying. They both said I was gonna be ok. They looked tired, but they smiled at me. I think they were just trying to reassure me. I was one of the last people they got to. I don’t know how long I was there for. I don’t know how long I was knocked out for”

He went quiet for a few minutes, finishing his water. 

“It felt warm on the street. I was so tired. I just closed my eyes. I could feel all the blood dripping down my leg. I could see all the flashing lights even with my eyes closed. There were a lot of voices. It all felt unreal. Then I heard my name, and Mr Stark and Loki were there, and I started crying and I was so confused and they were so panicked and I asked after May and they said she’d been taken in and then they said I had to go in the ambulance and Mr Stark went and Loki stayed with me and I started panicking properly too, especially when the firemen put me in the ambulance and left me with the paramedics-” he took a few very deep breaths, telling himself to calm down. “I was so, so scared. It was so bright in the ambulance, and I didn’t want the paramedics near me so I just shouted. I don’t know why I was scared of them. I know they were just trying to help. I just wanted to hide or something, I don’t even know. Loki calmed me down. They put blue lights on inside. I didn’t like the needle in my hand and the oxygen mask. Loki held my hand but I couldn’t look at him. It hurt every time we went over a bump in the road. I didn’t know what was going on”

Miss Marns rubbed his back. “You’re doing really well, Peter”

Peter swallowed. “They took me to hospital and sorted all my cuts out and sent me for a scan just in case, but there wasn’t really anything wrong with me. They wanted to keep an eye on me. I had lots of bruises and cuts. My leg got badly cut. It hurt for a good week. I didn’t really notice it too much though. I had other stuff to cry about, you know?”

“How do you feel thinking about it now?”

“Do you think I’m overreacting?”

“Not at all. Why would you say that?”

Peter paused. “I’m finding it really hard to move on from all this”

“You went through a traumatic experience. You’re allowed to struggle”

“I still have nightmares about it all. I’m just so scared all the time now. And I cry all the time and get all upset and angry and can’t eat and speak and it’s just, I just… I hate thinking about it. I just want to forget it. I know that’s really bad, but it’s easier not talking about it, you know? Like, if I don’t tell anyone, maybe it’s not so bad? I don’t  _want_ to care, but I do anyway. I sometimes wish I didn’t”

“Peter” Miss Marns said gently. “Have you ever been told about PTSD?”

Peter stopped. “Mr Stark has it. They think Mr Loki has too, but he won’t talk to anyone so he hasn’t been diagnosed… Is that what you think this is?”

“I think it’s a possibility. PTSD isn’t a straight-cut illness. There’s different forms. I know it’s early days, but you have raised some points which may be an indicator of it”

Peter went quiet. It was something he’d heard about, but didn’t know a great deal about. It was one of those scary things that happened to Other People. He knew about Tony’s diagnosis, of course, but he also knew he was better. Outside in the corridor, the bell for the end of class rang. 

“Peter?”

Peter pulled away from her, staring at the floor, images from that fateful night flashing in his mind. His face crumpled and he buried his head in his hands. He didn’t want to do this any more.

-

“Hey, kiddo”

Peter looked up, and started crying harder when he saw Tony.

“Alison got him for you” Miss Marns said. “We felt you needed him”

Tony sat down beside Peter, and Peter hugged him tight. Tony hugged him back, rubbing his back and rocking him gently.

“Ok sweetheart. It’s ok. You’re ok”

-

Peter cried till he could cry no more. He stayed against Tony’s chest and closed his eyes as Miss Marns and Tony talked.

“I think you’ve confirmed my worst fears” Tony sighed, stroking Peter’s hair gently. “So, you think just continuing with the sessions?”

“It’s incredibly rare to put children and young people on medication for PTSD. It’s even rare in adults. But, he’s made an important step by talking about what happened to him”

“Avoidance and emotional numbing” Tony said, nodding. “I think you’re right putting him in that category”

“I know it’s hard” Miss Marns said. “But things can get better. You know that. Opening up is the first step”

“You really think I’ll get better?” Peter mumbled.

“I do. You’ve addressed the problem. You’ve thought about it. That’s good. It’ll take time, but I’ll keep seeing you, and we’ll keep an eye on you and your progress”

“You’ll get better” Tony said. “Even if it feels like you never will. I never thought I’d get better, but I did. You can too. I’ll help you. I promise”

“And Loki?”

Tony stopped. “I’ll always be here for you. We both love you”

Peter felt numb. He slowly opened his eyes and sat up. Miss Marns squeezed his hand.

“You did really well today. I’ll see you again on Monday. If you need me before then, don’t hesitate to get in touch or drop by the office”

-

Peter sat in the reading nook, looking through some of Loki’s photo albums. Tony found him, and sat beside him, looking through the photos quietly with him. After a while, Peter closed the album and leant against Tony.

“It feels so different here without him”

Tony nodded. “It’s quiet”

“You haven’t had the stereo on since he left. Do all the songs make you think of him?”

“…Yeah. Look, Pete, don’t think about it so much. He’s travelling. He’ll come back one day”

Peter sighed. “I miss him”

“I do too” Tony gave him a hug. “Let’s not focus on that. Let’s focus on getting you settled at school”

“I don’t think that’s likely. No one likes me there. I hate it. I really, really hate it” he said, voice cracking. “I’m sick of being miserable”

“It’ll get better. It will get better. You’ll be ok in the end. I promise”

“I know you mean well, but I don’t believe you. I’m sorry”

Tony decided to change the subject. “Do you want to do anything at the weekend? I’ve got a conference on Sunday but I’m free all day Saturday”

“I’m so tired all the time. I just want to sleep”

Tony held him tight. “Ok kiddo. Whatever is best for you”

*

 


	19. And They Call Themselves Friends

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Life takes another turn as the rest of Peter’s classmates rejoin the class after their trip

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please check out chapter 18 if you missed it - it has been updated from the hiatus note

-

True to his word, Peter slept most of the weekend. He was wiped out, physically and emotionally. Malaki hadn’t been back on Friday, so he had another tired, lonely day at school. Taking his school uniform off on Friday after school felt great. He flopped down on his bed and slept soundly until 9am on Saturday. He got up and had something to eat and went down to the lab with Tony, but by 1pm his head was nodding and Tony told him to go and have a lie down.

On Sunday, Tony was out, so Thor came round to keep an eye on him, which was easy work, as the boy was asleep for the most part. 

It ended up feeling like a bit of a wasted weekend, and Monday morning came as a bit of a shock. Peter hid under the covers, hoping that if he was found all hot and sweaty, and if he put on a croaky voice, Tony might let him stay home. All the kids who had been on the Spanish trip were going to be back today. Peter just knew they’d all be Nigel’s and Wendy’s, and he wasn’t prepared to deal with that. He wasn’t strong enough.

-

His plan of pulling a sickie didn’t work. Tony just shook his head and said; “Nice try”, and made him get up and get ready for school anyway. 

“The rest of your class will be back, won’t they?” Tony said. “You should be able to settle into the routine a bit better now”

Peter didn’t bother telling him that that was exactly why he was dreading going. He decided he’d just have to grin and bear it - but he didn’t feel much like smiling.

-

Peter sat on the end of the front right hand row in the form room, pretending to be really interested in his white board. The classroom was already fuller than last week, and the new voices and noisy chatter were most off-putting. He fiddled with a dry-erase marker, picking at the sponge on the top of the cap. He had horrible heart palpitations. He was just waiting for one of these new voices to start scoffing about Common Muck with Scholarships.

-

Three girls entered the form room, arms linked, talking together. The girl in the middle stopped, spotting Peter. 

“Oooh, new kid” she said, glancing to either friend. “He’s cute, don’t you think?”

One of the other girls laughed. “You really have no filter. Well, go and say hello then!”

The girl unlinked herself from her friends, jumping forward, planting her hands on the desk in front of Peter, making him jump.

“Hi! You’re new, aren’t you? I’m Millie!” she looked over her shoulder at her friends. “That’s Florence and Macy”

“It’s  _Flo_ ” Florence said. “Everyone calls me Flo”

Peter blinked at them, unsure how to react to their sunny, friendly personalities. A voice behind him piped up:

“That’s Peter. He doesn’t talk much”

“Oooh” Millie tapped the white board on the desk. “Is that why you’ve got this?”

Peter nodded, and jumped again as Ms Hathersage appeared.

“Quiet now, you lot! You have exactly four minutes until the bell, and I want absolute silence”

No one else seemed phased by her. Flo tapped Peter’s desk.

“This is our row”

Peter’s heart beat faster. This was it. They’d turn on him now.

“I always sit at the end” Flo said. “Do you mind moving up one?” 

“Honestly Flo, you are so particular sometimes” Macy said, scooting past the back of Peter’s chair and taking the seat at the other end of the row, up against the wall. 

Millie sat next to Macy, and patted the chair beside her. Peter obediently moved over, and Flo took his place. She smiled gratefully at him.

“Thank you” she put her bag down, and spotted Peter’s satchel. “Oh wow, I love your bag! It’s brand new, isn’t it? Where ever did you get it?”

“Flo! Stop  _badgering_ him!” Millie laughed. “Ignore her, Peter. She’s got about a million bags already - she doesn’t need to copy you”

“Amelia, quiet now” Ms Hathersage said, and started to take the register.

“She thinks I talk too much” Millie whispered to Peter. “Flo talks lots more than I do, though” 

“Amelia, I’ve already asked you once!”

Millie put a hand up in apology, but as soon as Ms Hathersage’s back was turned, she rolled her eyes. Peter smiled slightly. He liked her.

-

Peter did worry that they were all just being polite, but when the bell rang, Millie and Flo linked arms with him while Macy danced ahead. In Geography, they insisted that he joined them on their table, and Mr Tucker didn’t object. 

Peter felt almost comfortable. These girls were  _kind_ , and they didn’t act weirdly about him not speaking. They included him in their conversation and gossiped about the teachers and other students. 

Peter looked at them.

Millie was definitely the leader of the pack. She was a conventionally attractive girl, with shoulder-length dark brown, almost black hair, with sparkling green eyes in her round face. She radiated confidence. 

Flo was definitely the most attractive of the group. She was sweet and bubbly, with porcelain skin and long blonde, almost white hair all the way down her back. She seemed happier daydreaming and doodling in her notebook than paying attention in lessons.

Macy was a bit of a mix. She was calm and collected in class, a little mad outside of it, and she knew exactly how to manage her friends. She had short, medium-brown hair, mostly covered by a headband. She seemed distracted, somehow, but happy.

Peter thought they were all very real people.

-

The three waited at the end of the lesson, making sure Peter didn’t get left behind. They all sighed in an exaggerated fashion as soon as they’d left Mr Tucker’s classroom.

“Thank God for that! I hate Geography more and more every day” Millie said, linking Peter’s arm.

“Me too” Flo said, linking Peter’s other arm. 

“What? Geography’s a laugh - it’s the teacher that’s the problem!” Macy said, prancing ahead.

Peter suddenly realised that she might be a show-off. She seemed to perform her part of the conversation as they went down the corridor, spinning on her toes and clapping and somehow managing to never crash into anyone. 

Peter decided he might like her best. 

“Hey, Peter!” Macy said, stopping suddenly. “Have you had the bagels yet?”

Peter blinked at her.

“Aww, no way! You must try one: they’re the best! I’ll buy today, ok?”

Peter nodded. He didn’t see the need to protest.

-

Macy went off to join the queue in the dining hall, while Millie and Flo took Peter over to a round table at the back of the hall by the coffee machine. He still felt a little nervous. These girls all had big personalities, and he still couldn’t shake the feeling that they were just taking pity on him. 

“So, why have you joined in the middle of the term?” Flo asked. 

Peter didn’t really want to share his story with them. Still, he got out his whiteboard. 

 _I moved house and my old school was too far away to keep going to_. 

Flo nodded. “Oh, right. That’s a bit rubbish”

Peter nodded slightly. Millie smiled at him.

“Are you cold? You’re shaking”

He didn’t want to tell her that he was scared, so he just nodded.

“Aww. You’ll warm up after you’ve eaten”

At that moment, Macy appeared and handed them all cheese and tomato bagels. 

“The food here is great, trust me” she said, taking a seat. 

Peter didn’t feel hungry, but didn’t want to seem rude, so he took a bite when the others did. He was pleasantly surprised. These bagels really  _were_ good. He was quite content sat back eating and listening to the girls talking. 

Once he’d finished, he wrote them a question.

_Are you all boarders?_

Millie shook her head. “Flo and I live with our families not too far away from here. Macy boards though, don’t you, Mace?”

Macy looked up from filing her nails. “Yes, I live Bay Laurel. That’s the girls house. I go home during the holidays though. What about you? Are you boarding?”

_I live with my guardians_

“I wish I did” Macy said. “But they live in Canada. It would be a long daily commute”

_How long have you been boarding for?_

“Since I was six. I was at the sister school, and then I moved into Bay Laurel when I was ten, going on eleven. I had some friends moving up with me, so that was nice. We helped each other pack and it made the move easier”

“I used to board” Flo said. “When I was really little, I went to a boarding school a few states over. But it didn’t work out, so father brought me over to St Hendricks so I was closer to home”

“Well” Millie said. “I’m glad  _I_ don’t board. We all know the boarding master in Scotts-Pine has a cane”

“Don’t get into trouble and it’s not a problem” Macy said, grinning. “I love how you say it like your father  _doesn’t_  own one! Peter? What are you looking so worried about?”

Peter didn’t respond. He knew they might think he was weird if he started asking questions of the corporal-punishment-in-schools variety. 

“You know, I hope I’m not overstepping the mark” Macy said. “But I heard Nigel talking in the queue. He said your family are all gone and that’s why you moved here”

Peter was horrified. How did Nigel know about that? He sighed deeply, looking down at his whiteboard. Millie squeezed his hand.

“You don’t have to tell us”

Peter nodded, but decided he did. If he got it out of the way now, he wouldn’t have to do it again.

_My parents both died when I was little, so I lived with my aunt and uncle. My uncle died years ago, and my aunt died in January. I couldn’t stay in Queen’s on my own, so a family friend and their partner took me in._

Tears filled his eyes, and he looked away quickly. The girls exchanged shocked looks, and Millie took control of the situation.

“Aww, don’t cry! Oh Peter!” she hugged him tight, and he hugged her back. “How awful! I’m so sorry to hear that”

The other two joined in the hug. 

“I’m sorry for your loss. I know it’s hard” Macy said.

“It really does get easier” Flo said. “Thank you for telling us. You didn’t need to do that. We didn’t want to upset you”

Peter couldn’t help crying, not only because of what had happened, but also because these girls were being so kind to him. 

-

The three looked after Peter, getting him a drink and making him laugh to take his mind off it all. Peter appreciated their efforts, although his tears of sadness were very nearly replaced with ones of happiness. Everything that had happened with Ryan and his gang at the other school had left him so isolated and hopeless, so much so that it felt as though kindness was a thing of the past. These girls had proved that theory wrong. 

-

The girls stayed with him throughout the next two lessons, and all through lunch. His appetite still wasn’t great, but Millie introduced him to the pasta queue, and somehow a bowl of pasta and cheese was all he needed. He’d never known it taste so good.

Peter had to see Miss Marns in fourth period, but they came and found him just before fifth so they could go together.

 

“This is literally a dream come true” Macy said, rereading the brief. 

“Snakes don’t often feature in my dreams” Millie said. “Why are we making snakes? Textiles should be dresses, skirts, maybe even bags!! Not snakes!”

“Make a snake wearing a dress then” Macy said, as though it were an obvious solution. “I’m totally tattooing mine”

“How can you tattoo something made of cloth?” Flo said. 

“By drawing them on! Honestly Flo, stop asking silly questions” she shook her head, and looked at Peter. “What are you thinking for yours?”

_Glass eyes_

“I don’t think there’s any in here. Maybe you can use buttons?” she said. “Are you any good at sewing?”

Peter shrugged. 

“I’m rubbish at it” Millie said. “At least, I’m rubbish at sewing machines. I can hand-sew ok”

Peter looked down at the brief. He wasn’t sure he’d be any good at sewing, and he didn’t have any ideas about how to design it. He kept thinking about Loki. A part of him wanted to make it for him, but the overwhelming reality that no one knew where he was right now was enough to stunt his idea. He sighed. 

“What about this?” Macy said, shoving an IPad under his nose. “Do you think you could make one like this? I like its little fangs”

“That snake would destroy you, given half the chance” Flo said, peering at the cobra on the screen. She took the IPad and started typing. “You want a cute snake for a toy, surely. Something like this”

She showed them a photo of a corn snake. 

“It’s got massive eyes” Millie said. “We could always use Marlin for inspiration”

Peter looked at her.

“Marlin is my brothers snake” Millie said. “It’s a ball python. I don’t see it often because it lives in his room, but sometimes we put it in the paddling pool just to watch it swim”

“It wiggles” Macy nodded. “I’m not making a boring snake. I’m having a king cobra-type tattooed snake. Can snakes have piercings? I might make a gangster snake”

She looked so serious that Peter couldn’t help but laugh. She glanced at him, and then nodded triumphantly at the other two.

“Peter likes my idea” she stuck her tongue out at them.

“Macy!” Ms Castleton snapped. “Don’t be so rude! That was very unladylike”

“Sorry, Ms Castleton” Macy said, but she crossed her fingers behind her back. 

Peter saw this, and looked at her fondly. 

“What are you staring at?” she said, and stuck her tongue out at him when Ms Castleton’s back was turned.

Peter hesitated and returned the favour. Macy grinned, moving her chair closer to his and pretending to look at his work over his shoulder.

“You’re gonna be just fine here”

-

Tony watched out of the car window as Peter was hugged goodbye. A minute later, Peter opened the passenger door and climbed into the car. 

“Hey kiddo”

Peter pulled the door closed, flopping back in his seat.

“I’ve gotta go to the shops to pick up a few bits before we go home, ok?”

Peter nodded. 

“I’ll try to be quick” 

-

Peter fell asleep in the car after they’d been to the shops. Tony was worried, as he hadn’t said a word since he’d picked him up. Sure, Peter didn’t really talk to strangers any more, and he didn’t speak at school, but he’d mostly stayed talkative with him and Loki. 

He gave him a little shake when they got back to the house, and they went to the kitchen together.

“So” Tony said, switching the kettle on. “How was school?”

Peter just shrugged.

“I saw those girls hugging you. Friends of yours?”

“Oh” Peter didn’t realise he’d been seen. “Um”

“Are they some of the people who were away on the Spanish trip?” Tony pressed.

Peter nodded. 

Tony sighed. “What’s up with you today?? Cat got your tongue?”

Peter just shrugged again. Tony sighed again, and shook his head.

“Go and get changed, and then get your homework done”

-

Peter sat doing his homework in silence. Tony gave him a poke.

“Hey, do you want a snack?”

Peter shook his head. Tony watched him working for a minute.

“Are you ok?”

Peter shook his head again. 

“Talk to me?”

Another shake of the head. Tony didn’t know what to do. He tried to give him a hug, but Peter leant away from him and wouldn’t let him. Tony sighed and left the kitchen, going downstairs and checking the post. He sighed heavily and threw the letters down on the cabinet. Nothing of importance. Still no word from Loki. It was a worrying development, or lack thereof. He didn’t know what to think.

-

Tony caught Peter on the way to his room.

“What’s the matter? You know you can talk to me”

Peter shook his head and tried to wriggle free. Tony held on tighter. 

“You can’t bottle it up forever, kiddo”

Peter pushed his hands away and darted into his room, shutting the door behind him. He wasn’t in the mood for an ultimatum. 

-

Tony kept his distance for a while, but soon time was getting on, so he knocked on Peter’s door. 

“Peter?” There was no reply. “I’m coming in now”

He opened the door and found the boy fast asleep. He sighed and gave him a good shake, waking him up.

“We need to think about getting you fed”

“…’m not hungry”

Tony seized him under the arms and sat him up. 

“Oww! That hurt!”

“Sorry. Right, you need to tell me what’s going on with you” he said. “Are you just tired? Is that it?”

Peter shrugged. 

“Peter, stop being so evasive”

“I don’t want to talk to you! Leave me alone!”

“Peter-”

“No!”

“Oh fine then, be that way” Tony snapped. He checked his watch. “Ok, it’s half seven now. If you’re not in the kitchen by eight o’ clock, you’re not having any tea tonight”

-

Peter went into a sulk. He decided he didn’t care, he didn’t want to speak, and he wasn’t hungry - certainly not for anything made by the likes of Tony. 

But, sulking was hard work. He was determined not to show his face, but he started clock-watching, and at five to eight he cracked. He rushed to the kitchen and buried his face in Tony’s chest.

“I need to talk to you!”

He told him about Millie and Macy and Flo, and his fears that they were just hanging out with him out of pity. He told him everything that had happened that day, and started talking about textiles.

“-so I thought, y’know, I could make it for Loki, but he’s not here any more, and so there’s no point, and I was so horrible to him before he left and now I feel so guilty and a miss him so much and, and-”

“Ok, ok, sweetheart, shh” Tony hugged him close. “It’s ok, chick”

“I want him to come back!”

“I know. I know you do. He’ll come back when he’s ready”

“No he won’t! He won’t ever want to be near me again! I was so hateful to him”

“It’s not your fault he left. He  _will_ come back; he promised he would” Tony said firmly. “When he’s ready, and not a moment before”

Peter rested his forehead against Tony’s shoulder, breathing deeply. He knew he needed to believe Tony. After all, he knew him better than anyone else. 

“I just want him to hurry up”

“I know. Try not to think about it. You’ve got other stuff to focus on. School, for a start, and your new friends”

Peter stood back slightly. “Do you really think they’re friends?”

“Sure” Tony said. “They’ll come running up to you tomorrow morning, you’ll see”

“What if you’re wrong?”

Tony smiled. “What if I’m not? Come on, lets get you fed”

*


	20. Crashing Down, Losing Ground

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everything takes its toll on Tony

-

Tony was right. Macy bumped into him by the front door, and she grinned and hugged him.

“Hey, we’ve still got twenty minutes before registration. Would you like to get breakfast? There’s something seriously good about the toast here” she said.

Peter nodded, and let her take his hand and drag him to the dining hall. 

-

Macy was right about the toast. In fact, she’d been right about all the food so far. They ate in the dining hall, and then Macy took his hand again as they went to the form room. Malaki greeted them. Macy kept hold of Peter’s hand and leant against his shoulder.

“Sorry I didn’t catch you yesterday!” Malaki said to Peter. “Seems you’ve been taken in by the formidable three” 

_I didn’t realise they had a nickname_

“They don’t” Malaki said. “I just made that up”

“Are you finished?” Macy said. “You know the bell is going to ring in a minute”

“Yes, yes, I know. I’ll talk to you later, Peter” he smiled, and went back to his own desk. 

“You two are very nearly late” Flo said, watching them as they sat down.

“Nonsense” Macy said. “We still have more than five minute till the bell”

She sat down and got out her nail file. Peter could feel Flo looking at him, and turned to face her.

“Can I have a look at your bag?”

Peter nodded, passing the satchel over to her. She took it, looking at the stitching and labels, opening it and looking at the contents. She seemed entranced. Peter still didn’t see the appeal of the satchel himself. He’d much rather have an ordinary old backpack, but Tony wouldn’t hear of it.

“Oh cute, I like the little Moomin” she said, finding the plush keyring at the bottom of the bag. “Why do you have it hidden away?”

Peter shrugged. It had been a present from Loki, and he’d put it in his bag for a bit of comfort. It had got a little squashed. Flo was busy rubbing its snout back into place. She closed the satchel and clipped the keyring onto one of the metal buckles.

“There! It’s much better there” 

Peter wasn’t sure. What if Nigel or someone else made fun of him for it? Just as he thought it, Nigel came into the room. He scowled at the front row.

“What are you still hanging out with Scholarship for?”

“Uh, he’s not even on a scholarship, dickhead” Macy said.

Peter was a surprised to see someone as small and sweet-looking as Macy almost swearing.

“Go away, Nigel” Millie said, taking a book out. 

“He is on a scholarship” Nigel insisted.

“Why did he start in the middle of the term then?” Flo said. “Idiot”

Nigel looked at Peter. He had the sudden urge to write ‘get fucked’ on his whiteboard, but he resisted it.

_I never said I was on a scholarship. That was just your assumption_

Nigel looked a little uncomfortable. He was given the mercy of Ms Hathersage entering the room at that exact moment, and was able to escape to his own desk. 

He stopped whispering about Peter after that.

-

Peter did settle into a routine. By the end of the week it felt as though he’d been there for months already. He still found himself largely distracted, but he did work in class, and he always did his homework - largely down to Tony making him do it as soon as he got home. He was on neutral ground with everyone aside from Wendy, who still turned her snub nose up at him. He got along with all the teachers, aside from Mr Tucker, who always looked at him like he shouldn’t be there. 

It didn’t matter though. He had Malaki. But more importantly, he had Millie, Macy, and Flo. They stayed with him always, and he quickly grew very fond of them, and they him. The only times they were apart were in the changing rooms, but he had Malaki then, who always used the changing cubicle next to him and stayed close at his side while they were registering. He was starting to feel safe.

He did his work, he communicated with the whiteboard, he answered the register by tapping his board pen twice on the table, he ate with the girls and he attended his therapy sessions with Ms Marns. He still cried more than he would like, but, as with the whiteboard, it was quickly accepted as the norm - something to acknowledge but never draw attention to. 

By rights, he should have been happy.

But he wasn’t.

-

By the end of week three, he’d mostly settled in at school. There were still plenty of cultural differences that he was still getting used to, and a few other bits and bobs, but he was doing fine. The school had sent a progress report home, and Tony was proud of him. 

Peter found that, as he grew more comfortable at school, he grew less comfortable at home. It was hard to ignore the fact that Tony and Loki were effectively separated now. They still hadn’t heard anything from him after the sweets and Pooley Bridge photograph. He’d been gone for a good six weeks now. The house felt wrong without his presence. Peter often found himself sneaking into Loki’s room and looking at his snow globe collection and his framed photographs - and the phone on the bed, which he wished was not there.

Loki had been away while Peter was there before, in times before the accident, but never for this long, and never without contact. Phoning Tony every day, sending photos sometimes, sending postcards on longer trips - that was what he always did. That’s what he should be doing this time.

But he wasn’t.

Tony was proud of Peter, and relieved to see him finally starting to settle and make friends and come to terms with his new life. He looked after and supported him, and made a point of doing so. But it unbelievably hard work, and his heart wasn’t in it. He was desperately lonely. He hadn’t told anyone the truth about Loki’s absence. He wasn’t even sure if Thor knew why he was gone, and he wasn’t going to be the one to tell him. He’d kept his distance since Loki had left.

He was so used to having Loki at his side, or at least available on the other end of the phone when they  _were_ parted, and now he felt unbelievably cut off. He had no idea where Loki was. He may not even be on Earth any more, for all he knew. He had no way of finding him. He had no idea what he was doing. He had no idea when he’d return. It already felt like he’d been gone for years. He wasn’t sure how much longer he could cope. 

Every day it got harder and harder. He missed everything about him. He even missed the weird magic and tricks that often drove him round the bend. He missed all the obvious things, like their late night conversations and lazy Sunday’s in bed and holding him. But he also missed the little things, like having him beside him while he worked, and the way his eyes closed at that first sip of tea, and the blush on his cheeks when he’d been drinking.

As if the emotional toil wasn’t struggle enough, he now had a lot more on his plate, mainly by way of housework. Loki had always done almost everything besides bins and hoovering, and Tony found he didn’t always know where to begin. Peter was good: he washed up and did the kitchen floor and tidied the living room and always picked up after himself, which helped a long way to keeping the house clean. He’d also do the hoovering if he was asked. But even so, Tony found he was still falling behind Loki’s standards. Loki was generally scruffy, but he was clean, and liked to keep a sparkling house - said it made his head clearer. Tony didn’t know what half the stuff in his cleaning cupboard was even for, so even though he did clean, somehow he felt he wasn’t doing the best job of it.

-

Carrying on like everything was fine was starting to take its toll. Tony found that everything was now an effort, and he was losing his patience more easily than usual. He tried hard not to, but it wasn’t always so easy. He was doing everything single-handed, and it was hard. Peter was the only person with him most of the time, and he ended up taking the brunt of his frustration. As much as Tony knew he shouldn’t, he found himself being hard on Peter. The kid didn’t really do anything wrong, and Tony knew that, but somehow he lost his self control a lot. He snapped at him for the littlest thing, telling him off for no real reason, scolding him if he got anything wrong in his homework, sending him to bed without any dinner thrice in one week… He was always overcome with a huge sense of guilt, and would go and apologise profusely and give him a hug, but he kept doing it, and he knew he was being unfair, but it was getting harder and harder to stop.

He needed to talk to someone.

-

Monday at the start of Peter’s fourth week at St Hendricks saw bright skies, but bitter cold. 

“Peter! Would you hurry up? We’re going to be late”

“I’ve still got another fifteen minutes before we have to leave” Peter said defensively, fumbling with his tie.

“Don’t answer back!” he sighed heavily. “You’re making a mess of your tie”

He grabbed the boy by the arm and pulled him closer.

“Ow!”

“That didn’t hurt. Put your collar up” He undid Peter’s tie and redid it for him. “Better. Did you print out your homework?”

Peter nodded. “Yes, sir”

“Where is it?”

“In my bag. Sir”

“Right. Go and get your stuff together. The clock is ticking”

-

Peter burst into tears as soon as he saw Miss Marns.

“Oh dear! Do I really have that bad an affect on you?” She sat him down and sat with him. “You’ve just got to get through an hour with me, and then you can go home”

Peter cried harder, covering his mouth with both hands. He didn’t want to go home. Tony had been so cross with him over the last week. He kept shouting and telling him off and treating him like he was a chore, an inconvenience. He was starting to feel nervous around him.

-

“Now then” Miss Marns said once Peter had calmed down. “What’s the matter?”

“I miss Loki” he said, wiping his eyes. “He’s been gone for so long. Mr Stark misses him too”

“Still travelling, is he?”

Peter nodded. “He doesn’t really stay in touch. And Mr Stark is lonely, so he’s all cross all the time, and then if I do anything he gets all upset with me. He’s suddenly gone all strict since last week and I keep getting told off”

“And why is that?”

Peter shrugged slightly. “I don’t know. I think he’s upset. I don’t like it when he’s sad. I don’t think I’ve really been doing anything  _wrong_ , but I’m not sure. Maybe I have. I don’t know. I just want Loki to come back. They’re always better when they’re together”

“Being parted can be difficult for couples, even if they’re parted voluntarily. I’m sure he understands why Loki decided to go travelling - whatever the reason may be - but that doesn’t mean he will agree with it, and it certainly doesn’t mean he won’t miss him. I daresay Loki misses you both too”

“I don’t know. We weren’t really getting along just before he went away. We got into a lot of arguments. We both said some pretty horrible things… I feel kinda guilty, yknow? I’m gonna be nicer when he gets back. I was kinda selfish and difficult before” 

He glanced up, looking at the table between them. The colouring book and pencils he always used were there, waiting for him. He picked them up and sat back, opening the book and selecting a pencil.

“I think I need some of these at home”

“That might be a good idea. You’re much more relaxed when you’re occupied with them”

Peter nodded. He always found it easier to speak when he was doing something else and didn’t have to look at her. It was better that way.

-

Tony was uncharacteristically quiet in the car on the way home. Once they got home, he supervised Peter while he did his homework, and then went off on his own. Peter went to his room and sat on the edge of the bed, feeling nervous and uncomfortable. He felt like he was underwater. He knew Tony wouldn’t thank him if he told anyone that Loki wasn’t just travelling, but holding onto the secret hurt, and it didn’t feel healthy. He was being held down by so much already, and the Loki thing was another huge thing to deal with. It felt crushing.

He picked up the business card on his beside table, wiping the dust from it with his thumb. He spent a long time looking at it, thinking, weighing up the pros and cons. Slowly, he picked up his phone and dialled the number.

“Hello, Li Allen speaking”

“Hi, um, it’s- it’s Peter Parker here…”

“Peter, darling! How lovely to hear from you. How are you?”

“Yeah, yeah, I’m fine… Well, not fine, not really…”

“Peter? Is everything ok?”

Peter closed his eyes. “Not really…No, it’s not. Can I talk to you?”

“Of course you can. Take your time, darling”

Peter told her everything, all about school and home and how Tony had been recently and why Loki had left and that no one knew where he was, and all about how he was feeling and how scared he was.

Li listened patiently, reassuring him and understanding him. Peter dared feel a little bit better. It did feel like a weight had been lifted now that he’d finally been able to tell someone the truth. He breathed out - and jumped as his bedroom door opened.

“Who are you talking to?” Tony demanded.

Peter froze. Li had heard Tony’s voice.

“Put him on the phone, darling”

Peter swallowed and held his phone out to Tony, who looked at him incredulously and took it.

“Hello?”

“Hello, Mr Stark. It’s Ms Allen”

“Oh” Tony looked at Peter.

“Peter’s been telling me about the last few weeks. I’m glad to hear that school is going well for him. I’m sorry to hear about Loki, Mr Stark. If you need some additional support-”

Peter couldn’t hear what was being said, but he knew she would tell him that she knew about Loki, and he knew that Tony wasn’t happy.

“- and we can schedule another home visit for when you’re available”

“Of course” Tony said. “Please, email me with any dates you have, and I can tell you when is best. I find it’s easier than doing it over the phone”

“Yes, I’ll send an email over in due course. You and Peter take care now”

“We will. Thank you, Ms Allen. Goodbye now”

Peter’s heart had started thumping hard. Tony terminated the call. For a moment he looked at the handset as though it might bite him. He looked up, approached the bed, raised a hand, and slapped Peter hard across the face.

The slap came as such a shock that for a moment, Peter didn’t know how to react. And then he burst into tears. It had hurt, yes, but what hurt more was the fact that  _Tony_ had hit him. He’d never laid a hand on him before, not once.

“How dare you? You’ve no right to go spreading my personal business around, you stupid brat” Tony said, his voice low. 

Peter just cried, backing away, refusing to look at him. He felt like he didn’t know him any more. He felt so betrayed. He was used to Loki hitting him, but never Tony, and something about it just felt so wrong and harsh and horrible and scary.

Tony held up Peter’s phone. “Consider this confiscated. Now go to sleep. I don’t want to hear another peek out of you for the rest of the day”

-

Tony downed a large brandy and immediately poured himself another. He stood with his hands planted on the kitchen unit, breathing very deeply indeed through his nose. He was shaking all over, trying hard not to think about the look on Peter’s face when he’d hit him. He drained his glass and poured himself a third. 

He was justified in his actions, surely. The kid had blabbed about his business, and he’d had no right to do so. He knew Li wouldn’t betray their confidentiality, but still, it should have been left up to him to decide to tell her. Not Peter.

Four glasses of brandy down, and a fifth poured. He wasn’t shaking so much now, and he wasn’t so angry either. But now he couldn’t stop thinking. He kept seeing the hurt, shocked look Peter had given him. He hadn’t  _planned_ to hit him; it had just  _happened_. He’d never laid a hand on the boy before, and truth be told, he thought he never would. But he had. 

And he felt simply dreadful. 

Peter was just a kid. And he was a sick kid, a struggling kid - and Tony had been so strict and unreasonable with him lately. And now he’d actually  _hit_ him. Having done so felt almost criminal. Peter didn’t deserve that, no matter how angry he’d been. 

He looked at the brandy in his hand, and poured it down the sink.

-

Peter flinched as his door opened, bracing himself, and all of a sudden he was in Tony’s arms.

“I’m so sorry! I’m so sorry, I should never have hit you” Tony said, hugging him as tight as he could and kissing his sore cheek. “I’m sorry”

Peter could feel him shaking, and he wasn’t sure what to think. He squirmed slightly, unsure if this was another empty apology or not. But it certainly  _felt_ real. He wasn’t entirely sure, but he thought Tony might be crying, just a little bit. 

Slowly, Peter hugged him back, and Tony breathed out in relief, kissing the boys cheek over and over, holding him as close as possible. 

“I’m sorry I got cross. I know you weren’t really trying to go behind my back. This is hard for you as well, I get that. I overreacted. I’ve been far too tough on you lately" 

Peter rested his chin on Tony’s shoulder, looking over at the door. He sighed to himself. He’d started to feel a bit scared of Tony recently, but right now, he felt completely safe. He knew Tony was having a hard time. He was still crying in private, he knew that for a fact. It must have been nearly seven weeks since Loki had walked out. They’d always seemed like such an inseparable couple. Peter could only imagine what Tony was feeling, but he understood his anger. After all, he’d taken his frustration out on the Stark’s for week after May died. It was horrible, and unjustified, but it made sense.

“I forgive you" 

Tony held him tighter still and kissed his face again. 

"What did I ever do to deserve you?" 

Peter wriggled and pulled away from him. Tony squeezed his shoulder, not quite ready to let him go. 

"I love you, you know”

Peter nodded. “Mr Stark?" 

"What happened to ‘dad’” Tony asked sadly. 

“Mr Stark? Can I have something to eat?" 

"What? Yeah, of course you can, chick. What would you like?” He stroked his cheek gently, which was still a little pinker than the other. 

“Tomato soup" 

"Ok” Tony nodded. “Ok, let’s go through to the kitchen" 

He stood up, holding a hand out to Peter. 

"I’ll join you in a minute” Peter said, and Tony frowned, but he left him behind anyway.

- 

Tony found himself stood anxiously by while Peter was eating. He didn’t have anything himself - he hadn’t any appetite. He carefully cleared Peter’s bowl and plate for him when he’d finished. 

“Oh, um, I can do that, Mr Stark" 

"No no, I’ll do it. Do you want anything else? Something sweet?" 

Peter shook his head. 

"Are you sure? We’ve got loads of stuff in the freezer. Or you can have something from my cupboard. I know you like my stuff" 

"You’re over-compensating” Peter said. 

Tony looked at him. 

“You don’t need to do that. I forgive you. And I understand. You don’t need to go overboard on the apology… Just… Just go back to being  _you_. Or, as you as you can be now you’re alone…" 

Tony paused. "Come here, kiddo" 

Peter did as he was told, suddenly worried, and Tony pulled him close. 

"You’re a good kid" 

Peter was surprised, and leant into him nervously. He swallowed hard. He didn’t want to talk about the sad stuff right now. He needed to change the subject.

"Um, Mr Stark? Can you drop me off at school a bit earlier tomorrow?" 

"What? Why? How much earlier?" 

"Like, leaving at quarter past instead of half past? I promised Macy I’d get breakfast with her again. She always waits for me but I know she gets there much earlier than I do" 

"Yeah… Yeah, of course, that’s fine. How much money have you got on your catering account? Do you need any more?" 

Peter shook his head. "I’ve got plenty" 

Tony stroked his hair gently. "It’s good to see you settling down and making friends. Are you - are you happy?" 

"No” Peter said. “But I’m not 100% miserable any more" 

"Well” Tony said awkwardly. “That’s progress, I suppose" 

"Can I ask you something?" 

"Anything" 

"Were you annoyed when you got your diagnosis?” So much for not talking about the sad stuff.

Tony paused, thinking. “A little bit. I felt… I don’t know. Weak. For being ill. I don’t feel like that now though. Why? Are you annoyed?" 

Peter nodded. "And upset. I thought I was stronger than this. It sounds so ugly. I don’t like it" 

"No one likes being ill. Look, kiddo, you went through something pretty major. It’s bound to have a lasting effect" 

Peter buried his face in Tony’s chest. 

"You haven’t talked about her much recently" 

Peter swallowed. "Talking won’t bring her back" 

"No. But it’s good to remember people" 

"I don’t want to remember. It won’t hurt if I forget" 

"I’m not sure that’s quite true” Tony said. “Peter, you can’t forget her, even if you try" 

"I sometimes think I have” Peter mumbled. “When I think about her it doesn’t always feel real, like I never really knew her. Like she was just a character or something. And sometimes it feels like if I dial her number she’ll actually answer. Like she just moved away" 

Tony took his phone out of his pocket, scrolling far down on his camera roll. 

"Put your head up, kiddo. I want you to watch this" 

Peter did so, reluctantly, and Tony pressed play on the video on his phone. 

- 

_It started with the big wheel, looking far too white against the black sky. There was a rumbling of crowds and inaudible conversation, and then closer voices._

_"My influence is rubbing off on you” Loki said, and the camera turned on him, showing him smiling, snow on his shoulders and hat. “What are you looking at?”_

_“I don’t know, but it’s looking back”_

_“You’re hilarious”  
_

_Peter suddenly appeared, grabbing at Loki’s arm, bouncing on his toes, looking at Tony._

_“Hey, hey, Mr Stark, Mr Stark! You know I said I didn’t know what I wanted for Christmas? I think I do now. Come on, come on, I gotta show you, both of you!”  
_

_“Peter, I told you not to be can-I-’aving” May’s voice sounded off screen.  
_

_“Aww but they said I could have a present!” Peter complained.  
_

_May came into view, and she pinched Peter’s nose. “They spoil you” -_

-

Peter put his hand on the phone and stopped the video. He didn’t want to watch this. He knew what happened. It had been funny for a while, and nice for a long time afterwards. They were all so happy. They were like a little family. They’d never have anything like this again, and there was nothing good about remembering it. It was too sad. He was going to cry, he knew he was going to cry.

“Peter-”

“I don’t want to watch this”

“You always liked this video” Tony said sadly. “I think you should make an effort to remember the good times”

He went to press play again, and Peter knocked the phone out of his hand.

“Hey! Come on now”

“No! I don’t want to!” he pulled away from him.

“Peter, don’t be like that. Why don’t we-”

“NO! I don’t want to remember! I don’t  _want_ to talk about it! I hate it, I hate it, I hate it!”

Tony tried to hug him, but Peter pushed him away, shouting at him through his tears.

“Leave me alone! I don’t want you! I want Loki, I want Loki!” 

“Sweetheart, please, be reasonable”

“Why?! What’s the point? Just leave me alone!” 

And with that he fled the room, and Tony stood in the kitchen in shock, alarmed by his outburst, and full of doubt about the future. 

*


	21. Something In The Silence

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Disappointment puts Peter on edge, and wreaks havoc with his emotions

-

Peter turned back to silence. Tony wasn’t entirely sure what had prompted it, but he knew there was no point trying to force him to speak. 

“Don’t forget your swim kit” he said. “Still want to leave early?" 

Peter nodded. He wanted to get out of the house as soon as possible. He liked his school breakfasts with Macy - she always made him feel better.

- 

Breakfast was good, but the rest of the day felt tedious. He couldn’t concentrate at all. He feigned feeling unwell so he wouldn’t have to join in in PE. He accepted the daily bagel offer but had to give up half way through (although Flo was more than happy to finish it off for him). He wasn’t feeling hungry at all at lunch, but he bumped into Alison, and she took him along to her lunchtime club with her, so he managed to avoid the dining hall. 

Peter fell asleep for a little bit, and woke up feeling even worse than before. Alison insisted on taking him back to his form to register, and handed him over to the worried looking trio. 

"Oooh, you’ve been with your Big Sister!” Millie said. “Why didn’t you say?" 

"You just disappeared!” Flo said. “We were worried about you" 

Macy didn’t say anything, but she nodded in agreement. Peter didn’t respond. He just sat down and stared at his hands. 

- 

Lessons in autobiography came as a shock. It was never something that he felt could bother him, but as soon as the teacher said the word, he started feeling funny. And when she brought up examples for them to see, on the subject of ‘My Family’, he suddenly found tears in his eyes and a hot, shaky feeling in his stomach. 

"Now, what does family mean to you?” Mrs Ilam said, surveying the room for a willing participant. “Peter?" 

Peter froze. He could feel everyone looking at him. He didn’t feel well. Mrs Ilam came over to the desk, giving his whiteboard a tap. 

"Go on, don’t be shy" 

_Can I step out for a minute?_

Mrs Ilam paused, and nodded. "Yes, by all means. Millie, go with him" 

"I’ll go!” Macy offered. 

“I asked Millie”

- 

Peter and Millie sat in silence on the chairs outside. After a couple of minutes, Millie reached out and took his hand, and he didn’t pull away. 

“She shouldn’t have called on you” Millie said. “They all know what happened”

Peter didn’t think Mrs Ilam had been picking him to be spiteful, but he appreciated Millie’s sentiment. Millie could see the tears in his eyes. 

“It’s ok to cry” she said. “… Do you want a hug?" 

Peter nodded, and Millie held him close. She was warm and soft, with sweet, fruity perfume and soft hair. Peter closed his eyes, feeling safe with her, and he couldn’t help crying. Millie had anticipated this, and she held him tighter. She couldn’t help feeling sad, not just out of sympathy, but because this was the only sound he ever made. She hadn’t a clue what his voice was like - if he had one at all - and even his laughter was mostly silent. She often thought he was like a little mouse, small and soft and quiet, but sometimes squeaky. She hated it when her friends were sad, and the newest member of her pack seemed to be nothing but. 

- 

They stayed in each others arms even after he’d stopped crying. They would have stayed like that indefinitely had the classroom door not opened. They still stayed close at each others side, hands clasped.

"Are you ok?” Mrs Ilam asked gently. 

Peter shrugged. It should be perfectly obvious that he wasn’t. 

“Don’t shrug, Peter; it looks so undignified” She said. “Why don’t you come back in for the rest of the lesson? You will need to collect the homework strip. Come along now, it’s just fifteen minutes" 

Peter looked at Millie, who gave his hand a squeeze. 

"He doesn’t want to, Miss” she said. “I’ll stay with him. Flo can get the strips for us" 

Mrs Ilam sighed. "So be it. Don’t you two go wandering off now" 

She left them out in the corridor, much to their relief. 

"Fifteen minutes till home time” Millie said, leaning against him. “I can’t wait to get home. Oh Peter, you  _must_ come over some time! Come tonight! My parents won’t mind, honest" 

Peter looked at her, and slowly took out his phone. He texted Tony. 

 ’ _Can I go round to Millie’s tonight?_ ' 

They both watched his screen in quiet anticipation, and both visibly deflated at the reply. 

’ _Not tonight, kiddo. It’s too short notice_ ' 

"Aww. Ok, I suppose we’ll have to plan it properly, then” Millie sighed. “I can get mother to agree to any day with no trouble. Tomorrow? Thursday? Friday? Ooh, maybe Friday! Flo and Macy can come too, and you can sleep over! You’ll ask when you get home, won’t you? Promise me?" 

Peter nodded and mimed crossing his heart. Millie grinned and kissed him on the cheek. 

"Mother will love you” she said. “And you’ll love her! Everyone does. She makes wonderful cakes. I’ll ask her tonight about Friday, and I’ll text you when she says yes" 

Peter hugged her tight. He still couldn’t believe they were friends,  _proper_  friends. It felt good. 

- 

Peter wanted to ask as soon as he got in the car, but Tony had his hands free set on, and was having a less than friendly chat with someone over the phone, so he had to sit quietly. He still hadn’t finished the call once they got home and were parked in the garage. Tony passed Peter his keys and gestured for him to go up into the house and leave him to finish the call. 

Peter got out of the car and went inside. He checked the post (still no word from Loki), and went to his room, changing out of his uniform and into something comfortable. He knew the only homework he had was that bloody autobiography homework, and there was no way he was doing that. He flopped down on the bed, grabbed his new MP3, and shoved his headphones over his ears. He supposed he had nothing better to do.

-

Once Millie texted confirming that her mother had said yes, Peter took his headphones off and went to find Tony. He found him in the kitchen, searching through the cupboards, but he stopped and looked up when he heard the boy.

“Hey kiddo. What’s up?”

“Can stay over at Millie’s this Friday please?” Peter asked shakily. “Her mum says it’s ok”

Tony looked at him doubtfully. He didn’t doubt that there was permission on the other side - but he did doubt whether or not it was a good idea. If it was just going round for tea, he might be tempted to say yes. But actually sleeping over? He wasn’t so sure. Peter was still suffering with bad nightmares, sometimes two or three times a night. He had more disturbed nights than undisturbed ones, and they were not easy things to deal with. What if he were to wake up screaming surrounded by his friends? There was no telling how they would react, or how the parents would react, or how Peter would feel afterwards were it to happen. There was too much scope for upset.

“Have you got a number for Millie’s mother?”

“Um. Well, you could call Millie on my phone and get her to give the phone to her mother” Peter suggested. “I can text and warn her?”

“Yes, that’s a good idea” He allowed him to send the text, and then took the phone from him. “Step outside, kiddo. Grown-up talk”

-

Millie’s mother was lovely on the phone, supportive and understanding and sympathetic. She gave her own perspective, and ensured him that Peter would be looked after very well. Tony didn’t doubt it, and in the end they came to a joint conclusion, said their professional goodbyes, and hung up their children’s phones.

-

Tony called Peter back into the room, handing him back his phone. 

“Thanks kiddo” he said softly. “Now, about Friday”

“Millie said her mum can pick us up from school. It’s just Saturday I’d need getting”

“Peter” Tony put his hands on the boys shoulders. “I’m sorry. My answer is no”

Peter stopped, the smile fading from his face. “What?”

“You can’t go to Millie’s this weekend”

“What do you mean? Why not? Am I in trouble?”

“No! No, it’s not that. I just don’t think it’s a good idea”

“What?! How can it  _not_ be a good idea? I thought you  _wanted_ me to make friends, and now you’re not letting me see then outside of school?” tears sprung to his eyes. “I’m going!” 

“No, you’re not” Tony said firmly. “I don’t want you staying over at your friends”

“Why?! Is it because they’re all girls and I’m a boy?”

“What? No! It’s not like that! How could you think I’d think like that?” Tony sighed deeply. “Peter, I’m sorry, but you’re not going, and that’s final”

Predictably, Peter burst into tears. 

“Oh sweetheart, please don’t cry” Tony said. “It’s for the best”

He tried to hug him, but Peter pulled away.

“It’s not fair! I haven’t even done anything wrong! Why do you have to punish me like this?”

“Peter, I’m not punishing you”

“Why won’t you let me go then?!”

“Because I’m worried that you’ll embarrass yourself when you wake up screaming from a nightmare!”

Peter stopped for a moment. “…What?”

“Kid, we still haven’t figured out how to control your nightmares, and you’re still having them most nights. It’s hard enough to deal with it here, let alone in someone else’s house. I don’t think you’re ready” 

“That’s not your call to make!”

“It is, and I have. Maybe later, when you’re more stable, we’ll consider it. But not now. It’s for the best, kiddo”

Peter took a very deep breath, trying to ignore the thumping in his chest. He lifted his head and looked Tony in the eye.

“I hate you”

Tony sighed. “I understand you’re upset. Have you done your homework?”

“I didn’t have any”

“Ok. Go and watch telly for a bit before tea” he said. “I’ll call you when it’s ready”

“I don’t want anything”

“Oh for gods sake, Peter, don’t be so silly” Tony said, calmly enough. “You still need to eat, even if you’re angry with me”

“I hate you!”

“So you said. Look, kid, I’m not saying no to be mean, you know that. I just think we need to wait until you’re a little bit better”

Peter knuckled his eyes and glared at him. “Loki would let me go”

Tony sighed sadly. “Well, Loki’s not here”

-

Peter refused to eat. He shut himself in his room and sulked. It was so unfair. He’d started to look forward to going to Millie’s - and now he wasn’t allowed. He’d let her down. He felt like he’d even let  _himself_ down. Tony’s reasoning wasn’t good enough. There was no guarantee he’d actually have a nightmare. He never usually had them when he was sleeping next to Loki or Tony, so being with Millie would surely be safe. Obviously Tony thought differently.

-

Peter clung to Tony’s shirt, squeezing his eyes shut and focusing on his breathing.

“Just a dream” Tony repeated. “It was just a dream. You’re safe now”

Peter swallowed hard. “This doesn’t prove your point, you know…”

Tony sighed. He knew Peter was going to be upset over this for a little while yet.

-

_I’m sorry_

Millie hugged Peter tight. “Don’t be sorry! Mother said your father said maybe some other time. So hey, maybe some other time! Aww, don’t cry!”

He felt so guilty. He’d expected Millie to be upset with him, but she was just as nice and understanding as ever. 

-

Peter quickly grew frustrated. He couldn’t concentrate on lessons and he couldn’t do his work. He couldn’t even hold a conversation with the girls. He was shaking a lot, and he had horrible heart palpitations. He felt far too hot, and everything was getting on his nerves. 

The rest of the class picked up on the vibe, but it took until PSME in third for it to be noticed by a teacher.

“Oh dear, someone’s cross today!” Ms Hathersage said, shaking her head at Peter. “What’s the matter?”

Peter ignored her, slamming his whiteboard down on the desk and flopping in his seat, banging his satchel down on the floor. Ms Hathersage chose not to tell him off. 

“Why don’t you tell us what’s wrong?” Flo suggested, squeezing his hand.

Peter shook his head and wouldn’t look at her, but he squeezed her hand back. He felt like he was boiling over. He was breathing audibly through his nose, and he couldn’t keep still.

-

Peter sat tapping the ends of his pen on the desk, trying to stop his hand from shaking. He couldn’t focus on Ms Hathersage, but he kept catching snippets of the lesson.

“…This isn’t a trick question. What are some causes of conflict?”

Peter clutched his pen in his fist, breathing a little faster.

“Peter? Do you have an answer for us?”

Peter slammed his pen down on the desk, pushing himself to his feet and storming out of the room. Millie, Macy, and Flo looked at each other after the door closed, and stood up.

“Sit back down” Ms Hathersage said. “Leave him alone, girls”

“But-”

“Don’t answer back, Macy” Ms Hathersage sighed. “Leave him”

The girls reluctantly sat down. They didn’t want to stand by and be useless, not when they were needed. But they had no choice.

-

Peter paced the corridor, unable to calm down. He was so angry, and he didn’t really know why. Part of him wanted to scream and shout, but the part of him that kept him silent in public took over. He felt trapped by his own emotions. 

Ms Hathersage came out into the corridor. Peter stopped, facing her, breathing heavily.

“Is everything ok?” she asked. “You’re not yourself today. Has something happened?”

Peter turned his head away, clenching his fists. Ms Hathersage sighed. She went to squeeze his shoulder, but he pushed her hand away.

“Why are you so cross?” 

Peter didn’t reply, just grabbed his shaking wrist in his hand, trying to stop it by pure force. He didn’t need to be lectured. 

“Come with me, Peter”

-

She took him to a room by reception with dark green leather sofas and an ugly greeny-grey carpet. She got him a drink and told him she’d send someone with his things shortly.

Once she’d gone, Peter sunk down onto one of the sofas, buried his face in one of the green throw pillows, and cried furiously. Now he’d gone and done it. He was in trouble. Tony was going to be so angry if he found out. It just wasn’t fair. 

-

Peter heard the door open, but kept his head buried in the cushion. He was vaguely aware of a weight beside him, and he heard the door close again. He looked up briefly, and found his coat and ugly satchel beside him. He knocked the satchel onto the floor and buried his face in the cushion again. 

The door opened again no more than twenty minutes later. It closed, and Peter felt someone sit down beside him. He knew who it was without looking up. They went to lay a hand on his shoulder, and he sat bolt-upright and smacked them hard with the cushion.

“Woah, hey! Don’t do that”

Peter hit him again, dropped the cushion, and stood up, pacing the room. 

“Sweetheart, what’s the matter? I was so worried when the school phoned. I thought you’d been hurt”

Peter glanced at him briefly, but quickly looked away. 

“You’re shaking” Tony noted. “Focus on your breathing, sweetheart”

He was being so nice, so calm, and Peter hated him for it. He was in trouble - why else would he have been put in seclusion down here? - so why wasn’t he angry with him? It didn’t make any sense.

“Is this because I said no?”

Peter grabbed a cushion from the other sofa and threw it at him. Tony took the hit without protest. He didn’t want to overstep the mark. He’d never seen Peter like this. He’d seen him angry before, of course, but in a different way. Usually, he went sulky when he was angry. Less often (but lots more since the accident), he’d scream and shout and swear. This was different:- the shaking, the noisy breathing, the look in his eyes. It was scarily familiar, and it took Tony a moment to recognise it as the way Loki got when he was upset and didn’t want anyone to know why.

“They said they’d write a green slip for you” Tony said. “Whenever you are ready, I’ll take you home”

Peter found another pillow, and hit him with it. Tony snatched it from him, hitting him back.

“It’s time to calm down now”

Peter looked at him. He fell onto him, buried his head in his chest, and screamed. 

-

Tony held onto him until he’d stopped shaking. Peter relaxed against his chest, his anger replaced by exhaustion. 

“…I think I’m ready to go home now”

-

Peter slept for a while after they got home. When he woke up, his anger had crept back up on him. He paced the house, feeling distant from it all. He looked at all the ornaments and souvenirs and the pictures on the wall. He stopped in the hallway, looking at the picture on the cabinet. It was a photo from their holiday to England, of Loki and Peter paddling in Robin Hoods Bay, holding hands. The photo was taken from behind, but Peter had his head turned to the side, so you could see that he was smiling up at Loki, and that Loki was smiling down at him. 

Peter tore his eyes away from it. He didn’t want to think about Loki. He’d walked out on them, and he hadn’t been in touch for ages. He’d been gone nearly two months now, although it often felt like longer. He didn’t care about them. Peter looked up at the wall, and his eyes were drawn to another photograph. It was taken in a doorway, and Loki was leaning against the wall, legs up on the step, wearing a sharp black suit, one hand by his chest, the other casually rested on his lap. He was looking off into the distance - and he looked incredible. Peter knew it was from a magazine photoshoot. Where Loki was concerned, Tony had a habit of getting in touch with photographers and requesting originals of photos he’d seen in the press and liked. Even the big wedding photo on the mantelpiece in the living room was a candid paparazzi shot that Tony had liked so much he’d tracked down the photographer. 

Peter looked at the photo, really looked at it, and he saw red. How could he just  _leave_ them like that? Before he knew what he was doing, the framed photo was shattered on the floor. Peter looked down at it, trembling, too high on adrenaline to notice the shards of glass in his hand, and the blood, trickling down his fingers. 

*


	22. What You Looking At?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peter's anger gets the better of him

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Smaller chapter this time. Next one will be longer.
> 
> Still offering a fic for anyone who can guess the chapter title connections.
> 
> Also note to Cosmos - I have started your oneshot, but I can't say when it'll get finished, so I'm afraid patience is going to have to be a theme! Sorry!

-

Discharge papers signed, they walked out of the hospital. Once they reached the car, Tony gave Peter a hard pat on the bottom.

“You’re a smart kid, but you really lack common sense sometimes” he frowned. “You could have done yourself permanent damage”

Peter didn’t say anything, and climbed in the car. He looked down at his bandaged hand. The anaesthetic was wearing off and it was starting to throb. Tony climbed in on the drivers side. He looked at Peter’s hand, and at Peter himself.

“I trust you won’t go putting your hand through any more pictures any time soon”

Peter folded his arms over his chest.

“I’m not the one you should be angry at” he grumbled.

Tony sighed heavily. “Put your belt on”

-

_“And we’ll only be making it right, ‘cause we’ll never be wrong, together we can take it to the end of the line, your love is like a shadow on me all of the time”_

_“I don’t know what to do and I’m always in the dark, we’re living in a powder keg and giving off sparks”_

_Peter pushed between them. “I really need you tonight, forever’s gonna start tonight-!”_

_May grabbed hold of him, pulling him back._

_“Leave them alone!”  
_

_“Why? They think it’s funny”  
_

_He was right: Tony and Loki were both laughing at him._

_“It’s just a bit of fun” Loki said. wiping under his eye with his thumb. “Why don’t you choose the next one?”  
_

_Peter picked up the MP3 player. May looked over his shoulder._

_“Don’t pick something stupid”  
_

_“Oh, please do!” Tony said. “It’s funnier when it’s stupid”  
_

_May sighed, taking the MP3 from Peter. “Well, if it’s stupid you want…”_

_Peter’s face lit up as the song started. He jumped at Loki, grabbing his hands._

_“You know this one!”  
_

_Loki laughed, pulling May up from her seat and forcing her to join them. Tony laughed too, taking May’s hands so Peter had Loki to himself. Peter grinned up at Loki, word-perfect in his miming, somehow_ still  _managing to look great when he was messing about. He was happy - maybe that was it. Tony was enjoying himself too, and as much as she might not admit it, May was too. She kept looking over at Loki, laughing at him, admiring him… These were the times Peter loved best - when they were all being silly and happy, and comfortable doing it. Peter loved showing off and playing with Loki, and mirroring each others almost-dancing was perfect._

 _“I swear sometimes that man is_ out  _to get me!”_

_-_

Peter looked up. He hadn’t realised he’d nodded off, and he felt weird. He went off to Tony’s room and pushed the door open.

“Peter! Don’t you know how to knock?!” Tony snapped, furiously scrubbing the tears from his face. “What do you want?”

“Well, nothing, not if you’re gonna be like that” Peter scowled, turning on his heel.

“Peter? Hey, hold up” Tony rushed after him, grabbing him by the shoulder. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to snap”

“You’ve been crying again” Peter said, looking him up and down. “I think we need to forget about him”

“What?! Peter! Don’t say things like that!”

“Well, why not?! He doesn’t care about us! He wouldn’t’ve stopped writing if he cared! He wouldn’t have even walked out in the first place!!”

“He  _does_ care! He’s just…”

“He’s just what?! I hate him! I hope he never comes back!”

“You don’t mean that”

Peter growled. “How would you know what I mean? We’re better off without him. He’s never gonna come back, and I’m glad of it! He’s horrible and he’s upset you and he doesn’t even  _care_!”

“Peter, what’s gotten into you?? It’s three o’ clock in the morning”

“So? You know what I’m saying is true! I don’t get it! Why do you still love him? And why did  _she_ like him so much?!”

Tony put his hands on Peter’s shoulders. “You need to calm down”

“Why should I?! I hate him! He could’ve had his pick of  _anyone_ , so why did he have to choose May?! She was too good for him! I hate him, I hate him!” Peter shook Tony’s hands off, knuckling his eyes. “You can’t even deny it. I read more of that diary; I know what kind of filthy stuff you used to get up to. I hate him! He’s just using you, he was using her too! He’s nothing but a selfish little slut!”

There was a horrible silence. Tony closed his eyes for the count of ten, and then looked at Peter.

“I’m in half a mind to wash your mouth out with soap” he said. “You need to calm down and go back to bed”

“But-!”

“One more word” Tony said. “One more word, and I will be scrubbing your tongue with a bar of carbolic, do you understand?”

Peter did understand, but he didn’t like it. “Why are you picking on me all of a sudden? Fuck! It’s not fair! It’s not  _my_ fault you married a fucking slapper-”

-

Peter pushed a chair up under the door handle to barricade it. Tony had followed through on his threat, and it had been utterly disgusting. But Peter supposed it had been effective, because now he never wanted to say a word to that man every again. How long the effect would last was another matter entirely.

-

Peter woke up to Tony banging on his bedroom door, and was forced to get out of bed and move the chair so he could open it.

“Oh good, you’re up. Get a move on, sweetheart”

Peter glared at him. “I’m not going”

“Uh, yes you are” Tony said. “You had half a day off yesterday, and there’s no reason for you to miss any more lessons”

“I said, I’m not going”

“And I said you are” Tony said, scooting round him and finding his satchel. “Did you do your homework last night?”

“I didn’t have any”

“Right. Are you having breakfast with Macy again today?”

“I’m not going to school”

“Yes, you are. Now stop being silly and get ready” 

Peter shook his head and sat down on the bed. 

“Peter, so help me, if you don’t get yourself ready, then I’ll do it for you” 

“Fine!” Peter shouted, standing up and pushing him towards the door. “But when I come home all bloody and bruised, it’s gonna be all your fault!”

-

“Oh Peter, what happened to your  _hand_?” Millie asked.

 _A picture fell off the wall_ , Peter wrote. Well, it wasn’t a lie. Not exactly.

“Oh dear, does it still hurt?” she touched his bandages gently. 

“Poor Peter” Flo said, giving him a hug. “You’re not having much luck this week, are you?”

Peter leant against her. Somehow he was glad he’d lost the fight at home this morning. It was good to be around friends. 

All three girls made a big fuss of him, even more so than usual, and even Malaki braved the girls and came over to give him a hug. Peter couldn’t stay angry at the world, not with these four on his side. It felt like everything was ok - for now, at least.

-

Peter sat in the kitchen doing his homework. They’d been asked to start drafting their ‘My Family’ autobiographies, but Peter was ignoring that one. He’d hidden the slip in the back of his jotter where Tony wouldn’t think to look. 

“Hey kid”

Peter ignored him. 

“Hey, don’t ignore me” Tony sighed. “Where’s your phone?”

Peter stayed quiet.

“Peter! I said, where’s your phone?”

“What does it matter to you?”

“Don’t  _speak_ to me like that! Give me your phone”

“Why should I?”

“Because I said so! Stop being a pest and just do as you’re told”

“Leave me alone! I’m busy!”

Tony sighed, grabbing hold of him and feeling in the pocket of his hoodie. Peter snapped, hitting out and shoving him.

“Get off!”

“Hey, stop that!” Tony said, his voice cold. He’d managed to get his phone, and Peter tried to snatch it back. “Oi! Sit back down”

“Give it back!” 

“No. Now sit back and finish your homework”

Peter didn’t. He jumped at Tony and wrestled his mobile back out of his hands. Tony wasn’t best pleased. He inspected the scratches on his hand and glowered at him.

“Now, there’s no need for such violence” he said. “Give me your phone”

“NO!”

Tony gave up. “Oh, fine, then! I was considering doing you a favour, but if you’re going to be such a brat, I can see it’d just be a waste of time. Go to your room”

“I’m doing my homework!”

“Well, go and do it in your room”

“No way! It’s either doing my homework or going to my room; not both. So make a choice”

“Don’t you try to barter with  _me_ , young man!”

Peter rolled his eyes, and Tony grabbed him by the shoulders and shook him.

“You are driving me insane! Go to your room!”

He released the boy. Peter huffed and stormed out of the room. He slammed his bedroom door behind him, and just to be annoying, plugged his MP3 into the speakers and turned the volume up high.

-

As predicted, there was soon a banging on his bedroom door. 

“Peter! Turn that down!”

Peter turned it up, if only to be defiant. Tony didn’t appreciate this. He pushed the door open and turned off the speakers.

“Hey!”

“You’re just being difficult for the sake of it now” Tony frowned, unplugging the speakers and tucking them under his arm.

“Hey, those are mine!”

“Consider them confiscated. You can have them back when you learn to behave yourself”

“That’s not  _fair_!!”

“It’s not raining either”

- 

Peter stayed in his room for a bit, but the longer he was alone, the angrier he got, and he soon went off to track down Tony.

“I thought I sent you to your room”

“You did”

“So why are you stood there, then? Are you here to apologise?”

“I’ve got nothing to apologise for” he said, sitting down heavily.

Tony sighed deeply, closing his laptop. “Kid, give me a break. I’ve got enough to deal with without you making it even more difficult. Please, won’t you just behave yourself for five minutes? I need to work”

“What about tea?”

“After the way you’ve behaved, I don’t think you deserve it”

Peter narrowed his eyes at him. “I’ll ring Li and tell her you’re starving me”

Tony opened his laptop again. “Don’t try to blackmail me, kiddo”

Peter watched him. He didn’t know why he was acting like this - but then, nothing had made much sense since the accident, least of all his feelings. He felt like being difficult. He took Tony’s laptop, scrolling through the spreadsheets.

“Hey, give that back!” Tony snapped.

“I’m just looking!” Peter said, hanging on to it. 

“Peter, I’m not in the mood for your idiocy. I have stuff to do. Now give it back”

“I wanna see what you’re doing”

Tony wrenched the laptop out of his hands. “I’ll show you. So this launch-”

“I don’t care about the launch” Peter said, pretending to yawn. “Can’t we do some  _proper_ work”

“This  _is_ proper work” Tony said, frowning at him. 

He looked at Peter, at the way he was acting, and in that moment, he really hated him.

“Well, it’s boring. Can’t you take a break? I wanna go out”

“You’re not going out” Tony said. “It’s a school night”

“So?”

“ _So_ , you need to get to bed at a reasonable time”

Peter rolled his eyes, making another grab for the laptop. 

“Oi!” Tony snapped, swatting at him. “I’m trying to work. Don’t you have anything better to do?”

“No” Peter said. “I mean, I  _would_ , if you hadn’t confiscated my speakers, and if you’d said yes to me going to Millie’s. But you have, and you didn’t, so I don’t”

Tony gave him an exasperated look, and tried hard to focus on his work. Peter watched him for a moment.

“Can I have some rose lemonade?”

“It’s Loki’s”

“So? He’s not here, is he? It’s not like we’ll ever see him again, so it’s not like he’s gonna miss it” he stood up, and Tony grabbed hold of his wrist.

“Don’t you dare”

Peter huffed and sat back down. “You’re a fool for thinking he’s gonna come back”

Tony closed his eyes and started counting. One, two, three, four-

“I reckon he’s found someone else now”

“Peter, I swear to god-” 

“What? This means you can get back with Pepper if you like. Or one of the other thousands of girls you’ve shagged”

“Peter, if you don’t shut up-”

“Moving on might be a good idea, y’know”

“Peter! You’re going to earn yourself a good old-fashioned smacked backside if you don’t give it a rest”

Peter went quiet. Tony dared breathe out.

“I’m right though”

Tony snapped. “Right, that’s it-!”

-

As soon as Peter started crying, Tony suddenly felt absolutely awful. 90% of him wanted to hug him close and kiss his face and say he was sorry and that he didn’t deserve it and that he would never do anything like that ever again. But 10% of him knew that Peter had been naughty and rude and had been trying his luck and needed to be disciplined and put in his place. And the 10% won.

“If you’re going to continue to behave so atrociously, you’ll continue to be punished for it. There’s no excuse for the way you’ve been acting recently. Now go to your room. I don’t want to hear so much as a squeak from you until morning”

Peter went without argument, crying into his hands, and once he was gone, Tony flopped down on the sofa. Acting parent was exhausting. He wasn’t sure how much longer he could cope with this.

*


	23. I Smile Again

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There's a change of plan, which proves daunting initially

-

Peter woke up early on Thursday morning feeling strangely calm. He got ready for school with no fuss. He gave Tony a hug by way of apology, but he’d fallen non-verbal, and didn’t say anything. 

-

“Are you ok?” Macy asked, watching him struggle to finish his toast.

Peter shrugged. He wasn’t quite sure.

“Haven’t you got much of an appetite today?”

Peter shook his head. Macy squeezed his good hand. 

“How’s your hand? Better?”

Peter nodded slightly. He would be allowed to take the bandages off and keep to plasters after today, but he didn’t have the energy to write all that down for her. He was too tired to do anything much.

-

Mrs Ilam looked at the class over the rim of her half-moon glasses.

“Mr Parker” she said firmly. “Would you come here, please?”

Millie squeezed his hand in encouragement, and he stood up and approached the desk. 

“Now. I asked everyone to make a draft of their ‘My Family’ autobiography to hand in to me today. Everyone in the class has handed me something, aside from you. Did you forget it?”

Peter shook his head.

“Well then. Where is it?”

Peter didn’t respond. He hated the feeling of everyone watching him.

“Peter” Mrs Ilam said. “Have you written a draft?”

Peter shook his head. 

“And why is that?”

Peter glanced back over at his desk, where he’d left his whiteboard. Mrs Ilam saw him looking.

“No need for that: there’s a whiteboard right here” she tapped it with a whiteboard pen, which she then handed to him. “Why don’t you tell everyone why you have neglected to complete this assignment?”

She sat back in her chair, looking pleased with herself. Peter swallowed hard, looking at the pen in his hand. He supposed he had no choice. He scrawled his answer and quickly left the room, collapsing into a chair in the corridor, leaving his message on the board.

_You can’t write about something you don’t have_

_-_

It was only a few minutes before the classroom door opened. Peter looked up, and Mrs Ilam closed the door and sat down beside him. She put his whiteboard on his lap.

“I’m sorry. I was insensitive”

Peter didn’t have anything to say. He looked down at the whiteboard until it blurred. He hated himself for being reduced to tears so easily, but he couldn’t help it. 

“We’ll have to discuss this further” she said. “We can bend the rules a bit, widen the definition of family. You will need to write something. Perhaps you could write about your guardians?”

Peter shook his head, and went to wipe his eyes. Mrs Ilam stopped him.

“Peter, how many times?” she said, reaching into his front blazer pocket and whipping out his handkerchief. “Not on your sleeve”

Peter took the handkerchief to wipe his eyes with. He hadn’t been in trouble at this school yet, not really, but he got tutted at often for two things:- shrugging, and wiping his eyes on his sleeve. He hadn’t quite shaken the habits yet. 

“There now. Are you ready to come back in?”

Peter took a very deep breath, and nodded. He’d have to face it eventually, and he supposed sooner was better than later.

-

School was exhausting. Peter was glad to get in the car at the end of the day. He wasn’t so glad when he had to sit and do his homework. He was so tired, and he couldn’t concentrate at all. He read the same question over and over again, unable to process it properly. Everything kept going blurry, and he felt hot. He just wanted to get this over with so he could go to bed.

-

Tony gave Peter a little shake, and the boy jumped awake.

“Woah. Hey, it’s just me” Tony said softly. “You dropped off”

Peter looked down at his incomplete homework, and rubbed his eyes, annoyed at himself for falling asleep, but more annoyed that he was crying again. Tony looked at the homework slip.

“This isn’t due in until next week. Have another shot at it at the weekend. It’s ok to take a break. You look exhausted” 

Peter nodded. He felt it.

“Why don’t you go and settle down on the sofa for a bit while I get the dinner started? Have a little kip if you need it”

Peter nodded again, pushing himself up from his seat. He felt all weird and wobbly.

“Dad... I don’t feel right”

Tony felt his forehead. “You’re a little bit warm. I think you might just be tired. Hold on a minute” He fetched him a sports drink from the fridge. “Here. You might be a bit dehydrated too. This will help. Now go and settle yourself down. I’ll check on you in a few minutes”

-

Peter curled up under a blanket on the sofa, sipping his drink and trying to concentrate on The Simpsons. Everything seemed all fuzzy at the edges, and he was struggling to keep his eyes open. He’d never felt quite like this before, all weird and hot on top of it all. He wondered if this was what Loki felt like when he had a flare-up.

-

“Hey, sleepy-head” 

Peter blinked at him. “...I fell asleep...”

“Yeah, you did. Here, sit up now. You need to eat”

“I don’t really feel hungry” Peter mumbled, sitting up and rubbing his eyes.

“It’s nothing heavy” Tony said, putting the tray on his lap. “Just eat what you can. You need the strength”

-

After he’d finished eating, Tony sat down with him.

“Peter, I need to talk to you about something”

Peter looked at him. “What have I done?”

“Nothing, nothing. No, you see, it’s about tomorrow night”

Peter felt a pang. Friday night had turned into a horrible thing to think about. Millie and Macy and Flo were going to be spending the night together - and he wasn’t allowed to go. He now understood Tony’s reasoning, but he was still upset about it. 

“I got Millie’s home phone from your mobile, and I talked to her mother again today” 

Peter looked at him quizzically. 

“We talked, and Peter, I haven’t changed my mind: I’m not comfortable letting you stay over at Millie’s, not right now”

Peter slumped in his seat. He didn’t want to hear this again. What was the point?

“But” Tony said. “We did agree on something”

Peter perked up slightly, head tilted in curiosity.

“If you’d like to, you can go round for the evening, for tea. Straight there after school, and I’ll pick you up at around eight?”

Peter stared at him. Was he hearing him right?

“I- I can go round?”

“Just for the evening. Would you like to?”

Peter burst into tears. He covered his mouth with his hands and nodded.

“Yes! Yes, oh dad, thank you! Thank you thank you thank you!”

He threw himself into Tony’s arms, and Tony laughed and hugged him tight.

“I had a think about it all, and I think it’s unfair for you to have to miss out completely. Take a change of clothes with you to school tomorrow. Millie’s mother said she’d tell Millie, so it’s all fixed”

Peter cried into his chest. “You don’t know how much this means to me!”

“No” Tony said, smiling down at him. “But I can guess”

-

The news spread quickly, and Peter was greeted on Friday morning by all three girls throwing themselves at him. Peter laughed and hugged them happily, crying again.

“Aww! Happy tears!” Millie laughed, kissing his face. It was a nice change.

Peter could feel himself blushing. Flo and Macy laughed and kissed him too, making him blush more. He felt so happy. He got out his phone, finding Ned’s number, and sending him a text.

‘ _Cafe with the broken neon sign on Sunday? 10am?_ ’

It was hardly a minute before he received a reply.

‘ _Sure! Can’t wait to see you again!_ ’

Peter laughed happily, hugging his phone to his chest. Things were going to get better. That’s what he believed, in that moment at least.

-

Peter’s heart started thumping at the end of the day as they walked towards the car park. 

“Mother said she’d have to send the driver” Millie said. “She’s got some things to do”

She suddenly waved, and Peter saw the Bentley Bentayga SUV she was looking at. It was an impressive looking car, and Peter couldn’t help  _being_  impressed. He still felt a little out of place climbing into it. The girls seemed perfectly at home, but then, he supposed they’d been used to this kind of thing all their lives. 

-

Millie’s house was enormous, and in a completely different way to the Stark’s. It was more of an estate, with huge grounds. The front hall was something else entirely. It was like something out of a film, or in the very least, a home magazine. Tony often said Loki tried to make their house look like a show-home, but Peter now saw that he was wrong. The Stark’s home was posh and expensive-looking, and mostly clean and tidy, that was true. But there was  _stuff_ there too: scattered books and tech and magazines and newspapers. There were statues and trinkets and souvenirs, old greetings cards, cuddly toys on baskets and chairs, and pictures all over the place. Millie’s house showed none of these signs of life. It really did look like a show-house - posh, fancy, but impersonal. Peter wasn’t sure what to make of it. 

“Good afternoon, Millie, my dear” A pretty lady in a spotless frilly apron appeared and hugged Millie. She looked a lot like Millie herself. She stood back and looked at the others. “Hello again, Macy, Flo, my dears. Now, you must be Peter. I’ve heard a lot about you”

Peter’s heart was thumping, and his stomach hurt. He half-hid behind Flo, and Millie’s mother smiled.

“Aw, don’t be shy now, dear. I’m Mrs Colette, but you can call me Lettie. Everybody does” 

“Childhood nickname” Millie said. 

Peter nodded. He’d somehow never caught her last name before. Amelia Colette sounded perfectly prim and proper, but very beautiful too. 

“Why don’t you go and get changed, kiddies? I must get back to the kitchen”

Millie led them up the huge gilded staircase, along the corridor, and into her room. It was very cute, all white and baby pink, and somehow absolutely pristine. The floorboards were so highly polished you could almost see a clear reflection in them. Peter looked at everything, another magazine-style room, but looking a little more lived in. Millie had little statues of fairies on the shelves, schoolbooks piled on the desk, and all sorts of little bottles and trinkets on the dressing table. It was an incredible dressing table, with the type of mirrors jointed so you could see the back of your head by positioning it properly. It was beautifully white, with ceramic floral handles on the little drawers. 

“It’s beautiful, isn’t it?” Millie said, standing beside him. “My uncle made it for me years ago”

“I keep meaning to get myself a proper dressing table like that” Macy said.

Peter turned to look at her, and as he did, felt all the blood rush to his cheeks. She’d started getting changed, but she hadn’t got round to putting her shirt on yet, and was stood in her bra and jeans. She didn’t seem phased. They all three laughed at the look on Peter’s face. Flo started pulling her uniform off, and Peter found himself staring. He knew he shouldn’t, but he was amazed at their confidence. Plus, there was something entrancing about Flo’s long light hair flowing down her bare skin.

“Aren’t you going to get changed?” Millie said, pulling off her tie.

Peter nodded slightly, recovering a little respect and tearing his eyes away. He’d seen the girls in their swim kits, but those standard school one-piece swim suits were very different to seeing them in their underwear. He swallowed hard, trying hard not to be embarrassed - but it was plainly obvious upon catching sight of his reflection in the mirror that he was. He turned his back to get his regular clothes out of his satchel, and found it was more comfortable not to look at them. He had silly tears in his eyes, and he wasn’t really sure why. He felt like maybe this had been a bad idea. Maybe it was just nerves. 

The other three kept chatting while they were getting changed. Peter tried to be modest, making sure he was never more than half-undressed at any one time. Even when he was dressed, he felt a little odd. He’d just taken jeans, t-shirt, and hoodie, and now he wasn’t sure if, despite the designer labels, they were too casual. Macy looked lovely in her jeans and a smart little button-up shirt, and Flo and Millie both looked very dignified and dainty in their little dresses. He felt a little out of place.

“Aww, you’re even cuter out of your uniform!” Millie said, giving him a hug. “You’re so cuddly, did you know?”

Peter shrugged slightly, but he smiled at her. He was relieved that they didn’t seem put-off by his choice of clothing. He was, however, nervous of what her parents would think. Her mother seemed nice enough, but she’d heard stories about her father, and they weren’t good ones. It was a nerve-wracking thought. He wasn’t sure he wanted to meet him. He hoped he wouldn’t be home tonight.

-

Millie’s mother didn’t look disapprovingly at his outfit, which was another relief. She left them alone in the kitchen so they had some space. The kitchen smelt distinctly of baking, but looking around, there was no evidence that any actual cooking had been done. Sure, there were cakes and biscuits plated up, but there was no mess on the units, no pans and utensils piled up in the sink. It was as though they had appeared by magic. It was a strange one, and confirmed his suspicions that there was a huge difference between being rich and being posh.

-

Peter still couldn’t speak. Millie’s mother knew about the whiteboard, and was happy to give him the chance to write his responses, and the girls were more than used to it by now. It all felt as though it was going fine. They were talking like they always did, and they were comfortable. The rumours were true: Millie’s mother made great cakes. Peter was happy: he was enjoying himself. 

“Hello, dears” Millie’s mother trilled, coming back into the kitchen. 

“Hello, mother” Millie said.

“Can I send you four out into the conservatory for a little while? I’ll have dinner ready within the hour”

“Of course, mother” Millie said, standing up. 

The others did too, so Peter followed them. The conservatory was just as posh and grand as the rest of the house. Peter looked at the red velvet sofas and thought he’d mark them if he so much as looked at them. The girls all sat down without a second thought though, so he joined them. The whole rich and posh thing was still taking a lot of getting used to. He was grateful of the girls, because they never made him feel any different. They made it easy to forget about the social gap. 

-

They went back into the kitchen for their dinner, and Millie’s mother proved herself to be good at making stuff other than just cakes. It was all very nice, eating good food in the worlds fanciest kitchen, warm, comfortable, and surrounded by friends. But, just as they’d finished eating, the front door opened. Its sound seemed to echo round the house, and Peter’s heart stopped. He didn’t need any introduction to know that it was Millie’s father home from work. The footsteps got closer, and Peter’s heart started really thudding, and he broke out in a cold sweat.

“Good evening, father” 

Peter looked up, and saw that a man just as stern as he’d imagined had entered the room. He looked incredibly strict. He was older than Peter had expected - definitely older than Tony - and he didn’t exactly look pleased to be there. 

“Good evening, Amelia. Florence, Macy” he nodded at the girls, and turned his attention to Peter. “Who are you?”

Peter shrunk away from him, looking down at his hands.

“Father, that’s Peter. You know, I told you about him” Millie said.

“Oh yes. The one who doesn’t speak” 

Millie blushed furiously. “That can’t be the only thing you remember me telling you!”

“Don’t take that tone with me, young lady” he snapped, and turned back to Peter. “Parker, isn’t it?”

Peter had to nod, but he still couldn’t bring himself to look at him. A hand came into vision, and he looked up, worried, but it turned out not to be the threat he’d expected. He swallowed hard and took the offered hand. Millie’s father nodded approvingly.

“You have a good, strong handshake” he said. 

Peter nodded, and drew his hand back. He wasn’t sure what to make of Millie’s father. He didn’t seem very friendly, but he didn’t seem to hate him, so that was something. He did, however, have a slight look of disapproval on his face. The reasoning was as yet unclear. 

-

Millie gave Peter a fierce hug once her father had left the room.

“I’m sorry he scared you” she said, kissing his cheek. “He wasn’t very happy when he heard about you”

_Why?_

“Probably just wants to protect his little girl from evil predatory  _boys_ ” Flo said, and collapsed into giggles.

“Flo!” Millie sighed irritably. “He doesn’t care about me. Not unless I’m doing something he can show off about”

Peter shook his head. He didn’t really understand.

“Just ignore him” Millie said loftily. “He’s not a big fan of anyone. At least he actually  _said_ something to you” 

-

The scare of Millie’s father soon passed, and they went through to the living room. They sat on the floor, put the telly on the music channels, and soon got sucked into a game of truth or dare. It wasn’t long before they were all collapsed in a heap, weak with laughter, tears down their cheeks, their stomachs hurting. 

“Ok, ok, I’ve got one!” Macy said, recovering herself. “Millie, I dare you to kiss Peter on the lips!”

“You can’t tell me to do that!” Millie squealed.

“Ok, truth then! How often do you watch porn?”

“MACY!!!” Flo and Millie both squealed.

Macy laughed and sat back on her hands. “Hey, it’s truth or dare! Time to make a choice!” 

Millie went beetroot-red. “Fine!”

She covered her face with her hands for a moment. She took a deep breath, shifted position, put her arms round Peter’s shoulders, and kissed him softly on the lips. Flo and Macy all but screamed, but Peter barely heard them. He’d gone all hot, with a cold shiver up his spine - so similar to the fear he’d had upon meeting Millie’s father, but so different. Millie was so soft, so close, so gentle...

She pulled back, slowly taking her arms from round his shoulders. She swallowed, and looked at Macy.

“Happy now?”

Macy stared at her, and burst out laughing, collapsing against Flo and hugging her.

“That was so cute! Aw Peter, your  _face_!”

The living room door opened, and they all stopped short. Millie’s mother stood in the doorway.

“Peter, dear, someone’s here for you”

The kids looked at each other, and Millie noticed the time.

“It’s already eight o’ clock!”

The living room door opened properly, and Tony appeared beside Millie’s mother. Peter was so excited to see him that he jumped up from the floor and ran over to give him a hug.

“Woah! Hey there, fella” Tony smiled and hugged him back. “Have you had a good night? I hope you’ve been behaving yourself!” 

“He’s been good as gold” Millie’s mother said, smiling. 

Millie, Flo, and Macy had stood up and come over, looking awestruck. 

“Peter!” Flo said. “You never told up your dad was  _Tony Stark_!”

Peter looked at her over his shoulder and smiled. Tony stroked his hair gently.

“Technically, I’m his guardian” Tony said. “Now, long blonde hair, you must be Flo. Millie, you look just like your mother, so that means  _you_  must be Macy”

They all smiled and giggled.

“My father is going to be so jealous when he hears about this!” Macy said. “He loves your work! He reads all your magazine interviews”

“I’m flattered” Tony smiled. 

Just then, Millie’s father came in through the other door. He stopped, recognising Tony straight away. 

“Tony Stark?” he said. “ _The_ Tony Stark? Well, I never!”

Tony accepted his handshake civilly. Peter buried himself further into Tony’s chest. 

“My daughter neglected to tell me who your son was” he said. 

“Ah, yes, well, it’s not exactly common knowledge” Tony said. “I wanted to protect him from all that. I’m sure you can understand”

“Of course”

“Woah, this is so cool!” Flo grinned. “Peter, I can’t believe you didn’t tell us”

Peter looked at her, and up at Tony, smiling proudly. Tony smiled down at him.

“Well, kiddo, we’d better be getting you home. Say goodbye to your friends now. And thank Millie’s parents for having you”

Peter nodded, and nodded in appreciation at Millie’s mother. He was too scared of her father, so went straight to hugging his girls. Macy hugged him tight and kissed his cheek, and Flo did the same. And then Peter stood back, and looked at Millie. 

“Thanks for coming”

She hugged him tightest of all, burying her face in his neck. Tony smiled fondly, as did Millie’s mother. Her father didn’t look happy, but he stayed quiet. Millie pulled back slightly, and for a moment, Peter thought she was going to kiss him. But she didn’t. She just smiled, bumped their noses together, and let him go.

“See you on Monday”

*


	24. Lost

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peter finally sees Ned again for the first time since the funeral

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I promise things will get better

-

Tony gave Peter’s hand a squeeze.

“What are you smiling about?”

Peter shrugged, turning the kettle on.

“Did you have a good night then?”

Peter nodded.

“Good. I’m glad you enjoyed yourself”

“Dad… Um, am I allowed to go out on Sunday?”

Tony looked at him. “Go out where?”

“Just, just out, yknow. I’ve asked Ned to meet me. I haven’t seen him since January” 

“Oh yes. Oh. Yes, of course” Tony gave him a quick hug. “I’ve got to go out tomorrow. Work stuff” 

“Oh”

“Would you like to come with me? Or do you want to stay here?”

“Oh. Um” Peter looked away, grabbing the kettle and pouring water into his mug. “Well. I’m quite tired”

“Ok. I’ll call Thor to come and keep an eye on you”

“I don’t need him to look after me” Peter said. “I’ll be fine on my own”

Tony wasn’t so sure, but he didn’t say. “Take your drink to bed with you, sweetheart. It’s starting to get late” 

-

Peter was up extra early on Sunday morning, even though he wasn’t meeting Ned till 10am, and the cafe was only five minutes away. He’d known Ned for years, but now that he was finally seeing him again, he felt absolutely terrified. What if Ned didn’t like him anymore? What if he thought him weird now? What if he’d changed too much? What if he couldn’t speak when he saw him? There were so many what-ifs to worry about. 

-

Peter was too nervous to eat. He was shaking, and Tony was concerned. He left his piles of paperwork and felt the boys forehead.

“Are you sure you’re up to going up? You’re very warm. I think you might have a fever”

“I-I-I’m just nervous…”

“You’re shaking. Really shaking. Are you sure you’re ok?”

“…I’m sorry-!”

He rushed from the room.

-

Tony sat Peter on his lap and helped him sip a glass of water.

“Poor little spider-boy” he said. “I think we need to get you back to bed”

“No! No, I’ve gotta go, I’ve gotta go and see Ned!”

“I really don’t think that’s a good idea. You’re hot, you’re shaking, you’ve been sick. You’re not well enough to go out”

“It’s just nerves! I’ve gotta go, I haven’t seen him for so long! Please let me go!”

Tony looked into his tearful eyes, and against his better judgement, he let him go.

-

Peter couldn’t stop shaking. He tried to focus on calming his breathing, his eyes darting around. Something caught his eye, and he looked up properly. Someone was looking at him - someone he knew. 

“NED!!”

Peter ran and threw his arms round Ned’s neck. Ned was taken aback, a little surprised and confused by his reaction. He hugged him back awkwardly.

“Aww, I missed you too” he said. “Uh, Peter, you’re kinda crushing me”

Peter moved back, and Ned finally got to look at him properly. He looked different. He seemed smaller, and he was definitely paler - but it was the clothes that were the most obvious difference. He was used to seeing him in normal jumpers, trousers, and trainers. That wasn’t what he was wearing today. He had on smart black jeans, a white t-shirt, and black blazer, with his duffel coat over the top, open so that his outfit was on show. It was a chilly day, so he had a thin black scarf round his neck. He was wearing matte black Doc Marten boots, and a silver watch adorned his wrist.

“Ned?” Peter said, unnerved by Ned’s staring.

“Sorry. It’s just, you look… different. Your clothes…”

Peter glanced down at himself. “Well, dad- uh, Mr Stark buys all my clothes now. I lost most of my old clothes in the accident, y’know, and it’s easier to let him choose really”

“Yeah… It’s- it’s good to see you’re being looked after. I’ve been worried about you”

Peter looked down at his hands. “I’m sorry… I’m sorry I’ve been so bad at keeping in touch. It’s been… Well, it’s been a tough few months”

Ned nodded, and glanced at the cafe. “Should we go in? We could get a coffee and talk”

“Good idea”

-

Ned felt like he was with a stranger. He’d always thought he’d known Peter inside and out, and that they’d always be friends - but now he wasn’t so sure. He knew Peter would change, he knew that he  _had_ changed - he just didn’t realise just how much. 

“Have you been ill? You look… small”

“Oh. Um, not exactly. I lost a lot of weight after the accident. I’m still trying to put it back on”

“How much did you loose?”

Peter shrugged one shoulder, looking uncomfortable. “About a stone. Maybe a bit more”

“But you’re putting it back on?”

“Yeah, I mean, that first school I got sent to was, well, uh, some real bad stuff happened, and that didn’t help. But this new school is going better, and I’ve got my appetite back, so…”

There was a silence. Peter could feel his heart thumping. 

“What happened?”

Peter swallowed hard. “I’ve, um, I’ve got… pictures. The doctor said he needed them for the records, so he used my phone and emailed them to himself. Mr-Mr Stark told me to delete them, but I never quite got round to it”

“Pictures of what? Peter, what happened?”

“It was just, y’know, bullying. There was this boy who was kinda in charge, and everyone got in on it. They enjoyed it. I didn’t bother telling anyone about it, but then he just, well, the school called and it all came out in the office” he said, unlocking his phone and scrolling through his camera roll. He stopped and handed the phone to Ned. “So they took me out, and then sent me to the school I’m at now. Sorry, I know these are horrible, but I’d rather not talk about everything they did to me. I’m still having nightmares, still trying to forget, yknow?”

Ned stared at him, and reluctantly took the phone. He clicked a picture to enlarge it, and was overcome with nausea. He took a deep breath as he flicked through the photos. He decided he didn’t  _want_  to know the full story. It looked like a case study from The Bill. 

“That isn’t bullying” he said, handing the phone back. “That’s violence”

“That’s what dad said” he said, frowning and putting the phone back in his pocket.

“Why did you let them do it? I mean, you’re-” he lowered his voice. “You’re  _Spiderman_ ”

“I think I was sent before I was ready. It started on my first day, and it just kinda, well, I was seriously messed up, because of what happened with the flat, and this just kinda completely wrecked my mental health. Plus, resistance made it worse” he shook his head, as though shaking away the memories. “Anyway, that’s in the past now. It’s history; it doesn’t matter anymore”

“But I’ve seen how strong you are…”

“I think… I think you need to be strong mentally to be strong physically. I mean, like, after the explosion, when I woke up, I couldn’t get all the stuff off me. I haven’t been strong, so I can’t  _be_ strong. Do you understand?”

“Not really” he looked down at his coffee. “You’ve changed”

Peter looked down at his own mug. “I know. I tried to stay the same, but everything changed anyway. I didn’t even really notice it happening. I’ve been having a tough time and I couldn’t really focus on my behaviour”

“I’m confused. Because you look like you, but you don’t  _look_  like you" 

Peter swallowed hard. His heart was thumping, and those silly tears were in his eyes again.

"Are you disappointed?" 

Ned was quiet for a moment. "I just feel like I don’t know you. You’re not the kid who sat with me in every lesson and got excited about lego kits…" 

"I still like lego” Peter said dumbly. 

“I don’t think that’s really the point" 

Peter didn’t know what to say. He’d thought that as soon as they got together, it would be as though they’d never been parted. They were best friends - so why was this so horrible and difficult? His fear that he’d changed too much and that Ned no longer liked him was starting to feel a bit too real. 

"How’s school?” he asked, changing the subject. 

“Same as always, really” Ned said. “Flash is quieter now, not so in-your-face. Quiz team is still going strong. It’s different without you, though" 

"But you’re doing ok?" 

"Yeah. What about you? What’s private school like?" 

"Weird” Peter said. “They’ve all grown up in a completely different world. I’m still getting used to it, yknow, the cultural differences, and trying to behave how they expect me to. But it’s ok" 

"You have to wear a uniform, don’t you?" 

"Yeah, but you get used to it pretty quick. It cost a fortune though. Mr Stark is kinda strict about it and I have to take it off as soon as I get home. I haven’t ruined it yet, but I suppose there’s time" 

"I’m glad I don’t have to wear a uniform” Ned said. “What are the other kids like?" 

"They’re ok, mostly. There’s one girl who hates me and this boy - he’s her cousin - he teases me a bit, mainly in PE. But everyone else is ok. My Big Sister is nice-" 

"Big sister?" 

"Oh. Uh, it’s kinda like a mentor scheme. Ish. She’s just the older girl who showed me around and looked after me in my first week, and I still see her twice a week. She looks out for me. Because I started in the middle of term" 

"Oh" 

Peter swallowed. "I’ve got friends there. I’ve got my girls: Millie and Macy and Flo. I was at Millie’s on Friday evening, actually. And then there’s Malaki. He’s not really friends with the girls so he’s mainly my friend in PE and stuff. He’s nice. They’re all nice" 

"The Peter I know wouldn’t have been able to so much as  _look_  at a girl, let alone befriend three of them" 

"Well, it’s a different world” Peter said awkwardly. “They kinda befriended  _me_. They came up to me and took me under their wing, as it were, and I’ve been with them ever since" 

"Are they posh?" 

"Yes. Millie’s house is ridiculous. Macy isn’t  _as_  posh, but she’s still  _quite_  posh. She’s feistier than the other two. I know you’re not supposed to have favourites, but I think she’s mine anyway" 

"So what do they look like?” Ned asked.

“Um, I’ve got some photos from the other night. Selfies, yknow. Flo kept nicking my phone" 

He took his phone out of his pocket and found a photo, passing it to Ned. It was one of the best ones, showing all four of them. Peter pointed out who was who. Ned was surprised to find that the girls were pretty, and even more surprised to see how comfortable the four of them seemed together. They definitely liked Peter. 

"They’re pretty” Ned said, handing the phone back. 

“Yeah… They’re good friends” he said, putting his phone away. 

“Is one of them your girlfriend?" 

Peter shook his head. "Millie’s kissed me, but it was in a game of truth or dare, so I don’t think it really counts" 

Ned took a mouthful of coffee, unsure what to think.

"You really have changed" 

He looked at him, at his pale skin and his expensive clothes and the look in his eyes. It was almost as though a different soul had taken over Peter’s body. Everything about him was different. Even the atmosphere around him was different. He didn’t really know him any more. He found that, try as he might, he couldn’t really care about anything Peter was telling him. Sure, the bullying stuff was horrible, but everything else evoked little to no emotion in him. He felt bad. This was his long-term best friend, and he’d been through some dreadful stuff and so of  _course_  he’d changed. They just needed a good topic to discuss and it’d be back to normal. 

"You could always come and meet them one day” Peter suggested. “They’re always talking about going into town. They’d like you”

“Yeah… So what’s home like?" 

"Hm? Oh. Different. It was weird suddenly being with the Stark’s full time. Especially since they were mourning too. Still are. It was horrible at first…” Peter frowned. “It’s ok now though. But Mr Loki is away. Travelling. For his health. He’s been gone for about two months now. It’s a bit weird without him" 

"Tony must be lonely. Is he busy? I’ve been following all the stuff about the new launch in the magazines. It looks so cool! Have you been helping with it?" 

"I don’t really go down to the lab much anymore" 

"Why not?" 

Peter shrugged. "I don’t really feel like it" 

"How can you not feel like it? That lab is amazing. You used to basically live in it" 

Peter didn’t say anything. He didn’t go down to the lab for the same reason he didn’t get his Spiderman suit on much, or speak at school:- he was too depressed. He didn’t have anything else to say on the matter. He couldn’t talk about the launch, because he didn’t know anything about it. He’d avoided all of Tony’s work ever since the accident. 

-

The silence seemed to last forever. Peter was trying very hard not to cry, and Ned was trying very hard to think of something - anything - to say to him. Eventually, his phone buzzed with a text. 

"It’s mum” he said, standing up. “I’ve gotta go. It was good to see you again" 

He left without a backwards glance. 

- 

Peter sat feeling numb, looking at Ned’s half-empty coffee mug. He hadn’t expected to spend all day with him, but he’d expected more than half an hour. He stood up, took the mugs over to the counter, and went home. 

- 

Tony was surprised to hear the door open. At first he thought it must be Thor, but disregarded that theory, as the doorbell had not been rung. He was a little concerned, as Peter hadn’t even been gone an hour yet. Maybe he was feeling sick again and had had to come home. He didn’t hear approaching footsteps or slamming doors. Worried, he set out to look for him. 

- 

Tony eventually found Peter at the back of the coat cupboard in the hallway, hidden behind a rack of old jackets. It was only his sniffling that gave away his position. Tony pushed the jackets aside and looked down at the boy. 

"Now, there’s no room for me to sit in here as well, so are you going to let me take you upstairs?" 

Peter nodded weakly and let Tony help him up and take him upstairs. They settled down on the sofa. 

"Now” Tony said. “What’s up? Are you poorly?" 

"Ned hates me!” Peter burst out, and he started sobbing. “He doesn’t want to be my friend anymore!" 

"What? Oh sweetheart” he pulled him onto his lap and hugged him close. “I’m sure that’s not true" 

"It is! I’ve changed too much and he says he doesn’t know me anymore and he kept giving me weird looks and going quiet and now I wish I hadn’t bothered! I hate it! I want May back! I want my old life back! I wish I’d never changed! It’s not fair, it’s not fair!" 

"It’s been so long since you’ve seen each other - it’s bound to be odd at first. You  _have_  changed, but there’s nothing we can do about that" 

Peter buried his face in Tony’s chest and howled. He’d just lost the very last part of his old life. He knew that good feeling he’d had had been too good to last. 

- 

Peter wanted to go straight back to bed, but Tony wouldn’t let him. 

"It’s barely midday” he said. “Why don’t you put on a DVD or something?" 

Peter shook his head. "I miss Loki" 

Tony sighed. "I know, kiddo. I do too" 

"He doesn’t like me anymore though. No one does" 

"Now that’s not true” Tony said, giving him a squeeze. “Loki loves you, and so do I. You’re like a son to us" 

"It’s my fault he left" 

"What? No it’s not! Don’t say that" 

"It’s true though. He hated me and he didn’t want to put up with me" 

"That’s not true” Tony said firmly. “Loki loves you. He went away because… Well, because he’s poorly. He just needed space" 

"It feels like he’s been gone forever”

“I know. But he’ll be back. He promised” 

Peter rested his chin on his knees.

“He  _will_ come back. Just you wait and see” Tony said, trying to convince himself as well as Peter.

Peter took Tony’s hand, looking at his engagement ring - Whitby Jet, very expensive, and very beautiful. Tony looked at it too.

“He promised”

“No one ever keeps their promises”

*


	25. How To Be A Disappointment

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There’s a first time for everything, and it can be a daunting and scary thing. A happening at school adds more confusion to Peter’s mixed up mind

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is AWFUL I'm so sorry.
> 
> Anyway, questions etc. welcome

-

The girls all noticed something wasn’t quite right with Peter on Monday. 

When the bell went for lunch, Macy took Peter’s hand.

“Come with me” 

Peter looked at Flo and Millie, and they smiled and nodded at him. Peter went with Macy. She took him out of the main school building and across the grounds.

“It’s ok” Macy said, seeing his face. “You’re allowed. I’ve got a single room too, so you don’t need to worry about bumping into anyone”

They went into Bay Laurel. The boarding mistress was on the phone in the front hall, and she smiled and waved at them. Macy took Peter up to her room. It was stylish, a little untidy, and very homely.

“It’s nice, right?” she said. “Sorry about the mess”

Peter shook his head. Macy sat down on the bed, and Peter sat down beside her.

“I’m sorry about what happened with your friend” she said, holding his hand.

Peter nodded.

“I know what it’s like. I don’t really have any friends where my parents live anymore. It can be hard”

Peter rested his head on her shoulder. 

“Oh Peter, don’t cry! It’s ok” Macy hugged him tight. “It’s ok”

-

Peter felt a bit better once he’d stopped crying. Macy moved back, looking him in the face. 

“Better?”

Peter nodded slightly. Macy smiled, resting her nose against his for a moment.

“Good” 

Peter turned his head away, looking round the room again. Macy had little framed pictures all over the walls. There were framed cards, photos, and paintings. It was good to see little bits of her life up on the wall, like a window to her memories. Millie’s room had been lovely, but Macy’s definitely seemed more lived in. It definitely wouldn’t be featuring in Good Homes any time soon, anyway.

Peter could feel himself being watched, and looked back at Macy. 

“It’s nice to be able to come back home in the middle of the day sometimes” she said. “Even just for a little while”

Peter nodded. He supposed it was. Her room didn’t look like part of a boarding house. It really was home to her. He wondered what her room at her parents house was like. 

“It’s good to have the quiet. And a bit of privacy” She put her arms round his shoulders. “Not many people come back over here during the lunch hour. So it’s always quieter”

Peter understood, but he was more concerned with the thumping in his chest than what she was saying. He felt all weird and nervous, and his stomach hurt. He felt like he was getting pins and needles. 

“You’re so different to all the other boys” Macy said. “Not just because you don’t speak. You’re just… Well, you’re not as brash and overconfident as a lot of the are. You’re not arrogant, and you’re nice to everyone. Even Wendy”

She wrinkled her nose, and Peter couldn’t help but smile. Wendy wasn’t a popular girl, and it was good to see that Macy thought as little of her as Peter did. 

“What happened with your friend… Well, it’s his loss. You’ve just got to look at it that way”

Her voice was soft, and she was warm. Peter looked into her eyes, and he felt shaky.

“You’re a good friend. Anyone would be lucky to have you”

She smiled, pulled him closer, and pressed her lips against his. 

For a second, Peter froze. He’d seen it coming, but it was still a bit of a shock. But then he kissed her back, and it felt  _nice_. She was so soft and warm, so gentle, but so confident too. He liked it.

Macy slid his blazer off his shoulders and pushed him down onto his back on the bed. Peter started to feel a bit funny, but he kept kissing her. She knew what she wanted. Her lips left his and she kissed along his jaw bone and down his neck. Peter squirmed slightly, but forced himself to stay still. He wasn’t sure what he was feeling. He couldn’t help remembering the way Loki would always melt and go all gooey and funny when Tony kissed his neck. Peter wasn’t really getting the same effect. Maybe Loki had a particularly sensitive neck. Or maybe Tony was just a very good kisser. He didn’t know.

Peter tried to figure out what he was feeling. It didn’t feel  _bad_ \- but it didn’t exactly feel good either. It was just some sort of weird middle ground. He had his arms round her loosely, holding his wrist, not wanting to seem uninterested. He wasn’t sure if he liked this. Macy seemed to like it though - at least, it sounded like she did. 

Macy grabbed his thigh, pulling his legs apart and getting between them. Peter started to feel  _very_ panicky. He stared up at the ceiling, telling himself he was being stupid. There was nothing to be scared about. Loads of people did this kind of thing. It was supposed to be nice. 

And then Macy was pulling off his tie, unbuttoning his shirt, kissing his shoulder. And Peter held onto his wrist tighter and told himself to stop being such a wimp. Every boy wanted this, didn’t they? So what was the point in getting all weird and scared about it? 

“I’ve never met anyone quite like you before” Macy said, stopping for a moment to look at him. 

Peter couldn’t concentrate on her words. He was more concerned with her right hand, which was stroking his side and stomach. She wasn’t being especially light or gentle now, but it still sent shivers up his spine. He looked up at her, trying to stay calm, feeling horribly small and scared. Was it supposed to feel like this? He didn’t know. She was looking into his eyes, but he could only focus on her hand, which had come to rest on his inner thigh. His heart was thumping so hard it felt in danger of bursting out of his chest. 

“I really like you, you know”

And then her hand was between his legs and he gasped and then the hand was on his shoulder.

“I’m sorry! Hey, I’m sorry” Macy said, stroking his hair. “I got carried away. Do you want to stop?”

Peter nodded, his pulse beating in his throat. He felt sick.

-

Macy helped him sit up and sort his uniform out. 

“I only meant to kiss you” she said, smoothing his tie over his chest. “I don’t really know where all the rest of that came from”

Peter looked at his satchel, and pulled out his whiteboard.

_Sorry I got all frigid on you_

“Oh Peter, don’t! Don’t be sorry. I shouldn’t have pushed you into it like that. Oh god, what would mother say if she ever knew?!” she hid her face in her hands. “She’d be so ashamed. I  _know_ we’re too young”

Peter put an arm round her shoulder and hugged her close. She was usually so sparky and confident, and the sudden change was a little scary. Luckily it only lasted a minute or two, and then she sat up straight, grinned at him, and kissed him on the nose.

“Shall we just keep it between these four walls and say no more about it?”

Peter nodded.

“Good” Macy grinned and kissed his nose again. “Hey, what time is it?”

Peter showed her his watch, and she nodded.

“Better get some lunch before we go back!” she stood up. “Come on; we’ve got loads of stuff in the kitchen here”

-

It was weird sitting eating jam on toast like nothing had happened. By the way Macy was acting, it was as though nothing  _had_. She was no different to her usual self. 

“Kiddies” the boarding mistress came into the kitchen. “You’ve got ten minutes until registration. I should hurry up and get back to school if I were you" 

"Yep yep, we’re finished now” Macy said, grabbing Peter’s hand and pulling him to his feet. “See you later!" 

- 

Tony noticed that something wasn’t quite right when Peter got into the car. 

 "Hey kid” he said. “Good day at school?" 

Peter hugged his satchel to his chest, rested his chin on it, and stayed quiet.

- 

"You’ve been staring at that worksheet for forty-five minutes” Tony said. “What’s up?”

“Nothing" 

"Now, don’t you lie to me, young man”

Peter sighed. “I’ve just got other stuff on my mind, yknow?" 

Tony nodded. "I know. Do you want something to eat? I know you didn’t have any lunch today" 

"What? Yes I did!" 

"Peter, don’t lie to me" 

"I’m not lying! How would you know, anyway?" 

"Because of your catering account" 

Peter stared at him blankly. 

"Oh, don’t you know? There’s a parenting account. So I can check your balance and how much money you’re spending, and what you’re spending it on. And you didn’t buy anything at lunch today" 

Peter blinked at him. "Oh, right. I didn’t know that” he shook his head. “I had lunch with Macy. We went over to the boarding house…" 

"Oh nice. Well. That’s a relief. What did you have?" 

"Does it matter?”

“Yes" 

"Jam on toast and biscuits and a smoothie" 

Tony nodded approvingly. "Good stuff. So, Macy lives in the dorms, does she?”

“Uh-uh, she’s got a private room. It’s nice. Like an actual home…" 

"Nice. So what did you get up to?" 

Peter could feel himself blushing, and ducked his head. "We just talked. Cause I was upset about Ned. And she just kinda wanted to take me somewhere quiet, yknow?" 

Tony peered at him. "You’ve gone all red. I know!" 

Peter lifted his head. 

"You were  _kissing_!" 

"What?! Dad!” Peter shouted indignantly. 

“OoooohhhHHH, you  _were_!” Tony laughed, and started chanting like a kid; “Peter’s got a girlfriend, Peter’s got a girlfriend!" 

"Shut up! She’s not my girlfriend!" 

"Peter and Macy sitting in a tree, k-i-s-s-” He didn’t have a chance to finish, because Peter pounced on him. 

“Shut up! It wasn’t even like that! You don’t know anything!" 

"Woah, woah, no need to  _attack_  me!” Tony laughed, wrenching Peter’s hands off him and holding him at arms length. “Peter?" 

Peter wiped his eyes on his sleeve. 

"Hey, I was just teasing! Don’t you go all teary-eyed on me now" 

"Leave me alone" 

"Peter? What’s up? Has something happened?" 

Peter looked at him. How would the man with the playboy reputation ever understand? 

"I gotta go and have a bath, see you in an hour!" 

He fled the room. Tony watched him go, and shook his head in disbelief. He was a funny kid.

- 

Peter couldn’t stop thinking about Macy. He put his head under the water so that it rushed in his ears, but it still wasn’t enough to drown out his thoughts. He fancied he could still feel her hands on him. And her lips. He found himself scrubbing at his neck until it felt raw, but he wasn’t sure why. It was the kind of thing people on the telly did after they’d been assaulted - and that wasn’t what had happened to  _him_. He was being stupid, he knew that. What kind of teenage boy was he if he couldn’t deal with a little kissing? Every teenage boy wanted this sort of stuff - at least, that’s what pop culture and playground gossip had taught him. A line from a film came to mind. ” _This was about dipping your wick…_ “. Well, he hadn’t even got that far. He wasn’t sure he wanted to. The thought of it was far too scary. 

He was a coward. A frigid, stupid coward. Had it really been so horrible? He’d liked the kissing. At least at first. He should have liked the rest of it. He hid his face in his hands. There was no _way_  he could tell Tony about this. He’d laugh at him and tell him to man up, he was sure of it. There’s no way an ex-playboy would understand his fear and frigidity. He wished he had someone he  _could_  tell about it though. Maybe he’d be able to make sense of it if he talked about it. Hopefully. But maybe not. There was just something wrong with him - there was no other explanation. 

-

“You’ll get wrinkles if you keep frowning like that” Tony said.

Peter nodded slightly, but stayed quiet. Tony sat on the other side of the windowsill.

“You’re going to have to talk to me, kiddo”

“You wouldn’t understand”

“Try me”

Peter shook his head. “I already know you wouldn’t understand”

Tony sighed. “You can’t bottle it up forever. Whatever ‘it’ is”

Peter kept his eyes on the street below. 

“Have you ever found that you don’t want what everyone else wants?”

“What do you mean?”

Peter rested his chin on his knees. “Like there’s things everyone says you should like and want, but you just… don’t”

“Peter. Peter, look at me, chick”

Peter made himself look.

“You can talk to me”

Peter stood up from the windowsill. “I’m going to bed”

-

School was just the same as always.  _Macy_ was just the same as always, so much so that he wasn’t sure Monday had actually even happened. But it had, and Peter couldn’t stop thinking about it. He couldn’t concentrate on conversations, and he couldn’t concentrate on lessons. He was still trying to figure out, firstly, exactly what was wrong with him, and secondly, exactly what he was feeling.

-

Tony sat Peter down on Wednesday evening.

“I had a phone call from the school today” he said. “They’re worried about you. Your teachers say you’ve been very down and distracted and haven’t been doing your work properly”

Peter looked down at his hands. “Am I in trouble?”

“No. But we really need to sort this out. You need to talk to me”

Peter jumped over the back of the sofa and out of the room before Tony had a chance to react.

-

Peter got all juddery and agitated, and tracked Tony down in the kitchen.

“I gotta tell you you something, but you gotta promise not to get angry”

“What have you done?”

“Nothing! Well, not  _nothing_. Well, actually, I didn’t really do much, so  _kinda_ nothing. But something. I don’t know. Is it bad? Am I in trouble? I think maybe I should be. Are you gonna hit me? Please don’t. Well, actually, I might deserve it, so it you think it’s-”

“Peter” Tony interrupted. “You’re babbling”

Peter slammed his head into Tony’s chest.

“Ow”

“Sorry” Peter mumbled, burying his face. “I think there’s something wrong with me”

“Are you going to tell me what’s been going on this week?”

Peter whined, pulling back and taking a seat at the breakfast bar. Tony sat beside him.

“I don’t know if I should be telling you”

“Well, just saying that makes me even more convinced that you  _should_ be telling me”

Peter squirmed. “It’s so bad though… Promise you won’t get cross?”

“I can’t promise when I don’t know what it is. But I promise I won’t shout at you, and I’ll let you finish speaking before I start. Ok?”

Peter nodded, looking down at his hands. His pulse was thudding in his ears.

“Well. Um. It’s about Monday. Kinda… You know when I found out about you and Loki and May, and I went to Thor’s? I kinda swore to myself I’d never do it”

Tony stayed quiet. He didn’t know what he meant, but he didn’t want to put him off by interrupting. 

“So, you know I went back to the house with Macy… and we did kiss. So you were right. And I kinda feel bad about it, cos I don’t know if I like her that way. But it’s not just that…”

He swallowed hard, closing his eyes for a moment. 

“She’s stronger than she looks, you know” he said. “I think she really likes me. I don’t know though. Is it- is it normal for people to like, yknow… make noises when they kiss?”

“Well. It’s not  _ab_ normal” Tony said. “But, well, mouths are wet, so…”

“I didn’t mean like that. I mean, she was kinda like… moaning…”

He hit his face in his hands. This was so embarrassing. 

“She does like me” he mumbled. “She started taking my clothes off”

“Peter?” Tony said. 

Peter kept his face hidden.

“Peter” Tony repeated. “Are you trying to tell me that you lost your virginity?”

Peter was so shocked that he sat bolt upright.

“What?! No!! No, it’s not- I didn’t!! I didn’t, that’s the thing! I  _couldn’t_! I think she wanted to, yknow, cos she was like taking my shirt off and kissing me all over and she was touching me and she was so confident and she knew what she was doing but I didn’t and I just got scared and scared and scared and I felt sick and my heart was, like, thudding, and it hurt, and every other boy my age would jump at the chance but I just got scared and I didn’t want it and there’s gotta be something wrong with me cos I don’t want it, I don’t want to do it, I don’t want to  _do it_!”

It all came out in a rush, and he burst into tears. Tony watched him in shock for a moment, and then slowly stood up and hugged him tight. 

“Alright, alright, come on kiddo, calm down”

Peter just cried harder and tried to pull away.

“I knew you wouldn’t understand!” he sobbed.

Tony held him tighter and wouldn’t let him escape. “I do understand. That kinda stuff can be pretty scary, especially at first. No one’s going to make you do anything you don’t want to do”

“But everyone else wants it, so why don’t  _I_ want it?? Why did I get so scared?! I’m such a idiot!”

Tony sucked his breath. “God, I wish Loki were here. He’d be so much better at this…”

He said it quietly, but Peter still heard.

“Wh-what do you mean?”

“Well… You’re right, I understand you, but I don’t relate, not really. I’ve been nervous because of it before, but never scared - and certainly never so scared I didn’t want it. But Loki… Well, he still gets scared in the bedroom even now”

Peter pulled away from him. “Do you think I’m being stupid?”

“No. Look, kid, you’re far too young for sex, and even if you weren’t, that doesn’t mean you’d be obligated to do it. You’re obviously not ready. You might never be ready. So what? Sex isn’t the be all and end all. If even the thought of it is scaring you this much, maybe that’s a sign you need to keep clear of that kind of thing. And all those kids your age who say they’ve done it? A good 95% of them are lying ”

Peter didn’t feel reassured. “You do think I’m being stupid”

“No I don’t!” he rubbed his temples. Loki’s frigidity had given him experience in this department - but in a very different way. He could deal with it sincerely with Loki. But having a sex ed talk with Peter on this subject? Well, he wasn’t so sure what to say. “It’s ok not to want sex. Not everybody does. And that’s no one’s business but your own”

Peter knuckled his eyes. “Guess I’m gonna be single forever then. Can’t have a relationship without sex”

“What? Where did you here that bollocks?” Tony rolled his eyes. “Love and sex aren’t mutually exclusive. You don’t need love to have sex. And you don’t need sex to have love. Do you understand what I’m saying?”

Peter shrugged. “So what do I do?”

“Do exactly what you did” Tony said. “You obviously said no at some point during that encounter. That’s really brave. Not everyone is brave enough to say no, especially when the other person wants it. But you said no. You put a stop to it. You’re allowed to put yourself first. I’m proud of you”

Peter looked at him. “Proud?”

“Sure. Sitting back and thinking of England is never the right decision. Telling people you’re unsure, or telling them you don’t want it, well, it’s essential. Scary, but essential. The alternative is worse than a bit of embarrassment”

Peter sighed and held his arms out. Tony hugged him, kissing the top of his head.

“I’m sorry you had a scary time. And I’m sorry if I haven’t reacted properly, but thank you for telling me. Do you - do you feel any better?”

“Kind of? I thought you’d laugh and tell me to man up…”

Tony was shocked. “You really thought that?”

“I was scared… I was an idiot” 

“Don’t put yourself down like that. But do yourself a favour, kiddo, and say no much earlier if anything like this ever happens again. You’re far too young, and I don’t want you to get hurt. You’ve gotta look after yourself”

Peter nodded. “Hey, dad?”

“Yeah?”

“Can we draw a line under this conversation and pretend it never happened?”

Tony laughed slightly. “Sure thing, kiddo”

“Thanks. You’re the best”

“I know”

*


	26. Now It's Time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Not all promises are made to be broken

-

Peter had an early night and felt better in the morning. He was happier going to school, and found he was able to converse properly and concentrate on lessons again. He managed to push Monday’s events out of his mind and get back to normal. It was a relief.

-

The weekend suddenly sounded like a wonderful thing. Peter was up to date on all his work (aside from his ‘My Family’ autobiography, which he still hadn’t started) so he was looking forward to doing nothing for two days. 

Friday seemed to drag, but it was ok, because he had proper friends to hang out with, and they made even the dullest lessons quite enjoyable. Still, it was a huge relief when the bell went at the end of the day. 

“What are you grinning about?” Macy asked.

_I’m just excited for the weekend_

“Me too” Millie said. “My brother is coming to visit. I’ve got loads of homework though”

“Same. I keep getting distracted” Flo said. She looked at Peter. “You never miss a deadline. What’s your secret?”

_Dad makes me do it as soon as I get home and doesn’t let me get up until it’s all finished._

“I’m surprised  _my_ father doesn’t do the same” Millie said. “Still, I’m glad he doesn’t!”

Peter smiled. It was warm now they were outside, walking towards the car park. Macy didn’t have to go, of course, but she liked saying goodbye to everyone there before she went back to Bay Laurel. 

-

Peter spotted the front of Tony’s car, and as they got closer, he saw that Tony was actually stood outside, leaning against the car. There was someone with him. Someone thin and smart with black hair combed back over his forehead. 

“LOKI!!!”

Peter unlinked his arms from the girls and ran full pelt towards the car and into Loki’s arms.

“LOKI!! YOU’RE BACK! YOU’RE  _BACK_!” he clung to him, arms round his neck, feet just barely touching the ground, and he started sobbing.

Loki held him as tight as he could. “Hey, I’m not that bad, am I?”

Peter laughed tearfully, burying his face in his shoulder. “Loki!!”

The girls approached cautiously, intrigued and shocked. They’d never heard Peter’s voice before, and they wanted to know exactly what had caused him to speak. Tony spotted them.

“Hey, girls”

Loki looked up, still holding tight to Peter. He looked at the girls, and then down at Peter.

“Are these friends of yours?”

Peter nodded, and buried his face back in his chest. Tony patted the boys shoulder.

“Come on, sweetheart, say goodbye to your friends” he said.

Peter had his feet back on the ground. He kept tight hold round Loki’s waist, but he turned to smile at the girls for a second before burying his face again, still crying happily. 

“Our Loki’s been away for a while” Tony told the girls. “Peter’s missed him”

He was smiling at Loki. It looked as though he’d been crying, but the girls didn’t like the make assumptions.

“My sister has a magazine photo of you two in her bedroom” Flo said to Loki. “She’s got one of your brother too”

“I’m flattered” Loki smiled, trying to detach Peter. “Come on, chick, say goodbye to your friends”

“Go on, Peter” Tony said. “We need to be getting home”

Peter took a very deep breath and let go of Loki. He looked at him for a moment, as though checking he was real, and then turned to the girls. He hugged Macy first.

“It’s weird hearing you speak!” she said.

Peter gave her a squeeze, and then hugged Millie and Flo. He didn’t linger: he wanted to be back in Loki’s arms. 

“Right, lets go” Tony said, giving Loki and Peter a quick hug. “See you later, girls”

He opened the passenger door for Loki.

“Actually, I think I’ll sit in the back with Peter” Loki said gently.

“Oh. Yeah, sure thing, darling” Tony smiled.

Peter snuggled up against Loki in the back of the car on the journey home. He’d forgotten how good Loki’s hugs were. He breathed in that soft, minty, smokey smell. It was so unbelievably comforting. He smelt like home.

-

Peter wasn’t happy when he was sent off to get changed out of his uniform, but he didn’t want to kick up a fuss, not when Loki had only just gotten back. He changed as quickly as he could and went to the kitchen. He looked at the way Tony was smiling at Loki; like he was the most amazing person in the universe. He’d been crying; Peter could tell. He was still close to tears now, getting them all a drink with shaking hands.

“Let me do that” Loki said softly, taking hold of the kettle.

“No, I’ve got it. Why don’t you - why don’t you make yourself comfortable? I think Peter needs a cuddle”

Loki left Tony to it. He took Peter to his bedroom. He flopped on the bed, closing his eyes for a moment. It felt like he’d been away forever. Peter climbed onto the bed cautiously. Loki opened his eyes and pulled him close.

“You look like a different person in that little uniform”

“I’ve missed you”

“I’ve missed you too”

“You stopped writing. You barely wrote anything even when you sent the postcards”

Loki sighed. “I know. I’m sorry”

“Where have you been?”

Just then Tony came into the room, and Loki and Peter sat up to accept the mugs he offered them. Tony sat down, sipping his own drink quietly.

“When did you get back?” Peter asked.

“Just after midday”

“Have you been on Earth all the time you’ve been away?”

Loki paused. “No. I left for a little bit. But I’ve mostly been on Earth”

“What have you been doing?”

“Don’t pester him, Peter” Tony said. 

Peter looked so visibly trampled that Loki gave him a hug. 

-

They sat drinking quietly until their mugs were empty. Peter had to take a trip to the bathroom, and when he got back to Loki’s room, Loki and Tony were in each others arms. They had their faces buried in each others shoulders, and Peter thought they might be crying, but he couldn’t quite tell. He wanted to go and join them, but something told him to give them space, so he went to his own room. A nap would probably do him good.

-

Peter woke up, feeling someone shaking him gently by the shoulder. He opened his eyes slowly, and lit up when he saw who it was.

“Loki!”

“Hey, you. Tony wants to order a takeaway. What do you fancy?”

Peter sat up, rubbing his eyes. “I think you should choose” 

“That’s what Tony said. I thought I’d ask you anyway. Here” he lifted him into his arms and carried him out to the living room. 

Tony smiled at them. “Aww. Right, shall we choose something to eat?”

“I hate to be a pain” Loki said, sitting down with Peter on his lap. “But I don’t really have much of an appetite. I fear a takeaway may be wasted”

“Oh. Oh, are you, are you feeling ill?”

“I’m fine, darling” Loki said. “Just not hungry. By all means, order for yourself and the boy, but I shan’t have anything”

“I- uh…” Tony swallowed hard. “I don’t think I’m hungry either… Peter?”

Peter shook his head. “I jus’ wanna cuddle. And talk”

Loki nodded. “I thought you might. I suppose there’s a lot to talk about”

“Nine weeks is a long time” Tony said, sitting down beside him. He hesitated, and then put an arm round his shoulders. “My launch goes live next week. Peter’s started school - as you know. So there’s a routine there”

“Oh yes?”

“We’ll go through it later. I want to hear about you” Tony said. “I want to hear about what you’ve been doing”

“Ah. Well, that’s a long story”

“We’ve got all night”

Loki frowned. He wasn’t so sure he wanted to go through everything.

“You went to some of our holiday places” Tony said.

“Yes”

“Where else did you go?”

“Oh. Here and there”

“Was it just travelling?”

“Well” Loki said. “Yes and no. I stopped in some places longer than others”

“Doing what?”

“Tony, please. I’m not in the mood for a game of twenty questions” he saw Tony’s face, and sighed, resting their foreheads together. “I’m sorry. I’m just tired. And I feel weird. It’s strange being back after so long”

“I’m sorry, darling. I’ve just been so worried about you. I’ve been going out of my mind” he hugged him properly, squashing Peter a bit in the process. “I’m just so glad you’re ok-!”

“Tony? Oh Tony, don’t cry, not again! We’ve had more than enough tears for one day” Loki said, but his own eyes were watering, and his voice wavered. 

“I’m not crying” Tony said. 

Loki looked at him, and down at the boy trapped between them - and then he started crying, covering his face.

“Loki!? Hey, what’s the matter?”

Loki shook his head. He pulled away from Tony and hugged Peter against his chest.

“I owe you an apology” he said. “I was so unfair to you before. I was so harsh and I didn’t even  _try_ to understand you. I never even apologised for hitting you when you’d been bunking off”

“I shouldn’t’ve bunked off”

“No, but you had good reason to do so” he held him at arms length. “You’re not being bullied at St Hendrick’s, are you?”

Peter shook his head. “I’ve got good friends. I’m doing ok. I see a therapist now”

“Yes, Tony said. Is it helping?”

Peter nodded.

“Good. Oh sweetheart, look, I was so unreasonable. I wasn’t very well, but that’s no excuse for the way I treated you. Some of the things I said… I didn’t mean any of it, you know”

“I know” Peter said. “Thank you though”

“What for?”

“For apologising” he wriggled off Loki’s lap. “I’ll be back in a minute”

-

Peter returned with Loki’s music player, which he hooked up to the speakers.

“It’s been quiet here without you” he said, scrolling through the menu. “I’ve missed your music. And the radio”

Loki looked at him, and then at Tony. “Why haven’t you been listening to the stereo?”

“It all reminded me of you too much”

Loki didn’t have time to say anything before the music started playing. 

‘ _Darkhaired dangerous schoolkids  
Vicious, suspicious sixteen  
Jet-black blazers at the bus stop  
Sullen, unhealthy and mean  
Teenage guerillas on the tarmac  
_ _Fighting in the middle of the road_ ’

Tony and Loki looked at each other, and then laughed.

“Look out, listen can you hear it? Panic in the County Hall. Look out, listen can you hear it, Whitehall up against a wall" Tony sang.

Loki laughed. He pulled him close and kissed him hard. Peter watched them, and he grinned as they kissed. They were still in love. They still liked each other. They were still connected. They were still ok.

-

After so long, they finally had another one of those lovely nights with music playing, where Tony and Loki sat curled up together on the sofa, while Peter sat on the floor. He found one of Loki’s old colouring books and a pack of pencils, and settled down for a long time with that. They shared chocolate and far too many biscuits, and it was nice.

“It’s getting late, kiddo” Tony said eventually. “You need to think about going to bed”

“What? Aww, do I have to?” 

“Yes”

“That reminds me” Loki said, and produced a box out of nowhere. “This is for you”

Peter put his colouring book and pencils down and knelt up, taking the box and looking at it. 

“A night light?” he said uncertainly.

“When I first moved in, and Tony realised how bad my nightmares were, the first thing he did was buy me a night light” Loki explained. “I didn’t know what kind would be best, so I got one that’s got a static mode and a colour changing mode. I always preferred the static. Colour changing always made me nervous, especially when it went red. Maybe it’ll be different for you”

“Oh. Um, thank you, Mr Loki”

“Hopefully it will help you relax”

“Running water is supposed to be relaxing” Tony said. “Maybe we could get one of those little indoor water features”

“What, and turn him into a bed-wetter as well?”

“That’s not proven” Tony said, but he smiled. “Right, off to bed, kiddo. Get into your pj’s and we’ll come and check on you in a minute”

Peter didn’t want to make a fuss, so he did as he was told.

-

Tony and Loki were true to their word. Peter played up to Loki’s attention for all he was worth, kidding around and clinging onto him and chatting excitedly. Loki laughed and treated him like the little kid he was acting as, making a big fuss of him, pinching his cheeks and kissing his nose.

Tony stood by, watching fondly, so happy that he had tears in his eyes once more. 

“Ok kiddo, time to settle down” Tony said after a while.

He helped Loki put the boy to bed, tucking him in while Loki set up and plugged in the new night light. He set it on the bedside table and switched on it’s static mode. 

“It’s blue” Peter said.

“Yes” Loki said. “Is that ok?”

“It’s nice”

Loki nodded, finding Peter’s old Peter Rabbit toy and tucking it in beside him. 

“You know where we are if you need anything”

“I love you”

Loki smiled and kissed him. “I love you too”

Tony ruffled his hair and kissed his nose. “Get some rest”

“I’m too excited to sleep”

“Well, give it a go” Tony said, helping Loki to his feet. “Goodnight, chick”

“Goodnight”

-

Tony and Loki lay together on Loki’s bed, doing much more kissing than talking for a considerable length of time. 

“You still haven’t said what you’ve been doing all this time”

“I’ll tell you tomorrow. I’d rather tell you at the same time as Peter, so I only have to do it once”

Tony nodded as though he understood. “Ok, chick… I’m so glad you’re ok, you know”

“I know”

“You… You  _are_ ok, aren’t you?”

Loki smiled. “Yes, I’m ok. I’m more than ok”

“I’ve missed you so much-”

“Don’t you dare cry on me again! You’ll set me off”

“Good” Tony said, but he knuckled his eyes to dry the tears anyway. “I love you”

“I love you too”

Tony took Loki’s hand, looking at his rings. Loki squeezed his hand back.

“I promised I’d come back”

“I know. But it’s still so good to see you again. I did start to doubt you, if I’m honest”

“I’m sorry. Look, I love you, but I really couldn’t stay”

“And I understand that” Tony said. “But why didn’t you stay in touch?”

“I sent postcards” Loki pointed out.

“For a bit, and you never wrote more than three words, not including your name and mine. Loki, what  _were_ you doing all this time?”

Loki stopped. He opened his mouth to speak - and the door burst open.

“Peter!” Tony frowned. “You’re supposed to be asleep”

“I know, and I get that, but I’ve got a much better idea!” he jumped on the bed. “Can I go out? Can I? Can I? Can I? I’ll only be gone a little bit, maybe like, three hours. So can I go?”

“Woah woah woah, three  _hours_? Peter, don’t be silly” Tony said. “If you were going out - and I’m not saying yes - there’s no way you’re going out that long when it’s already so late”

“Aww, but _dad_! Ok, two and a half hours then”

“What? No!” Tony laughed at him. “You going out in your suit? You can go for  _one_ hour”

“Two!” 

“No, one”

“An hour and forty five?” Peter suggested, still bouncing excitedly. 

“An hour and fifteen”

“Hour and a half?” Peter bargained. 

“Done!” Tony smiled at him. “Stop bouncing. Go on then, get out there”

“Really? You sure? It’s ok?”

“Yeah yeah, just be good. Stay safe. An hour and a half, and no more, ok?”

“Ok!” Peter hugged both men hard. “Right, I’ve gotta get my suit on. See you later!”

He jumped up and ran out of the room. Loki laughed, and Tony did too. Loki shook his head.

“He’s a funny kid. Has he been back out on the superhero scene recently then?”

“Well. Not  _really_ ” Tony said. “But it’s good to see that he’s getting the motivation back. I haven’t seen him so excited for months”

-

Tony and Loki dropped off for a while. They woke up when Peter bounded into their room, pulling his mask off and grinning all over his face.

“That was incredible! There was so much going on tonight! You should’ve seen it! So, there was this guy-”

Tony and Loki sat up, listening to Peter as he told them all about it, laughing as he acted bits out for them and bounced excitedly on the balls of his feet. He looked so bubbly and excited and happy - very nearly like his old self. He was still shaking with the adrenaline, and he couldn’t stop smiling.

“Sweetheart” Tony said eventually, forcing the boy to stop and catch his breath. “It’s late. You might wanna get out of your suit”

“Oh yeah, of course, I’ll just-”

He tapped the front of his suit and let it fall.

“I didn’t really mean in here” Tony mumbled, raising an eyebrow.

Peter kicked off the suit and flopped down on his front on the bed between the two of them. 

“I’m so tired” he said, turning his head to look at Loki. “Tonight was mad”

“In a good way?” Loki asked.

Peter nodded slightly. “In a good way… I’d forgotten how good being Spiderman could feel. I need to do this more often”

Loki smiled and stroked his hair gently. “Do you want to go and get into bed?”

“I’m comfortable here. Can’t I stay?”

“Alright, since it’s you” Loki said. “Still, it’s late. I’m ready to sleep. Tony?”

“Yeah, I’m knackered” he gave Peter a tap. “Come on kiddo, you can’t stay on top of the quilt”

Peter nodded, and let himself be moved under the covers. 

“Can I go out again tomorrow night?”

“We’ll see. Go to sleep, kiddo” Tony said.

Tony cuddled up close to Loki with Peter between them. 

“You’re squishing me” Peter said, but he snuggled down happily. “I really missed you, Loki”

“I missed you too”

They settled down together, warm and comfortable, happy, finally back together again. The way it should be. 

*


	27. Here For Life

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's time to attempt to settle back in

-

Peter had forgotten what it felt like to wake up under the warm weight of Loki’s arm. He woke earlier than the other two, and lay contentedly, looking at the pictures on the wall and the whirls of the artex on the ceiling. 

Loki was the next to wake up. For a moment he seemed confused, but then he realised where he was, and he gave Peter a quick squeeze. 

“Good morning, chick” he said quietly. 

Peter cuddled closer to him. “We need to talk. Shall we wake up Mr Stark?" 

"I’m already awake” Tony mumbled, making both of them jump. “Breakfast first. Talk later" 

- 

"I want the whole truth, Loki” Tony said. “I need to know everything" 

"I swear by almighty God, that the evidence I shall give will be the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the tr-" 

"Shut up, Peter” Tony interrupted.

“Loki laughed!” Peter protested. 

Loki shook his head fondly. “You won’t be happy with some of the truth" 

"That doesn’t matter” Tony said. “Just tell me”

“… Well. At first I just went to the pub. And then I went to another pub. And another. And another. Quite a few pubs. And I kept going. I spent about a week just getting very, very drunk. But then I was lying on the bed one afternoon feeling utterly unreal, and I realised I was doing more harm than good. So I got on a plane" 

"You went to our honeymoon destinations” Tony said, looking over at the postcards on the fridge. 

Loki looked too, but looked away quickly. “Yes. At first" 

"You went to a lot of places. But then you stopped writing" 

"You sent me flying saucers” Peter said. 

“Yes. Well, I know you like them” Loki said. “Look, I barely wrote as it was. You know that. After a while it just felt pointless. Even those little lines seemed like such an effort. I thought it would be easier if you weren’t constantly reminded of me" 

"I was always thinking of you anyway” Tony said. “In fact, not hearing from you, I just thought about you  _more_. Because then I was even more worried. I thought something had happened to you" 

"I was fine. Mostly. I never meant for you to worry”

“Didn’t you worry about me?" 

"Yes, but that’s different" 

"How?" 

"It just is" 

There was silence. Peter stayed still, glancing at them uncomfortably. 

"You’re not speaking” Tony said eventually.

“Neither are you” Loki replied. 

“Was it all travelling?" 

"Not exactly. See, it was at first, but then, well, I suppose I decided I needed to keep myself busy. So I did some volunteering" 

"What kind of volunteering?” Peter asked.

“The kind I do at the hospital. Just a little more hands-on and gritty" 

"I was wondering why the hospital hadn’t been in touch” Tony frowned. “Did they help you set it up?" 

"Yes” Loki nodded. “They’ve been really good. I don’t know if I could have done it without them" 

"I see" 

There was another silence. 

"Did the placement end? Is that why you came back?" 

"No. It wasn’t all fun and games, you know. But it was good. For me. It helped put everything into perspective… Look, I’ll be honest, I enjoyed it. Mostly. I made friends. I experienced some weird and wonderful things and I learnt a lot and I’ve left with fond memories, but - well, it also made me see how much worse things can be. I was there for a while. But, well, about a week ago…”

Tony didn’t say anything. He was looking hard at Loki. Peter was unnerved by his look. He swallowed and took Loki’s hand. Loki paused, and then gave it a squeeze, and took a deep breath.

“I was lying in bed about a week ago, and my mind was racing. I was thinking about everything I’d done and everything I’d seen and everything I’d left behind. And I realised it was time for me to go. So the next day I told the people I was working with, and they were all really good about it. So I left on Tuesday. I got back to New York on Thursday”

“You didn’t come home on Thursday though” Peter said. 

“No. I stayed with my brother on Thursday night, talked about everything with him. It didn’t feel right to come back to the house just then. But it felt right on Friday. So I came back”

Tony stood up.

“Tony?”

Tony glared at him and stormed out of the room. Peter stood up, but Loki grabbed his arm to stop him.

“Leave him. He’ll only snap at you”

“No, he won’t. It’s not me he’s upset with. He’ll talk to me”

Loki wasn’t convinced, but he released the boy anyway.

-

Tony sighed heavily. Peter sat down beside him on the bed.

“Are you cross with him?”

“Yes. No. I don’t know. I’m just… Why won’t he talk to me properly? Here he is, saying he talked about it with his brother, but he won’t talk to  _me_. I mean, sure, I know they’re friends, but I’m his  _husband_. What’s the matter with him? Is it me?”

“I-uh, I don’t know…”

Tony saw his face, and sighed. “Sorry, kiddo. This isn’t your problem. I’m just all mixed up”

“So am I… But he’s back. Surely that’s the most important thing?”

“I suppose you’re right” Tony flopped down on his back. “Yeah, he’s here, and he’s ok. Nothing else matters. But it’s still going to take some time to adjust. You know, to get back into the swing of things…”

Peter swallowed. “For what it’s worth, I think you’ll be fine”

“Sweetheart. Look, I know you mean well” Tony said. “And I don’t want to upset you, so don’t take this the wrong way. But please, just leave me alone”

-

Peter saw the look on Loki’s face.

“He  _didn’t_ snap at me: he was all nice and calm about it. So there” he said, sticking his chin in the air.

“Ok, ok”

“He’s all upset and cross, you know”

“I know”

Peter sat down beside him. “It’ll be ok”

Loki nodded slightly. “I’m not surprised he’s upset. I didn’t come back hoping to act like nothing has happened. I know it was pretty rubbish of me, going off and leaving him to deal with everything on his own. Although… well, it looks like he’s been doing a good job. You’re the happiest I’ve seen you since the accident”

“He wanted you here though. And he needed you. Lots”

“I was no use to anyone the way I was”

“But you said you’d been volunteering. So you were good to them”

“Well. That’s different”

“How?”

“It just is”

“Mr Loki? Can’t you tell me what you’ve been doing?”

“I told you” Loki said. “Volunteering. Like I do at the hospital. With children”

“You look after babies at the hospital”

“Well yes, mostly, but not exclusively. I’ve been mainly working with older children while I’ve been away. The youngest were about three… It did help put everything into perspective. I mean, well… Look, I know things aren’t great for you right now. You’ve had a dreadful year. But… Look, I know it doesn’t make it any easier, but things could be so much worse. So many people have it worse, and I’m so glad you’re not one of them”

“You’ve had a rubbish year too”

“That’s not really the point. This is about you”

“Not at the moment, it’s not” Peter said. “I want to know where it was. This volunteering”

“Ah. Well, I did a few placements. I was in Africa for a little while, maybe about a week. And then I worked in the Peak District, you know, in England? Tony and I showed you the honeymoon photos from there?”

Peter nodded.

“I was in Scotland for the longest, though. I think, if I didn’t have any ties - say, if you and Tony weren’t in my life - I would have been happy staying there. It was hard, of course. All of it was hard, and I got to hear and see some pretty dreadful things. But I did enjoy it. I really did. Those kids… well, I really am going to miss them. I already do. And the people I worked alongside. It was really good for me. I’m grateful to the hospital for helping set it up for me”

“You still want a baby, don’t you?”

Loki paused. “Do you mind if we go to my room? I could do with a lie down”

-

Peter looked at the leaflet Loki had given him. He looked at the notes and numbers and dates written on it in biro.

“Before you left… when you were really angry with me, you said it was my fault you weren’t having a baby”

“I shouldn’t’ve said that”

“No… At the time I thought you were just upset” he set the IVF clinic leaflet down on the bed. “But now I know there was some truth in it”

“Oh Peter, don’t. There’s no blame to lay on you. There was nothing set in stone”

“There’s appointment dates written there. And phone numbers”

“Well. We’d had an initial consultation. We were going to get tested. We had a surrogate offer. Like I said, it was just an idea”

“But then you got stuck with me. So you couldn’t”

“That’s not it” Loki said. “It’s really not. Although the accident did put a different perspective on the situation. I didn’t show you this to upset you”

“I know. I’m  _not_ upset, really. But… did you have to sit down and decide not to go ahead?”

“Not really. Tony started the stuff for this launch of his a few weeks before the accident, so we weren’t really talking about it anyway. And then after the accident, it just faded from our minds completely. I don’t think there’s any good to be had in bringing it up again”

Peter looked at Loki. He’d gotten used to the way Loki usually looked when the subject of having a baby was brought up: sad and a little bit scared, with downcast, teary eyes. He didn’t look like that now. He looked sad, but he didn’t look like he was going to cry. Peter wasn’t sure how to react to that. He knelt up and put his arms round Loki’s neck. 

“I’m sorry”

Loki hugged him back. “There’s nothing to be sorry for” 

Peter moved to sit on his lap, cuddled against his chest. “You’d be a great dad, you know”

Loki held him tighter. 

“You should talk to d-, to Mr Stark again. If he’d started wanting one too. You should try…”

“As much as I’d like another one” Loki said. “I don’t need a baby”

Peter glanced up at him. “What do you mean?”

“Well” Loki said. “I’ve got you, haven’t I?”

Peter looked at him - and then a smile spread over his face. He giggled, and Loki kissed him on the cheek.

“I take back what I said before” Peter said. “You  _are_ a great dad”

“You’re a sweet kid - but you’re a terrible liar” Loki said, but he smiled. “You know, actually, I was thinking about you last week. I was reading with some of the little girls, and there was one book they were reading that I thought you might like. They all loved it, but then, to them, it was a representation of real life, which was good for them. I mean, it’s a completely different situation, but I still think you may relate to it”

“What book is it?”

“It’s in my suitcase. Purple cover”

Peter obediently got up and went to find it. He had a look at the cover as he gave it to Loki.

“Tracy Beaker!”

“Oh, you know this one?” Loki said, pulling the boy onto his lap.

“Kinda. I mean, I recognise the character, but I’ve never read the books”

“Ah. Well, in that case, maybe we should read the first one first. It’s better in context. I’ve got the first one on that book shelf over there, if you’d like to fetch it”

Peter did so, and settled back against Loki’s chest. It felt like years since Loki had last read to him.

“Right” Loki said, opening the book. “Ready?”

Peter nodded. 

“My name is Tracy Beaker. I am ten years, two months old”

-

They settled down reading for a long while. Peter quickly got lost in the story, comfortable in Loki’s arms. He felt so relieved, so happy to have him back, that he was a little emotional. He felt good.

“…I was a bit disappointed at first. I thought it was from my mum. I know she’s never written to me before but still, when Jenny handed it to me at breakfast I just clutched at the envelope and held it tight and shut my eyes quickly because they got suddenly hot and prickly and if I was the snivelly sort of person I might well have cried-”

Just then, the bedroom door opened. Loki and Peter stopped, their eyes darting upwards. Tony didn’t look cross or annoyed like they feared - he just looked tired. He smiled at them.

“I’ve missed seeing you two like this”

Loki smiled back nervously, and Tony came and sat beside them on the bed. He put an arm round Loki and rested his head on his shoulder.

“Sorry about earlier”

“It’s ok” Loki said. “I’m sorry too”

Tony closed his eyes. “You’re home. That’s all that matters. You’re back. For now, at least”

“I’m not going anywhere” Loki said. “I’m staying here with my husband and my little boy”

Tony shifted slightly to include Peter in the hug. “Our little boy”

Peter found he was crying. He wasn’t sure what he was feeling.

“You’ve made him cry” Tony said, his voice cracking.

“I didn’t mean to!” Loki said - and then settled when he realised it wasn’t bad tears. “I really am sorry, you know. I just had to be selfish”

“We all need to be selfish sometimes” 

Peter wiggled round so he was chest-to-chest with Loki. “You kept your promise”

“I’ve never had anything like this before. I never thought I  _would_ get anything like this. I couldn’t just throw it all away, no matter how badly my health wanted me to believe I could. Don’t look so worried: I’m alright now. Things are good”

“Don’t you worry, I’m alright, Jack, we’ve never had it so good~” Tony sang.

Loki burst out laughing. “Idiot”

“Blame the kid. He was the one who got it in my head”

“I’ve got Grey Cortina in  _my_ head” Peter said. “I have got something I want to say, though. But you’ve gotta promise not to laugh”

“We promise”

Peter moved his head to the side so he didn’t have to look at them.

“You remember that first summer I spent here? And you took me on holiday? And people kept mistaking us for family? I don’t think they were mistaken. Not really. We’re family, aren’t we? May used to say we were. She saw you as family, too”

“We were basically co-parenting you” Tony said. “I mean, we had a custody agreement! You’ve been like a son to me for years” 

“I was so embarrassed the first time I called you dad”

“It was cute” Tony said, remembering. “It  _is_ cute. Being a father isn’t something I ever really expected to be. I didn’t exactly have the best example of one myself”

“Neither did I” Loki said. “But that doesn’t mean we’re going to end up like them”

They started talking, and Peter stayed against Loki’s chest, thinking. May was the only person who had been there his whole life. And now she was gone. Ned didn’t want him as a friend any more. Tony and Loki were everything he had left. Loki had gone away for his own sake, but barring that, they’d never given up on him. It hadn’t been easy - far from it. Peter knew he’d been an absolute pain in the arse a lot of the time, intentionally or otherwise. But they’d still kept him. They could have put him into care, easily. But they didn’t. They  _wanted_ him. They’d wanted him for a long time.

Tony had wanted him in his life. And since they’d made friends during that first summer, Loki had too. They’d been a huge part of each others life after that - the four of them together. It was a good life, a happy life. They ate together and they worked together and they stayed together and they shopped together and went out together. Things were good. They were happy. 

Peter found he felt happy  _now_ , in this moment. It wasn’t the same kind of happy, but it was still happy. He was starting to settle into this life. Often, when he thought of what things were like before the accident, it felt like it happened to someone else - like it all happened in another life. He supposed, in a way, it had. He understood what Loki meant when he said his past felt like they happened to someone else now. 

“- We’ll go out and talk properly. I’ll ask Thor to look after him” Loki said, catching Peter’s attention. “Is that ok with you, Peter Rabbit?”

Peter nodded slightly, looking up at him. “When?”

“Today. I think the sooner, the better. You understand that, don’t you?” 

Peter nodded, looking between the two of them. “I’ve just got one more question”

“Oh yes?”

“What are we having for tea?”

*


	28. Hope For The Best

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peter has his girls round

-

Ned’s texts stopped. He’d texted Peter almost every day since the accident, but after their meeting at the cafe with the broken neon sign, he stopped. Peter minded quite a lot at first, but he had other things to occupy himself.

Loki had been back for two weeks now, and he was just as happy and healthy as he’d been returning from the honeymoon. He started to open up, and he had a lot of stories to tell about his volunteering and travelling. He was back to volunteering at the hospital, and he accompanied Tony on the school run as much as possible. Music and the radio were back to playing in all corners of the house. He often sang along (badly), and so did Tony (not so badly). Peter found himself often singing quietly to himself. He got very into Tom Robinson Band, and marvelled at the discovery that Loki could play all the guitar solo’s pretty well. 

Loki and Tony were as close as ever. Their hands still found each other automatically, they could still have full conversations in facial expressions, they still co-existed perfectly, and they still spent as much time as possible in each others arms.

Loki and Peter were back being best friends. Loki kept buying him treats, including, but not limited to; huge jars of flying saucer sweets, a full set of Beatrix Potter books, and an enormous Steiff elephant. The latter was a magnificent creature, more an ornament than an actual toy. Peter burst into tears when he first saw it. He loved it, although he felt guilty about it. He remembered seeing Steiff cuddly toys in a collectors shop in England, and even the tiniest teddies were nearly £30. He’d seen an big king penguin there for nearly £300 - he didn’t dare think about how much the elephant had cost. Still, he adored it, and, as per Loki’s suggestion, Peter liked cuddling up to it and telling it what was bothering him when he was feeling down or frustrated. 

Peter knew he was changing - or perhaps changing  _back_. He was happier now. He went out as Spiderman twice a week. His counselling sessions were down to one a week. He was back to climbing the walls and hanging upside down from the ceiling. He was back to helping Tony in the lab. He was still sad about everything that had happened, but he was started to accept his new life - even down to the designer clothing and lacrosse games at school.

-

School was good. He was still non-verbal, but he was comfortable with that. He was close with his girls, and with Malaki. He was on good terms with most everyone in his classes. Wendy still didn’t like him, and in family solidarity, Nigel still teased him. But it didn’t matter. He loved his friends. He’d been round to Millie’s a few times now, luckily avoiding her father. He was very fond of her mother though. He was happy.

Peter was still adjusting to the way the school worked - and the social class. He was getting better at remembering not to wipe his eyes on his sleeve, and better at using fountain pens without smudging everything into an unreadable mess. His grades were getting back to their old level. The teachers were happy with him. Tony was proud of him. And when he really thought about it, he was sure May would have been proud of him too.

-

“I have a question” Peter said, suspended from the ceiling.

“Get down from there!” Loki said, tickling his stomach so that he squeaked, lost concentration, and fell to the floor.

“Ow”

Loki looked over him. “Comfortable?”

“Not really” Peter mumbled, taking Loki’s offered hand and allowing himself to be helped to his feet. 

“So” Loki said, switching the kettle on. “What did you want to ask?”

“Um…”

“What have you done?” Tony asked, not looking up from his newspaper.

“Nothing! No, I just, um… I just…”

“Some time today would be nice” Tony said.

“Tony! Leave him alone: he’s all nervous” Loki said. “What’s up, sweetie?”

“Um. Well, you know how I’m not allowed to sleep round Millie’s and Flo’s?”

Tony looked up. “Yes?”

“Well, uh, I was thinking…” Peter looked down at his hands, clasping them to stop them from shaking. He closed his eyes. “Can I have the girls round for a sleepover?!”

He opened one eye and looked up nervously. Tony looked at Loki, and then nodded at Peter.

“Sure”

Peter looked up properly. “Really?! You mean it?”

“Sure, why not? You’re getting much better during the night now, and you’re always better when you’re with people. We can set up the back room futon for you and your friends”

Peter laughed and jumped at him for a hug. “Thank you! Thank you thank you thank you! So when? This Friday? Is this Friday ok?”

Tony laughed at him. “Sure thing, kiddo. Just so long as it’s ok with their parents, and the boarding mistress”

Peter nodded enthusiastically. “I’ll ask them tomorrow!” he hugged him again. “Thanks dad; you’re the best!”

“Aww” Loki came over and joined in the hug. “Hey, what’s with the tears?” 

“I’m happy!”

Loki laughed and kissed him on the nose. “I’m glad to hear it. I hope your friends all get told yes”

“I’m sure they will” Tony said. “Mind you, just because you’re having your friends over, that doesn’t mean you don’t have to do your homework when you get back from school on Friday night”

“Oh, but  _dad_! No one else has to do their homework as soon as they get home” Peter pouted.

“So? You do. I’ll let you off doing the washing up though. Ok?”

Peter considered. He hoped he was bluffing. “Fine. Can we order a takeaway?”

“We’ll see. Now go and have your bath before dinner”

-

All the girls did get told yes, as was expected. They were all four of them bubbling over with excitement all day on Friday. They all got very silly and distracted, but the teachers just shook their heads at them and didn’t get too cross. 

Tony picked them up after school in the seven seater so they could all sit together in the back. Peter was suddenly overcome with nerves, and he stuck strictly to whiteboard communication in the car. He was suddenly worried. All the girls came from nuclear families, and although they’d never said anything even slightly derogatory or homophobic, he was still worried they might act all funny. He was also worried about what they’d make of the house. He wasn’t too worried about Macy, and he’d never seen Flo’s house, but Millie’s was so dolls-house-perfect and pin-neat and fancy, and the Stark’s, while being expensive, was definitely not the show-house that the Colette families house was. He was also worried about what they’d make of Loki and Tony. Yes, they were still star-struck by the billionaire, but they didn’t know much about Loki. The two men were back to their funny, cuddly, over-affectionate selves. Plus, there was the play-fighting, a Stark household normality. 

Peter found himself biting his thumb and looking out of the window. Maybe this wasn’t such a good idea.

-

Peter didn’t feel quite so worried once they were inside and he saw Loki.

“Hey chick” Loki said. He nodded at the girls. “Hello girls”

He was in his hospital suit, looking terribly professional. Peter hugged him anyway, and Loki hugged him back. 

“Right, go and get changed and get your homework done, kids” Tony said.

“But  _dad_!” Peter protested, making the girls startle.

“Ah, don’t argue! We’ve been through this already”

“We don’t want to waste time with all that” Peter pouted. “Can’t we just-”

“Peter, don’t argue” Tony said firmly. “Go and get changed”

Macy recovered from her surprise and took Peter’s hand. “We’ve not got much homework tonight anyway”

“I always get behind on homework” Flo said, taking Peter’s other hand. “You’ll help with the History homework, won’t you?”

Peter nodded. Tony did too, approvingly. 

“See Peter, they don’t have a problem with it. Now hop it”

-

Peter took the girls to his room so they could get changed.

“I still can’t get used to the fact that you have a  _voice_ ” Millie said. “So I take it you’re not non-verbal at home?”

Peter shook his head, pushing his bedroom door open. The room suddenly seemed terribly ordinary. He’d always liked it, and it was definitely posher than his old room at the flat, but still…

“Oh wow, I  _love_ your elephant!!” Flo said, rushing over to it and checking the tag. “Oh, it  _is_ Steiff! I thought so! Oh Peter, he’s lovely! You  _must_ come over to my house soon. I have a wonderful collection of Steiff cuddlies” 

“I had a little Steiff teddy when I was a baby” Macy said, petting the elephant gently. “It’s at my parents house though. And it’s certainly not a giant like this one!”

“Have you named him?” Millie asked.

Peter shook his head.

“Oh Peter, you  _must_ give him a name!” she said. “How about Elijah?”

Peter looked shocked for a moment.

“Are you ok?”

Peter put a finger up to gesture a minute, and left the room. He came back quickly with the foundling book Loki had read to him. He flicked through it, finding the chapter with the circus, and pointing its name out to them.

“Oh cute!” Millie said. “So you can name it after the one in the book!”

“Elijah’s a rubbish name” Macy said, circling the elephant. “I’m sure you can think of something better”

“Isn’t your father called Elijah?” Flo said, taking her blazer off. “Anyway, shall we get changed?”

They did. Peter was more comfortable getting changed in front of them, having done it a few times now. He still kept his eyes averted most of the time. He’d sorted out some clothes before school, and he was glad he’d planned ahead - he was glad to avoid standing in front of the wardrobe in his shorts trying to find something appropriate. 

-

Doing homework together turned out to be much less painful than Peter had imagined. They set up their books on the breakfast bar, as Peter always did, and Tony fixed them some nibbles and drinks to have as they worked, as usual. It was just the same as always, but so much better. He liked the company. The girls liked being able to work everything out together. If one of them didn’t understand something, doubtless someone else did, so they managed to fill in the gaps. It took them no more than forty minutes to finish. 

Tony had long since wandered off, so once they’d shoved their books in their bags, they were free to socialise in the kitchen. Macy got nosy and went over to look at the notes and postcards on the fridge, and then the calendar on the wall.

“Aww, I like the little Peter Rabbit stickers” she said. She flicked through a few pages, frowning slightly. “They’re all over the place. Why so many?”

Peter went over to her, righting the calendar. “Well, before I lived here, before the accident, I was still here a lot. There was an agreement between them and my aunt, where I was here every Wednesday and every second weekend. Loki calls me Peter Rabbit sometimes. He bought the stickers to mark the days when I was supposed to be here. He did it till the end of the year. We’ve had the agreement for a long time now. Had…”

Macy squeezed his hand. “Are you ok?”

Peter closed his eyes and took a deep breath, and then squeezed her hand and nodded at her.

“Good” 

Flo gave him a quick hug. “Peter Rabbit is the naughty one though. Are you naughty?”

“Oh, inexplicably so” Loki’s voice sounded, making them all jump. 

Flo kept her arms round Peter’s shoulders, but her eyes were firmly fixed on Loki. He noticed she was blushing, so he winked at her.

“Peter, did you nick my MP3 again?”

Peter shook his head. “I borrowed it”

“Care to tell me where you put it?”

Peter shook his head again. Millie started looking nervous. Her own father would have gone mad if she’d replied like that. Loki, however, just looked amused, but the girls still shrunk away when he walked over. 

“Last chance”

Peter stuck his tongue out at him. Loki laughed and grabbed him, turning him upside down and shaking him. Peter shrieked indignantly.

“Hey!! Ow, dad! Not in front of my friends!” he shouted, wriggling. “Let go!”

Loki did, and Peter fell in a heap. He lay in shock for a moment, and then, completely forgetting about keeping up appearances, pounced at Loki. Millie flinched a little, and Flo looked a bit nervous, but Macy burst out laughing. 

“I wanna get in on the action here!” she said, bounding over to them.

“Pick a side” Loki said, tripping Peter and pinning him down on the kitchen floor with his hands above his head.

Macy considered for a moment, and then grinned, knelt down, and tickled Peter’s stomach. 

“Don’t!” Peter squeaked at her. “Don’t, I’m ticklish!”

Loki laughed. “Tell me where my MP3 is and we’ll stop”

“Ok, ok! It’s in my top drawer!”

“See, that wasn’t so hard, was it?” Loki said, releasing him and standing up. 

He still looked perfectly dignified. He nodded and left to find his music player. Peter sat up. Macy grinned at him.

“Sorry I betrayed you”

Peter knelt up. He thought for a moment, and then grabbed Macy’s upper arms. Macy laughed as Peter wrestled her onto her back.

“You’re stronger than you look, you know!” she said. 

“Peter! You’ll hurt her!” Millie squeaked.

“Oh Mills, they’re just playing” Flo said.

She got down on the floor and jumped at Peter with an arm round his neck, pulling him back from Macy. Peter turned and started wrestling with her instead. 

“You’ll get your dress dirty” Millie said, taking a few steps back. 

Macy stood up, leaning against her shoulder. “What are you so nervous about? You know Peter wouldn’t hurt us”

“Yes, but I don’t like violence - even pretend violence”

“You’re such a girly girl” Macy said, shaking her head. 

Peter heard, and he stopped. He helped Flo to her feet, and went and gave Millie a quick hug.

“I’m sorry. I never meant to upset you”

“Oh no, please don’t apologise! I just got a little nervous” she said, hugging him back. “Is he… is he always that rough with you?”

“He was being quite gentle” Peter said. “We do rough house a bit though”

“It’s supposed to be good for development” Flo said. “I read it in a psychology book once”

“I’m not convinced” Millie said. “Surely you get hurt, Peter?”

“A few bruises sometimes, I suppose. It’s never intentional though. It really is just a bit of fun” 

Millie looked at him. “It’s so weird hearing you speak, you know”

Peter just laughed.

-

All of Peter’s fears were squashed quickly. The girls liked the house, and they liked Loki and Tony. Flo’s blushing around Loki didn’t go unnoticed, and Macy teased her a little bit, but it was all in good heart. They spent a long time in the living room, watching telly, listening to music, having a takeaway, and doing lots and lots of laughing. Peter was still a bit quiet, alternating between speech, body language, and the whiteboard, and slowly the girls got used to hearing his voice. Tony and Loki kept their distance, not wanting to step on their toes unless it was absolutely necessary. At around nine-thirty, Tony came into the living room.

“It’s getting late, kids. I think it’s time to get ready for bed and move into the back room, ok?”

The girls entered a chorus of; “Yes, of course, sir”, and Peter nodded. He was starting to feel nervous again.

-

Peter owned plenty of pyjamas, but he didn’t really  _wear_ any of them, so he had no idea which ones to wear. In the end he decided to just wear joggers and a t-shirt instead, but when he got to his room, he found a set folded on the bed for him, which thwarted his plans. 

“Oh, cute pyjamas!” Flo said, touching the striped pyjamas gently.

Peter didn’t agree, but he didn’t say. 

Flo herself had a very cute playsuit-type silky pyjama set, and she looked very sweet in it. Millie had a little white lace nightdress, and Macy had a pyjama set not dissimilar to Peter’s.

“Snap!” she giggled, hugging him once they’d all gotten changed.

Peter hugged her back, and pulled his dressing gown on to cover his pyjamas. Macy’s looked much cuter than his. He wasn’t hugely happy with Loki and/or Tony for setting these ones out for him. He was getting used to all the expensive clothes and designer wear, but there were still some things - like his school satchel and these pyjamas - that he just Did Not Like.

-

He soon forgot about the annoyance of ugly pyjamas when they were settling into the back room. The futon had been folded out into its big king bed form, and kitted out with a huge quilt, along with various blankets and pillows. Peter had his little Peter Rabbit toy with him. He was going to leave it in his room, but Flo had brought a pretty little teddy in a ballet dress with her, so he couldn’t feel embarrassed about having a cuddly toy when she had one too. 

Brushing their teeth soon turned into a waste of time, as they quickly moved on to drinking pop and eating microwave popcorn and chocolate buttons. Peter nicked a packet of Choco Leibniz biscuits from Loki’s cupboard, deciding treating his girls was worth the probable spanking he’d get when Loki realised they were missing. Macy had come armed with packets of gummy bears and fizzy gummy worms, so they had quite the feast between them. It turned out to be too much of a feast, as they were too busy laughing and chatting to settle down and enjoy it properly.

-

There was a knock on the door at around half twelve. Peter sat up quickly, shoving the biscuit box under the covers out of sight just as the door opened. 

“You need to start settling down now, kids” Tony said. “It’s already gone midnight”

“Sorry, Mr Stark” the girls chorused.

“We don’t have school in the morning” Peter said.

“Well even so, you’re still young and you need proper rest. Settle down and go to sleep”

“Ok, we will. Sorry dad” 

“It’s ok, kiddo” he raised his eyebrows at the sweet packets, but didn’t say anything. He turned the lamp on, and the main light off. “Goodnight, kids”

He left, closing the door behind him, and they settled down - but of course they didn’t go to sleep. They curled up against the cushions, continuing their gossiping and joking. They had to keep diving under the covers to muffle their laughter. During one dive, Macy knocked the popcorn bowl and it tipped over.

“Oh  _Mace_! Popcorn gets into everything” Millie said, busy trying to get the popcorn back into the bowl. “Well, at least it only spilt on top of the covers”

“You fuss too much” Macy said. “Ooh, ooh, I forgot to tell you! So, you know I had riding on Wednesday?  _Well_ , Nigel and Wendy were there right, and you’ll never guess what!”

-

Tony gave Loki a little shake.

“I’m not asleep” Loki mumbled.

“Sorry. Can you go and tell the kids to go to sleep?” 

“Can’t you go?”

“I went last time” Tony said, giving him a poke. “Go”

“Have you seen the time?”

“Yes. Two in the morning” Tony said unhelpfully. “Go”

-

Loki opened the door to the back room. His footsteps had been heard, and they’d all dived under the covers and were pretending to be asleep.

“You can’t fool me” he said, looking at them. “Peter, your eyes aren’t even closed”

Peter turned round and sat up furiously. “How did you know?! I wasn’t even facing you!”

The girls all sat up too. 

“I’m sorry, Mr Stark” Millie said, not quite able to look at him. “We’re just…”

“Overexcited?” Loki supplied. “I get it, but it is getting a bit silly now. I’ve got to be at the hospital tomorrow, and I’m going to be exhausted if you don’t keep the noise down and let me get some sleep”

“Ah. I didn’t think” Peter said, looking guilty. “I forget how much noise carries on this corridor”

“The time is more of an issue” Loki said. 

“We’re sorry, Mr Stark, really” Macy said. She elbowed Flo in the side. “Aren’t we, Flo?”

Flo stopped staring at Loki, who was in his usual black silky dressing gown, and nodded.

“What time is it?”

“It’s gone two” Loki said, coming over to the futon and moving the empty popcorn bowl aside. “You really need to go to sleep now”

They all lay down and made themselves comfortable. Loki straightened the big quilt and tucked them in properly, reminded briefly of his sabbatical. 

“Go to sleep” Loki said. “Your father will have your guts for garters if he hears so much as a sneeze from you” 

“Yeah yeah. We’ll be quiet now” Peter said sleepily. “Goodnight”

“Goodnight”

-

They still talked for a little bit after Loki left, but the tiredness was catching up with them. They cuddled up close together, Millie spooning Macy, and Flo spooning Peter, and soon they were fast asleep.

-

They were still asleep at 10am on Saturday morning when Loki went to check on them. 

“Hey, Tony” he said, catching hold of his husband. “Come and look at this”

Tony did so. “Ok, that’s adorable”

“I know right. This is honestly the cutest thing” Loki said. “Look at them, curled up like a bunch of little bunnies”

Tony smiled and nudged him. “Look at you, getting all gooey”

“What? It’s cute!” 

“Yeah yeah. Shh, come on, lets leave them to it” Tony said, pulling the door closed. “You’ve got to leave now, you know”

“Yes” Loki said, as they went into the kitchen to grab his keys. “Right, keys, phone, wallet… I think I’ve got everything”

“See you later, darling” Tony said, giving him a kiss. 

“See you later. Say goodbye to the bunnies for me”

He rushed off, and Tony stopped for a moment, thinking. Maybe he had the right idea there. A way to refer to them other than Flo-and-Macy-and-Millie. Yeah. The Bunnies. He smiled to himself. How cute.

*


	29. Higher Than Higher

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things are getting better, and a new talent is discovered

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Questions welcome as always. Thanks for everyone for still being here! I'm aiming to have this wrapped up and finished by the end of November
> 
> Cosmos - I haven't forgotten you, but it's slow progress on your oneshot, I'm afraid (it also might end up being a pretty long oneshot!)

-

The nickname stuck. The four of them gained the nickname of ‘The Bunnies’, which somehow followed them into school over the coming weeks. They were always The Bunnies at the Stark’s, but sometimes referred to as Peter and the Flopsy Bunnies. Peter was a little embarrassed at first, but none of the girls minded. They thought it was cute. 

-

“Peter” Tony said. “We got a letter from the school today”

“What?! Ok, look, I can explain. It wasn’t entirely my fault, and anyway, the teacher laughed when it set Nigel’s book on fire, so if he’s deciding to get angry  _now_ -”

“Peter” Tony said, exchanging a look with Loki. “I’m going to pretend you didn’t just say that”

“Oh” Peter could feel himself blushing. “What is it then?”

“It’s from the PE department” Tony said, taking the letter from Loki and looking at it again. “Mr Musgrove wants you to join the swim team”

Peter looked at him, and at Loki. They were both smiling, Tony especially.

“…What?”

“He’s impressed with you. He says you’d have to try out as a formality, but basically, the place is yours if you want it” Tony grinned. “I’m so proud of you! You’re really giving everything your all, and now you’ve been given an unconditional place on the swim team! That’s brilliant! We’ll get you a new kit. I know your stuff is still pretty new, but maybe it’d be nice for you to have a different kit to compete in. We’ll have to celebrate”

Peter just stared at him. 

“I’ve always known you were a good swimmer” Loki said. “But obviously you’re even better than I realised. You’ll have to start using the pool here again”

“Yes, yes!” Tony agreed enthusiastically. “I’ll come down and help you train. I’m sure Thor will if you ask him to. Ooh, wait, this means you’ll be competing! Maybe we’d better get a space sorted for anything you win - which you will”

Loki ruffled the boys hair fondly. “You’re full of surprises, you are. Well done, sweetheart”

“We can go down to the pool now if you like? You can use it as much as you want, whenever, whatever you want”

“Dad?”

“We’ll let you pick your new kit. I know your current one is school-standard, but I think they’re more flexible on the team-”

“Dad”

“We might have to cut down on your library time, actually, since you’ll probably be competing at weekends. So-”

“Dad!! You’re not listening to me!”

Tony stopped, still grinning. “Sorry, champ”

He was so excited, so proud and happy. Peter felt guilty. He shook Tony’s hand off his shoulder.

“What’s up, kiddo?”

“I don’t want to join the team”

The smile fell from Tony’s face, and even Loki looked surprised.

“What?”

Peter swallowed hard. “I don’t want to join”

“What?” Tony repeated. He shook his head. “Don’t be silly, Peter! Of  _course_ you want to join! Look, don’t go worrying about costs and transport or anything like that. You should go for it, have fun, do something else that you’re good at. You’ll have our full support”

“You’re still not listening to me!” Peter cried, tears welling in his eyes. “I’m not joining the swim team!”

“Yes, you are!” Tony said, suddenly very firm. “There’s no reason not to. We’ll reply to Mr Musgrove and let him know you’ll be taking the place and joining”

“No! You can’t make me! I don’t want to!” he looked at Loki desperately. “I don’t have to join if I don’t want to, do I?”

Loki felt torn and uncomfortable, but he saw the look on Peter’s face, and he understood what he was feeling.

“No, not if you feel that strongly about-”

“Loki!” Tony snapped. “There’s no reason for him to reject the place. He’s going to join”

“Tony, if he doesn’t want-”

“He’s joining, and that’s that. End of discussion”

Loki didn’t try to fight it. Peter started crying, and Tony got annoyed.

“You’re being ridiculous” he said. “You should be  _excited_. This is a brilliant chance for you. I can’t wait to see you compete. You’ll be great”

He gave the boy a hug, kissing him on the temple. His phone started ringing, so he had to release the wriggling boy to answer it.

“Pepper, my dear! You’ll never guess what!” 

He wandered out of the room with his phone. Loki touched Peter gently on the shoulder.

“Are you ok?”

“I don’ wanna do it” he whimpered, wiping his eyes on his sleeve.

“Maybe- maybe it would be a good idea” Loki tried. “It might be fun?”

Peter shook his head. “No it won’t”

Loki sighed and gave him a hug. “I’ll talk to him again later. We’ll talk him round”

“Thanks dad” Peter mumbled. “I think you’re wasting your time though”

“Maybe. Still, it’s worth a shot”

“If you say so”

“I do say so”

“Good”

-

Tony had to go out to sort a work-based incident, so Loki didn’t have a chance to have a chat. He sighed and set about getting Peter fed and settled. Tony still wasn’t back when he’d sent Peter to bed. After a quick phone call, he found that Tony wouldn’t be back until the morning. He sighed heavily to himself and decided to call it a night. He gave Happy the heads-up that he’d been needed for the school run, and turned in.

-

Peter wasn’t happy going to school with things unsolved. He was his usual silent self in the car. He wasn’t sure why, but Happy had intimidated him since the accident, and he hadn’t yet been added to the list of people he’d speak to.

“You know” Happy said. “I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I almost miss your constant yakking”

Peter said nothing.

-

Peter wasn’t very happy that it was a PE day, but fortunately it was hockey, not swimming, so at least he could avoid Mr Musgrove easily enough. 

- 

Going back into the changing rooms, they had to pass through the open showers. Nigel stood in front of the doorway so Peter couldn’t get through. 

“Hey Parker. Why do you always use the shower cubicles?” he asked. “Oh, I know! Your embarrassed, aren’t you? What is it? Ashamed of what you’ve got down there?" 

Some of the other boys laughed. Peter just rolled his eyes, but his cheeks were burning. 

Nigel laughed. "Well then, let’s see what you’ve got - or more, what you’ve  _not_  got - to be embarrassed about" 

He grabbed at Peter’s waistband, and all in an instant, Malaki had jumped in, shoved Nigel, grabbed his shorts and tripped him, exposing him to everyone. There were plenty of laughs and indignant howls. Most of them had used the showers with Nigel before, but Malaki, who always used the cubicles, had not. He raised an eyebrow as he looked down at Nigel, who was sprawled on the shower floor in an undignified manner. 

"Well” he said. “It wouldn’t be hard to beat  _that_ " 

He turned triumphantly to see Peter’s reaction to this victory, only to find that he’d escaped in the commotion. Malaki sighed and went off to find him. 

- 

Peter found himself grumbling to himself as he showered and towelled himself dry and pulled his school uniform back on. Boys were horrible in every walk of life. 

- 

Malaki caught up with Peter in the corridor outside the changing rooms, by the PE office. 

"Hey, Peter!” he grabbed his arm. “Are you ok?”  

_You shouldn’t have done that_

“Oh, but it  _was_  pretty funny though. His face!” Malaki giggled. “Aww, please don’t look at me like that! I did it for you" 

Peter sighed and gave him a quick hug.

"You know he only picks on you because you’re so much better than him. He’s just jealous. Ignore him" 

Peter nodded. And then he started thinking. Without blowing his own trumpet, he could admit that he was better at Nigel in PE, especially at swimming and hockey. That was something he definitely had over him. He did better at him in most subjects, but Nigel only really seemed annoyed about the sporty side of it. Peter looked over at the door of the PE office. He knew Mr Musgrove was in there. He left Malaki and knocked at the door. It was opened quickly. 

"Peter! I take it you got the letter?” Mr Musgrove smiled at him. 

Peter nodded, and held up his whiteboard. 

 _My answer is yes_  

“Brilliant!” Mr Musgrove ruffled his hair and chucked him under the chin. “Don’t worry about trying out - it’s a waste of time. The place is yours. I’ll send some info about training over the next couple of days" 

Peter nodded, and he couldn’t help smiling at the teachers enthusiasm. 

"Oh, one more thing” he ducked into the office and returned shortly. 

He pinned a blue shield pin badge onto the lapel of Peter’s blazer. In silver lettering, it read; swim team.

-

Happy picked Peter up from school. 

“He’s at work” he said in response to Peter’s questioning look. “He’s aiming to be back tonight, but it’s a major incident”

\-  

Loki seemed every bit as fed up as Peter with this so-called Major Incident.

“Dad?" 

"What?" 

"What’s going on?" 

"Oh, I don’t know” Loki sighed. “Something to do with a supplier and one of the labs or something. He didn’t have much time to explain when he came back”

“He’s back?" 

"No. He came back briefly earlier, just to grab a few things, but he was gone in ten minutes. He should be back tonight though" 

"Oh" 

"Oh indeed. Go and get changed and get your homework done" 

"I don’t have any homework" 

"Well, just go and get changed then! Honestly, you don’t really need a step by step guide now, do you?" 

Peter pouted and did as he was told. He took the badge off his blazer and put it in his pocket so it would be on hand to show Tony later.

- 

Tony was back just over an hour later, which was much sooner than had been expected. He looked exhausted. He flopped on the sofa and pulled Peter close while Loki went to make him a drink. 

"Hey chick” Tony mumbled. 

“Is everything ok at work?" 

"Yeah, yeah, it’s all sorted now, thank god” he sighed, rubbing his chin on top of Peter’s head. “Good day?" 

"It was ok. I’ve got something to show you" 

He took the badge out of his pocket and handed it to Tony. Tony took it carefully, and read what it said.

"Mr Musgrove gave it to me” Peter said. “I… I said yes" 

Tony was quiet for a moment, and then he pulled Peter onto his lap and kissed his cheek hard. 

"That’s brilliant, kiddo. I’m proud of you. What made you change your mind?”

“Honestly? I wanted to annoy Nigel” Peter said, and immediately regretted it.

Mercifully, Tony just laughed. “You’re a funny kid. Come on now, what’s the real reason?" 

"Um. Well… I just thought I may as well give it a go. I can always quit if I really hate it, can’t I?" 

"Sure, but I don’t think it’ll come to that. I think you’ll love it" 

- 

Tony was right. Peter was unbelievably nervous for the first few sessions, but he soon settled in. He soon made friends with Michael Rose, Malaki’s best friend, so he always had someone to sit with on the bench. He got on well with the rest of the team, too. It was a good mix of boys and girls, but Peter was told it was separated into sexes when competing. The prospect of competing was still daunting, but the mini-tournament Mr Musgrove was preparing them for was still a lifetime away, as far as Peter was concerned. 

- 

"You’re very quiet tonight” Flo said while they were having tea one night at the Stark’s. 

“Are you nervous?” Macy asked. 

“Of course he is” Tony said. “Tomorrow is a big day" 

Peter put his fork down. He didn’t feel so hungry today. Tony went over and gave him a quick squeeze. 

"You’ll do great tomorrow, kiddo. We’ll all be there rooting for you" 

That was part of the problem, Peter thought. Part of him  _did_  want Loki and Tony and Thor and the bunnies to be there for his first competition, but part of him dreaded it. He didn’t want to feel all those eyes on him, especially not if he was rubbish. Well, being on the team, he knew he wasn’t _really_  rubbish, generally speaking, but all the nerves might change that. He was so scared he felt sick.

- 

Peter didn’t sleep well at all that night. He lay awake staring at the ceiling long after the girls had fallen asleep. He thought about his new swim stuff. He thought about the drive to the centre. He thought about getting changed and having the brief and lining up waiting for the tournament to start. He thought about his friends and his family in the stands watching him. He imagined not hearing the starter whistle and starting late. He thought about getting into the water and suddenly forgetting how to swim. He thought about his nerves getting the better of him and making him sick. Sure, he enjoyed the training and the communal spirit of the team, but competing was another thing entirely. He didn’t feel like this was such a good idea. He felt so sick. He was all shaky and headachey too. Maybe he really _was_  sick. He hoped he was. He wouldn’t have to go if he was ill. 

- 

If the girls hadn’t have been there, Peter may well have burrowed under the covers and refused to get up. But instead he got up and went to the kitchen when with them. Someone else was already there.

"Uncle Thor!” Peter shouted, jumping into his arms. “You’re so early!" 

"I said I’d be coming round first thing” Thor said, hugging him. “You should get yourself fed. You’ll be burning a lot of energy today" 

Peter managed to settle down, having comfortable conversation with Thor and the girls while they had a hearty breakfast. Loki came into the kitchen just as they were finishing their juice. 

"Morning, bunnies” Loki said, rubbing his eyes and switching the kettle on.

“Good morning, Mr Stark” the girls chorused. 

“Late night?” Thor said, looking at him.

“Something like that” Loki mumbled. 

“Where’s that husband of yours?" 

"Hm? Oh. Shower. I think" 

"You think?" 

"Stop pestering me" 

Peter got up from his seat and went over to Loki for a cuddle. 

"Hey, Peter Rabbit” Loki said sleepily. “How are you feeling?" 

Peter just shrugged, nuzzling into him. He was distracted when Tony came into the room. 

"You were wrong, brother” Thor said. 

Loki didn’t reply. 

“Morning. Hey kiddo, what are you hiding for?” Tony said, detaching the boy from Loki. “Have you eaten? Good. Big day today! We’d better leave in no more than an hour, ok? Don’t want to be late for your first competition! Have you got all your stuff together?" 

Peter shook his head. His stomach was squeezing horribly and he felt he might be in danger of losing his breakfast. 

"I’d go and sort it if I were you. Come on, hop to it, champ”

- 

Peter’s bag was already packed, but he’d needed the excuse for some alone time. He knelt on the floor with his arms round his elephants neck, burying his face behind its big ear. He felt dreadful, so sick and scared. He wished he’d never accepted the place. He wished he didn’t have to compete. He wished Tony wasn’t so enthusiastic and that Loki wasn’t too tired to console him. He wished May was there to make him feel better. 

- 

Tony realised that Peter had been gone for much longer than it took to pack a bag, and went off to see if he was ok. 

“Comfortable?” he said, pulling the elephants ear forward so that he could see his face. He sighed when he saw the tears in his eyes. “What’s wrong, chick?" 

"I miss May!" 

"Oh sweetheart. Hey, come on now. Come ‘ere” he knelt down on the floor and pulled him close. “There now. Ok sweetheart, it’s ok" 

"I’m sorry-!" 

"No, no, don’t be sorry! You cry just as much as you need to. I get it, I really do”

“It’s not fair! She should be here! She should  _be_  here!" 

"I know sweetheart” Tony held him tight. “I know" 

- 

Tony kept Peter close for a while after he’d stopped crying. He checked his watch. 

"We need to get going soon, kiddo” he said softly. 

“I don’t want to do it" 

"You have to” Tony said, helping him to his feet. “You’ve made a commitment. You have to honour it" 

Peter went and sat on the bed. He took the picture from May’s office box from his bedside table and sat looking at it. Tony sat beside him and put an arm round his shoulder. 

"I miss her too” he said. “Sometimes I still find myself picking up my phone to send her a text and then I remember and… You don’t get over this kind of thing overnight" 

"I’ve kinda… I’ve kinda accepted it all now” Peter said. “But it still hurts" 

"I know. I know” he looked down at the picture Peter was holding. “She’d be so proud of you, you know?" 

"You think so?” Peter said sadly, sounding unconvinced.

“I know so” Tony said. “She was always singing your praises. She thought the world of you. And despite everything that’s happened this year, you’ve still done great things. I know you really struggled, especially at first, and I know you’re struggling now, but you’re doing so well. I’m so proud of you, as is your other dad. And I know that if May was here, she would be so unbelievably proud of you too" 

Peter slowly set the picture back on his bedside table, took a very deep breath, and nodded. 

"We’re gonna be late if we don’t leave soon" 

Tony smiled at him. "Let’s get going, kiddo. Let’s knock 'em dead" 

-

Peter was still buzzing with adrenaline as he came out of the changing rooms. He’d never felt anything quite like this before. He heard his name being called, and turned to find the bunnies, Tony, Loki, and Thor stood waiting for him. Everyone hugged him so tight that he could barely breathe. 

"You were brilliant brilliant brilliant!” Macy said, kissing his cheek. 

“Amazing!” Millie added. 

“Spectacular!” Flo added. 

“Absolutely wonderful” Tony said, kissing the boys cheek hard. “I didn’t realise quite how good you are! Oh sweetheart, I’m so  _proud_  of you!" 

"You did great” Thor said, ruffling the boys hair. 

Loki didn’t say anything, but he gave him a hug. Peter couldn’t say anything either. He just laughed tearfully, clutching his trophy and winning flowers to his chest. 

“First place! And on your first competition, too! You could be really great, kiddo” Tony said. “Hey, have you got all your stuff together? We’ll have to go and drop the girls off, but then we can go and celebrate. We can do anything you want”

Peter didn’t really know what he wanted, if anything at all. He felt great as it was. He didn’t need anything other than his friends and families support.

- 

Peter stayed quiet, thinking hard. One by one, the girls were dropped off, leaving just the four of them in the car. It was only then that Peter spoke up.

“Can we go and visit May?" 

There was a brief silence. 

"If you’d like to” Tony said. 

Peter nodded. “I would like. Thank you" 

"Sure thing, kiddo” Tony said, and he turned the car round and started off in the other direction. 

- 

Peter started to feel a bit funny when they arrived at the cemetery. Truth be told, he hadn’t been here very often at all. He knew that was bad, but he often felt like he couldn’t face it. But he was here now. He swallowed hard and got out of the car, leaving his trophy on the back seat but keeping the winners flowers with him. Tony tried to take his hand but he wouldn’t let him. He stared straight ahead and made himself walk. 

As soon as he saw the first untended grave he felt sick, and found himself backing away and bursting into tears. Thor tactfully took the flowers from him, and Tony and Loki went to Peter’s aid, taking his hands and trying to reassure him. 

“I know, sweetheart, I know” Tony said. “It’s been a while" 

"It’s ok, sweetie. We’re not in a hurry” Loki said. “It’s ok. Take your time" 

Peter looked at the graves through his tears, at the unkept grass and weeds and empty flower holders and dirty headstones. 

"It’s not fair!” he sobbed. “It’s not fair for them all to be forgotten like this! No one cares about them anymore. I don’t want May to end up like this!!" 

He started bawling, and Loki pulled him into his arms and hugged him tight.

"This won’t happen to May” he said firmly. “I won’t let it happen. And neither will you" 

- 

Once Peter had calmed down enough, he took the flowers back from Thor, and they continued onwards. It was still too early for a headstone, but the mound of earth was now more green than brown. Not that you could really see it, because it was all over with cards and candles and bouquets of flowers.

"Isn’t it weird to think that she’s under all that?" 

No one said anything, but Tony gave his shoulder a squeeze. Peter looked at everything. He read the temporary marker. This was it. There she was. That’s where she’d been since January. That’s the only place she’d ever be now. Something about it felt so tragic, so horrible, so cruel and unfair - but then, Peter thought, he supposed it was. 

He knelt down slowly, and stayed there silently for a few minutes, looking at every flower, every trinket and card. He looked down at the winners flowers in his arms, and he spoke. 

The grown ups mutterings fell quiet as they all three watched Peter. He was a little slow at first, but then his words flowed, and he talked and talked and talked. Tony and Loki watched him, and they glanced at each other, both knowing what the other was thinking. It was almost exactly the same way that he always used to speak to May, sparing no detail, growing more animated and enthusiastic. Loki found himself stepping away, starting to feel more and more odd, more and more sad and tearful. 

”…So, so, it’s not what I ever _thought_  I’d do, but I did, and I have. That race was for you. And so are these" Peter set the beautiful winners bouquet down on the grave. “I’ve got the trophy. I don’t know if I’ll stick with swimming, but if I do, and if I win more races, and there’s more flowers, I’ll always give them to you. I promise. The flowers will always be for you. Always. Because I wouldn’t be me without you. And I love you" 

Peter went quiet, and all in an instant he felt the eyes on him. They didn’t put him off. He kept looking at the grave, kept thinking about May, and blinked very hard to try to dry the tears in his ears.

- 

Tony put a hand on Peter’s shoulder. Peter looked up at him. He knew what that look meant, and he nodded slowly. And then tears spilt from his eyes all over again. Loki kept his distance. Thor picked the boy up, intending the carry him. Peter allowed this. He turned his head as he rested it against Thor’s shoulder, so that he wouldn’t have to see the grave fading out of sight. He had tears dripping down his cheeks but he didn’t really feel too bad. He felt relieved. A little melancholy, yes, but calm, like everything was ok. Maybe it was. 

- 

Peter was quiet again in the drive home, and so was Loki. Thor and Tony didn’t speak much either. Once they were back at the Starks and upstairs, Tony tried again. 

"Right kiddo, why don’t you have a think and see how you want to celebrate? Your victory deserves a treat" 

Peter still wasn’t sure. He knew Tony was being nice, but somehow he didn’t feel like a celebration past what they’d had at the events centre was necessary. He was a little more concerned with the fact that Loki was acting funny. He was quiet and visibly distant and he looked a bit sad and distracted. Tony didn’t seem to notice, and neither did Thor, which was odd too. Peter thought maybe they were too busy fussing over him to notice.

- 

"I’m going to the hospital” Loki announced, coming back into the kitchen to grab his keys. 

“What? We told Peter we’d celebrate. You know that” Tony frowned. 

“Well, he’s got you two. Celebrate without me" 

"You’re going out?” Peter said sadly. “But you’re not due in today" 

"So?” Loki almost snapped at him. “I want to go" 

"You’re upsetting Peter!” Tony said, hugging the boy and shooting Loki with an angry glare. “You can go to the hospital some other time”

“I want to go now”

“Why?”

“Because hugging babies makes me feel better” he snapped.

There was a small silence, and then Tony got angry.

“You’re being so unbelievably selfish. Peter just won first place at his first-”

Loki didn’t bother listening.

“Shut up, Tony. I’m going”

Tony went to shout at him, but Peter jumped in.

“I’m coming too!”

Loki stopped and looked at him. “I’m sorry?”

“Well, I can’t stop you going, so I’ll just have to come as well. I’ve never got to see what you do at the hospital. I can go, can’t I?” he turned back to Tony. “Can’t I?”

“Well…” Tony said uncertainly.

“Fine, if you really want to go, you can come with me” Loki said. “Go and get your shoes on”

*


	30. Endless Acts Of Kindness

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peter goes to the hospital with Loki to see what he gets up to while he's volunteering

-

“Hey, can I ask you something?” Peter asked as they walked towards the hospital entrance.

Loki nodded.

“What do people on Asgard think about you volunteering here?”

“I couldn’t care less if I tried” Loki said. “They hated me when they knew me, and they hated everything I did and everything I stood for. No doubt they hate me now, and always will. I don’t care. They’re not part of my life anymore. None of it matters. My home is here now. With Tony. He’s the only one who’s ever accepted me properly. I don’t care about Asgard”

“When did you last go back?”

Loki paused. “A few months after I was first dragged to earth to live with Thor”

“Dad said you don’t see your parents any more”

“Well, I don’t count That Man as my father” Loki said. “And mother obviously doesn’t care either, otherwise she’d come to earth to see me”

Peter took Loki’s hand. Loki sighed and gave it a quick squeeze, but pulled away to get out his ID. 

“Now don’t you go wandering off. And keep your voice down. This is a hospital”

“What exactly is it that you do here?”

“Lots of boring stuff. And lots of not-so-boring stuff. I get to know people, and I help out where I can, and I sit in on a lot of dull meetings. Tony’s social status helped a long way to getting me in here”

Peter felt a bit funny entering the hospital. He was glad there were entrances other than A&E. He’d hated going after he’d cut his hand on the photo because it reminded him of hours hunched up asking for his aunt. 

“Hey, dad?”

“Hm?”

“Do you ever go back to the ward you stayed on?”

“No. It would be too weird. I don’t like remembering it” Loki said. “I still see Nurse Tyler around sometimes though”

“I liked her”

“She’s great, isn’t she? She was brilliant while I was in. I know she looked after you and Tony too. And Thor…”

“You paid off her student loans, didn’t you?”

Loki smiled slightly. “Yes. It was a token, really. We didn’t know how else to thank her. It was Tony’s idea”

“Do you think you’ve changed?”

“Oh, definitely. I barely recognise the person I was before I made friends with Tony. I used to mind terribly, but I don’t anymore. I’ve always been strange, but now I’m strange in a different way”

“Well, I like you. I didn’t know you before you knew dad. I don’t care who you used to be. I like the you you are now. Even though you’re a weirdo”

Loki laughed and ruffled his hair roughly. “You’re a cheeky blighter”

“You love me though”

“Too right!”

-

Peter quickly realised how well known Loki was in the hospital. He’d known Loki had been volunteering there for a long time now, but he’d never known anything about it, other than it had something to do with babies. Lots of people nodded at him, others waved, and some said hello in passing. 

“Mr Stark!” A nurse popped up out of the nurses station. “I thought you weren’t due in today”

“I wasn’t, Mary, but I decided to pop down” Loki said. “This one insisted on coming with me”

Mary smiled at Peter. “How was your swimming competition?”

Peter stared at her for a moment, and then looked up at Loki.

“What? I do talk about you sometimes, you know” Loki smiled, and looked back at Mary. “First place. We’re very proud”

“Wow! And on your first one too! Well done” she smiled. “Mr Stark, since you’re here, can I suggest you visit NICU? We had a close call with Micky, and I think the parents would appreciate seeing you again”

“Of course, I’ll head down. I’ll talk to you later”

“Yes, well, must be getting on! See you later!”

Peter looked up at Loki as they headed down the corridor.

“Who’s Micky?” 

“Micky Michael’s. He’s a premature baby. I’ve known his parents a little while now”

Peter tried not to laugh. “Micky Michael’s?”

“Family tradition, apparently” Loki said, scanning his pass to get into NICU. “Hands”

He gestured to the dispenser, and Peter obediently sanitised his hands. It was very quiet on this ward, and it seemed dark. 

“Remind me what NICU is?”

“Neonatal Intensive Care Unit” Loki said. “So it’s all the really sick babies. Micky is in a side room. Or at least, he was last time I was here. I’d best check and make sure”

He asked a passing doctor, who seemed happy to see him, and let him know that Micky was still in the same side room. Loki took Peter’s hand.

“Now, don’t you go wandering off” he said as they stopped outside the side room. “And please behave yourself”

Loki knocked before entering the room. 

“Mr Stark!” Mrs Michaels stood up when she saw Loki. “It is so good to see you!”

“Likewise, Mrs Michaels. Do you mind my boy joining us? He’ll behave”

“No, of course” she glanced back at the incubator.

“How is he?” Loki asked, going over to her. 

“Last night was… close”

Loki picked up the babies chart and looked it over. He started talking with Mrs Michaels. Peter didn’t listen. He came closer, and peered into the incubator. He expected to see a tiny baby, maybe with a drip in it’s hand, but otherwise a regular looking baby. He was admittedly quite shocked at what he saw. The baby was so tiny it didn’t look quite real. It was very pink and shiny-looking, with prominent veins showing through its thin skin. It looked no more than skin and bones, and was covered in lanugo. It was like nothing he’d ever seen before.

Peter looked at the baby for a long time. It had its eyes closed, and it looked cold. Maybe that was because it was just wearing a nappy. He knew the incubator was keeping it warm, but it still seemed very cold and sterile. It looked uncomfortable too: the baby was covered in monitors, with drips in its limbs and a tube in its nose. The tube was held in place by a gauze sticking plaster with a teddy bear on it. Somehow it seemed out of place. 

Peter looked up at Loki, but he was still in deep conversation with the babies mother. He looked back at the baby. Suddenly he didn’t feel so good. 

-

“Well, he’s hanging on” Loki said. 

“I pray every day” Mrs Michaels said. “My husband does too”

Loki nodded. “You’re in my thoughts”

Mrs Michaels looked at Peter. “You’ve been looking at Micky for a long time”

Peter nodded slightly. He felt sorry for it. He knew it wasn’t ready to be here. He hoped it would be ok. But he didn’t like looking at it. Mrs Michaels and Loki were looking at him, waiting for him to speak.

“I like his blanket” Peter said quietly.

It wasn’t a lie. There was a beautiful silky quilted baby blanket draped over the incubator. Every other square had a little picture on it: aeroplanes and trains and teddies and baby rattles.

“I made it myself” Mrs Michaels said. “I always knew my baby would be a boy. I started it just after I conceived”

Peter swallowed. “Why was he born so early?”

“Peter!”

“No, no, it’s fine” Mrs Michaels smiled sadly. “I got a bad infection. They had to do an emergency c-section, so we got him sooner than we should have. He is small, but he is  _strong_. He will fight”

She opened one of the little windows on the side of the incubator and touched baby Micky gently. Peter looked up at Loki. He looked calm and collected and professional, so much like a doctor. He knew there must be something that made Loki do this. He’d long given up on believing the misconceptions the Avengers had fed him very early on, but he still didn’t completely understand Loki. Tony always said he’d been through so much that settling into a type of normality was just comfortable for him. Maybe he was trying to forget the past. Or maybe he just really did care. 

“You may touch him” Mrs Michaels said.

Peter didn’t really want to, but he thought it would be rude to say so. He reached out and gently touched the baby’s hand with his finger - and the babies fingers closed around his. 

“He’s stronger than I expected” Peter said.

He looked at the tiny hand holding him, and he felt something weird welling in his chest. Despite the outward appearance, there was no doubt that this baby was a miracle.

-

“Can I be honest with you?” Peter said once they’d left baby Micky and his mother.

“I don’t know, can you?”

“I’m being serious, dad. Can I admit something to you?”

“Go ahead”

Peter swallowed. “I don’t think I like the premmie babies”

Loki was quiet for a moment, and then he nodded. “I can see where you’re coming from. It’s not a great situation to deal with. I don’t come down to NICU often. I don’t like seeing poorly babies. But I get to know so many mothers early on, and if their babies end up down here, which - touch wood - not many of them do, I make an effort to check up on them”

“So you find this hard something too?”

“Oh yes, definitely. I know that a lot of people - namely a certain Russian red-head and her crossbow-wielding friend - will tell you that I haven’t got a heart and can’t sympathise with anyone. But I think you should know by now that people can surprise you”

“Did you start volunteering here because you don’t have your own baby?”

“Well. No. Not really. It was by chance, really. Tony suggested I find something to keep myself busy, and I tagged along once day while he was doing some charity stuff on the childrens ward, and the mother of one of the kids asked me if I do hospital work too, because she said I was good with the kids. There was a nurse passing - Mary, you met her earlier - and she said I was welcome on the neonatal unit if I wanted, so Tony helped me get in touch. The first day went well, and it just turned into a regular thing. It’s part of my routine now”

“Well, I think it suits you well”

Loki smiled and gave him a quick hug. “Thanks, sweetie”

- 

A doctor collared Loki as they exited NICU.

“Mr Stark! I’m so glad you’re here! You’ll never guess who had her baby yesterday”

“Please, enlighten me”

“Only little Miss Annie Perkins! We were going to induce her but her waters broke just as we were about to do it. She’ll be pleased to see you” the doctor said. “Bed six, if you’ve got a minute”

“Of course” Loki said. “I’ll pay her a visit”

The doctor nodded and Peter and went on his way, checking his pager as he went.

“You really do work here”

Loki burst out laughing. “What, did you think it was a cover-up for pub visits?”

“Um… Well, no, but like, well, I didn’t really ever know what you did here”

“Well, it’s a lot of meetings. But I spend a lot of time with expectant parents and babies. Occasionally I go down to the childrens’ ward when they’re short-handed and help out. I also do the day unit a little bit. It really depends how I feel, and where they need a hand. I prefer this side of things. The meetings have their uses, but they’re dull as anything, I tell you”

“So you’re kinda like a patient support person?”

“Well, I suppose you could say that. At least, when I’m not in the meeting room, anyway!”

-

Miss Annie Perkins teared up considerably when she saw Loki.

“Oh Mr Stark! She’s finally here!”

“She took her time” Loki said. “We all said she’d come when she was ready”

“You’ve been with me ever since the start” she said, sitting up a little straighter. “Would you like to hold her?”

“Yes please”

Annie passed the bundle in her arms over to Loki. Loki took the baby and held her close, and a smile spread over his face as he looked down at her.

“Hello there. Lovely to finally meet you, little one” 

Peter stayed at a little distance, but Annie saw him.

“Are you Mr Stark’s little boy?”

Loki held the baby in one arm so he could give Peter’s shoulder a squeeze.

“Yes, this is my Peter. He wanted to come with me today”

“He doesn’t half look like your husband, you know!” Annie smiled. 

“You’re not the first person to point it out” Loki said. “Still, there’s worse people to look like”

Annie laughed. Peter came closer to peer at the baby in Loki’s arms. She was tiny - still much bigger than Micky in NICU - but tiny all the same. She had a pink fleece babygro on, with a matching hat, and was wrapped in a pink knitted blanket. She was pink herself, with chubby flushed cheeks. She looked like a little doll. She had beautiful big deep blue eyes. 

“Aww!”

Loki grinned. “She’s lovely, isn’t she?”

“You can hold her if you like” Annie said.

“Hm? Oh! Oh, uh, I don’t know. I might drop her” Peter said worriedly.

“No you won’t” Annie said. “Go on!”

“Sit down” Loki said, nodding at the chair beside the bed. “You might find it easier that way”

Peter sat down, and Loki passed the baby over to him, helping him adjust his arms to hold her properly.

“That’s it - support her head” Loki said. “There, you’ve got her”

Peter looked down at the little pink person, and she looked up at him. She was warm, and soft, and heavy.

“She’s heavy” Peter said. “Heavier than I expected”

“She’s actually quite little for a full-term baby” Loki said.

Peter smiled. It felt good, holding her. She was so tiny and perfect. He was starting to understand what Loki had meant when he’d said holding babies made him feel better.

“What’s her name?” Peter asked Annie.

“I haven’t decided yet” Annie replied. “I’m still thinking. I had some ideas, but none of them seem good enough for her”

“What were you thinking?”

“I liked Summer. And Abigail. And I was considering Charlotte. But none of them seem fitting now. I’ll have to get the name dictionary out and have another think”

“I think I’d struggle” Peter said. “I mean, they’ll have the name their whole life. It’s a big decision”

“Any ideas?”

“…Lola. Or Aurora. Bonnie, maybe? Because she’s pretty?”

Annie giggled. “I’m not sure about Bonnie. I like the other two though. There’s a singer called Aurora, you know”

Peter nodded. “Dad listens to her”

Loki ruffled his hair. “When this one hasn’t nicked off with my MP3 I do”

Peter grinned up at him, and then startled when the baby started crying.

“Oh, um-”

“Here” Loki took the baby from him and rocked her gently, and she went quiet again within seconds. 

“How did you know what to do?” Peter asked.

“Practise” Loki said. “I’ve looked after lots of babies here”

“Oh” Peter nodded. “You’re good at it”

-

“Mr Stark? Can I borrow you for a moment?”

The man looked terribly official-looking and stern. Peter thought Loki must know him, because he didn’t seen phased.

“Of course” Loki pushed Peter down onto a chair in the hallway. “Stay here. I’ll be back as soon as I can”

-

Peter felt quite uncomfortable and out of place now that he was alone. He sat kicking his heels, not sure what to do with himself. 

“You’re Mr Stark’s boy, aren’t you?”

Peter looked up and found a nurse looking down at him. A pretty nurse, with blond hair and shining eyes. Peter nodded.

“Why don’t you come with me while he’s busy? Maybe you can help with some of the babies”

Peter wasn’t so sure, but he stood up and followed him anyway.

-

The nurse introduced himself as John Johanssen. (“But everyone calls me Jo Jo”). He took Peter into the nurses office and explained some of the records and paperwork to him.

“I can’t show you real ones, of course, because of patient confidentiality, but these are pretty good examples. See if you can fill a few in like I showed you. Most babies can go home the day they’re born, but some end up staying a little while. Sometimes they’re a little poorly, or not feeding properly, and sometimes they’re perfectly fine but mum is poorly, or they’re waiting for a foster placement or something like that. You have to be careful with babies, but they’re not as fragile as a lot of people think”

“I think I heard someone say that babies are made to survive new parents”

Jo Jo laughed. “Well there’s definitely some truth in that! But you do need to follow the rules a little bit, like sterilising the bottles and keeping things clean and a load of other little general health and hygiene things”

“What made you get into this then?”

“I wanted to be an adult nurse, originally” Jo Jo said. “I loved regular nursing, but I did a few shifts on a neonatal ward that was short-staffed when I was still training, and I was hooked. Changed my speciality. I had to qualify as an adult nurse before going on to do child nursing, and it was a long road, but it’s been great. There’s just something I really enjoy about working down here”

They were quiet for a while, while Peter filled in some paperwork using the case study information. 

“What about you, kid?” Jo Jo said. “What are you thinking of doing when you’re big?”

“I don’t know” Peter said. “I think dad will want me to join Stark Industries. Be his successor, you know?”

“How do you feel about that?”

Peter shrugged. “I think it’d be fine. I haven’t really been thinking about the future much lately though”

“You’re still young. There’s no rush” he looked over the papers Peter had filled out. “These are good. You’re a quick learner. Fancy going into nursing?”

Peter wasn’t sure if he was joking on not, so he just raised an eyebrow and smiled. 

-

“Oh. I’m not really experienced with babies” Peter said, backing away when Jo Jo offered him a bottle.

“It’s easy. You can sit down if you like. Your arm might get tired standing up”

Peter said down, although he was feeling quite nervous now. “Will the parents mind?”

“These three don’t have parents yet. I trust you, so go ahead” he passed a little bundle into Peter’s arms.

Peter looked down at the baby. It was dressed in all white. Peter was just about to ask if it was a boy or a girl when the door opened.

“Ah! So this is where you got to!” Loki said, but he didn’t sound cross. “I trust he hasn’t been too much bother?”

“On the contrary” Jo Jo said. “He’s been a gem. I’m trying to convince him to help with feeds”

“Well” Loki said, tickling the baby Peter was holding under the chin. “You’ll have no problem with Tommy: he’s a right little greedy guts”

“Isn’t he just?” Jo Jo smiled.

“What is he still doing here?” Loki asked. “I thought he was supposed to go to his foster family on Wednesday”

“It fell through” Jo Jo said. “There’s another on the cards though”

He passed Loki a bottle, and Loki passed it to Peter. Peter held it as though it was a bomb. 

“I don’t really know what I’m doing”

“Here, I’ll show you” he knelt down and helped Peter hold the bottle properly and adjust his position. “That’s it. Tilt it a little more, and just nudge it against his mouth. He’ll do the rest”

Peter did as he was told, and sure enough, Tommy latched on and started sucking eagerly. Peter looked down at him, and Tommy looked up into his eyes. Peter smiled. Loki did too. He gave Peter’s shoulder a squeeze.

“That’s it” he said, standing up. “You’re a natural”

Peter didn’t look up. He was happy looking down at the little baby in his arms. He still wasn’t sure about babies like poor Micky, but he liked the healthy babies, the ones who looked like the ones in the adverts on the telly and in magazines. There was something nice about their warm weight and the way they looked at him. It felt so natural. 

Peter looked up. Jo Jo and Loki were talking together, both holding a baby and feeding. Loki looked good like that. He made it look so effortless, and he looked so comfortable. He was good at it. Peter couldn’t help remembering the baby moodboard and the IVF clinic leaflet with the appointment dates scribbled on. Somehow, he didn’t think Tony and Loki would ever have a baby of their own. But maybe Loki had accepted that. He looked happy now, and he fit in perfectly with the hospital staff. Sure, he wasn’t a nurse, or a doctor, or any kind of HCP, but his intentions were good, and he cared, and his volunteering was good not only for him, but for the hospital staff, the mothers, and the babies.

Peter looked at him, and he loved him. Sure, they weren’t blood, and technically the law only saw his as a guardian, but Loki was most definitely  _his_ father. And he felt so incredibly lucky to have him.

*


	31. All The Things I Keep So Dear

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Somewhere something is calling for you, two worlds, one family, trust your heart, let fate decide, to guide these lives we see”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is so cliche omg I'm so sorry

-

Tony was relieved when Loki returned in what was visibly a much better mood. Peter looked happy too, chatting nineteen to the dozen. Thor had gone home, and Peter’s return had been anxiously awaited. Tony gave him a big hug.

“Hey kiddo. Have you decided how you want to celebrate?”

“I wanna get the fire pit out and sit on the balcony roasting marshmallows!”

Tony blinked a bit, but smiled. “Hot chocolate too?”

“Yes please!”

“Go and get the pit out then, kid. We’ll come and join you in a minute”

“Ok!” Peter said, and rushed off obediently.

Tony looked at Loki. Loki turned and smiled slightly.

“Hey”

“Are you ok?”

Loki nodded, glancing at the doorway. “He’s great, isn’t he?”

“He is” Tony agreed. “Was he ok at the hospital?”

“Mostly, yes. He met Jo Jo and he taught him how to fill out the paperwork. He did it well, too. He was good with the babies as well. But then, I knew he would be”

Tony nodded. “He’s a good kid”

“He’s our good kid. In a way…” 

“Lolly? Hey” Tony reached out and held his hand. “You miss her, don’t you?”

“So do you…” Loki said, but he turned and hugged him tight. “How different do you think this would be if we’d had a chance to say goodbye?”

“What do you mean? We had the funeral”

“I know. But I mean, what if she’d made it to hospital, and we’d reunited, and we got to see her and speak with her before she died? Do you think it would have made a difference?”

Tony swallowed hard. “Yes. But we’d still have fallen apart”

“Tony? I did something really bad the other day”

Tony held him at arms length. “What?”

“Well. You know how I can… How I can access people’s memories-?”

“Loki! You didn’t!”

“I know, it’s dreadful, isn’t it? But I was so curious. I just looked at the day it happened, just the evening. Tony we never even addressed it. We only thought about the grief. There was more to it than that”

“I know. We  _both_ know that. Oh Loki, how could you? You  _know_ how I feel about you using your magic”

“I’m sorry. My intentions weren’t malicious, though” Loki sighed. “I worry about him. I just thought, if I knew exactly what he’s been through, I might be able to help him better…”

Tony sighed and pulled him close again. “Leave his memories alone. They’re his. He’ll tell us what he wants us to know. And we don’t  _need_ to know everything to help him. We’re here. We support him. And we love him. He’s our little boy…”

“Tony, I know the IVF stuff ended up being glossed over-”

“Loki. We can’t. Not now. You know-”

“Don’t interrupt me. Look, I was thinking a lot today, and I thought… Well, maybe we don’t need another baby”

“What do you mean, another?”

Peter burst into the room before Loki could reply.

“Stop snuggling and come on! I can’t find the firelighters” 

Both men laughed. Loki pulled away from Tony. 

“Come here, baby” he said, lifting the boy up into his arms. “Dad’s going to sort the fire and the hot chocolate. I think I might have something you’ll like”

“Huh? Really?”

“Really” Loki said, carrying him over to the unit and opening his cupboard. “What do you want?”

“I can have stuff from your cupboard?! Really?!”

“Yes. Since you’ve done so well today, you may as well have a treat”

Tony watched them. He saw how comfortable they were together. He saw how effortlessly Loki held him. He watched Peter rummaging in Loki’s cupboard, one hand on the God’s shoulder to give him better reach. He saw the way Loki was looking at him, and he understood what he was trying to say.

-

Tony felt himself falling in love with Loki all over again that evening. They set up camp on the balcony with big, near-overflowing mugs of hot chocolate with squirty cream, a huge bag of marshmallows which they roasted over the fire, and a set of portable speakers playing a selection of music. It wasn’t an especially warm night, but it didn’t matter so much when they were cuddled close, wrapped up in the quilted blanket by the fire pit. 

It nearly felt like they’d gone back in time. Peter seemed much more his old self tonight than he had in months. He was bubbly and happy, laughing and joking and being cheeky and silly. Tony watched him and Loki chatting together. He watched the way they interacted. He saw the look in their eyes. He watched Peter using two biscuits to take the melted marshmallow off his stick. He watched Loki pulling the crisped outer layer of marshmallow off with his front teeth before licking the melted inside. He watched both of them washing the sweets down with hot chocolate and licking stray drops of the drink from their hands. 

“Tony? Are you ok?” Loki asked, noticing the tears in his eyes.

“Hm? Oh” Tony wiped his eyes quickly. “Just a bit of smoke in my eyes”

Loki touched his face gently. “Are you sure you’re ok?”

Tony kissed him. Loki returned the kiss with equal enthusiasm, shifting closer, even though Peter ended up a bit squashed in the process. They soon started kissing a little too hungrily for Peter’s liking.

“Hey, where’s my kiss?” he pouted.

Tony pulled back, and laughed. He grabbed him round the chest and pulled him close, kissing him hard on the cheek so that he squeaked and wiggled. Loki laughed too, and kissed his other cheek. 

“That’s enough!” Peter protested, but he started giggling too.

They stopped kissing him, but Tony kept hold of him and tickled his tummy. Peter shrieked and doubled up in an attempt to shield himself.

“Don’t!”

Tony laughed and kissed his cheek again before releasing him. Peter looked at him as though he were angry, but they all knew he was just pretending. 

“Should we perhaps think about a proper meal?” Loki said.

“The calories in a hot chocolate make it equivalent to a small meal” Peter said, quoting one of his favourite facts. “Can we just have another hot chocolate?”

“Sure thing, kiddo” Tony said, standing up. “I won’t be long”

Loki watched him go, and then turned and wrapped Peter up in the blanket.

“I’ll be back soon”

-

Loki caught Tony up in the kitchen. 

“You’ve been looking at me all blurry-eyed all evening” Loki said, leaning against the door frame.

Tony smiled at him. “You left the music on in here” 

Loki stopped, listening. 

_Every time our eyes meet, this feeling inside me, is almost more than I can take…_

“You know this one” Tony said, taking his hand and pulling him close, putting his other hand on his waist.

Loki put a hand on Tony’s shoulder, keeping a little distant between them for a beat, but then he found himself pressed against his husbands chest as they danced on the checkerboard tiles, looking deep into each others eyes. Tony kissed his cheek gently, and sang softly to him.

“I’ve never been this close to anyone, or anything. I can hear your thoughts, I can see your dreams… I don’t know how you do what you do, I’m so in love with you-”

Loki closed his eyes and rested his chin on Tony’s shoulder, focusing on what he could feel. Part of him could hardly believe he’d walked off and left this man for so long. How he could bear to be parted from him was a mystery. He never felt so safe than when he was in Tony’s arms. He couldn’t believe someone like  _him_ had ended up with the very thing he thought most improbable in all existence. He’d never dared believe in true love until he’d been with Tony.

-

Loki stayed behind Tony, arms round his waist, chin on his shoulder, watching him stirring the pan of hot chocolate.

“If, when I was a kid, someone had told me I’d end up marrying a god, I would have written them off as mad”

“If anyone had ever told me that I’d find a place where I belonged, I would have written  _them_ off as mad”

“We’re alright, you and me, aren’t we?”

“I can honestly say I’ve never been so happy in my life. I’ve said this to you before” Loki said. “I wish there were words to describe how in love with you I am”

“The look in your eyes is enough”

-

They caught Peter spraying squirty cream straight from the can into his mouth when they went back out to the balcony. Loki burst out laughing.

“You look like a rabbit in headlights!” he said, ruffling the boys hair.

“Don’t do that, you mucky thing” Tony said, taking the can from him.

“Aww, it’s the best way to have it thought!” Peter protested, grinning.

Tony and Loki sat down next to him and pulled the blanket back round the three of them. Tony handed Peter a fresh cup of hot chocolate.

“Thanks dad. Your hot chocolate is the best”

“You’re welcome, pet” Tony said, spraying a little cream on top for him.

Peter raised the mug to his lips and closed his eyes as he sipped, feeling the heat on it on his face, as well as the heat of the fire. He breathed in the rich chocolatey smell and smiled to himself. He felt good.

-

They stayed up much later than planned. Loki hoicked Peter up into his arms and took him to bed while Tony put out the fire and tidied up the balcony. Peter did his teeth while Loki found him some nightclothes.

“You’ve got cream all round your mouth”

“No I haven’t!”

“And chocolate on your chin. Here”

Peter whined and squirmed while Loki washed his face, but he didn’t really mind.

“There” Loki said, putting the flannel down. “Get into your pyjamas. I’ll go and fill your jug”

-

Tony bumped into Loki in the kitchen and went back to Peter’s room with him.

“Alright champ, it’s been a long day so-”

“I know, hop, skip, and jump into bed” Peter finished for him, doing just that. “I don’t think I’m tired yet though”

“Well, I’m sure we can settle you down” Loki said, going over to the bookshelf. 

“Still not too old for a bedtime story, I see” Tony said, sitting down beside Peter on the bed. 

Loki soon came back with a little book in hand, and sat down on Peter’s other side. Peter sat up and leant against him, peering at the book.

“The Tale of Peter Rabbit” he said.

“How very fitting” Tony said.

“Isn’t it just?” Loki said, opening the book and clearing his throat. “Once upon a time there were four little rabbits, and their names were Flopsy, Mopsy, Cottontail, and Peter”

-

Tony kissed Peter goodnight and stood back watching and feeling quite emotional as Loki tucked him in. 

“Stop being silly” Loki said, tucking Peter’s Peter Rabbit toy under his arm. “Sleep time”

“Love you, dad”

“I love you too” Loki said, and he kissed him on the forehead. “But I’ll love you even more if you stop giggling and go to sleep”

Peter still giggled a little, but then settled down, and fell asleep with Loki stroking his hair gently.

- 

Just as Tony was dropping off, Loki spoke.

“I think we need to talk”

Tony jumped slightly and stirred, turning onto his side to face Loki. 

“I really do love him, you know”

“I do too” Tony said. “He’s like a son to us”

“Like…”

“He’s family. I know that means a lot to you”

Loki looked into Tony’s eyes. “He means everything to me”

Tony looked into Loki’s eyes. “Are we thinking the same thing here?”

Loki swallowed. “I think we might be”

“I think we might be too”

-

The bunnies bounded up to Peter first thing on Monday morning, as they always did. Millie and Flo always came earlier on Monday’s so they could join Macy and Peter for breakfast. They sat at their little round table by the coffee machine, drinking little cups of mocha coffee’s and sharing rounds of toast.

“So what have you done with your trophy?” Macy asked, licking jam off her palm.

_I’ve just put it on the cabinet in my room_

“You might want to think of getting a trophy cabinet” 

“Macy’s right, Peter” Flo nodded. “If you keep up with your swimming, you’ll soon have lots more”

_I don’t know about that_

Millie smiled at him. “You’re too modest. You’re allowed to be proud of yourself!  _We’re_ proud of you. Your dad’s are too!”

Peter had to nod. She was right about that. 

“Not to mention your uncle” Macy said. “I still find it funny to think that your family are basically  _all_ superheroes! Thor and Iron Man, and then of course Loki is a god too. Don’t you ever feel like the add one out?”

Peter just smiled. 

-

A lot of people congratulated Peter that day. Alison found him and gave him a big hug and a big bar of chocolate.

“I know you’re little mister mega-sporty now, but chocolate’s good as a treat once in a while” she said, kissing his cheek. “I’m so proud of you, Little Brother!”

The attention Peter got that day made him feel funny, the same way he’d felt when Midtown were raving about Spiderman after what had happened in DC. But of course, this was totally different: he wasn’t having to hide anything, and everyone knew who to come to. Still, he had the same funny feeling in his tummy, and he didn’t dislike it.

-

Loki was acting funny again on Friday. Peter looked up from his mug of tea.

“Um, dad? You’re kinda staring at me”

“Mm…”

Peter looked at Tony. “Dad, make him stop”

Tony just laughed and kissed Loki on the cheek. “Don’t you have a meeting to be getting to?”

Loki tore his eyes away from Peter and nodded. He downed the rest of his tea, grabbed his keys, and left.

“Is he ok?” Peter asked.

“I think so” Tony said. “He’s just thinking. He’s been thinking a lot this week. We both have. We’ve been talking”

“About what?”

“Hm? Oh, just stuff. Grown up stuff. Here, are you finished? You need to get your shoes on” Tony said quickly. “We don’t want you to be late for school”

-

It was a cold evening, so Tony put the heating on and made Peter a large mug of tea to keep him warm. 

“There” he looked over Peter’s shoulder. “That’s some stack of homework strips”

“Yeah” Peter sighed heavily. “It’s gonna be a busy night”

“Well, better to get it done sooner rather than later” Tony said, ruffling his hair.

“I guess so”

They heard the door go. 

“That’ll be the husband. Here, I’ll leave you to it”

-

Tony took Loki into the room with the reading nook, and they stayed there for a long time, talking at length and in-depth. It was the same conversation they’d been having all week. Part of them wanted to wait, but in the end they decided they were already certain, so why delay? Still, there were so many worries, so many concerns. It was hard to know if they were doing the right thing or not.

-

The landing lights were off, but the warm orange glow from the kitchen illuminated the hallway. They hesitated a moment. Maybe waiting was the way to go after all.

-

Peter sighed with relief as he ticked off another homework strip. He was getting there. Slowly, but surely. Just one left. 

-

Tony leant against the kitchen counter while Loki put the kettle on. It wasn’t long before Peter leant back against the wall and sighed in an exaggerated fashion, throwing his pen down.

“Finished! That took  _forever_!” 

“Well, at least it’s out of the way now…” Tony said.

“Mm” Peter mumbled, rubbing his aching wrist. “All done. So now I can relax and have a good weekend, yeah?”

Tony smiled. “Yeah”

Peter looked at him, frowning slightly. “Are you ok?” he looked at Loki. “And you, dad?”

Loki turned round slowly, and exchanged a look with Tony. Peter frowned properly. They were keeping something from him, he just knew it.

“What?”

Tony took a very deep breath. “Peter, we- we’ve got something to tell you…”

“Tony”

“No, it’s ok” Tony held a hand out to him.

Loki switched the kettle off. His heart was thumping hard. He took a deep breath, held it, and blew out slowly. He went over and stood close to Tony, holding his hand. Peter eyed them sceptically. They both looked nervous. They came closer, standing merely a foot from him, clutching hands and looking at each other and the floor more than Peter.

“What is it?” Peter asked, feeling very unsettled.

“Well, you see. Well, we’ve been talking a lot lately” Tony said, looking at Loki. “About a lot of things. And, well, you see, we’ve been thinking very hard…”

“But it’s just an idea” Loki said. “You can say no. I mean, this is your life, and we won’t push anything you don’t want. But, well, we’ve been thinking, and, well…”

Peter started to feel a bit sick and shaky. He wasn’t sure what was going on. What were they talking about? What was making them so scared? Why were they talking so nervously? Peter was scared now too. Whatever it was, it couldn’t be all good. If it was, they wouldn’t be rambling so much.

“What is it? Please just tell me. You’re making me nervous” Peter said, his voice cracking slightly.

Tony and Loki both exhaled and closed their eyes, and then looked at each other. They squeezed each others hands, and looked at Peter.

“Well, Peter” Loki said. “The thing is…”

“We want to adopt you”

*


	32. A Little Boy And Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peter has an answer

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shorter chapter this time. Sorry it's taken so long! The end is fast approaching, so anyone want to hedge a bet on the connection between the chapter titles?

-

Peter stared at them. “… What?" 

"It’s completely up to you though! We won’t force you” Tony said quickly. “But we’d like to do it. But we won’t, yknow, if you don’t want to. But we will if you do. You don’t even have to take our last name - unless you want to. Or you could hyphenate it. But we thought you might want to stay as Parker, you know, because that’s who you are, who you’ve always been. But it’s your decision, so if-" 

"Tony” Loki interrupted him gently. “You’ll make him nervous, babbling like that. You’re making  _me_  nervous” he looked at Peter. “It really is your decision. Don’t be afraid to say no. We won’t be cross" 

He sounded so calm and collected, but Peter could see that he was shaking. Tony was too. 

"You don’t have to answer now” Tony said. “You can take some time to think about it first. I know in the grand scheme of things it doesn’t really  _change_  anything, but it’s not inconsequential, and we know it’s a massive step" 

"Tony, darling, you’re wording this all wrong” Loki said. “Peter, sweetheart, this isn’t supposed to be anything scary and business-like or anything like that. It’s just something we’d like to do, and wondered if you would, too. Peter, we want to adopt you because we love you. But like Tony said, it’s your decision. It’s just an idea. If you decide yes, we’ll move on to the next step. If you decide no, we’ll just carry on like normal. We won’t pressure you either way" 

Peter couldn’t speak. His throat and chest were all tight, and he had no idea what he was feeling. Was this even real? Or was it some strange kind of dream? 

Tony and Loki held onto each others hands as tight as they could. Peter opened his mouth. 

"We were talking about you once. And I know it was just a joke, but she said, she said you’d adopt me given half the chance, and I just kinda laughed” Peter said, not quite looking at them. “Was she… Was there some truth in that?" 

Tony and Loki looked at each other. 

"Darling. You’ve been our boy for years now. But now, given the circumstances, and given everything that’s happened and all these conversations we’ve been having, and even because you call us both dad now, and because dad is becoming more common than Mr Loki and Mr Stark, well-” Tony stopped and took a deep breath. “We’ve talked about it, and we thought maybe you’d be ok with the idea too. You’re our kid, there’s no denying that, but we were just thinking about maybe making it official. Making us more than just your guardians in the legal sense. But it’s as Loki said, we love you. We  _want_  you to be our little boy properly, we  _want_  to adopt you. But at the end of the day it’s down to you, kiddo. And we’ll support you no matter what you choose" 

Peter buried his face in his hands. Tony and Loki looked at each other, feeling a little bit horrified. 

"H-hey, hey, oh sweetheart, I’m sorry! We didn’t mean to upset you!” Tony said, reaching out but not quite touching him. He looked at Loki, biting his lip. “Maybe we shouldn’t have sprung it on his like this…" 

Loki swallowed hard. "Peter, sweetheart, talk to us" 

Peter made himself look up, keeping his hands over his mouth, and he started crying harder. He looked at Tony and Loki, at how hesitant they seemed and how scared they looked. They had tears in their eyes too. Peter felt so bad seeing them, but he knew what he wanted, and he just needed to find the words.  

Speaking had never felt so hard. He forced himself to calm down, and managed just one word: 

"Daddy…" 

Both men stared at him, glanced at each other, and looked back. 

"Is-” Tony started. “Is that a yes?”

Peter, still crying into his hands, nodded. 

“He said yes” Tony looked at Loki. “He said yes!" 

He threw himself at Loki, squeezing him tight. Loki squeezed him too, shaking more than ever, and then pulled back, looking at Peter. 

"Darling" 

Peter threw his arms round Loki’s neck and clung to him, howling into his shoulder. Loki held him as though he would never let go, and Tony hugged both of them just as tight. So there they were, laughing and crying, shaking and sniffling. Loki and Tony kissed Peter’s cheeks and squeezed him tight and told him just how much they loved him, and they meant every word. 

-

Loki lay on his back in the reading nook, with Peter on his chest, and Tony close against his side. The radio was off, and they had no music playing. They were enjoying the silence. Peter focused on the sound of Loki’s heart and the weight of his arms round him. He held Tony’s hand and closed his eyes. They stayed like that for a long time.

“Is he asleep?” Tony asked quietly.

“I think so” Loki said.

“…This is really happening” Tony said. “He said yes. Oh Loki, he said  _yes_. He’s ok with it. He really is”

“I don’t know the words to describe how I’m feeling right now”

“Even after all those books you read?”

“You’re not funny” Loki shook his head. “I was never made to be happy. But I am. I’ve got you. I’ve got him… I really am happy, you know. I never thought it was possible”

“You deserve to be happy. I’m glad you are. I’m happy too. Despite everything we’ve been through… Well, we’ve come out the other side smiling. That goes for all three of us” he stroked Peter’s hair gently. “In the beginning, when I first tracked him down and went to the flat, I never once thought he’d end up meaning so much so me”

“You fell for him far faster than you admit”

“Yeah, he means the world to me, he really does. I never thought I’d have a kid… I don’t think you ever expected this either. I mean, you weren’t best pleased when I told you he’d be staying with us that summer”

“I was furious” Loki admitted. “I didn’t like him at first. I wondered why you did. But he grew on me, after those rocky first few weeks”

“You were friends quite quickly. But yeah, you were a bit hot and cold with each other at times. Still, I was so relieved when I saw you two playing games and sleeping on the rug in front of the fire and stuff like that. You got close that summer”

“Yes. I missed him when he went home. But of course, then I became friends with May, and the both of them were a big part of my life”

“I did worry that suggesting this would make him feel like it was disloyal to May. I know he’s getting better, but I did think, what if he thinks we were just waiting to get her out of the way so we could have him?”

“He wouldn’t think that” Loki said. “I can see why you’d think it, though. Look, we’ve basically been his parents ever since that first summer - and you for probably even longer than that. We basically co-parented with May. We were a big family, I suppose… I know he kicked off when he found out we were all sleeping together, but I think he’s accepted that now. Maybe we should talk about it more”

“Maybe. But I think that’s up to him” Tony paused, and laughed slightly. “She definitely knew what she was doing with you”

“She was a lot of fun. In and out of the bedroom… I really did love her, you know. I still do”

“I know. Me too”

Loki sighed, holding Peter a little tighter. “We can’t keep living in the past. We can still love her and remember her, and move forward. We’ve got other things to be getting on with now”

Tony looked at Peter. “I love this kid. I wouldn’t be without him for the world. I don’t know what I’d do without him”

“I’m sure you’d manage” Peter said, making both men jump.

“You were awake?! Peter!” 

Loki sat up, so Peter had to as well. He looked at them guiltily.

“Sorry”

“Don’t be” Tony shook his head. “But you need to tell us what you think now, after what we just said”

Peter paused for a moment. “I have thought of you as family for a long time now. I’ve thought of you as a father figure for ages. But you for longer, ‘cos of that crush I had… I still think it was a crush, but it’s still funny to think about it now, because you’re just dad”

Loki nodded. 

“I read a lot of May’s diary. And I’ve thought about it a lot. And I guess I do kinda understand that thing you three had going on. But I don’t really mind any more. ‘Cos you made each other happy, didn’t you? I liked spending time with all three of you”

Tony nodded and squeezed his hand.

“I’ve accepted all of it now. May’s gone… And it’s horrible and it’s not fair and I miss her and I still cry about it, but I know I can’t change it. But I also know that she always wanted you two to look after me when she couldn’t, and I think it’d be the same now… I don’t know if I believe in heaven, but if she was watching us now, I think she’d support this… But it’s kinda selfish too. I want you to adopt me. I want us to be a proper family. I really do want this. I’d thought about it before as well”

Tony and Loki looked at him. Slowly, Loki reached out and wiped the tears from Peter’s face. 

“If this is the life you’d been born into, would you be happy?”

Peter and Tony stared at him. Tony looked at Peter, and Peter nodded.

“I’m doing ok at school. I’ve got good friends. I love Malaki and the bunnies. I get on with the teachers. I’m on the swim team… I love going out and being Spiderman. I like helping people… I like having Uncle Thor and I like Pepper and I love you two. I  _am_ happy, mostly. I know the whole accident and stuff kinda knocked me for six - I think it did that to all of us. But I’m not so miserable anymore. I’m not 100% there yet, but I’m getting there. I’m gonna be ok”

“When did you get so brave?” Tony hugged him tight. “I love you so much. I’m not perfect. Neither of us are. Neither of us had the greatest paternal examples growing up. But we’ll do our best. I’m not saying it’s gonna be easy. But I promise we’ll always do what we think is best. We want to give you the life you deserve”

Peter looked up at him, and Tony stroked his hair firmly with his palm. 

“You’re my favourite” Peter said, looking into his eyes. “But only by a tiny bit” He wriggled free and hugged Loki hard. “That’s not meant to upset you. I still love you loads and loads and loads and loads. You don’t mind, do you?”

Loki laughed slightly and hugged him back. “No, I don’t mind. Want to know why?”

“Why?”

“Because I love Tony the best too”

-

Peter lay on his back in Loki’s bed, cuddled close between Loki and Tony. It was late, and they were both asleep. The night light was shining its little warm blue glow on the bedside table, bathing the room in an ethereal glow. Peter looked round the room, at the framed Snoopy pictures on the wall, the wonderful snowglobe collection which he was forbidden to touch, the old Snoopy toy on the chair by the wardrobe, the Betty Boop lamp on the dresser which he’d guilted Tony into buying, and the framed photo of the four of them - Peter, Tony, Loki, and May - looking like the happy family they undeniably were.

Peter looked at Loki. The God of Mischief. A person - a being - who had definitely done some bad and scary stuff in the past, even if this knowledge was confined within SHIELD and The Avengers. A person who had scared Peter a lot to begin with. He was someone who came into Peter’s life reluctantly. Someone who used to spend a lot of time screaming and shouting and swearing and smoking and drinking heavily. Someone who was caught in a battle against his brother, with a strange mixed up past and personality. But someone who had adjusted and changed and recovered. Someone who had become a dear friend, who had gotten married, patched up a broken relationship with his brother, and embraced the life of trophy husband in a world he was still adjusting to. He was not human, everyone knew that. But something about him was - the way he volunteered at the hospital, had a sabbatical, stopped people from running into the road, sat with the newspaper every Sunday morning, and enjoyed the simple things in life. He still played tricks, usually relatively harmless, and almost always ridiculous, but he was mellow. To an extent. A large portion of Peter’s own Sailor Mouth Vocabulary had come from Loki - not to mention his talent for tantrums and odd tricks and a lot of his knowledge on managing Tony. Loki was a valuable resource, and most definitely a mystery. But he was also most definitely a dad now. He took him out, helped with his homework, was nice to his friends, played silly games with him, loved him…

Peter looked at Tony. Genius, Billionaire, Playboy, Philanthropist. Well, Playboy didn’t apply any more. He was someone who had spent so much time in the limelight that people thought they knew everything there was to know about him - but they didn’t. He was someone who had crashed into Peter’s life quite by surprise, and quite intentionally. He was someone who lost his professional agenda fairly quickly. He had become much more than a mentor. He was a friend, a father figure. That was undeniable, and Peter loved it. But then there was that year, where May had to go away working and travelling, and Peter couldn’t go. But Tony stepped in and offered to take him. He took him into his home for a whole summer - an arguably life-changing one. He introduced him to his husband, and prioritised him to an extent. He opened up his private life, not quite so intentionally, and he trusted Peter with everything that happened. He became so much more that year. That atmosphere never quite vanished, even after the summer. It was as though a new chapter had been opened. He’d been there for so much, and it was like there was no backing out - and Peter didn’t mind one bit. Tony was definitely dad. He taught him, mentored him, instructed him. But he also played silly games and cooked for him and was his shoulder to cry on. He loved him. 

They were so different, yet so similar. They worked well together. Peter thought about that. He thought about them - and what they’d done. When the accident was broadcast on the telly, their first thought was to abandon their evening and rush to the scene of the explosion to find him. They made sure he was never alone after they found him. They cried to find he was ok. They thanked whatever higher power there may be that he was ok. When they found out May was dead, they knew straight away that they were going to take him in. And they did. They worked through it all. They held him and tried their best to look after him, even though he made it so difficult for them. Sure, everything took its toll on Loki, and he left for all their sakes. But he promised he’d come back, and he did. They struggled through their own great grief to put Peter first and try their absolute hardest to carry on and do what was best for him. Yes, Loki had left. He wasn’t going to let himself break in that situation. He’d done regrettable things already, and some part of him knew distance was the only way forward. Tony had picked up the pieces. Then Loki came back, and they carried on. They took Peter in. They looked after him. They grieved with him. They made mistakes, they did things wrong - but they did so much right, too. Their intentions were good. They took in someone who was so different to the person they knew. Someone so beaten down by the accident that all logic was skewed. But they loved that person. They tried their best. They did their best. They held him together and, despite all reservations, all challenges and horrible things and trauma and emotion, they made things better. Things weren’t perfect - but then again, they never were. Things hadn’t gone back to normal - and they never could. But things were better. They’d all been through the mill, but in the end, they’d made it out alive. Bruised, still having a bit of a struggle, but alive. Happy - almost. And together. Most definitely, together.

These men, strange and mixed up and different, were family. Undeniably, they were his family. Blood wasn’t part of the equation. Blood never really made family: love did.

*


	33. Just Freeze (So We Don't Have To Start Again)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 'With a flicker of a promise and in view of our situation'

-

A number of casual meetings with Peter’s social worker was arranged. Tony and Loki saw her first, during the day, and then some home visits were arranged. They all knew there was a process to go through - as much as they wished they could just sign on the dotted line and be done with it.  

Although in a funny mood on the day of the visit, Peter grinned and gave Li Allen a hug when she arrived. They spent a while all talking together, and later, Li turned to Peter.

“It’s good to see you smiling. Shall we go and talk privately?”

-

They settled down in Peter’s room. Li admired Peter’s elephant and the swimming trophy on his cabinet and the framed picture on his bedside table. She sat down beside him on the bed.

“So. Adoption” she said. “Well, I’ve heard the Stark’s talk, and I’ve heard you talk with them. Let’s talk about it here, just you and me. Let’s talk about home”

Peter shrugged awkwardly. “Well, this is home, isn’t it? I like it here. I’m getting better. It’s all good”

“I know you’re doing well at school. I know you’re only seeing your therapist once a week now. You look better, too. You’re more colourful”

“I’ve put on weight recently… I’ve felt better too, mostly. Dad’s been really good. He knows what it’s like. They’ve both been really good. There’s something different about it though…”

“Different how?”

Peter shrugged. “I don’t know. Just different. Kinda like the way they were with each other when they got back from their honeymoon. But obviously not romantically, cos it’s me. Does that make sense?”

“Of course. You know, it’ll probably become more prominent  _after_  adoption, but having a honeymoon period is common. It’s expected with adoption and fostering, especially with older kids. It’s just a little bit like a love overflow. I know it’s all very exciting and emotional right now”

“… I got sent out of class the other day. Cos I told the girls and I got all funny and giggly and couldn’t concentrate”

“What did your teacher say?”

“Well… She came outside to talk to me. She didn’t seem _too_  cross. So I told her about the adoption, and then she wasn’t cross at all. She hugged me and told me it was great news. And then she said I needed to simmer down”

“You were certainly bubbling over when I arrived today”

“Well, I’m excited” Peter shrugged. “I’m gonna have a proper family”  

“I know. I’m happy for you. But you know it’s a process. It’ll take time”

Peter nodded.

“I’ve talked with Loki and Tony on their own too. I know what they want. I know what this means to them. So why don’t you tell me what it means to you?”

Peter frowned slightly.

“You can be honest with me. I’m not trying to put a dampener on things, but you’re allowed to tell me things you  _don’t_  like too" 

"But that stuff doesn’t matter. I’m happy now”

“I know, and I’m glad of that. But you could be the happiest person on earth and things still might not be perfect. It’s healthy to admit that”

Peter wasn’t sure what she was getting at. But he supposed she had to explore all angles. Maybe it was just procedure.

“Ok, but things don’t  _have_  to be perfect. They never were” Peter said defensively. “They want to adopt me. _I_ want them to adopt me. Why do we have to have an ultimatum? Can’t we just sign the papers?”

“You can’t rush these things” Li said gently. “I just want to talk”

“What, so you can find out all sorts of secrets and stop it happening?”

“That’s not what I mean, Peter” she sighed. “You’re not feeling it today, are you? Shall we talk another time?”

Peter nodded. Everything was good now, and he didn’t appreciate his social worker coming in and trying to ruin that.

-

Tony sat down with Peter.

“What’s with that face?”

Peter shrugged.

“Come on now, what did we say? No secrets”

“You’re an idiot”

“Don’t talk to your father like that” Loki said, leaning against the door frame. “Li said you weren’t very responsive this evening”

“Well, she kept going on saying I could tell her stuff I don’t like” Peter grumbled. “It was like she  _wanted_ things to be bad”

“She was just exploring all angles, kiddo” Tony sighed. “She asked us the same kinda stuff”

Peter looked between them. “What did you say?”

“None of your business” Loki said firmly. 

“Look, kid, don’t get so defensive about it. She’ll be back before too long. See if you can talk it out with her. It’s good to talk impartially sometimes”

“You sound like Miss Marns”

“Maybe you should listen to her, then”

-

Li Allen had another visit a few days later. Peter was sleepy, and in a much more mellow mood. They all talked together for a while, and then Li and Peter went off to the reading nook together.

“Sorry I wasn’t very nice to you the other day” Peter said ashamedly.

Li squeezed his hand. “It’s ok. I was quite abrupt with you. I have policies and procedures to follow, and I do get a little tied up in it sometimes. I’m sorry too”

“It’s ok” Peter nodded. “I did think about what you said. And I get it. And you’re right, it’s not all perfect. We’re all kinda ill and dad’s busy a lot so we’re not together as much as I want, and other dad is a  _bit_  busy, and it’s nasty when he gets his flare ups and stuff. It can be kinda scary”

“I can imagine. It must be difficult”

“I mean, I know it’s worse for him, but I still don’t like it. But he’s better than he was… I don’t like it when they argue either. They don’t argue  _much_ , but I think that makes it worse…”

“I understand. It’s not very nice when people argue”

“They try to do it away from me. Like, they wait until I’m in bed or they close the door or send me to my room or something. They generally don’t argue; they just bicker. They get on too well to argue loads" 

"Well, it’s good to hear that they don’t argue much. They’ve always seemed very much in love to me" 

"They are. May always said- um… Well, she always knew”  

“It’s ok sweetheart" 

Peter leant against her and sighed sadly. "I still get upset about May a lot… It’s easier though, because of how close my dads were to her…" 

"I get it, sweetheart, I really do. I know you’ve had a really tough time this year”

Peter nodded. “She always left me here when she couldn’t look after me. So I think she’d be ok with this. That’s the least I could do for her, isn’t it? Making sure I’m looked after properly? By people she trusts. Trusted..” Peter sighed again and sat back. “I am happy with the Stark’s, you know. They’re definitely my family. It’s weird thinking about May though. Sometimes it’s hard to believe she’s not here anymore. And sometimes when I think about her, it feels like I never really knew her. Like she was part of a different life. You know?" 

"Yes. I understand that. Grief - losing people - it’s a strange thing. I know it can make you feel a bit mixed up” Li said. “Your aunt would want you to be looked after. I didn’t know her, but I’m sure she’d be happy to see you’re being looked after by her friends, and that you’re happy. You’re doing so well. I’m proud of you" 

"Thanks… We were all basically a family before the accident anyway. So it kinda feels natural, when I think about it. Being a  _proper_  family, legally, like.." 

Li looked at him. "If it’s what you want, we can work on it" 

"I know it’s not all perfect, like you said. Like the arguments. And I don’t like that dad makes me do my homework as soon as I get home from school and won’t let me leave the table until I’m finished. That’s a bit rubbish. And I don’t like getting smacked" 

"Well, I can see why you’d be annoyed about the homework, but I think that’s a good thing: I bet you haven’t missed a deadline since starting at St Hendricks”

“Well, there was one bit.. but I caught up" 

"There you go, then. I’m sure you can cope with having to do your homework” Li smiled. “Now, about the other thing" 

Peter shifted slightly. "Mm… I don’t know what else to say. I don’t like getting smacked. That’s fair enough, isn’t it?" 

"Yes, of course” Li said, but she sounded hesitant. 

“They don’t hit me all the time, just sometimes. They don’t even hit me hard, not really, but it’s still not nice” Peter said defensively. 

“Why are you getting defensive, Peter?" 

"Because I know what social workers are like! You’re gonna think, oh, they hit him, and then you’re gonna start saying I’m being abused, and-" 

"Have they ever left bruises?” Li interrupted. 

“What? No!" 

"Well then” Li said. 

Peter stared at her. “They’d never hurt me. It’s just… discipline. Ok, so I have had bruises sometimes, but only because we wrestle a lot, play-fighting, you know. But they got bruises too. And it’s not intentional. So it’s fair. That’s ok, isn’t it?" 

"A bit of rough and tumble can be healthy. No one is going to start throwing accusations about because of a skinned elbow” Li said. “You’re a kid, and so of course you have to follow certain rules and of course you get disciplined, and of course there’s things you aren’t allowed to do. But that’s just life. Peter, I’m looking at you now, and thinking about how you were when I was first getting to know you. Now, you’re happy, you’re healthy. You’ve definitely got yourself back up to a healthy weight. You’re doing really well. You fit well here. I’ve seen you with the Stark’s. Peter, you belong here. That’s what I think. Do you agree?”

“Yeah” Peter nodded. “Since I don’t have May any more" 

"I want what’s best for you. For all of you" 

"So you support the adoption?" 

"Absolutely" 

- 

Peter climbed onto Loki’s lap. 

"Hello sweetheart” Loki put his book down and hugged him. “How are you doing?" 

"I’m ok” Peter said, nuzzling into Loki’s chest. “Where’s dad?" 

"Just here” Tony’s voice sounded from the doorway. He went over and sat beside them, putting his arms round them. “Ok?" 

"Mm" 

"Nervous?" 

Peter nodded. "And excited" 

"Me too” Loki said, stroking his hair gently. “Have you decided about names yet?" 

"Not really. I was thinking about hyphenating it. I don’t know if Stark-Parker sounds right" 

"Stark naked" 

"Shut up, Loki” Tony said. “That’s never been funny" 

Loki shook his head. "Parker-Stark?" 

"Maybe… I don’t know" 

"You don’t have to take our name, kiddo” Tony said. 

“I know. But I want to. Kinda. But I want to keep my  _old_  name too" 

"You’ve still got a few days to decide. Even then, we can always go back and change your name later on if you don’t come to a decision beforehand. It’s not urgent”

“Does this ever feel weird to you?”

“In what way?”

“Well… We’re not like we were when we first met. We’re all so different” Peter said. “I mean, I like it, all this. But I don’t really recognise myself so much any more. Not my  _old_ self”

“People change” Loki said. “I don’t recognise my old self either”

“Do you mind?”

Loki shook his head. “No. I’m much happier and safer than my old self. You’re allowed to reinvent yourself”

“Do you mind that I’ve changed?”

“No. We changed as well. We’ve all changed alongside each other”

“It’s just life” Tony said. “I’m not who I used to be either”

Peter paused for a moment. “This year has been really rubbish, hasn’t it?”

Tony laughed slightly. “Yeah, I suppose it has, in a lot of ways. That’s not to say it’s been  _all_ bad, though. I mean, you’ve got the bunnies, for one. And then you’re doing really well at school and stuff…”

“I’m still adjusting to all this. I’d gotten so used to the way things were before, y’know? I do feel out of place sometimes. School is a weird one”

“You’re doing so well there, though” Tony said. “What’s making you feel out of place?”

Peter shrugged. “It’s still a different world. Their lives have always been so different. I mean, they even move and  _speak_ different”

“What does that matter? You don’t speak anyway” Loki said. 

Tony shot him a look. “Whatever. Anyway, even though you don’t speak at school, you still wobble with some more… upper-class pronunciations sometimes. But that’s probably Loki’s fault too”

Loki rolled his eyes. “It’s just a voice. What’s so important?”

“You have got a good voice though” Peter said. “Flo likes it”

“That little girl has got a serious crush on you” Tony said. 

“Well, can you blame her?” Loki said, pushing his hair back behind his ear. “Even this one fell for me in long-ago times”

Peter shook his head. “That feels like a whole life-time ago. It’s weird to think that I didn’t always see you as a dad”

“It’s weird to think I didn’t always see you as a son”

“Hey, can I ask you something? How did you get to be so good with kids?”

“… What do you mean?”

“Well, y’know. You’re good at the hospital and you’re good with my friends, and you did all that stuff on your sabbatical, like the children’s home and stuff”

“Ah. Well”

“He’s always been good with kids, as long as we’ve been together, anyway” Tony said. “I think it just comes naturally to him. Some people are like that”

Loki nodded. “Lets go with that”

“Can I ask you another question?”

“I’m sure you’ll ask whether I say yes or not”

“Are you… Later, after all the legal stuff and the honeymoon period and all that stuff… Are you gonna have a baby?”

Tony and Loki looked at each other. They smiled slightly and looked back at Peter, giving him a squeeze.

“I doubt it. We’ve already got you. We don’t need anyone else”

“But don’t you want-”

“We just want you”

*

 

Epilogue 

 

Peter sat on the floor in the study. Somehow, the dim room with its harsh dark wood furniture didn’t intimidate him any more. He looked up at the frames on the wall above the big leather sofa. The gold frame held Tony and Loki’s marriage certificate, pride of place. It had been unaccompanied for so long, but now had been joined with another frame. This one was silver, and it too held a certificate - Peter’s adoption certificate. 

It still hadn’t quite sunk in that they were now officially family. It hadn’t sunk in when they arrived at the office. It hadn’t sunk in when everything had been signed. It hadn’t sunk in when they’d first read the certificate. Of course, Peter knew it was all official now, but it all felt so weird and unreal - too good to be true. 

But it was there, in black and white (well, more pale-pink and red). Peter, Parent 1, and Parent 2 - Tony and Loki, respectively. They’d hardly stopped crying since they’d seen the certificate. 

The door to the study opened. 

“Hey sweetheart” Loki said, going over to him. “So this is where you disappeared to”

“Yeah. I’ve just been thinking” 

“Have you finished packing yet?”

Peter shook his head. 

“Better get a move on. We’re going in the morning, remember”

Peter nodded. “I’ll get it done soon”

“You’ll get it done now” Loki held a hand out to him.

Peter let himself be helped to his feet.

“So, what’s Scotland like?” he asked as Loki lead him out of the study.

“Oh, you’ll see. We’ve got a handful of other places to go before Scotland though. Say now, have you ever been to France?”

Peter shook his head. “Y’know, Li was right about the honeymoon period”

Loki laughed and kissed his nose. “Get packed. It’ll be another early start”

“It’s starting to give me deja vu” Peter giggled. 

Loki nodded towards the suitcase on Peter’s bedroom floor, and Peter obediently knelt down and started sorting his stuff out properly. Loki stood by, leaning against the cabinet, touching Peter’s elephant gently. He looked at the boy - his boy. He looked at his son, and his son looked at him. 

“Don’t forget your toothbrush”

*

*

*

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone who has got this far! Sorry the last chapter took so long (my laptop was out for repairs!)
> 
> Song - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lYM4kIO-LSE
> 
> Because no-one guessed, I can now say that the connection in the chapter titles is that they are all words/lyrics used in songs by Take That! 
> 
> I'm open for a Q&A if anyone has anything to ask. Again, huge thank you to all my regular commenters and readers!


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